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And now a word from our sponsor. My name is Donald Trump, I’m proud to introduce my library of the best classics of Western Civilization. Enjoy these terrific, classic, wonderful books, bound in best Texas Longhorn leather, it’s really fantastic with gold leaf on the page edges, it’s really sharp. They’ll look great on your shelves, just perfect. Plus if you order today I’ll include these really great audio tape books as read to you by me. Now how many of you can say you’ve got the President of the United States reading these really classic, great, wonderful, and superb, really the best books that Western Civilization has brought to you. Everything from this Dickens fellow, to, ah, Shakespeare, Dante, some really great Greeks (trust me, these guys know their stuff and make pretty good masons too, got a guy doing a marble platform for the toilet in master suite in the White House), and even The Art of the Deal.
Just take a listen to some of these fine, just really fantastic excerpts. I mean, Obama cranked out a bunch of his lousy speeches to hawk on the Queen, which is really pathetic, when he coulda’ used that smooth icy voice of his to read out some of these just fantastic, and frankly better, stronger, and more elegant things. Definitely better things than you’ll get on Clinton New Network. Anyways, enjoy, and listen all the way through for a special offer for you early bird types.
MacBeth (William Shakespeare):
If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well
It were done quickly, because, believe me, I’d get it done so fast, so fast: if the assassination Could trammel up the consequence, and catch
With his surcease success, because I’ve been so successful, always a success, no question about that; that but this blow Might be the be-all and the end-all here, as I always say, do it right the first time, I’ve always been doing things the right way, as you are well aware
But here, upon this bank and shoal of time,
We’d jump the life to come, and it will be a great, luxurious, life to come, people will be flocking from all over to come to my great, wonderful heaven, I just signed a deal with the Catholics, and the Lutherans to come to Trump Heaven™, I won Wisconsin you know, lots of good Lutherans there and they all voted for me, they all voted for me.
The Bible – Revelation, St. John
And I saw a new heaven and a new earth. The old ones were just getting shabby. I mean, have you seen them lately? Depressed property values. So sad, so sad. Pathetic. I felt so sorry for the people there so I offered them this tremendous deal. Tremendous. Use some landfill to get rid of the sea and it’ll be great. A new Jerusalem. Holy moly, such a great city. So high class it comes down from heaven. Like Ivanka on her wedding day. So gorgeous. Anyhow, it’ll be a casino. We’ll call it The Tabernacle. God himself could play dice in there – but regular Joes, too. Something for everyone. People will be so happy. People are cryin’ now but they’ll be happy, so happy when the former things are passed away. Eminent domain – what a great deal for America!
The Raven – Edgar Allan Poe
Once upon a midnight dreary – and we’ve had some dreary ones lately, haven’t we folks? not any more – while I pondered, weak and weary – you know I don’t sleep much, and I’m still full of energy? I tell people and they don’t believe me, they’ve never seen someone with so much energy – over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore – You know, some folks in this country felt forgotten, too. But we remember them, don’t we? – While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. – Wow, this guy has some great rhymes. Fantastic stuff. – “Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door – Only this and nothing more.”
A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times – We’ve had some bad times. Real bad times. The worst. But we’ll bring back the best of times, I promise – it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness – people say I’m a fool. I’m not. I fool them. I’m very smart. So smart. A wise guy. A real wise guy – it was the epoch of belief, – can you believe they still think those Russians hacked the DNC? I know who did it, it was Bannon – it was the epoch of incredu – do you know what I think? I think Megyn Kelly really made a mistake with that hairdo of hers, really sad – it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness – but hey, I like ‘em both. Light meat. Dark meat. As long as she’s not a fat pig. I’m so colorblind. Lemme tell you, if you’re a ten it doesn’t matter where you’re from. Where are my Tic-Tacs? – it was the spring of hope – I hope folks don’t take this the wrong way, but by next spring, we’ll have the Mexicans outta here. We’ll keep the good ones. I love good Mexicans. I know this one señorita, worked at my casino, so charming. But the rapists, they’ll be gone by next spring. It’ll be safe to wear short skirts again, ladies. You’ll love it, I promise. But maybe you wanna watch what you eat between now and then – it was the winter of despair, – despair is so low-energy. Aren’t you glad low-energy Hillary isn’t president? ‘Cuz that would be the worst of times right there. But I’m high-energy – a winner. America’s winning again. It’s the best of times again. #MAGA
Paul Clifford – Edward Bulwar Lytton
It was a dark and stormy night. Very dark. Very stormy. More rain than you’ve ever seen in your life, folks. Believe me.
Richard III – William Shakespeare
Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer – such a glorious summer, let me tell you. The most glorious summer – the best. People thought summer wouldn’t be great again. But we’re making summer great again. So great, even winter is summer. The globalists blame it on global warming, but that’s fake news. Fake. News. No, it’s the American people, who are so great – I love ‘em. So very great. The American people who deserve summer all the time – the most glorious summer – better than summer’s ever been. Summer is the best season. Summer is America, big-league.
Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
Darkness had set in – so dark folks, so dark indeed –; it was a low neighborhood; no help was near – and it won’t change until we close the borders, build that great, beautiful wall, and we renegotiate NAFTA, we’re getting killed on trade, absolutely killed, it’s so sad really; resistance was useless, because the Republicans don’t fight anymore, they really don’t, and we need to fight, we really do. I’ve always been a fighter and I’ll keep fighting to Make America Great Again™ . In another moment he was dragged into a labyrinth of dark, narrow courts – you know I really did a great job with Gorsuch and the courts, it was so vital, so very very vital-, and forced along them at a pace which rendered the few cries he dared to give utterance to, wholly unintelligible.
Lady Chatterley’s Lover – D.H. Lawrence
His face was pale and without expression, like that of a man submitting to fate. He’s getting laid, it’s a guy thing, we’re not like women, we don’t overthink these things.
“You lie there,” he said softly, and he shut the door, so that it was dark, quite dark. Good on him, keeping her quiet. Can’t stand it when they get hysterical, just ruins the mood.
With a queer obedience, she lay down on the blanket. Let me put in a plug here for Trump Sheets. We have the best sheets of the finest North Carolina cotton, so the next time you’re planning some hanky panky in the woods, grab a set of these. Just fantastic. Then she felt the soft, groping, helplessly desirous hand touching her body, feeling for her face. Hey, no jokes about me grabbing things! The hand stroked her face softly, softly, with infinite soothing and assurance, and at last there was the soft touch of a kiss on her cheek. Romance in a game keeper’s hut? I’d comp them a room in Vegas, that’s what all the smart people do now.
She lay quite still, in a sort of sleep, in a sort of dream. Then she quivered as she felt his hand groping softly – This is ART?!? I say this kinda stuff off camera as locker room talk and those fake news bozos rake me over the coals for months, and this is art?, yet with queer You can’t keep saying queer these days, it’s differently sexualized, or something – thwarted clumsiness, among her clothing. – Just yank it off, geez. – Yet the hand knew, too, how to unclothe her where it wanted – I’ll tell you what I want. I want a return to normal traditional values – He drew down the thin silk sheath, slowly, carefully, right down and over her feet. Then with a quiver of exquisite pleasure he touched the warm soft body, and touched her navel for a moment in a kiss. Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Sounds like that time in… eh… nevermind. But, okay, gotta skip a bit, just in case the kids are listening. But this is classic lit? Fake News, this is classic business dealing.
Then she wondered, just dimly wondered, why? Why was this necessary? Why had it lifted a great cloud from her and given her peace? Was it real? And this is why the man stays quiet. Women always overthink these things and you just don’t want to get drawn in. Too risky.
The Republic – Plato
Now, if we are to form a real judgment of the life of the just and unjust, we must isolate them – or just send the bad guys back to Mexico. I’ve got DHS looking into this – there is no other way; and how is the isolation to be effected? – Easy lock up the unjust guy, throw away the key. And college profs are teaching this? And I thought only women overthought these kinds of things- I answer: Let the unjust man be entirely unjust, and the just man entirely just – Is this guy a lawyer? I dunno, maybe he works for CNN – nothing is to be taken away from either of them, and both are to be perfectly furnished for the work of their respective lives – Not at taxpayer expense, they won’t! Make ‘em work for it! – First, let the unjust be like other distinguished masters of craft – Definitely CNN, only those fake news types would be so busy to let the unjust, like Hillary, get away with it. Lock her up! – like the skilful pilot- wait, what? These old Greeks had airplanes? – or physician – you know, I’ve never met a Greek doctor. Lots of Jews, lots of Indians, but I don’t think the Greeks go in for medicine right now. And let me tell you, their economy is a real basket case – Man but this is low energy stuff here. So sad. – Therefore I say that in the perfectly unjust man we must assume the most perfect injustice; blah blah, just, unjust, get to the point already! Was someone paying this guy by the word? Folks, go read something else.
Sonnet 18 – William Shakespeare
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You’re a lot more hot, but you sure got a temper:
Rough winds of press harassment are in play,
If I’d issued your lease I’d make you all vacate.
Sometime too hot the fake news spotlight shines,
But oh man, has your reputation dimmed,
And all your stations’ ratings have declined,
‘Cuz you refuse to let me speak, untrimmed:
Friends, our eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor shall I lose the voting bloc I own’st
For every time reporters throw me shade,
Your loyalty to me? It only grow’st,
-So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
-So long lives ME, ME, ME, ME, ME ME ME!!!!
To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
Atticus was feeble: he was nearly fifty. 50 and feeble? Believe me, 50 is practically 40! I had many beautiful women. Many beautiful women in my 50s. Just throwing themselves at me. When Jem and I asked him why he was so old, he said he got started late, which we felt reflected upon his abilities and manliness. Maybe this Atticus will have some better luck with the ladies later in the book. He was much older than the parents of our school contemporaries, and there was nothing Jem or I could say about him when our classmates said, ‘My father – ’ I’m already getting bored. They talk very, very much about how old this Atticus is. He’s a young man. A very young man. Practically a baby.
He did not do the things our schoolmates’ fathers did; he never went hunting, he did not play poker or fish or drink or smoke. He sat in the living-room and read. Boring. Very, very boring. You’re not going to get any beautiful women being boring. Maybe he should become very good at doing something, like real estate. Beautiful women love real estate.
When he gave us our air-rifles Atticus wouldn’t teach us to shoot. This Atticus is not very manly. If he saw a bear, he’d probably cry instead of ride it. Me? I’d ride the bear and we would be very, very good friends. I could send him into the Clinton News Network building and just walk away. Uncle Jack instructed us in the rudiments thereof; he said Atticus wasn’t interested in guns, Atticus said to Jem one day, ‘I’d rather you shot at tin cans in the back yard, but I know you’ll go after birds. Shoot all the bluejays you want, if you can hit ‘em, but remember it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.’ I’ll tell you what, who cares about the birds? This book is getting more boring by the second. Many, many people told me this was a good book but it’s not a very good book. This girl though, she sounds like a very tough person. A very tough person. Like my Ivanka.
If you act now, I’ll toss in my book of note I made while listening to these just brilliant words being read aloud to me, by me, with my own handwriting reproduced in gold ink. You’ll love it, you’ll enjoy it, you’ll savor it, and you’ll have all you need to know to tell those Antifa jerks where to stuff it. If I sell enough of these I’ll even see if I can get the CIA to bury David Dook and those bedsheet clowns under a casino parking lot. Man but how many times do I have to tell a guy to take a hike?
Special Thanks to the following members:
@ltpwfdcm – Macbeth, Oliver Twist
@midge – Revelation, A Tale Of Two Cities, Richard III
@wintermute – The Raven
@umbrafractus – Paul Clifford
@kelsurprise – Sonnet 18
@juliesnapp – To Kill A Mockingbird