Promoted from the Ricochet Member Feed by Editors Created with Sketch. “…Then He Pulled a Harvey on Me.”

 

Harvey Weinstein’s recently “exposed” decades of lurid and disgusting sexual assaults on young women underscores the need to update the lexicon of unwanted sex encounters.

No industry is immune from sexual harassment scandals these days. Sexual attacks take place in the worlds of politics, entertainment, and news media. They are perpetrated by conservatives and liberals alike.

To aid future innocent victims in detailing what the offender did to him or her in exact terms, the language of sex attacks must be modernized and expanded. State criminal codes must be amended and media reports expanded to incorporate the following terms:

1.Weinered: The receipt of unwanted texts and photos displaying the sender’s abs or his bulging tighty-whities, as in “he weinered me using SnapChat.”

2. A Cosby: Non-consensual sexual intercourse committed by a considerate offender who has the common decency to drug his victim before the assault so she or he won’t recall the disgusting event, as in “after he Cosbied me I didn’t remember a thing.”

3. Spitzering: Not as gruesome as it sounds, spitzering is a married man paying prostitutes while being sanctimoniously holier-than-thou in public, as in “after ten years of marriage and three kids e, I never thought he would spitzer around on me with hookers.”

4. Altar-boyed: An older man taking sexual advantage of a minor in a mentor/student relationship, as in, “at 17, I thought I was too old to be altar-boyed, but I was wrong.”

5. A Lewinsky: A term coined to describe oral sex performed in an office setting, as in, “we didn’t have much time so she just Lewinskied me.”

6. Harveys: A broad category of sexual assaults including the following sub-categories: a.Wet Harvey: a grossly unattractive offender forcing an ingénue to watch him shower his hairy, bloated, fish-belly-white naked body; b. harvey wallbanger: performance art where the offender pleasures himself in front of the victim; c. harvey’s finish in the forest: the offense described in (b) utilizing a potted plant to receive the offender’s work product; d. harvey-handed: incessant groping by the offender of whatever female body parts are accessible.

The foregoing is by no means an exhaustive list. And for angry liberals who sense an unfair singling out of lefty pervs, there are plenty of conservative offenders as well, but the right wing harrassers just don’t have the panache or catchy names that lend themselves easily to the new vernacular. “He rogered me,” sounds all right, but somehow accusing someone of a “Petraeus” or an “O’Reilly” lacks zip. Same with saying “we were wrestling and then he Hasterted me and took me to Denny’s for a milkshake after,” or “I was happily married until he Newted on me,” or “he Trumped me right below the belt.”

State criminal codes will need to differentiate between grades of the newly defined sex offenses. For example, a simple Harvey or a simple Weiner might be a misdemeanor, while an aggravated Harvey Wallbanger or a grand Weiner would be a felony warranting a lengthy prison term.

It’s hard to believe that Weinstein’s gross behavior arose from the bosom of such a sensitive artist whose Miralax Studios produced so many classic love stories like Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, and Kill Bill 1 & 2, not to mention the sweet coming-of-age flick From Dusk to Dawn, and the British schoolboy romance, Trainspotting.

On the bright side, his repulsive conduct may have a silver lining if it leads to a new, more-descriptive vocabulary in dealing with sexual assaults.

There are 20 comments.

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  1. Arahant Member

    Makes you want to go back to prosecuting crimes, doesn’t it?

    • #1
    • October 11, 2017, at 4:19 PM PDT
    • 7 likes
  2. Henry Racette Contributor

    This is wildly inappropriate.

    So I’m only going to “like” it once.

    • #2
    • October 11, 2017, at 4:26 PM PDT
    • 12 likes
  3. blank generation member Inactive

    Now you’ve done it. The Galliano famiglia will be after you for causing a drop in cocktail sales.

    • #3
    • October 11, 2017, at 4:30 PM PDT
    • 7 likes
  4. Patrick McClure Coolidge

    Brilliant

    • #4
    • October 11, 2017, at 4:36 PM PDT
    • 5 likes
  5. Paul A. Rahe Contributor

    You left out the category of being Clintoned, which surely requires legal and physical threats in the aftermath.

    • #5
    • October 11, 2017, at 4:42 PM PDT
    • 11 likes
  6. Henry Racette Contributor

    Paul A. Rahe (View Comment):
    You left out…

    Okay, Paul opened that door, so I’m going to walk through it.

    There should certainly be a Teddyed.

    That’s a particularly bad one, because, after whatever indignities are involved, you’re drowned in a car.

    • #6
    • October 11, 2017, at 4:50 PM PDT
    • 16 likes
  7. DudleyDoright49 Coolidge

    Henry Racette (View Comment):
    This is wildly inappropriate.

    So I’m only going to “like” it once.

    Wildly inappropriate is better! It is what puts the zip in Harvey’s zipper.

    • #7
    • October 11, 2017, at 5:03 PM PDT
    • 3 likes
  8. Kay of MT Member

    You can bow add the Afflack brothers.

    • #8
    • October 11, 2017, at 5:22 PM PDT
    • 4 likes
  9. DocJay Inactive

    Hillaried , when the wife of your abuser has your cat killed for deigning to complain.

    • #9
    • October 11, 2017, at 5:34 PM PDT
    • 14 likes
  10. Keith SF Member
    Keith SF Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Kay of MT (View Comment):
    You can now add the Affleck brothers.

    That one can be an all-purpose profanity. “Affleck you!!” (i.e., “I hope you get groped!”)

    • #10
    • October 11, 2017, at 5:37 PM PDT
    • 7 likes
  11. Kim K. Member
    Kim K. Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Miralax Studios. Haha, I missed that on the first read!

    • #11
    • October 12, 2017, at 7:35 AM PDT
    • 7 likes
  12. Melissa O'Sullivan Inactive

    I have shared this so many times and I’m getting all sorts of credit for your hilarity.

    Such a great piece.

    When your name is the punchline, you’re done for…

    • #12
    • October 12, 2017, at 7:58 AM PDT
    • 4 likes
  13. Jerry Giordano (Arizona Patrio… Member

    I don’t like the language creep showing up in the Weinstein situation. I am not following the story in any detail, as “lurid and disgusting” seem an accurate description.

    But “sexual assaults” seems completely inaccurate, unless I have missed something about the story.

    As I understand it, Weinstein stands accused of using his wealth, power, and influence to persuade women to have sex with him, or to engage in other grotesque pseudo-sexual behavior (such as watching him shower). If true, these are the acts of a boorish cad, but they are not “sexual assault,” which as I understand the term is synonymous with forcible rape.

    It is precisely this type of rhetoric that leads to the ludicrous and false claim that something like 20% of college girls are the victims of sexual assault.

    I admit to some schaudenfreude at the spectacle of a left-wing Hollywood bigshot targeted by a Puritanical inquisition from the feminist left.

    • #13
    • October 12, 2017, at 12:08 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  14. Arahant Member

    Arizona Patriot (View Comment):
    If true, these are the acts of a boorish cad, but they are not “sexual assault,” which as I understand the term is synonymous with forcible rape.

    There are also accusations of forcible rape.

    • #14
    • October 12, 2017, at 12:15 PM PDT
    • 4 likes
  15. Umbra Fractus Inactive
    Umbra Fractus Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Arizona Patriot (View Comment):
    As I understand it, Weinstein stands accused of using his wealth, power, and influence to persuade women to have sex with him, or to engage in other grotesque pseudo-sexual behavior (such as watching him shower). If true, these are the acts of a boorish cad, but they are not “sexual assault,” which as I understand the term is synonymous with forcible rape.

    My understanding is that “sexual assault” refers to sexual crimes which fall short of rape, where rape is defined exclusively as forcible penetration. As I understand it most jurisdictions consider coercion to meet the definition of force even in the absence of physical violence.

    • #15
    • October 12, 2017, at 1:20 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  16. Arahant Member

    Umbra Fractus (View Comment):

    Arizona Patriot (View Comment):
    As I understand it, Weinstein stands accused of using his wealth, power, and influence to persuade women to have sex with him, or to engage in other grotesque pseudo-sexual behavior (such as watching him shower). If true, these are the acts of a boorish cad, but they are not “sexual assault,” which as I understand the term is synonymous with forcible rape.

    My understanding is that “sexual assault” refers to sexual crimes which fall short of rape, where rape is defined exclusively as forcible penetration. As I understand it most jurisdictions consider coercion to meet the definition of force even in the absence of physical violence.

    There can be several different levels of crimes and different states call them different things.

    This seems to list six California sex crimes. I do not believe that Harvey Weinstein is accused of all six.

    • #16
    • October 12, 2017, at 1:31 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  17. Arahant Member

    In Michigan, by the way, there are several levels, but they all fall under the name of Criminal Sexual Conduct. So, I guess rather than being a rapist, the convict is a conductor?

    • #17
    • October 12, 2017, at 1:38 PM PDT
    • 2 likes
  18. Columbo Member

    • #18
    • October 13, 2017, at 11:24 AM PDT
    • 3 likes
  19. Kay of MT Member

    @columbo, that is not funny. It is gross! Take it to the pit!

    • #19
    • October 13, 2017, at 2:17 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  20. Matt Balzer, Imperialist Claw Member

    Arahant (View Comment):
    I do not believe that Harvey Weinstein is accused of all six.

    First thing that’s really surprised me about this whole fiasco.

    • #20
    • October 13, 2017, at 2:29 PM PDT
    • 2 likes

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