Ricochet is the best place on the internet to discuss the issues of the day, either through commenting on posts or writing your own for our active and dynamic community in a fully moderated environment. In addition, the Ricochet Audio Network offers over 50 original podcasts with new episodes released every day.
Thoughts After Thirty-One Years
I have a friend who broke up his second marriage because he wasn’t satisfied. Within a month, he found someone new through his social circles. He was in love and they began living together. After two years, he gave up on this girlfriend because she wasn’t going to change.
Within a month, he found another woman on a dating site and was living with her. Once again, he was in love. At about two years, he would speak openly about their differences and their conflicts. But this time, he was determined to make it work.
My friend’s relational career was educational to me. In a purely humanistic way, it made some sense – and in some ways was even attractive – to do what it takes to find that person of perfect compatibility.
The rebuttal to this line of thinking is that my friend really isn’t any better off. He hadn’t transcended the basic problem of two divergent personalities coming together and trying to make a go of it. He thought that if he would find the right person, the problem would go away. But it never does.
When we first fall in love, God curses husband and wife with chemicals that make us think that we are completely one in thought, motive, and desire. Somewhere along the line (and especially after financial testing or children hit the scene), the hormones recede and reality breaks through our well-crafted romantic fantasy. We discover that we are not as alike as we thought. The art of a successful marriage is whether or not we successfully forge compatibility amidst these differences. Some put off this problem focusing on externals and children until one day they find themselves lonely together in an empty house.
A counselor told me years ago that they can help any marriage until one of the party turns to contempt and despises the other. What I have learned as a basic point of Christian spirituality is that sin is committed long before the act in what false narrative the heart chooses to embrace and cultivate.
I can take my spouse’s faults, her perceived weaknesses, her alleged inflexibility, and objectify them out to be the guiding narrative of who she is. Tie this to my emotional hurts, and now I have a resentment that is difficult to overcome.
However, when I loosen my tenacious grip, seek to work on my character defects, and commit to being present and engaged with my companion and bride, these resentments recede and intimacy is created. When I work on me, my wife’s faults disappear. Imagine that!
My heroes in marriage are Tevye and Golde in Fiddler on the Roof. Their marriage was arranged so they didn’t follow their heart or look for the most compatible fit. They lived in a culture where they depended on each other, so forming destructive resentments was not an option. They had to find a way to transcend their differences, be faithful, and do it for a very long time. Though not the makings of a love-conquers-all romantic movie, their love was more substantial, earthy, and real than the fluttering hearts that we may have naïvely thought would hold us together.
A Jewish teacher taught me that the reason God gave Adam a woman is to give him someone who is somewhat like him in one respect but very different in another. They had to learn to rise above their differences and love the “other.” Marrying someone who is a clone of myself is narcissistic and forges nothing toward the true nature of love. Love is only proven when there are differences between personalities. Love is deepened when it is committed to and cultivated for a very long time.
Hey @davidbsable, that’s a lot to think about. Both for how I should act today and what pronouncements I will make about marriage to my kids and the other young, inquisitive people who lend me their ear (how I’m doing it vs. how I should have done it).
Our culture is so full to the brim of vapid advice (communicate!), I really appreciate something to be chewed over awhile.
Dave,
OK OK, I’ll play it for you.
Regards,
Jim
@James Gawron Thank you. I was trying to figure out how to embed it into my post but it would not work for me. I was successful on my blog which is also WordPress but not here. Anyway, you accomplished what I was hoping for!
One of the truths we learned at Marriage Encounter over 30 years ago (Yes! I admit it! We went. Twice!) is that love is a decision.
This goes along with a saying I’ve used for a while: “No matter where you go there you are”.
Change a wife, the problems come with you. (Obviously in cases of violence or infidelity one spouse may have grounds to leave the other.)
Great post.
Excellent article. Contempt is indeed the biggest killer of marriages.
Dave,
Well, aside from the minor technical achievement, the truth is that it was always one of my favorites too.
Regards,
Jim
You have stumbled on some wisdom that you should share with your fickle, self-focused friend. The comment above that says love is a decision hit the nail on the head – it is also God’s way of refining us (some more than others!).
After 40 years, we don’t have it completely figured out, but we’re working on it HARD.
I do not understand why people seek easy relationships, or having a great deal in common.
For me, marriage is awesome because we are very different, and compatibility is something that is forged in the fire of the relationship, not something that just happened.
The more we work at something, the more we value the result. Easy come, easy go. But big investments yield bigger returns.
Rules I have been taught:
“Whoever is nearer the door controls the relationship” (Good relationships are not about control).
“You can work it out with this one or you can work out the same s*#t with the next one.” (In other words, the common thread in all the bad relationships I’ve had was me).
However, when I loosen my tenacious grip, seek to work on my character defects, and commit to being present and engaged with my companion and bride, these resentments recede and intimacy is created. When I work on me, my wife’s faults disappear. Imagine that.
Beautifully said. Wise words for all of us. And your inclusion of Tevye’s and Golde’s story further served to strengthen your points. Thank you.
Love is a verb.
David,
This is one of the most beautiful and thoughtful posts that has ever been on Ricochet.
I have never been married, for myriad and complicated reasons. But I recognize wisdom when it is presented to me. If more people could stop, and consider what they are doing with their lives, the world would be so much more beautiful.
Congratulations. Thank you. And God Bless!
…George Townsend
So hookers and blow is not the answer?
Darnies.
The one common factor in all of your failed relationships is you.
DavidBSable, your post reminds me of an old Jewish saying: “Two divorced people get married, four people get into bed.” I can’t help but wonder if your friend’s previous relationships did not make his subsequent relationships more difficult.
Amen. You have found the secret.
No kidding – this guy seems to go out and “find someone” in 30 days, move in and when it doesn’t work out, he’s confused and unhappy, and repeats the process – like some (un) reality TV show – that’s not how real life works, and after all these years, he doesn’t have a clue about women or how to get along with them.
And it’s never too late :)
Lovely post David.
I have met Mrs iWe, she is brilliant, fun, and I enjoyed her company, you are indeed a lucky man.
Great post.
Your friend is so human. I was suddenly and unexpectedly widowed after 25 years and was crazy to remarry, leading to a very premature proposal which fortunately was not accepted. Only after 10 years did I really truly find love. Now in the third year of a fabulous marriage, I urge slowness and restraint to people whose marriages end. Take yer time. Find yer mind. The spouse you seek will still be there in a few more years, and the passage of time will make you ready for her.
Excellent post! In Catholicism we consider marriage a covenant, just as God has a covenant with His people. And that covenant cannot be broken. When you vow “until death do us part,” then yes you cannot unless there are some dire extenuating circumstances.
Every paragraph above was filled with wisdom. I found this to be the wisest:
Yes. You have to find the way to at least be compatible, and if you just let your heart rest in divine acceptance find the way to love. God brought you together, find out why and find out why God loves your spouse as much as He loves you, and hopefully in all that your heart will find the true narrative of why you should love your spouse.
Great post! My husband of 35 years , now of sweet memory, was a tough-minded scientist who also loved poetry and , yes, he recited freely and often…with full voice. These lines from William Blake became a mantra in our marriage:
Through all eternity, I forgive you,
And you forgive me.
As our dear Redeemer said,
This the wine, this the bread.
My father, who spent the last 32 years of his life married to his only wife, my mom, told me one day that it was mostly about luck. Some spouses work very hard to change, to accept, to be a better person, but if your partner isn’t on the same team, or as my dad put it, “Pulling the cart in the same direction”, it’s a grinding chore that wears you down, drains the emotional “bank account”, and kills the marriage.
He told me he felt very lucky.
Melissa,
How is it that I have been married longer (total of 37 years) than your folks? To my high school sweeetheart no less, so add another 5 years so how what is this new math you are using. I think you are a young looking doll, ….. but not that young. ?
An old priest spoke at a marriage I attended a few years ago, that he spent years of schooling in psychology in order to counsel couples and that after years of study and big degrees, he still couldn’t say what makes marriages successful. But he had one piece of advice: “For heaven’s sake, speak decent to each other!” He explained that a common thread in couples he counseled was how they spoke to each other, which was combative and usually included name calling.
I think that has a lot to do with the success of a marriage. I watched two of my son’s long term relationships fail and also noticed both degenerated into disparaging remarks toward each other. It becomes a bad habit. His marriage of 4 years seems to be charting a different course. I don’t know if it is because he is older, or his wife has a different personality, but they seem to like each other, and speak to each other like they do. So far, so good.