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Fistfight Over Boho Exurb Dairy Queen
Fox View, IL – A direct-democracy petition to rename the local Dairy Queen caused a fistfight at a local town planning meeting. In Fox View, a freshly-gentrified boho exurb along I-55’s tech corridor, a coalition of intersectional feminists and vegans recently banded together to petition for a name-change to the local Dairy Queen into something more gender-neutral, like “Milky Majesty” or “Dairy Despot.”
“’Queen’ is too gendered, and perpetuates the kyriarchy,” Lori Kribbutz, an intersectionality expert explained. “It perpetuates the idea that women, even very powerful women, such as queens, are merely cutesified objects to be rendered bland and palatable for mass consumption.” Minky Etherson, president of the local chapter of VAMP (Vegans Against Milk Production) added, “It’s also unfair to insinuate that women are the power behind the exploitation of dairy animals, when we all know men historically have been behind dairy-animal exploitation.”
Petitioners were expecting that resistance to their petition, if any, would come from Fox View’s remaining blue-collar curmudgeons, left over from the days before the town was gentrified. They were quite surprised to find that those fighting their petition the hardest were some of their erstwhile allies: members of Fox View’s trans, queer, and drag communities.
“’Queen’ is a word of empowerment for our community,” Misty Glen, Fox View’s most accomplished female impersonator explained. “Moreover, Dairy Queen is wholesome and family-friendly, and we resent the implication that ‘Queen’ is an unacceptable moniker for a family-friendly establishment. Our community has an interest in linking ‘Queen’ to the wholesome and mainstream in Americans’ mental geography, and Dairy Queen, with its sweet wholesome treats, does the job very nicely. We don’t want it to change.”
Arguments over the petition at the town planning meeting remained heated but nonviolent until Kribbutz made an off-color remark about Misty’s personal appearance and motives, whereupon Misty whapped Kribbutz with a glam studded handbag. Then all hell broke loose, witnesses report, resulting in multiple punches thrown.
Now Kribbutz has apologized. “Sometimes the kyriarchy gets the better of even someone like me, and I’m deeply ashamed of that,” Kribbutz explained. Misty has not yet been reached for comment.
Meanwhile, two towns over in Naperville, another Dairy Queen also has been the subject of recent news, though in a more subdued fashion. For several years now, the Naperville Dairy Queen’s owner, a former waitress now diagnosed with terminal cancer, has been promoting youth suicide prevention in her store, the Chicago Tribune reports. The owner’s neighbors observed, though, that as far as they know, her efforts have never sparked a fistfight or even a handbag whap.
Published in Humor
I personally have a very different idea of Queens.
“You guys go save Britain and I’ll start the foundation for religious liberty.”
This is what a feminist looks like!
She drove a truck in a war.
Life mimics satire to closely for me to tell.
Is this real?
I think this is the first LGDQ piece I’ve encountered….
(But then, I’m a pretty vanilla kind of guy.)
You do realize that by attempting parody, you are only giving the Left ideas, don’t you? They see parody as a challenge to be exceeded.
Only the Trib article she linked.
At the very least, they seek parity.
Groan.
You’re one to talk.
True. Generally ice cream for more puns.
MFR,
MFR,
First, we could use a little “Good News”.
I can see their point about “Dairy Queen”. Maybe it would be better to try “Dairy Bull Dyke”.
Only trying to help.
Regards,
Jim
Nice piece, Midge, but now I’m kind of hungry for a Mint Oreo Blizzard.
Like how the protesters got a cold reception, and feeling frozen out by the end they just spent their time waffling?
On a related note from the real Dairy Queen, when did they get rid of the Mr. Misty name for their slushies? Maybe sometime around 2000, I visited a DQ after a long hiatus and discovered it was called Misty. Then about ten years ago, it was called Arctic Rush. Why change a good name?
Jim, far be it from me to ask such a delicate question, but I suspect you may have been traumatized by trying to get milk from a bull. There are support groups for that sort of horrid experience.
Apparently, the Misty is back.
Skip,
You mean milk comes from cows!! I always thought it was a long chain polymer like everything else and was made synthetically. Skip you’re sure about this? Cows are those large 4 legged things I’ve seen hanging out around barns right.
That’s really weird.
Regards,
Jim
Cows are steak larvae.
Good to hear, although it’s just the Misty. Baby steps. I’ll still order it as a Mr. Misty.
Fortunately some enterprising observer was able to video the fight on their i-phone:
Fox View gentrifying? I gotta see that.
Fox View “along the I-55 tech corridor?” Gary, Indiana is as close to I-55 as Fox View is.
Now if Gary were to gentrify …
I still remember an old Royko column, where he said that there were only two cities in Indiana, Indianapolis and Gary, which gave you “the choice of dying of boredom or multiple gunshot wounds.”
As far as I know, there isn’t a real town called Fox View in IL (though there is an apartment project named that). I was aiming for a plausible name of a nonexistent exurb somewhere between I-55 and the Fox River. You know, not actually within eyeshot of the river, just as not everything named “Lakeview” has a view of the lake in question, and not everything with “glen” in the name is near a real glen.
Well, you ought to come to central (and definitively landlocked) Ohio. We have a slew of developments named after aquatic features that are nowhere near any naturally occurring bodies of water. Near my parents there is one called “Harbor Pointe”, for instance, despite the fact that the nearest “lake” is a dammed river and has no actual harbors. The sign for this place even has a lighthouse on it, despite the river, in its natural state, being just deep enough to float a few canoes.
Never underestimate the pretensions of developers.
Carpentersville. It’s north of Elgin. The area is known informally as Fox View; I think there’s a school by that name.
Cary and Fox River Grove are up that way and have yupped up some, but the economy in Illinois hasn’t been anything to get too excited about for a while.