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Fistfight Over Boho Exurb Dairy Queen
Fox View, IL – A direct-democracy petition to rename the local Dairy Queen caused a fistfight at a local town planning meeting. In Fox View, a freshly-gentrified boho exurb along I-55’s tech corridor, a coalition of intersectional feminists and vegans recently banded together to petition for a name-change to the local Dairy Queen into something more gender-neutral, like “Milky Majesty” or “Dairy Despot.”
“’Queen’ is too gendered, and perpetuates the kyriarchy,” Lori Kribbutz, an intersectionality expert explained. “It perpetuates the idea that women, even very powerful women, such as queens, are merely cutesified objects to be rendered bland and palatable for mass consumption.” Minky Etherson, president of the local chapter of VAMP (Vegans Against Milk Production) added, “It’s also unfair to insinuate that women are the power behind the exploitation of dairy animals, when we all know men historically have been behind dairy-animal exploitation.”
Petitioners were expecting that resistance to their petition, if any, would come from Fox View’s remaining blue-collar curmudgeons, left over from the days before the town was gentrified. They were quite surprised to find that those fighting their petition the hardest were some of their erstwhile allies: members of Fox View’s trans, queer, and drag communities.
“’Queen’ is a word of empowerment for our community,” Misty Glen, Fox View’s most accomplished female impersonator explained. “Moreover, Dairy Queen is wholesome and family-friendly, and we resent the implication that ‘Queen’ is an unacceptable moniker for a family-friendly establishment. Our community has an interest in linking ‘Queen’ to the wholesome and mainstream in Americans’ mental geography, and Dairy Queen, with its sweet wholesome treats, does the job very nicely. We don’t want it to change.”
Arguments over the petition at the town planning meeting remained heated but nonviolent until Kribbutz made an off-color remark about Misty’s personal appearance and motives, whereupon Misty whapped Kribbutz with a glam studded handbag. Then all hell broke loose, witnesses report, resulting in multiple punches thrown.
Now Kribbutz has apologized. “Sometimes the kyriarchy gets the better of even someone like me, and I’m deeply ashamed of that,” Kribbutz explained. Misty has not yet been reached for comment.
Meanwhile, two towns over in Naperville, another Dairy Queen also has been the subject of recent news, though in a more subdued fashion. For several years now, the Naperville Dairy Queen’s owner, a former waitress now diagnosed with terminal cancer, has been promoting youth suicide prevention in her store, the Chicago Tribune reports. The owner’s neighbors observed, though, that as far as they know, her efforts have never sparked a fistfight or even a handbag whap.
Curse you, Google, for not returning informal names of neighborhoods as a top hit!
I used to work up near there. I remember seeing the school name, and maybe the other. It might not really be known as that, but there are the two signs
Accuracy. It’s more of a slush than a mist.
Of course, it’s that evil kyriachy. I mean it can’t be his fault…her…it’s? Whatever.
From what I’ve seen, @garymcvey is already gentrified. At least, he looked that way when I saw him.
Not that Gary. The worst Gary.
The one the Music Man lied about.
What could the Music Man possibly have said about Gary that we didn’t already suspect? Oh, that Gary.
Actually, you only hear Winthrop repeat the lies.
Sigh… I have suppliers in both Elgin and Carpentersville.
Midge, this can’t be real.
If it is, the left has gone even more over the deep end than I ever could have imagined.
The Trib story cited in the final paragraph is real enough, but the rest is gentle satire, inspired by some members’ fondness for Dairy Queen and the fact that “Dairy Queen” is a gendered name.
For some of us, it’s the hometown chain, donchano?
Opening Day of the first Dairy Queen, Joliet, Illinois 1940.
Somehow the lyrics seem especially apropos:
Or this:
Yeah, my daughter does that.
I’m sorta disappointed this didn’t really happen.
I’ll admit I have no idea what the word “kyriarchy” means and I’m kinda afraid to look it up. Every exposure to the left’s identity politics and academic theories costs me valuable IQ points.
Kudos on writing satire close enough to reality that I had to check for the Humor tag. I’m eagerly waiting to hear the results of the town hall meeting regarding the Burger King that opened across the street from DQ.
I’m immune to losing IQ points. I looked it up for you, but will only reveal that it was coined in 1992. That’s enough to tell you that it’s as bad as you think.