Announcing My Candidacy to Be US Senator from Arizona

 

Thank you. Thank you and thank you, please be seated. Thank you. [Points at random person in crowd, feigning recognition] Yes, thank you. Please. You can sit down. [Fake laugh.] Seriously. Come on. Thank you. OK … enough. Sit down!

I thank Kid Rock for that very generous introduction and for all the support that you and your stripper escorts have given me. You know that America is greatly indebted to Mr. Rock for his years of courageous and visionary … rap/rock/country stuff. You brew beer too, right? Cool.

Anyhoo, with Senator Flake’s announcement that he will not seek re-election as US Senator from the great state of Arizona, many, many people have recommended that I throw my hat in the ring. So many people.

Senator Flake would probably call that “humbling” or something, but, come on, I’d be pretty awesome. I live in Arizona, I’m over 30, and I have freelanced for a couple of lobbyists, so I pass constitutional muster. The gig also pays $174K a year, which is a far site better than my Ricochet paycheck. Peter and Rob run a lean business; I’m just glad my kids like ramen.

And I am so pleased to be making this announcement at Cartel Coffee Lab in suburban Tempe, Arizona, and hoping my free plug will cover some of my debts here. [Looks at barista, points to empty demitasse.]

You know, the first time I spoke to a group this large was at my jury trial for that donkey incident at Arizona State. Hopefully this speech will go a little better so I can give DC a few tips on criminal justice reform.

I often return to one thing I said way back then, after all the screaming and crying: that justice is the art of making possible what appears to be impossible. I still believe that today. We can do the impossible if we have the vision, the passion, and the will to see the possibilities beyond our grandparents’ dreams of the moral arc through forebearance and hope in the shining city on …  I don’t remember all of it, but it was inspiring.

The gist was that, yes, the donkey died horribly and the trampoline couldn’t be saved, but we should look instead to the challenges that lie ahead. We can strengthen our community. We can inspire our children. We can get the stains out.

Now, I know some people are asking why I’m doing this here and now, and that’s a fair question. In addition to the money I can make, there are many problems I intend to solve in Washington. There is the opening of a decent Mexican restaurant in the Beltway. There is the matter of lousy coffee at Starbucks, which I will solve with my Comprehensive Augmentation For Espresso bill to set new CAFE standards for the industry. And my replacement of the national anthem with “Ace of Spades” by Motörhead. (You can’t kneel when you’re headbanging, NFL.)

That’s a lot to accomplish over five six-year terms, but I figure by 2048 you’ll have forgotten these promises. And by then I will have inexplicably become a multi-millionaire; such is my dedication as a public servant.

For those reading this announcement on Ricochet, have no fear — I will continue to serve as Editor-in-Chief of this extraordinary website. (Please join.) Not only will this let me double-dip salaries, I figure I’ll have plenty of time to work when the Senate is in session Tuesday through Thursday, except for spring break, summer vacation, fall break, and all months with holidays. The Senate is mostly boring meetings anyway, and if I’m not handling stuff here, I’d just be playing Angry Birds. I’ve already three-starred all the levels.

In conclusion, give me money. I need like $25 million and I don’t want to ask twice. There are apparently rules about graft, but if you slip me a envelope full of cash and there happens to be some proposed legislation in there…

God bless Arizona, God bless America, and please visit www dot cartelcoffeelab dot com. [Looks at barista, points to still empty demitasse.]

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  1. A-Squared Coolidge
    A-Squared
    @ASquared

    Seriously, what are the odds of a Republican keeping the seat?

    • #1
  2. Guruforhire Member
    Guruforhire
    @Guruforhire

    So your kids eat ramen while you are drinking boutique coffee?

    That is exactly the kind of malinvestment that america looks for in a senator.  You will fit right in.

    • #2
  3. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill
    @EJHill

    There’s a Christopher Steele on line one. Are you in?

    • #3
  4. James Gawron Thatcher
    James Gawron
    @JamesGawron

    Jon Gabriel, Ed.: Anyhoo, with Senator Flake’s announcement that he will not seek re-election as US Senator from the great state of Arizona, many, many people have recommended that I throw my hat in the ring. So many people.

    Jon,

    I didn’t know you owned a hat. What is it, a bowler, a top hat, pork pie, or maybe a straw hat. Anyway, Jon I know you’ll try your best.

    Regards,

    Jim

    • #4
  5. JcTPatriot Member
    JcTPatriot
    @JcTPatriot

    • #5
  6. rico Member
    rico
    @rico

    Jon Gabriel, Ed.: The gig also pays $174K a year, which is a far site better than my Ricochet paycheck. Peter and Rob run a lean business…

    You’d think they could at least shell out for another “g” and another “h”…

    • #6
  7. Jon Gabriel, Ed. Admin
    Jon Gabriel, Ed.
    @jon

    JcTPatriot (View Comment):

    #MAzGA

    Make Arizona Great Again!!!

    • #7
  8. EdPolaski Coolidge
    EdPolaski
    @EdPolaski

    A-Squared (View Comment):
    Seriously, what are the odds of a Republican keeping the seat?

    100% roughly

    • #8
  9. Henry Racette Contributor
    Henry Racette
    @HenryRacette

    I don’t know, Jon. I’m a Republican. How will I know you’re maverick enough to represent the great state of Arizona?

    Go on. Vex me.

    • #9
  10. Sam Thatcher
    Sam
    @Sam

    My goodness what a sanctimonious speech Flake gave.  I assume it was to an empty chamber. I would vote for you Jon if I lived in Arizona.

    • #10
  11. Kevin Creighton Contributor
    Kevin Creighton
    @KevinCreighton

    I have the a copy of the photo with you and Sofia Vergera.

    I want a plum, cushy Beltway job that pays in the high six figures and requires me to show up only once a year, or that photo goes to the press.

    • #11
  12. Jon Gabriel, Ed. Admin
    Jon Gabriel, Ed.
    @jon

    Kevin Creighton (View Comment):
    I have the a copy of the photo with you and Sofia Vergera.

    I want a plum, cushy Beltway job that pays in the high six figures and requires me to show up only once a year, or that photo goes to the press.

    That photo is good for a 5 percent boost in my Hispanic vote!

    • #12
  13. Heather Champion Member
    Heather Champion
    @HeatherChampion
    1. Jon Gabriel, Ed.:I’d just be playing Angry Birds. I’ve already five-starred all the levels.

      First campaign lie. I know Angry Birds levels, Angry Bird Levels are my conquests. You sir, have not gotten five stars in every level. “Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.”

    • #13
  14. Weeping Member
    Weeping
    @Weeping

    Sam (View Comment):
    My goodness what a sanctimonious speech Flake gave. I assume it was to an empty chamber. I would vote for you Jon if I lived in Arizona.

    Why let that stop you? I don’t plan to let it stop me. I can probably convince Mr. Weeping to vote for him too.

    • #14
  15. Jon Gabriel, Ed. Admin
    Jon Gabriel, Ed.
    @jon

    Heather Champion (View Comment):

    1. Jon Gabriel, Ed.:I’d just be playing Angry Birds. I’ve already five-starred all the levels.

      First campaign lie. I know Angry Birds levels, Angry Bird Levels are my conquests. You sir, have not gotten five stars in every level. “Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.”

    Oh, good point. Better fix that, huh?

    • #15
  16. JcTPatriot Member
    JcTPatriot
    @JcTPatriot

    Weeping (View Comment):

    Sam (View Comment):
    My goodness what a sanctimonious speech Flake gave. I assume it was to an empty chamber. I would vote for you Jon if I lived in Arizona.

    Why let that stop you? I don’t plan to let it stop me. I can probably convince Mr. Weeping to vote for him too.

    Yeah, my folks spend at least a month in Apache Junction in their motor coach every year. That qualifies for voting under Democrat rules, right? I’ll tell them to stop at the nearest polling place and write-in Jon’s name, the next time they’re there.

    • #16
  17. A-Squared Coolidge
    A-Squared
    @ASquared

    EdPolaski (View Comment):

    A-Squared (View Comment):
    Seriously, what are the odds of a Republican keeping the seat?

    100% roughly

    From 538

    https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/how-does-jeff-flakes-retirement-change-the-arizona-senate-race/

    So how does Flake’s exit change Arizona’s 2018 Senate election?

    Big picture: It doesn’t. Arizona is likely to remain the Democrats’ best opportunity to pick up a Republican-held seat. But Flake’s retirement could make that pickup more or less likely — we just don’t know which yet.

    there’s a good chance that Flake would have lost to Ward in the Republican primary had he remained in the race; polls showed her with a healthy and growing lead.

    • #17
  18. JcTPatriot Member
    JcTPatriot
    @JcTPatriot

    A-Squared (View Comment):
    there’s a good chance that Flake would have lost to Ward in the Republican primary had he remained in the race; polls showed her with a healthy and growing lead.

    FTFY

    • #18
  19. A-Squared Coolidge
    A-Squared
    @ASquared

    JcTPatriot (View Comment):

    A-Squared (View Comment):
    there’s a good chance that Flake would have lost to Ward in the Republican primary had he remained in the race; polls showed her with a healthy and growing lead.

    FTFY

    You act like Republican primary voters vote conservative.

    • #19
  20. JcTPatriot Member
    JcTPatriot
    @JcTPatriot

    A-Squared (View Comment):

    JcTPatriot (View Comment):

    A-Squared (View Comment):
    there’s a good chance that Flake would have lost to Ward in the Republican primary had he remained in the race; polls showed her with a healthy and growing lead.

    FTFY

    You act like Republican primary voters vote conservative.

    Every single one who I hang out with does. Every one of them. Who are you hanging out with these days?

    • #20
  21. A-Squared Coolidge
    A-Squared
    @ASquared

    JcTPatriot (View Comment):

    A-Squared (View Comment):

    You act like Republican primary voters vote conservative.

    Every single one who I hang out with does. Every one of them. Who are you hanging out with these days?

    Then how did Flake win the nomination in the first place?

    Trump was somewhere between the 12th and 16th most conservative candidate in the Republican primary and he won that primary.

    • #21
  22. JcTPatriot Member
    JcTPatriot
    @JcTPatriot

    A-Squared (View Comment):

    JcTPatriot (View Comment):

    A-Squared (View Comment):

    You act like Republican primary voters vote conservative.

    Every single one who I hang out with does. Every one of them. Who are you hanging out with these days?

    Then how did Flake win the nomination in the first place?

    Trump was somewhere between the 12th and 16th most conservative candidate in the Republican primary and he won that primary.

    I don’t know anything about Arizona. I’m a Texan.

    • #22
  23. Seawriter Contributor
    Seawriter
    @Seawriter

    A-Squared (View Comment):
    Then how did Flake win the nomination in the first place?

    Flake started out very conservative while a Representative. Used that reputation to win a Senate seat. Once in the Senate he “grew” (in other words, lurched left.)

    Seawriter

    • #23
  24. Western Chauvinist Member
    Western Chauvinist
    @WesternChauvinist

    Tease.

    • #24
  25. Gary Robbins Reagan
    Gary Robbins
    @GaryRobbins

    EdPolaski (View Comment):

    A-Squared (View Comment):
    Seriously, what are the odds of a Republican keeping the seat?

    100% roughly

    If we Republicans nominate a Kelli Ward or someone who voted for a Trump in the primary, then the Democrat will win.  If we nominate a non-Trump Conservative, then the Republican will win.  While the majority of Republicans in Arizona support Trump, the NeverTrumpers minority like me hate Trump and what he has done to our party.

    • #25
  26. Doug Watt Moderator
    Doug Watt
    @DougWatt

    Jon your chances for success might be pretty good. I believe Anne Kirkpatrick has said she was going to go after Martha McSally’s House seat. I doubt she has much of chance, an Elizabeth Warren wannabe running against an A-10 combat pilot is a tough sell, even in Pima County. The A-10 is the State Bird of Arizona.

    You might have a problem if Sheriff Joe runs against you. Your might need to keep your birth certificate handy in case Sheriff Joe decides to raid the Cartel Coffee Lab. Sheriff Joe has a thing about Mesa, and its’ residents.

     

    • #26
  27. ChrisShearer Coolidge
    ChrisShearer
    @ChrisShearer

    Jon I would support you over Kelli Ward.

     

    But then again I’d support Barry Goldwater (hell, even Ev Mecham) over Kelli Ward.

    • #27
  28. Brian Watt Member
    Brian Watt
    @BrianWatt

    I visited the Washington, D.C. in 1989 and there were no decent Mexican restaurants at that time. So, in 28 years, a decent Mexican restaurant is still nowhere to found inside the Beltway? Outrageous! This is a national crisis! You’d have my vote, Jon to remedy this calamitous situation…if I lived in Arizona. I wish I could help you…I really do…no, really.

    • #28
  29. Al French Moderator
    Al French
    @AlFrench

    If the donkey died you were doing it wrong.

    • #29
  30. Mendel Member
    Mendel
    @Mendel

    JcTPatriot (View Comment):

    You act like Republican primary voters vote conservative.

    Every single one who I hang out with does.

    Then why is John McCain still in office despite several primary challenges from the right?

    • #30

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