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Surrendering? Not Me!
Many years ago, a friend of mine invited me to join a study group that was using a book to guide their discussions. She made the process sound engaging and fun, so I purchased the book. Unfortunately, while reviewing the book I reached one portion where I saw one word that completely turned me off: surrender. Uh-uh. That was not in my game plan. So I kindly told her that I appreciated the invitation, but I didn’t “do surrender.”
I’ve learned a lot since then. I learned that surrender did not just mean throwing in the towel, sacrificing, and backing down. It meant much more than that. And in my 20-year journey through Zen Buddhism and the last few years of renewing my Jewish practice, I have learned a great deal about surrendering, how it has helped me mature, and how important it has been to deepen my life experience and my relationships.
Surrendering has a paradoxical quality: it requires us to acknowledge that there are areas where we have no control, such as in illness, temperament, and unexpected disasters. At the same time, how we respond to our circumstances is the other side of surrender. If we are struck with debilitating physical conditions and grieve our loss, do we eventually choose to do everything we can to work with our limitations, to get past them? Do we insist on exploring every possible avenue for growth and opportunity, no matter how difficult it might be? But the paradox is that we must also fully embrace our situation from a heart-full place; only then can we transform our situation into a positive one.
So what is surrendering? In one sense we can define the word in three areas: surrendering to the unfolding of our personal lives is one. In my case, severing my relationship with my Zen teacher and the Zen community was devastating; I fully experienced my grief and anger about that choice for several months. Then I was free to decide how to heal and move forward. That is personal surrender.
The second area of surrender can be life circumstances. When we feel forced to leave our homes, to resign ourselves to the results of an election, to accept the poor choices that some people repeatedly make, we may find ourselves angry beyond rational thinking, or resentful of what they are doing, or condemn them for their lack of good judgment, clear thinking (or any other label you choose to apply). We can’t see past our reactions and spend a lot of our time denigrating people (at least in our minds) who make such poor decisions. I’ve also found that projection or transference may be occurring; that is, at a subconscious level we know there is a part of us that is just like that person, only we don’t recognize it and then choose to work with it. It’s much easier to criticize the other person for being inept or stupid or careless. Where the paradox of surrendering comes in is when we fully acknowledge whatever is at play in our life circumstances. We accept that our own psychology also plays a role in our condemnation and in our ferocity. Unless you are a person who prefers to torture yourself with the injustices that are occurring, this type of surrender to what is will not change your view necessarily, but it will change the way you perceive it, assess it and put it in perspective. In other words, your opinion doesn’t necessarily change, but your psyche sees it in a different way. And you also suffer much less.
The third area where we can surrender is in our spiritual life; this type of surrender applied to the opening of my OP. In refusing to participate in the group discussion, I didn’t mean to denigrate G-d or be disrespectful of Him, but I was in charge of my life and would make my own choices. Right! I came to realize that surrendering to G-d was a blessing, an opportunity to not only serve G-d but to serve everyone around me. To open to G-d’s mitzvahs and choose to acknowledge and embrace them is a kind of surrender I still struggle with. The Jewish laws are demanding and require a discipline that I am not prepared to accept fully. So my surrender is only partial. When I make a choice to do something for others, however, or awaken to a new idea to write about, I offer it up to Him. After all, I have no way of knowing where the inspiration has come from. The paradox, here, is that the more I surrender to G-d’s will, the more I feel I am becoming my true self. I am empowered and eager for this opportunity to continue to grow and serve.
By now you may also realize that the three “areas” I’ve described are not discrete, but are interwoven with each other. Every time we are called to surrender, to something deeply personal, to our circumstances, none of it is separate from G-d. When we grow in this understanding, we can only be humbled and grateful.
I want to thank @simontemplar for inspiring my post with his.
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I would like to know how the idea of surrender strikes you? Do you refuse to surrender in certain areas of your life, but consent in others? What are your reasons? Do you think it’s a bad idea overall?
SQ, if surrender means abandoning the fight entirely: No way. If it means picking my (daily) battles and acknowledging presently-unalterable realities/finding interdependent solutions: I’m all-in. I, too, want to acknowledge @simontemplar‘s inspiration when it comes to living out one’s daily decision to “stay in the fight”. Thanks to both of you for the food for thought!
So that there is no doubt, Nanda, I mean the latter. A person “gives in to the situation” by trying to make it go away, by blaming others, by suffering in despair, without trying to move forward. That is the situation one has to fully experience, and then come to terms with his or her reality, then take on those daily battles (as you and Simon do so well). I think this is where we stumble with paradox. I think that some people are unwilling to run this gauntlet of knowing the full measure of their suffering, because they think they will never find their way out. But when we go through that suffering initially (as you know, I suspect), we free ourselves from it. We just don’t trust that we will come out the other side.
If it wasn’t important, I wouldn’t be fighting for it.
Uncle Gil’s Corollary to the Code of Chivalry: Anything truly worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
What one person calls dirty, another calls valiant! It’s all in the eyes of the beholder! Another saying that comes to mind, Percival, is that we just have to pick ourselves up, with all our bumps and bruises and breaks, dust ourselves off and remove the caked mud, and start all over again. Or something like that….
As an engineer and project manager, everything about what I do is about control, control of design, of process, of schedule and cost. After a while, and I’ve been at this for over 32 years, it forms every aspect of one’s personality. My job became the potter of my persona, not God as Isaiah says in Isaiah 64. It took a revolution of will to overcome what my job entails me to be to what God requires. Now that doesn’t mean one doesn’t shape things for positive outcomes. It means understanding that it takes me working with God’s will for that outcome to turn out as He wants it to. So that’s how I approach things now. I try my best to shape things for the best but if it doesn’t work out, well God has other plans, and I surrender to that.
Good post Susan.
A very insightful comment, Manny. To be able to make those distinctions and act on them is so important. I’m so accustomed to “trusting my instincts” that it’s not always clear to me that the insight is what G-d wants or expects. But I’m working on it!
Rambam would tell us that correct intellectual rigor in the study of Torah is necessary but not sufficient to prepare one for the highest possible experience of the Divine.
The external struggle leading to the possibility of a quiet miracle is what we think of Hanukkah as representing.
And the “battle against the Greeks” was a civil war.
Speaking of Mattithias:
Catholics hear readings from the Books of Maccabees during November-December, too. Resistance to assimilation is a focus in our community’s understanding, as well. Appreciate the photo, too!
I find this comment fascinating. Assimilation is an issue for everyone and everywhere. In truth even those that do not “assimilate”, assimilate — it is only a question of into what and to what extent. Every human generally assimilates into their family. Then they assimilate into the society in which their family lives unless there are taboos about the secondary assimilation. The challenge of diverse cultures is the assimilation issue. You can be a melting pot or a tossed salad. And there are consequences with regard to societal cohesion whichever way you choose. And then there is the assimilation where we lose self and simply accept the status within the group to which we have assimilated.
Assimilation is a challenge and a necessity, a blessing and a cursing.
Every year I buy my wife a copy of the book “The Surrendered Wife” for Christmas.
When we finally get to a year in which she doesn’t immediately throw it at my head, I’ll know its message is starting to seep in.
Beautiful, OTLC. I’ve read elsewhere (maybe it was from you) that the battle was really between the Hellenized Jews and the religious Jews. I guess we can be happy that Antiochus picked the wrong side. I like the thought that the light radiates throughout the world. So important. Thank you.
Edit: I assume that Mattithias’ tomb is in a place other than Modiin?
It is indeed. In these days, most groups don’t worry about losing their identity. This has been a struggle for 4,000 years for the Jews. Thanks, Rodin.
So funny! What is the context for the book? I can’t wait to hear this, Dorrk. Even not knowing, I expect she won’t stop throwing it any time soon! ;-)
The author made the rounds of conservative talk shows about a decade ago. I only know of it from what she said while promoting it. It’s about he benefits to a marriage of a wife surrendering authority to her husband in several areas, including intimate relations. I don’t think it’s as bad as it sounds, but it’s the type of book that courts controversy.
I’ve never actually bought it for my wife, but I believe I’ve correctly presumed what her reaction might be.
The civil war the Maccabees won was against the cosmopolitan “globalist” elites of the day; in the wake of Alexander’s conquests, Greek civilization was the international high culture of much of the Mediterranean basin and beyond.
The well-connected Jewish globalists called for the armed help of the
UNSeleucid ruler against the fanatic yokels bitterly clinging to their religion and their swords and spears.I think I remember those discussions. I think it was explained in a Christian context, but of course people made it sound like women were slaves.
And in these times, even not knowing your wife, I expect you’ve guessed correctly. Thanks for expounding on the topic. ;-)
I guess we yokels showed them! Thanks.
Surrender can be freeing, depending on what you surrender to. Flexible in some situations is superior to immovable.
In some sense we probably surrender every day; give things in exchange for something else.
I never practiced Zen, don’t in fact know much about it except what I’ve read, but I have found the Eastern concept of deep breathing has helped me to clear my thoughts or relax, pray.