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Exclusive Transcript: Liz Warren Addresses Native American Controversy
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D–MA) spoke at a meeting of the National Conference of American Indians on Wednesday. She attempted to settle the controversy about her claimed Native American ancestry and if it was used to secure a position as an Ivy League professor. A rush transcript of the event follows.
How! I wait many moons to speak at your great powwow here beside flowing waters of mighty Potomac. It good to join-um circle of my people. My happy tribe.
You hear me called Pocahontas and Fauxcohontas. Great Orange Father mock me, raise tomahawk against me. He share memes and say I not member of first peoples. He speak with forked tongue.
Look on my cheekbones for they are high. See my recipe in Pow Wow Chow. I share secret for true Cherokee meal of Cold Omelet with Crab Meat and Tomato Mayonnaise, just as chiefs of old days ate before buffalo hunt on wide prairie. I say “buffalo?” I mean “tatonka.” I live too long among paleface.
But I no paleface. Many moons I speak of my native birth.
[Audience chatter]
My office of press say “you won’t find my family members on any rolls.” It say “I’m not enrolled in a tribe.” But me heap big Cherokee.
My mother born in Indian Country of Okla-ho-ma. She squaw for real. Many paleface go on warpath, say this a lie. I swear by Great Spirit it not. And I not use my one of thirty-two Cherokee blood to make much wampum at Harvard in land of Massachusett.
[Boos]
OK. I not look much Cherokee. My pantsuit not buckskin. My mocassins are Louboutin. My skin white like baby swan in blizzard. My Mercedes…
Audience member #1: Excuse me, Sen. Warren. Everyone here is a professional. Why are you talking like an extra from “F Troop?”
Audience member #2: I have a doctorate from Princeton!
Audience member #1: My degree’s from Oxford. We all speak perfect English, I assure you.
Ugh. This bad medicine. Come to great marble wigwam. We smoke-um peace pipe.
Audience member #2: We want policies. What are your positions?
Uh. Well. I … close many banks. I tax firewater. I ban thunderstick from hunting ground…
[Audience files out]
No choice of school on reservation. Every papoose planned and wanted!
Where you go? I prepare meal of squash and maize. I bring pemmican.
[Sen. Warren’s press secretary walks her off-stage]
Well, that seemed to go pretty well. What’s next on the schedule — National Council of La Raza, right? Did you bring my sombrero and serape?
Published in General
I think Fauxcohontas secretly works for The Onion, and she is trying to drum up business.
I think the story of Senator Warren and her claim to Cherokee heritage might be taken out of context.
It’s far more likely that she claimed she was part Che – rokee. Which would be accurate.
H/T to Larry Schweikart for inspiring this pun.
RACESEXISTTT!!!
Well played sir.
Competing with surreal world events like this takes guts.
Careful what you say, Jon. Liz is on the warpath . . .
She comes from a race of gentle noble savages. Before Europeans they had no war, disease, or need to own property. Living in a natural Eden we despoiled with our capitalist industry. They were all connected to a great tree and lived as giant blue cat … wait that’s a movie…
Yeah, it’s surprising how close this version is to what she actually said. I can’t believe that she is continuing to push this “I am Cherokee” story with a straight [but high cheekboned] face.
Her tribal name is Walking Hawk. That is because she is so full of [CoC violation] she is too heavy to fly.
There is a huge difference in the advantages and the pushback that Rachel Dolezal got with her claim that “I identify as black” and the alleged advantages taken by Warren (mild unending jokes). Dolezal only advanced to be head of a local NAACP chapter, then lost her footing; but it is claimed that Warren got student aid and a fat salaried faculty position and continues to campaign. So, if the anger at Dolezal is greater… why is that? In both cases there was a pushing aside of people more “entitled,” right? Is it because we think Native people need less assistance to succeed in “white” contexts, while African Americans are more, er, excluded or special? At any rate, if Rachel was hit by a storm, why isn’t Warren?
Partly it is because American Indians are used to being ripped off, partly because the left needs Warren. They believe she will be president. I fear they are right.
I’m not so sure she’d win. The easiest strategy against Warren would be to make a favorable comparison of her to Hillary, not only by her positions, but how she comes across as a cold, screeching harpy.
I hope they paid her in wampum for that speech.