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An Open Letter to Cthulhu Cultists
It’s the apocalypse, so why don’t you put down the funny-sided dice.
Seriously, what in the hell are you all waiting for? I know you’ve had no choice but to hide in far-flung corners of the world: the ice deserts of the north, the remote bayous of the south, the D&D gaming tables in your moms’ basements, but know this: the time for you to organize is right now.
And I quote: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.” — “In his house at R’lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.”
Fhtagn … dreaming.
On Saturday, January 20, Congressional Democrats triggered a shutdown of the federal government of the United States — an act that widely has been reported and long believed to be the start of the apocalypse. And they triggered this shutdown over “dreamers.” I think you see where I’m going here.
After long, cold millennia, the stars and the darkness have finally aligned. The time has come for Cthulhu, the greatest of dreamers, to awaken. So get off of your rears and get to work! R’lyeh won’t rise from the ocean without preparation — you know this!
So, as a service to you incompetent lot, I’ve included a short list of assets and allies that you must secure before this can happen. Remember, the big C is watching:
Yes, there’s common ground here.
Financing: At 87, before he drifts off into the shrieking void, I’m sure that George Soros wants to fund one last great act of fanatically senseless chaos, one last flip of his messiah-complex middle-finger to all of Western Civilization. Cthulhu can help with that: he’s a giver. Both want nothing more than to establish a nightmare utopia on earth. There’s common ground here.
Political Allies: The Democrats want nothing more than to “fundamentally transform” (a Marxist euphemism for “destroy”) America. And so does Cthulhu … well, America and everything else. So, again: common ground. And, trust me, the Democrats hate President Trump so much that they’ll jump at the chance to get a power-player like the big C on their team. If you can’t reach Senator Schumer directly, try contacting CNN.
Conversion of Political Opponents: Admittedly, this will be a tougher sell. I, personally, would hammer home to the GOP that Cthulhu is one dreamer who is absolutely not interested in welfare … anyone’s. I’d start with Senator Graham.
Street Enforcement: When securing the other assets, there are times that you might find that you need some muscle. And what better place to look for some muscle with questionable ethics than known criminals. Well, lucky for you, there’s MS13, a criminal gang known to have other “dreamers” as members. And, get this: MS13’s motto is “kill, rape, control,” while, as you know, Cthulhu’s motto is (translated), “kill, rape, control, devour … everything.” So, yet again, common ground. Caveat: approach this gang with extreme caution.
Political Cover: Again, when securing the other assets, there are times that you might find that you need a safehouse. And again, lucky for you, there are Sanctuary Cities – cities which insist that the personal ethics and goals of each of the 800,000 to 3.6 million dreamers can’t possibly be known, so they’ll defy federal authority and protect them all from deportation. And since Cthulthu’s personal ethics and goals are fairly well known, at least as much as can be known about an Elder god, I’d highly suggest that you consider sanctuary in San Francisco. Having already signaled that they value the protection of dreamers over the life of one of their own citizens, they’re already in an ethical gray zone. So, with Cthluthu, it would just be a matter of numbers.
In conclusion, listen up: you all know that apocalypses don’t come around all that often, right? So, seriously, put down the funny-sided dice, tell the Trump fascists to hold your skull-cup of frothing human madness, and get your heads in the game! For the ultimate dreamer. For C. #Resist. #CthulhuFhtagn.
Published in Group Writing
Hm. Watch out for Lady Luck, though, if there are any incompetent wizzards around.
“Incompetent” describes this lot to a T. Millenia to prepare and then they stand around not knowing what to do, making excuses. Kind of like the GOP Congress with the Obamacare Repeal, only slightly less incompetent.
Thanks for reading, Richard.
Right on.
Well done.
Thanks, St. Aug. Thanks for reading. And Cthulhu fhtagn!
Come join Cthulhu! They have babes!
Deferred Action for Cthulhu’s Arrival, now!
Thanks for reading, Quinn. And Cthulhu fhtagn!
If it’s the shutdown apocalypse anyway, why not?
Thanks for reading, Skip. And Cthulhu fhtagn!
And their hats are sooo much better than those stupid pink ones.
Keep that sort of thing up and the big C might be merciful and eat you first.
No, no! After you! You really have earned the greater honor. I’ll be in the back. In a bunker. Somewhere else. Preferably very far inland.
Okay, I’m going to jump in. But why do I always have to be the contrarian?
I appreciate your broad-mindedness and your enthusiasm for inclusion. I’m sure this Cthulhu chap is a dandy, and that he’d make a positive contribution to society, hold a productive job, etc., etc.
But, until we put an end to chain migration, I think we have to look long and hard at our criteria for accepting immigrants from other countries, other continents, and other deep marine trenches. Look, I’m no bigot — anyone who knows me will tell you that. I take each
personentity asheit comes. But this lottery nonsense has gone on long enough, and we have to start thinking about what’s good for America. Otherwise, we’re going to have a bunch of immigrants whowill fail to assimilate and will consume our public resourcesjust want to steal our souls and enslave us all for eternity.So, respectfully, no — and certainly not before we’ve secured our Pacific border with a 120 foot tall electrified steel fence.
That would never stop Cthulhu. We’d have better luck keeping him out with Jaegers.
But it would be, as Hugh Hewitt likes to say, an “outward manifestation of an inward resolve to control the border.”
Plus, I’d recruit the Avengers.
Make no mistake, the big C will be bringing Yog-Sothoth, Shub-Niggurath, Dagon, and the whole fam with him, Shuggoths and cousins included.
And eat, don’t forget eat.
Right, just a nativist-dimensionist.
BTW, thanks for reading, Henry.
And they’d be super tasty.
Ah, a cultist. Get to work.
Wait … I thought Cthulhu just ran for and lost the 2016 Presidential Election?
You entirely mistake Cthulhu’s purpose. He would solve unemployment problems once and for all, by devouring the unemployed. Not that there would be many of them, what with all the temple construction, sacrificial altar building, and so forth.
No. The big C is still in his house at R’lyeh dreaming. If he wasn’t, believe me, you’d know.
Ah, Skip understands. He must be a cultist.
No, not a cultist. Just one who has been building a very large bunker.
Outstanding. Thanks, Rick.
Thanks, Boss. And Cthulhu Fhtagn!
I always read Cthulhu posts and laugh, but I am never quite sure why, because I seem to lack some basic information. Is there some primer that y’all could recommend to help me understand the context?
I’m quite sure Cthulhu endorsed Donald Trump, so… I don’t see the Dems going to him for anything.
Haha, this is wonderful. Thank you!
I’m not sure what is going on here, but it seems at least tangentially related to our January Group Writing theme of “An Open Letter…” (Do we really want to claim this one, though?) If you have not yet been eaten by a large, green, winged, tentacle-laden Elder Cod from the deeps, you might consider our February Group Writing. Obviously, folks are winter-weary and suffering cabin fever, so February’s theme will be “We Need a Little Summer.” If you have stories of summer or of scorching heat, perhaps you would like to go to our schedule to sign up to share them in February?
I don’t even know who Cthulhu is (I know, I know under a rock and all that) and I thought this was hilarious.
It’s beginning to look a lot like fishmen,