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An Open Letter to Cthulhu Cultists
It’s the apocalypse, so why don’t you put down the funny-sided dice.
Seriously, what in the hell are you all waiting for? I know you’ve had no choice but to hide in far-flung corners of the world: the ice deserts of the north, the remote bayous of the south, the D&D gaming tables in your moms’ basements, but know this: the time for you to organize is right now.
And I quote: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.” — “In his house at R’lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.”
Fhtagn … dreaming.
On Saturday, January 20, Congressional Democrats triggered a shutdown of the federal government of the United States — an act that widely has been reported and long believed to be the start of the apocalypse. And they triggered this shutdown over “dreamers.” I think you see where I’m going here.
After long, cold millennia, the stars and the darkness have finally aligned. The time has come for Cthulhu, the greatest of dreamers, to awaken. So get off of your rears and get to work! R’lyeh won’t rise from the ocean without preparation — you know this!
So, as a service to you incompetent lot, I’ve included a short list of assets and allies that you must secure before this can happen. Remember, the big C is watching:
Yes, there’s common ground here.
Financing: At 87, before he drifts off into the shrieking void, I’m sure that George Soros wants to fund one last great act of fanatically senseless chaos, one last flip of his messiah-complex middle-finger to all of Western Civilization. Cthulhu can help with that: he’s a giver. Both want nothing more than to establish a nightmare utopia on earth. There’s common ground here.
Political Allies: The Democrats want nothing more than to “fundamentally transform” (a Marxist euphemism for “destroy”) America. And so does Cthulhu … well, America and everything else. So, again: common ground. And, trust me, the Democrats hate President Trump so much that they’ll jump at the chance to get a power-player like the big C on their team. If you can’t reach Senator Schumer directly, try contacting CNN.
Conversion of Political Opponents: Admittedly, this will be a tougher sell. I, personally, would hammer home to the GOP that Cthulhu is one dreamer who is absolutely not interested in welfare … anyone’s. I’d start with Senator Graham.
Street Enforcement: When securing the other assets, there are times that you might find that you need some muscle. And what better place to look for some muscle with questionable ethics than known criminals. Well, lucky for you, there’s MS13, a criminal gang known to have other “dreamers” as members. And, get this: MS13’s motto is “kill, rape, control,” while, as you know, Cthulhu’s motto is (translated), “kill, rape, control, devour … everything.” So, yet again, common ground. Caveat: approach this gang with extreme caution.
Political Cover: Again, when securing the other assets, there are times that you might find that you need a safehouse. And again, lucky for you, there are Sanctuary Cities – cities which insist that the personal ethics and goals of each of the 800,000 to 3.6 million dreamers can’t possibly be known, so they’ll defy federal authority and protect them all from deportation. And since Cthulthu’s personal ethics and goals are fairly well known, at least as much as can be known about an Elder god, I’d highly suggest that you consider sanctuary in San Francisco. Having already signaled that they value the protection of dreamers over the life of one of their own citizens, they’re already in an ethical gray zone. So, with Cthluthu, it would just be a matter of numbers.
In conclusion, listen up: you all know that apocalypses don’t come around all that often, right? So, seriously, put down the funny-sided dice, tell the Trump fascists to hold your skull-cup of frothing human madness, and get your heads in the game! For the ultimate dreamer. For C. #Resist. #CthulhuFhtagn.
Published in Group Writing
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cthulhu
I recommend going here for “The Call of Cthulhu” and printing, Kindle-apping, or procuring the text in whatever other way you like. Then read at your leisure. It’s a short story by old standards, almost a novella in the days of short attention spans in which we live.
It’s not quite Shakespeare or Tolkien. But it is great literature in a way, and Cthulhu is a very interesting fictional monster.
Whoa! Is this gonna be as awesome as it looks?
And here I was just thinking it was a neat trend.
A shame the slots are all full. I had a ridiculous idea that might have flown.
I don’t know. When I ran the Fishmen video Bryan posted, it was one of the choices at the end. It looks like it could be good.
You might notice that Rick didn’t sign up. Also M. Watt did not sign up. And then we had Midge and Skip playing off J.D.’s dead horse thread. So, pick a date and double up. Sign up if you wish.
Hmm. I think I’ll type up my idea. Maybe I’ll post it sometime tomorrow. (I don’t want to steal attention from anyone else’s more intelligent writing, since mine would be . . . mostly non-writing.)
Ooh, pictures!
More like . . . silence.
Apophatics. Of a low and ridiculous sort.
As Godzilla is a metaphor for human hubris and warns of the monsters we can make when we fool with mother nature, Cthulhu is also a metaphor: fear of the unknown-be it a new object in our solar system, the center of the universe or the capabilities and stores of our own minds.
Some say you can understand the present and know the future by studying the past. I won’t say that this means there are no unknowns in politics, but everyone behaving so predictably in this pro-wrestling show is the true eldritch horror, here.
We can not be rid of Godzilla or Cthulhu because we can not stop creating them.
~Jimm
Man, if I could go back in time, I’d track down this shy, bookish sixteen year old I knew. I’d tell him that in the future he’d find a bunch of people to whom he could mention “Cthulhu” and they would totally know exactly what he was talking about.
I learned about Cthulhu as I did so many other things, from the Illuminatus trilogy back in the 70’s.
The future is pretty great.
Then again, expecting people to know what I’m talking about is not always a major concern for me.
@iwe, Saint Augustine’s comment contains a link to Lovecraft’s short story “The Call of Cthulhu.”
Glad I could make you laugh. Thanks for reading.
Ah, a cultist with knowledge, a priest then. Time to rally your flock, or school, or pod as it were…
Thanks for reading, Valiuth. Cthulhu fhtagn!
You’re welcome, Clavius. Thanks for reading.
I guess neither am I. I wasn’t aware that the monthly group writing prompt wasn’t a free-for-all. I hope I didn’t step on any toes, or fins, or claws, or tentacles. But soon, it’s really not going to matter all that much anyway.
Thanks for reading, A.
Thanks, @justmeinaz. Check out Saint Augustine’s comment for a link to Lovecraft’s short story “The Call of Cthulhu.”
Ah, another cultist! Get to work!
Thanks for reading, Bryan.
Did you just assume Cthulhu’s metaphor? You live dangerously.
Thanks for reading, G.
He’s probably a high-priest now and knows lots of cultists who know exactly who Cthulhu is. My guess is that they meet every Thursday night for Doritos, Mountain Dew, and Role Playing.
Thanks for reading, Michael.
This explains much.
Thanks for reading, Judge. Cthulhu fhtagn… fnord.
It’s going to be the big thing very soon.
Thanks for reading, Hartmann.
Definitely a cultist.
Thanks for reading, Matt. Cthulhu fhtagn.
You’re fine. Or finny. Whatever.
Roll up a character….man that takes me back.
Iron Maiden Album cover for me.