Recommended by Ricochet Members Created with Sketch. Millenial Onanistic Crayfish

 

It appears that carnage of the culture war has creeped into the crooked world of crustacean concupiscence, as millenial mutant malacostracae marmorkrebs march from Madagascar to Malmö. It is a tale of tails, of invasions of illegal arthropods, and cloning crayfish outcompeting their more cautious cousins. You see, these pestilential parthenogenic pleocyematae progeny did first appear in a pet shop in Germany, these 25 years past, and their great profligacy permitted their apportioning to appreciably distant domains, where, bored of their endless and otherwise uninteresting aquatic devourings, their owners discarded their unwanted decapods in ways unwonted in innocent waters, and now the fecund flitters are forcibly fanning out the world over.

Now, you may ask what’s so bad about these crayfish? It appears the carapaced critters embody the worst stereotypes of the entire culture war into one marbled menace:

  1. They are Millenials: Having been spawned within the last 25 years, and so come of age during the self-esteem nonsense, the internet, and the endless need for self-affirmation.
  2. They reject male and female labels: And why not? They can reproduce entirely asexually, in endless clones of themselves. No need for labels here. They were Born Hatched this Way!
  3. As Perfect Feminists, they don’t even need males: Yes, these mudbugs have achieved what should be the feminist nirvana. They have created a world where males are entirely unnecessary. I think it’s rather symbolic, though, that crayfish are notoriously cannibalistic, as their world is truly one that will devour its own.
  4. They never date, never get married, and always live in their mother’s fishtank (until she eats them, which opens some interesting Oedipal issues), onanistically “enjoying” BBC documentaries rather than getting out into the real stream, meeting other crayfish, or asserting themselves as mature adults.
  5. They are illegal aliens:  As such, they are taking away decent bottom-feeding jobs from other, more deserving native-born bottom feeders, doing the jobs that native-born can’t or won’t do: Seriously – these mutants can directly digest cellulose, something most other decapods can’t do without the aid of bacterial assists. Since they don’t need to actually meet any others of their kind to spawn, they’ve got a higher fertility rate than any native-born species.

So, yes, our culture war has reached even into the animal kingdom, and has polluted the depths of the muddy streams, the world over. It is fitting that it should all be symbolized so neatly in a Millenial Onanistic Arthropod.

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  1. Tom Meyer, Common Citizen Contributor

    Do they carry a lot of student debt and expect entry-level jobs to provide them with both a sizable income and deep philosophical satisfaction?

    • #1
    • February 7, 2018, at 8:35 AM PST
    • 16 likes
  2. Al French of Damascus Moderator

    Pet crayfish?

    • #2
    • February 7, 2018, at 8:43 AM PST
    • 4 likes
  3. Douglas Pratt Coolidge
    Douglas PrattJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    How are they boiled and dipped in butter?

    • #3
    • February 7, 2018, at 8:45 AM PST
    • 6 likes
  4. DrewInEastHillAutonomousZone Coolidge

    I saw Millennial Onanistic Crayfish open for Men Without Hats back in 1985.

    • #4
    • February 7, 2018, at 8:45 AM PST
    • 29 likes
  5. Judge Mental Member

    DrewInWisconsin (View Comment):
    I saw Millennial Onanistic Crayfish open for Men Without Hats back in 1985.

    I’ve been waiting for this.

    • #5
    • February 7, 2018, at 8:46 AM PST
    • 11 likes
  6. DrewInEastHillAutonomousZone Coolidge

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    DrewInWisconsin (View Comment):
    I saw Millennial Onanistic Crayfish open for Men Without Hats back in 1985.

    I’ve been waiting for this.

    Someone had to do it.

    • #6
    • February 7, 2018, at 8:49 AM PST
    • 6 likes
  7. J.D. Snapp Coolidge

    Do they also consume Tide Pods?

    • #7
    • February 7, 2018, at 8:49 AM PST
    • 15 likes
  8. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSulJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    J.D. Snapp, All Out of Gum (View Comment):
    Do they also consume Tide Pods?

    As crayfish, I’m pretty sure they’ll eat anything.

    • #8
    • February 7, 2018, at 8:51 AM PST
    • 4 likes
  9. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSulJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Tom Meyer, Common Citizen (View Comment):
    Do they carry a lot of student debt and expect entry-level jobs to provide them with both a sizable income and deep philosophical satisfaction?

    Many have unrealistic expectations of achieving lobsterdom.

    • #9
    • February 7, 2018, at 8:52 AM PST
    • 14 likes
  10. HankRhody Freelance Philosopher Contributor

    DrewInWisconsin (View Comment):

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    DrewInWisconsin (View Comment):
    I saw Millennial Onanistic Crayfish open for Men Without Hats back in 1985.

    I’ve been waiting for this.

    Someone had to do it.

    I was going to pass on that joke for once, but there you go.

    • #10
    • February 7, 2018, at 8:56 AM PST
    • 9 likes
  11. livingtheLoneStarlife Inactive

    Douglas Pratt (View Comment):
    How are they boiled and dipped in butter?

    They can’t handle the heat and don’t like butter. And their best friends are the lowly potato and corn on the cob.

    • #11
    • February 7, 2018, at 9:16 AM PST
    • 5 likes
  12. Aaron Miller Member
    Aaron MillerJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Everyone knows these women are less spicy when removed from Louisiana.

    • #12
    • February 7, 2018, at 9:17 AM PST
    • 3 likes
  13. Aaron Miller Member
    Aaron MillerJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    I object to feminism generally, but when combined with mud wrestling…

    • #13
    • February 7, 2018, at 9:19 AM PST
    • 4 likes
  14. Patrick McClure Coolidge

    Is your thesaurus still smoking after the workout you gave it?

    • #14
    • February 7, 2018, at 9:23 AM PST
    • 18 likes
  15. Rick Poach Inactive

    DrewInWisconsin (View Comment):

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    DrewInWisconsin (View Comment):
    I saw Millennial Onanistic Crayfish open for Men Without Hats back in 1985.

    I’ve been waiting for this.

    Someone had to do it.

    I’m glad it was you. For a second, I thought @max had ticked off another indy band.

    • #15
    • February 7, 2018, at 9:30 AM PST
    • 11 likes
  16. Rick Poach Inactive

    Aaron Miller (View Comment):
    I object to feminism generally, but when combined with mud wrestling…

    No. Just, no.

    • #16
    • February 7, 2018, at 9:31 AM PST
    • 4 likes
  17. Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw Member

    It seems to me that this is a case of Water Tribbles. Now if only there were a Water Klingon ship to beam them to.

    • #17
    • February 7, 2018, at 9:35 AM PST
    • 8 likes
  18. Percival Thatcher
    PercivalJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    J.D. Snapp, All Out of Gum (View Comment):
    Do they also consume Tide Pods?

    Tide Pods are available as a side dish.

    • #18
    • February 7, 2018, at 9:44 AM PST
    • 6 likes
  19. Umbra Fractus Inactive
    Umbra FractusJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Get a dozen or so Cajuns on it, and we’ll have the problem taken care of in 48 hours or less.

    • #19
    • February 7, 2018, at 9:50 AM PST
    • 15 likes
  20. GLDIII Temporarily Essential Reagan
    GLDIII Temporarily EssentialJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Clearly we need to be flinging more poop at each other. The Mods seem to have way too much time on there hands to be generating this horrifically bilious tripe. I heard it suggested the Mods were drawing straws (or was it butter) to regale us with this tidbit from the headline draw from the Drudge Report.

    • #20
    • February 7, 2018, at 10:21 AM PST
    • 3 likes
  21. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSulJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    GLDIII (View Comment):
    Clearly we need to be flinging more poop at each other. The Mods seem to have way too much time on there hands to be generating this horrifically bilious tripe. I heard it suggested the Mods were drawing straws (or was it butter) to regale us with this tidbit from the headline draw from the Drudge Report.

    Drawing straws or drawing butter? It was more like we were in a race to see who could call dibs.

    • #21
    • February 7, 2018, at 10:31 AM PST
    • 4 likes
  22. Rick Poach Inactive

    Umbra Fractus (View Comment):
    Get a dozen or so Cajuns on it, and we’ll have the problem taken care of in 48 hours or less.

    And as a bonus, they’ll bring a slammin’ zydeco band with them!

    • #22
    • February 7, 2018, at 10:37 AM PST
    • 7 likes
  23. Umbra Fractus Inactive
    Umbra FractusJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Rick Poach (View Comment):

    Umbra Fractus (View Comment):
    Get a dozen or so Cajuns on it, and we’ll have the problem taken care of in 48 hours or less.

    And as a bonus, they’ll bring a slammin’ zydeco band with them!

    Cajuns don’t play Zydeco. Zydeco is a predominantly black creation which fused Cajun music with the R&B/Blues/Gospel music that black people in Louisiana were playing before. Zydeco is to Cajun as Rock and Roll is to the Blues. </pedant>

    • #23
    • February 7, 2018, at 10:51 AM PST
    • 6 likes
  24. HankRhody Freelance Philosopher Contributor

    Rick Poach (View Comment):

    Aaron Miller (View Comment):
    I object to feminism generally, but when combined with mud wrestling…

    No. Just, no.

    The feminists you want to see are never the feminists you get to see.

    • #24
    • February 7, 2018, at 10:53 AM PST
    • 8 likes
  25. J.D. Snapp Coolidge

    GLDIII (View Comment):
    Clearly we need to be flinging more poop at each other. The Mods seem to have way too much time on there hands to be generating this horrifically bilious tripe. I heard it suggested the Mods were drawing straws (or was it butter) to regale us with this tidbit from the headline draw from the Drudge Report.

    We’ve not really had a lot of work lately. I take this as a good sign.

    • #25
    • February 7, 2018, at 11:05 AM PST
    • 5 likes
  26. OldDanRhody's speakeasy Member

    SkipSul: They never date, never get married, and always live in their mother’s fishtank

    Image result for zoidberg tell it to the claw

    • #26
    • February 7, 2018, at 11:28 AM PST
    • 8 likes
  27. Percival Thatcher
    PercivalJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Most websites that have moderators select them on the basis of probity, decorum, and levelheadedness.

    Here, the moderators conduct “weird-offs.”

    • #27
    • February 7, 2018, at 11:38 AM PST
    • 15 likes
  28. Jack Shepherd Coolidge

    Umbra Fractus (View Comment):
    Get a dozen or so Cajuns on it, and we’ll have the problem taken care of in 48 hours or less.

    Or more, you mean. Cajuns don’t do anything quickly. Especially eat.

    • #28
    • February 7, 2018, at 11:39 AM PST
    • 4 likes
  29. Tom Meyer, Common Citizen Contributor

    Rick Poach (View Comment):

    Aaron Miller (View Comment):
    I object to feminism generally, but when combined with mud wrestling…

    No. Just, no.

    I’m with @aaronmiller on this:

    • #29
    • February 7, 2018, at 11:55 AM PST
    • 4 likes
  30. Rick Poach Inactive

    J.D. Snapp, All Out of Gum (View Comment):

    GLDIII (View Comment):
    Clearly we need to be flinging more poop at each other. The Mods seem to have way too much time on there hands to be generating this horrifically bilious tripe. I heard it suggested the Mods were drawing straws (or was it butter) to regale us with this tidbit from the headline draw from the Drudge Report.

    We’ve not really had a lot of work lately. I take this as a good sign.

    I can help with that if you’d like.
    cc: @skipsul

    • #30
    • February 7, 2018, at 12:11 PM PST
    • 3 likes

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