Special Counsel II

 

I walked slowly through the tunnel under the US Capitol Building. My longtime friend, attorney, part-time oenophile, and newly appointed Special Counsel II, E. Hobart Calhoun, and I were on our way to E’s first public hearing since his appointment by AG Beauregard Sessions.

E. was appointed to look into the collusion, conspiracy, obstruction of justice, and felonious leaking by Special Counsel Robert “Ferris” Mueller, former FBI Director Jim Crony, and numerous Obama holdovers in the Justice Department and the Deep State, all designed to end the Trump Presidency.

The head of E’s security, Vino Diesel, though slightly intoxicated, cleared our way, moving hundreds of heavily-armed homeless VT Senator Larry David Sanders supporters and MA Senator Elizabeth “Dances With Wolf Blitzer” Warren consumers/supporters, who occupied the tunnels, waiting for the revolution.

Within moments Capital Police whisked us into the palatial Senate hearing room where E. called his first witness, Jim Crony.

“Would you state your full name for the record, Mr. Crony?” E. said.

“Objection,” Crony’s attorney, Special Counsel “Ferris” Mueller, said.

“I object, too, Mr. E.,” Mueller’s co-counsel and Rick Moranis look-alike, Deputy Attorney General Hot Rod Rosensteinberg, said in his strained, high-pitched voice.

“Hold on,” E. said. “Only one of you gets to talk. Mr. Ferris Mueller, will you identify the lawyers on your staff with you today?”

“Certainly, Mr. E,” Crony’s lawyer said and turned to the phalanx of Washington hired guns seated behind him at the witness table, then to the audience. “Please hold your applause until the end…

“From left to right: Attorney Hugh Rodham Rodham, specialist in pardon law; Attorney Eric Rodham “Fast and Furious” Hold’em, expert in stonewalling law; Congressman Alcee Rodham Hastings Pudding, expert in incarceration law; Ruth Rodham Baader-Meinhof Ginsburg, on leave from the US Supreme Court, an expert in anti-Trump law; two New Yorkers, former A.G. Eliot Rodham Spitzatyou and Senate Minority Leader, Chuck Rodham “Corn Rows” Schumer, both experts in irritating anyone who will listen to them.”

“And who are the others?” E. asked.

“Our communications team, on leave from their various day jobs,” Ferris Mueller said. “Rachel Rodham Maddog, Jim Rodham Accoster, Dan Rodham Blather, and head of official daily leaks, Jake Rodham Crapper.”

“Quite a formidable team,” E. said to Mueller. “And you’re certain these staffers will be impartial arbiters of the facts involving the Russian collusion story?”

“Not aware of this so-called Russian collusion issue, Mr. E.,” Mueller said. “Early on, we looked into a collision on the streets of Moscow involving a Russian banker and a renegade New York socialite named Jared Kruschevner, but we decided there was nothing to it.”

I leaned over and whispered to E. “Ask him what their focus is now.”

“We are now investigating POTUS’s obstructing justice by preventing us from investigating the Russian collision issue,” Ferris Mueller said in response to E.

“But you just said there was no collusion, …er, collision issue, and your client, Mr. Crony, has stated on three occasions to the President that he was not under investigation for it. Mr. Crony has also confirmed it publicly.”

“Exactly,” Ferris said. “That’s why this obstruction investigation is so important to millions of voters.”

“Are you looking into the Democrat candidate’s destruction of 33,000 emails and her smashing all of her phones and computers with a hammer, then dousing them with Clorox, as possible obstruction?”

“You’re kidding, right?” Mueller said and chuckled, elbowing Corny, who was cracking up, along with all the Rodham lawyers and Rodham publicists on Mueller’s staff seated behind him. “Everyone knows no reasonable prosecutor would indict Mrs. Rodham for such innocuous, routine Secretary of State political activities.”

I couldn’t take it any more.

I leapt over the Special Counsel II table and challenged Jim Crony. I threw the first punch, which centered his sternum, as high as I could reach. Crony started crying, complaining that he was “confused, uneasy, troubled, concerned, shocked, very disturbed, and stunned,” by my behavior, which gave him a “queasy feeling.”

Unable to control myself, I burst into one of my favorite Eagles’ tunes, warbling “I’ve got a peaceful, queasy feeling,” until head of security for Crony and Ferris Mueller, former Beverly Hills Congressman Henry “Turtle” Waxman, flared his huge nostrils at me.

Fearing suffocation from by Waxman’s prodigious Democrat boogers, I ran from the hearing room and out of the Capitol.

That night, E. and I sat in the bar in our hotel, Trump International. I was embarrassed by my raucous behavior in the hearing.

“Don’t give it another thought,” E. said. “After you left, New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand and Thomas “Red” Perez got into a knock-down, drag-out over which one could say the “f-word” the loudest during their testimony.”

“You’ve got to hand it to those two Democrats,” I commented to E. “They’ve got a lot of class.”

“Yeah,” E. said. “All of it low.”

Published in Humor
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Members have made 18 comments.

  1. Profile photo of MLH Member
    MLH

    “ferris mueller” anyone? anyone? L O L

    Okay. Back to read the post. . .

    • #1
    • June 17, 2017 at 3:05 pm
    • Like6 likes
  2. Profile photo of Mike LaRoche Thatcher

    Special Counsel II: Electric Boogaloo

    • #2
    • June 17, 2017 at 3:19 pm
    • Like5 likes
  3. Profile photo of Mike LaRoche Thatcher

    Mike LaRoche (View Comment):
    Special Counsel II: Electric Boogaloo

    Or “Boogerloo” considering Waxman’s involvement.

    • #3
    • June 17, 2017 at 3:20 pm
    • Like6 likes
  4. Profile photo of Doug Kimball Member

    I was wondering when you would regale us again, MH. So much good material. Thanks, though I’m surprised Waxman left any O2 in the room. Good thing you got out when you did.

    • #4
    • June 17, 2017 at 3:33 pm
    • Like5 likes
  5. Profile photo of Sash Member

    Kamela Harris definitely needed a role in your fantasy, but that would probably make you sexist… so let me just say, she is a piece of work. If that is who is going to carry the Democrats forward, I think they will continue to lose power. I found her very offensive.

    I haven’t read Kafka’s The Trial, in a long time, I remember it still, and can’t help but feel it was prophetic now. Which means we are moving ever closer to becoming “former persons”.

    • #5
    • June 17, 2017 at 3:58 pm
    • Like5 likes
  6. Profile photo of Hoyacon Member

    One can only hope Ferris takes the year off. I won’t tell the principal.

    • #6
    • June 17, 2017 at 4:36 pm
    • Like4 likes
  7. Profile photo of Nanda Panjandrum Thatcher

    History + Hilarity is a winning combo, @michaelhenry!

    • #7
    • June 17, 2017 at 4:38 pm
    • Like6 likes
  8. Profile photo of Mark Camp Member

    Hoo boy, these just get better and better. We are all replacing our Depends out here in the audience.

    • #8
    • June 17, 2017 at 5:38 pm
    • Like4 likes
  9. Profile photo of Judge Mental Member

    Been missing these @michaelhenry.

    • #9
    • June 17, 2017 at 7:12 pm
    • Like4 likes
  10. Profile photo of Boss Mongo Member

    Thank you. A farcical piece about a straight up farce. Good to be able to laugh about it instead of just grind my teeth.

    • #10
    • June 17, 2017 at 7:23 pm
    • Like8 likes
  11. Profile photo of Jonah's Pants Leak Inactive
    • Mike Flotsam Snapper
    • #11
    • June 17, 2017 at 7:36 pm
    • Like5 likes
  12. Profile photo of Arahant Member

    It’s good to see you back, Michael.

    • #12
    • June 17, 2017 at 8:05 pm
    • Like7 likes
  13. Profile photo of Percival Thatcher

    Good stuff, Michael.

    • #13
    • June 17, 2017 at 8:24 pm
    • Like4 likes
  14. Profile photo of JimGoneWild Member

    This has Russian collusion written all over it.

    • #14
    • June 17, 2017 at 10:14 pm
    • Like3 likes
  15. Profile photo of Larry3435 Member

    Jerry Seinfeld would be a perfect special counsel for the “investigation about nothing.”

    • #15
    • June 18, 2017 at 5:39 am
    • Like8 likes
  16. Profile photo of Sweezle Member

    There is so little to laugh at this past week. TY for for this!

    • #16
    • June 18, 2017 at 9:15 am
    • Like3 likes
  17. Profile photo of Columbo Member

    Michael Henry … you have been missed!

    • #17
    • June 18, 2017 at 10:02 am
    • Like5 likes
  18. Profile photo of civil westman Member

    I will read this as soon as I recover from slipping on our banana-peel republic and breaking my humerous. Maybe then I’ll be able to laugh without crying.

    • #18
    • June 18, 2017 at 11:11 am
    • Like9 likes