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An Open Letter to My Keyboard Spider
Dear spider,
I know you have places to go. Perhaps my keyboard might be the shortest distance between two points. But, really, it’s not a safe place for you to walk. You see, many of us humans do what is known as touch typing. We don’t look at the keyboard while typing. We’re looking at the monitor where the letters appear. So, if you start walking across the keyboard, I may not see you the next time. Someone is going to get hurt, and someone else is going to get spider guts and broken chitin all over his fingers. And on the keyboard, too.
We don’t want that to happen, do we?
Now, spiders hunt insects, and I want you to keep hunting. After all, these cats are thoroughly useless as hunters. Sure, they’ll spot an insect, but will they kill it and eat it when they have fresh cow, seafood, and kibble? Not a chance. The insect might be wiggly in their mouths. So, I welcome you to my home, just not to my keyboard.
If you could just take a different route, perhaps a longer and more indirect one, I would appreciate it.
Thank you,
The human
Published in Group Writing
And this is why you should really sign up for Group Writing. We have ten more openings in January. Already, strange things are happening. Gluten? Spiders? What will happen next if I have to write another of these? You really don’t want to know.
This conversation is part of our Group Writing Series under our January theme of An Open Letter… If you’d like to have a bit of fun by writing a silly open letter, no serious letters accepted as you can do those anytime, why not head on over to our January and schedule and sign-up sheet?
Romans 12: 18 New King James Version (NKJV) *slightly edited
18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all
men*spiders?One built a web on my car between the antenna and windshield.
I was willing to let it be.
But I think the neighbor was afraid it might drag away some of the neighborhood children. So, he removed the web and spider.
I have tried to learn how to touch type, but apparently my brain is not wired for it. However, I don’t hunt and peck either. I know where the keys are, but I have to look at them while I type. Nonetheless, I can type pretty rapidly, and didn’t use to make any mistakes until the carpal tunnel kicked in.
Oh, and any spider walking across my keyboard is killed on sight . . .
Charlotte’s Webb
There is a great scene in Eight Men Out where Studs Terkel is shone typing very rapidly with two fingers. In an interview, he later said that this was really how he typed.
It probably couldn’t have survived being transported anyway, unless you were able to drive quite slowly. Maybe stay off the highways?
Mrs. OS and I welcome spiders on the place as long as they are outside. I could be somewhat more lax with their presence inside than Mrs. OS will stand for but not, I think, on my keyboard. That’s when the vacuum comes out.
I took typing in HS back in the previous Millennium. Have always been glad I did. But my keyboard still makes mistaeks.
My dad used 4 fingers, the first two on each hand. And he was faster than I ever was at it. Made fewer mistakes too.
Good thing you’re not in Canada or you could end up like Mark Steyn.
Or was that a different phobia?
Spiders get a pass. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen one on my keyboard, but I’m a touch typist too.
Touch typing? One more skill I never possessed, so Spidey girl is safe on my keyboard since I have to look at the keys just to get the finger tips in the right ball park wth the stabbing.
Well, you’ve given me an opportunity to unearth this old story:
http://money.cnn.com/2014/04/06/autos/mazda-spiders-recall/index.html
Also, your spider has retained me as legal counsel, and asked me to issue you the following statement:
Not quite in the same vein, but nonetheless
My reaction to an unwelcome spider is to escort it to the bathroom for a swim.
My wife objects, preferring a call to the humane society.
This reminds me of a story from my hippy step-sister. She was involved with some sort of group which bought an old conference center in the woods to use as an ashram. Whatever group it was, they had an “All life is sacred” philosophy. Well, this conference center had been abandoned for a few years and had many invaders, as one can imagine. So, the members of this group were trying to shoo the various forms of wildlife out of the buildings. They were catching spiders and insects and taking them out into the woods (where they would probably die, by the way).
My step-sister walked into one room where there was this one little old lady who was part of the group. She was having none of that nonsense. She had a rolled up magazine and was swatting the bugs, “Back to God!” My step-sister watched for awhile, and with every swat, the old lady would say, “Back to God!”
I’m performing a genetic hygiene program. Any spider dumb enough to crawl anywhere near me is too stupid to live. First I smack it to jelly, then I burn the corpse to make sure.
You sir, are calmer about it than I am. Snakes? Sure whatever. Cockroaches? Meh. Mice, rats, etc… *shrug*. However, being a plumber’s assistant for a summer crawling under houses in/around Nashville, TN just out of high school turned me into a bit of a arachnicidal maniac.
It’s interesting to bring up spiders during this cold spell. I’ve seen three or four this week too. It’s been record-setting cold on Cape Cod, so I would think they would be fast asleep somewhere. The inch-wide grayish brown spiders I’ve seen have been moving quite fast about halfway up the walls of the house where they are quite noticeable–noticeable partly because they have been moving so fast.
In my effort to find something good in the cold weather we are having, I have been thinking that next spring’s bug crop should be smaller than usual. Yay! But maybe that’s exactly what’s happening now with the spiders. Perhaps they are looking for food because of the dormant-bug apocalypse currently in progress. I wonder if the spiders eat dormant bugs most of the winter, but this winter it is not possible because they died in the cold spaces between the outer and inner walls of our house. :)
Gahhh.
Mire birbin. That will make you not care about typing errors.
Other than English classes for writing and literature, the class from high school that has benefitted me the most was a semester-long class in touch typing. I’ve used it continually, every day. It got me through college and law school, and it’s indispensable in my daily work. Since they introduced computers into our office in the ’80s, I’ve typed all my own reports, briefs, memos, etc.
With regard to in-house spiders, there’s a simple rule in my house: If they stay out of sight – or at least stay to the out-of-the-way corners – I leave them alone; on the other hand, if they start flaunting their presence openly, their time on the Earth is over.
Neoscona crucifera :) Great spiders. Orb weavers. Beautiful webs.
Talk about a prompt! Couldn’t resist – once again:
The hunt’n peck method of typing was never actually an inefficient method, despite its bad reputation. Recent office productivity studies indicate that 67% of all professional personal assistants are still hunt’n peckers.
What a beautiful poem. Thank you. :)
Because you are only familiar with the effeminate North American variety of spiders and insects. A friend told me that he woke up one morning somewhere in the Golden Triangle with a nasty wound that was leaking pus and whatnot for days and that eventually left a very nasty scab. He never saw the perp but the exotic long haired dictionary that treated it with honey was convinced that it was a spider bite. Or maybe he said it was an exotic wound and a nasty long haired dictionary that treated it? I forget.
Too much blood in your alcohol vessels.
I know what spiders are safe to live with and those that need immediate prejudicial extinction. We have some here which are also dangerous. This particular specimen was not.