Hey, Princeton: I’m Your Huckleberry

 

Princeton has created a position called the “Men’s Engagement Manager.”

The purpose of the position is to “combat aggressive masculinity and ‘challenge gender stereotypes’ on campus.” Of course, the Men’s Engagement Manager (MEM, from here out) must be certified. I figure I got it locked. You can’t get more “certified” than me. Well, as an Army guy (I never did an inter-service transfer to try out for the SEALs because I have no use for blow-dryers, never use eye liner, and have no aspirations to be either an actor or a member of SAG). I will hook you up, and channel the latent potential of the lads attending your university away from rape, sexual harassment, misogyny, and violence and toward being steadfast, creative, reliable members of society that would deploy neither insult nor violence without the moral, righteous provocation that demanded it. I know, Princeton, that I don’t possess the Ivy League bona fides you are looking for — heck, I never even took a women’s studies course — but I hope my stamp of approval from the United States Military Academy at West Point, my follow-on career, and the fact that I’ve led, trained, coached and mentored young men in the hundreds if not the thousands will let me waiver the Ivy League nepotism requirement.

Let me demonstrate my qualifications by using the goals of your program, as articulated by the Daily Mail, and addressing them through the Mongo-created syllabus.

First, you want your MEM to be an “interpersonal violence clinician.” Princeton brethren, that is so me. I can mold your young gentlemen (can I use that word, in this day and age?) to a state of personal development that they will never lash out violently due to insecurity, jealousy, rage, self-interest or fear. They will only deploy violence when the situation warrants it.

You want to tell men that there is nothing shameful about showing vulnerability, and that males should not be encouraged to “act tougher.” Too right, and good for you. Let me tell you, men are always vulnerable; if you’re not wearing plates, 9mm and 5.56 will take you out in a heartbeat. If you are wearing plates, you got a 50/50 shot (heh) at surviving a 7.62 strike, and even if you survive, it’ll hurt like…well, I don’t want to blister your ears with profanity, so let’s just say it’ll really, really hurt.

I concur that we should not teach young men to “act tougher.” That leads to a young man that is fixated on appearance, mistakes enthusiasm for capability, and will abjure the moral path for the ability to preen.

Instead, I propose we teach your young men to actually be tougher. The difference is sublime, but profound.

I will ensure not only that the young potential paladins you entrust to my care know how to throw a punch, but be able to take a punch. I’ve seen several demonstrations of young males, well-bearded and wearing skinny jeans, flailing away at each other with a slappity-slap technique that is just embarrassing. It made my daughters roll their eyes. Pretty much because my daughters knew they could take the slap-fighting wusses in about 0.47 seconds. Now, I don’t know how Ivy League women (womyn?) like their men, but I know that my daughters are exemplars of women (no alternate spelling required) across the breadth and depth of this great country who do not want to be able to ball up their men in a matter of seconds and make them cry like — yes — little girls in the blink of an eye.

So, one lesson would be “how to throw a punch.” One doesn’t lean back and slap or push. One leans forward and, with shoulders forward of the hips, punches. Just like swinging a bat for a home run, the power of a punch comes up from Mother Gaia (see that? My class would be “intersectional”) and her ground, through the legs to the hips, and expresses itself from the shoulders. Arms and fists are almost ancillary to power generation.

More importantly, “how to take a punch” would be the follow up lesson. Young men need to learn that taking a punch is not pleasant, is dislocating, and will make them crumple like a wet paper bag if they are not inured to it. Don’t worry: I will ensure that they wear enough safety equipment to prevent concussions and traumatic brain injuries, but not so much that they write off taking a punch as an easy thing to do. They will learn, though, that there is a price to be paid for doing the right thing, and that they are capable of paying that cost for the right reasons.

Finally, I’d teach them that their one job is to protect and defend women. This is in line with the goal of teaching men “consistent with established best practices that encourage both men and women to create and foster a culture in which there is no place for interpersonal violence and where safe and healthy interpersonal relationships are the norm.”

So, in sum, I’d teach your young men to defend the innocent weak against the evil strong; that standing up for the right thing often involves pain and costs that are high, but that they have a duty to do so; that the fact that they are men comes with obligations to protect women (even womyn) against those that would do them harm.

I look forward to your response.

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  1. Nanda Panjandrum Member
    Nanda Panjandrum
    @

    Rah/HooWah and Like to infinity, Boss!  You may want to revisit @simontemplar’s earlier consideration of this conundrum.  The comments, as usual, are worth the price of admission…

    • #1
  2. Mike LaRoche Inactive
    Mike LaRoche
    @MikeLaRoche

    Academia is overrun with pajama boys and nasty women.

    • #2
  3. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    Mike LaRoche (View Comment):
    Academia is overrun with pajama boys and nasty women.

    And nasty boys and thumb-sucking pajama women (womyn?).

    • #3
  4. Mountie Coolidge
    Mountie
    @Mountie

    Boss Mongo:Well, as an Army guy (I never did an inter-service transfer to try out for the SEALs because I have no use for blow-dryers, never use eye liner, and have no aspirations to be either an actor or a member of SAG).

     

    I read that 2/10th of a second after I took a sip of coffee. Now I have to go clean my IPad screen.

    • #4
  5. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Boss Mongo: I can mold your young gentlemen (can I that word, in this day and age?) …

    Not until after the chivalry training you outline later on.

    • #5
  6. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    You, sir, are exactly what Princeton and the Ivy League needs.

    • #6
  7. Robert McReynolds Member
    Robert McReynolds
    @

    Careful Mongo, playing for blood might be just their game.

    • #7
  8. Muleskinner Member
    Muleskinner
    @Muleskinner

    Mike LaRoche (View Comment):
    Academia is overrun with pajama boys and nasty women.

    At A&M they used to say (with some reason, perhaps) that there, unlike at t. u., the men were men, the women were satisfied, and the sheep were nervous. Maybe still. But, I once saw a cadet at the campus health center, with his front teeth in a handkerchief, explaining to a nurse the difference between regular push-ups, Marine push-ups, and Ranger push-ups. And that he lost his teeth because he couldn’t do Ranger push-ups.

    But I’m sure Princeton could use a few men, whether they know it or not.

    • #8
  9. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    Robert McReynolds (View Comment):
    Careful Mongo, playing for blood might be just their game.

    Could well be.  But I’ll guaran-damn-tee I’m better at that particular endeavor.

    • #9
  10. Sandy Member
    Sandy
    @Sandy

    Great letter, Boss, and it deserves a wide reading, so I hope it makes it at least to the main feed

    There might be someone in Princeton’s pansy-land who would also like it, but he is probably in hiding.

    • #10
  11. Robert McReynolds Member
    Robert McReynolds
    @

    Boss Mongo (View Comment):

    Robert McReynolds (View Comment):
    Careful Mongo, playing for blood might be just their game.

    Could well be. But I’ll guaran-damn-tee I’m better at that particular endeavor.

    You’re no daisy.

    • #11
  12. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    Sandy (View Comment):
    Great letter, Boss, and it deserves a wide reading, so I hope it makes it at least to the main feed

    There might be someone in Primceton’s pansy-land who would also like it, but they are probably in hiding.

    Would probably inspire antifa to rise up and do violence against him.  As opposed to me.

    How come I never get the masked antifa fascists rising up against me?  I feel…cheated.

    • #12
  13. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    Robert McReynolds (View Comment):
    You’re no daisy.

    Well done, sir.

    • #13
  14. DocJay Inactive
    DocJay
    @DocJay

    Tough task sir.  I have chunks of fiber in my stool with more Y chromosome than most current  Ivy Boys.

    • #14
  15. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    DocJay (View Comment):
    Tough task sir. I have chunks of fiber in my stool with more Y chromosome than most current Ivy Boys.

    Thanks, Doc…on account of I really needed a visual of chunks of the fiber of your stool.  Could absolutely not have done without that.

    Still, I’m pickin’ up what you’re puttin’ down.  Idea-wise.  Not stool-wise.

    • #15
  16. Jimmy Carter Member
    Jimmy Carter
    @JimmyCarter

    Boss Mongo (View Comment):
    How come I never get the masked antifa fascists rising up against me?

    Because You graduated Boss Mongo’s “Men’s Engagement Management” Summa Cum Laude.

    • #16
  17. DocJay Inactive
    DocJay
    @DocJay

    Boss Mongo (View Comment):

    DocJay (View Comment):
    Tough task sir. I have chunks of fiber in my stool with more Y chromosome than most current Ivy Boys.

    Thanks, Doc…on account of I really needed a visual of chunks of the fiber of your stool. Could absolutely not have done without that.

    Still, I’m pickin’ up what you’re puttin’ down. Idea-wise. Not stool-wise.

    Got it BM. Like everything else from me  just strain for the nuggets of gold.

    • #17
  18. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Strain too much, and you could wind up with piles.

    • #18
  19. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    DocJay (View Comment):
    Got it BM. Like everything else from me just strain for the nuggets of gold.

    What! I don’t remember eatin’ any corn!

    • #19
  20. Boss Mongo Member
    Boss Mongo
    @BossMongo

    Arahant (View Comment):
    You, sir, are exactly what Princeton and the Ivy League needs.

    Too, I’m beginning to expect that I’m exactly what they despise.

    • #20
  21. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Boss Mongo (View Comment):

    Arahant (View Comment):
    You, sir, are exactly what Princeton and the Ivy League needs.

    Too, I’m beginning to expect that I’m exactly what they despise.

    No doubt about that, but that is both their loss and America’s.

    • #21
  22. Guruforhire Inactive
    Guruforhire
    @Guruforhire

    I think jake (and logan) paul need your special breed of help, before his neighbors have him killed and dumped into the river.

    • #22
  23. Scott Wilmot Member
    Scott Wilmot
    @ScottWilmot

    Wow, you can’t make this stuff up, can you Boss. Just incredible.

    According to the College Fix, you, as the new MEM, will expand the school’s MAVRIC program – you’ve got your work cut out for you partner – but you have outlined an excellent fix in your post.

    Good luck.

    Oh, and perhaps remind them of their school’s motto:

    Dei Sub Numine Viget

    (Under the Protection of God She Flourishes).

    That will be a new concept for most of them.

    • #23
  24. iWe Coolidge
    iWe
    @iWe

    I am going to check my white, highly educated, ridiculously capable, J-Crew-wearing Ivy Privilege now.

    As a proud alumnus, I just want to tell y’all how sorry I am. I used to do a lot of work for Princeton, and donate. Now when they call I tell them that until they outgrow being Snowflakes, this crotchety old Tiger is not giving a dime.

    • #24
  25. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Not my picture, but I concur with the sentiment.

    • #25
  26. Full Size Tabby Member
    Full Size Tabby
    @FullSizeTabby

    Oh, when I read only the first line that Princeton had created a Men’s Engagement Manager, I assumed it was a position to try to attract more men to enroll and address the gender imbalance in that so many fewer men than women are going to college these days.

    My bad. Why should I expect an Ivy League college to address the actual problem when they can double down on the effort to emasculate men and therefore make college even less attractive for men?

    • #26
  27. Dr. Bastiat Member
    Dr. Bastiat
    @drbastiat

    Boss – you seem well qualified.  Just send that application in.  I’d say you’ve got this job in the bag…

    • #27
  28. Full Size Tabby Member
    Full Size Tabby
    @FullSizeTabby

    Dr. Bastiat (View Comment):
    Boss – you seem well qualified. Just send that application in. I’d say you’ve got this job in the bag…

    It would be quite entertaining to be a “fly on the wall” (with both camera and microphone) as the hiring administrator is reading the submission by @bossmongo . :-)

    • #28
  29. Nanda Panjandrum Member
    Nanda Panjandrum
    @

    Full Size Tabby (View Comment):
    Men’s Engagement Manager

    Oh, I thought the holder of the position might facilitate same-sex monogamous relationships.  English, of the academic sort, can be so imprecise…

    • #29
  30. jzdro Member
    jzdro
    @jzdro

    Darling !

    • #30
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