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Well-known conservative, Bob the Dog, has been accused by 236 lady dogs of sexually inappropriate behavior. Trixie La Chihuahua claims she was among Bob’s early victims. After a night of bar-hopping, Bob had invited her up to his fancy apartment to see an original painting of “Dogs Playing Poker” when he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He came out a minute later wearing nothing more than a lascivious grin.
He then jumped on the bed and shamelessly rolled on his back, inviting Trixie to do the same. Stunned and embarrassed, Trixie still had enough presence of mind to pull out her iPhone and snap the photo to the right.
Later, having fled Bob’s apartment, Trixie asserted that “Power dogs like Bob have always gotten away with that kind of disgusting behavior. But in these egalitarian modern times, it’s just no longer acceptable.”
Bob’s lawyer, Rover the Legal Beagle, poo-pooed Trixie’s claims. “Bob was merely scratching his back when his junk was inadvertently exposed. Listen, dogs like Bob have always attracted floozies like Trixie. As a wise man once said, ‘Drag a hundred-dollar bill through a trailer park and there’s no telling what you’ll find.’”
In the most recent accusation, Big Bella the Mutt held back tears as she told her story: “I didn’t know what to do. After all, he was Bob, the alpha dog of the neighborhood, and I was a poor mutt from the projects. I was innocently gnawing on a bone when that little creep came up behind me and dove in. I mean, the pervert started sniffing like I had some kind of doggie treat up my rear end. That dog needs to be muzzled. I felt violated. I’m telling this story now so that others will shake off their shame and come forward.”
When confronted by this new accusation, Bob admitted that he liked big butts and he could not lie. “I was in the thrall of my manly DNA,” Bob claimed. “So when Bella gave me a come-hither wiggle of her massive, though quite handsome, booty, I couldn’t resist. That big mutt is a brazen hussie,” said Bob, “and there’s an end to it.”
In a hastily-called press conference, famed feminist lawyer, Gloria Airedale, surrounded by six grim-faced lady dogs, said that she spoke not just for Trixie and Bella, but for all of the pooches that Bob abused: “Let’s stop blaming the victim! Just stop it! It’s true that Trixie is a naive young thing and Bella has a big wiggle in her walk, but that doesn’t excuse Bob’s egregiously inappropriate behavior. Besides, even if their consent were given (which I don’t believe for an instant), that consent was meaningless in the context of the power differential between a dog of consequence like Bob and poor little nothing-burgers like Trixie and Bella.”
Bob was apparently an extra-species abuser. A mall Santa in Portland recently accused Bob of licking his ear, leaving it damp and icky, and pawing his merry genitalia.
However, a witness standing in line to see Santa claimed that the jolly old elf was smiling and shouting “Ho, ho, ho” at the time the alleged licking and pawing took place. “It looked to me like Santa was enjoying it,” the witness said.
Santa replied that he “always grins and shouts ‘Ho, ho, ho.’ That’s what I do. Listen, Bob copped a feel and violated my person. That dog is a menace!”
Thus far, Bob has been able to survive widespread media scrutiny and public condemnation. But there are 234 more canine ladies and 44 non-canine species (including 25 pussycats) lined up waiting to tell their wonderfully titillating stories. According to this reporter, Fresno Bob is toast.