Contributor Post Created with Sketch. Recommended by Ricochet Members Created with Sketch. Haven’t Got a Gift for Dad Yet? Here’s What Not to Get:

 

The Man Hanger: This is a clothes-hanger… but for men. It’s “Bent by hand from industrial-grade rebar,” and costs $25 per hanger. For those emergencies where Dad finds his “manly attire too much for wimpy regular hangers.” Yes, some regular hangers are wimpy. Others are not and will take up less space in your closet than rebar. And they don’t cost $25 a pop. If Dad is planning to hang a side of beef in the closet, he might appreciate a rebar hanger for Father’s Day. But otherwise, all this gift tells Dad is that he failed to teach you the value of a buck.

$200 Smart Socks with Matching Anklet: Yes, smart socks are a thing. The most annoying thing you’ll ever own, given the tendency of socks to file for divorce in the laundry. Many women have trouble keeping their socks from divorcing, and not to gender stereotype or anything, but men are usually worse at this than women. In all likelihood, all a gift of “smart socks” does is waste a serious chunk of change on annoying the “lucky” father who receives them. Now you’ve gone beyond, “Dad didn’t teach me the value of a buck” to “Annoying Daddy is worth at least 200 bucks to me.”

Mandles: You might think “mandles” is short for man-handles, and thus an adorable nickname for the love-handles on your favorite father, but it’s not. No, it’s short for man-candles. That is, scented candles marketed especially to men. ManCave (“Finally, candles for men!”) Candles is one such brand. There may be others lurking out there. Although scented candles are a stereotypically feminine item (really, incredibly feminine), there’s nothing wrong with a guy liking them. There is something wrong with thinking guys’ masculinity is so fragile it will be shattered by owning a candle not specifically marketed toward manly men of the male persuasion.

Mantyhose: Ah… Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, bad Christmas medleys being sung by a choir, and… men dressed up in pantyhose? Yes, in the bleak midwinter, some construction workers wear pantyhose under their pants in order to stay warm. Or at least that’s what they’ve told me, and it makes sense: hose under your outer layers adds bulk-free, flexible warmth. And nobody has to know, unless the man tells. Because nobody has to know unless the man tells, there’s little point to mantyhose – pantyhose, but for men! Hose is already available in a wide variety of sizes and thicknesses. Nor does color or pattern really matter when hose is worn under pants. If Daddy is an eccentric who likes nothing better than sauntering about in public wearing hose not under his pants, but visible for the world to see, perhaps we should not judge. But neither should we encourage.

“Bearglove” Scented Anything: Old Spice is a fine, manly brand. Usually, it doesn’t smell too bad, and it’s affordable and unpretentious. Old Spice toiletries aren’t a lavish Father’s Day gift, but they’re a gift many dads might conceivably use – sensible, practical, affordable. And manly. Old Spice has a solid reputation for manliness, even though the first Old Spice products were meant for women, and some women still prefer the scents in Old Spice’s toiletries to the sickly-sweet, powdery, and fruity scents often used in women’s products. Go to a drugstore and you’ll find, for example, women’s deodorant labeled “Sweet Melon,” as if the natural way for women to disguise their sweat is to stash melons in their armpits. A consumer uninterested in pits that smell like melons might figure that whatever Old Spice’s “Bearglove” scent, a scent marketed to “the commanding man,” smells like, at least it won’t be melons. And that consumer would be wrong. Perhaps the genuinely commanding man is too commanding to complain about melon-scented pits, but that doesn’t mean he should seek them out, or that we should seek them out for him.

Now, maybe your dad likes gag gifts (the “Bearglove” scent sure made me gag). Maybe he even likes expensive gag gifts. In which case, maybe you’ve already sprung for the smart socks, some custom-made Bearglove-scented mandles, or a nice pair of mantyhose along with a rebar hanger on which to hang them. More likely, though, this list should give you a sense of relief: Maybe your Father’s Day gift is lame. Maybe it’s still nonexistent. But at least it’s not this!

There are 29 comments.

  1. RightAngles Member

    OMG hahahaha! Hilarious. (“Mantyhose”?? Heaven help us)

    • #1
    • June 15, 2017, at 7:49 PM PST
    • 6 likes
  2. Judge Mental Member

    They used to sell Mantyhose that were… how do I put this… form-fitting.

    • #2
    • June 15, 2017, at 7:52 PM PST
    • 7 likes
  3. Jimmy Carter Member

    We made the mistake of getting Mommie some hangers for Mother’s Day once…. once.

    We sure as hell ain’t getting Daddy no rebar hangers.

    • #3
    • June 15, 2017, at 7:53 PM PST
    • 10 likes
  4. Chris O. Member

    Midget Faded Rattlesnake: But neither should we encourage.

    And the kicker is…the banner photo of the dude in mantyhose running on a beach.

    You’ve done it again, Midge. Brilliant.

    • #4
    • June 15, 2017, at 8:06 PM PST
    • 3 likes
  5. Midget Faded Rattlesnake Contributor

    Chris O. (View Comment):

    Midget Faded Rattlesnake: But neither should we encourage.

    And the kicker is…the banner photo of the dude in mantyhose running on a beach.

    You’ve done it again, Midge. Brilliant.

    Hmm… that gives me an idea…

    • #5
    • June 15, 2017, at 8:13 PM PST
    • 4 likes
  6. Clavius Thatcher

    Excellent. Now I know what I am getting….

    • #6
    • June 15, 2017, at 8:16 PM PST
    • 2 likes
  7. Midget Faded Rattlesnake Contributor

    Clavius (View Comment):
    Excellent. Now I know what I am getting….

    Your kids are really this mean?

    • #7
    • June 15, 2017, at 8:18 PM PST
    • 1 like
  8. Chris O. Member

    Midget Faded Rattlesnake (View Comment):
    Hmm… that gives me an idea…

    Good grief! And my lesson is…never click out of curiosity.

    • #8
    • June 15, 2017, at 8:24 PM PST
    • 2 likes
  9. Percival Thatcher

    Thick wool socks, then plastic bread wrappers outside of those, then regular cotton gym socks outside that.

    There. You’re done. Your feet will be warm and toasty all day long.

    Mantyhose? Feh. Feh, I say!

    • #9
    • June 15, 2017, at 8:25 PM PST
    • 3 likes
  10. Clavius Thatcher

    Midget Faded Rattlesnake (View Comment):

    Clavius (View Comment):
    Excellent. Now I know what I am getting….

    Your kids are really this mean?

    No, not at all. I am just kid – ing.

    • #10
    • June 15, 2017, at 8:37 PM PST
    • 1 like
  11. SkipSul Moderator

    Midget Faded Rattlesnake: Ah… Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,

    Or, if you’re wearing the male equivalent of yoga pants, on full display. Great if you are a medieval prince (such was the fashion) but a bit gauche today.

    • #11
    • June 15, 2017, at 9:10 PM PST
    • 4 likes
  12. JustmeinAZ Member

    Midget Faded Rattlesnake: No, it’s short for man-candles. That is, scented candles marketed especially to men. ManCave (“Finally, candles for men!”) Candles is one such brand.

    But eeeww! What do they smell like? I don’t want to even imagine a smell generated by men in a place where they spend an inordinate period of time alone or with other men. Think gym socks or the t-shirt he’s been mowing the lawn in.

    • #12
    • June 15, 2017, at 10:08 PM PST
    • Like
  13. Fake John/Jane Galt Coolidge

    Everybody knows the best thing you can get dad in Father’s Day is to leave him alone and a roll of duct tape.

    • #13
    • June 15, 2017, at 10:21 PM PST
    • 7 likes
  14. Midget Faded Rattlesnake Contributor

    @skipsul helpfully pointed out the following mantyhose pattern to me:

    You’re welcome!

    • #14
    • June 16, 2017, at 9:08 AM PST
    • 4 likes
  15. SkipSul Moderator

    Fake John/Jane Galt (View Comment):
    Everybody knows the best thing you can get dad in Father’s Day is to leave him alone and a roll of duct tape.

    Or this handy guide to replacing fuses:

    • #15
    • June 16, 2017, at 9:14 AM PST
    • 6 likes
  16. Midget Faded Rattlesnake Contributor

    JustmeinAZ (View Comment):

    Midget Faded Rattlesnake: No, it’s short for man-candles. That is, scented candles marketed especially to men. ManCave (“Finally, candles for men!”) Candles is one such brand.

    But eeeww! What do they smell like? I don’t want to even imagine a smell generated by men in a place where they spend an inordinate period of time alone or with other men. Think gym socks or the t-shirt he’s been mowing the lawn in.

    Most of the scents of mandles are scents already available in non-mandle candles. Scents like cedar, other woods, or the forest. Or culinary, like brownies and cheesecake.

    A few are more mandly – like gasoline or new tires. Or yes, “locker room”. One says it smells like a firing range. Several say they smell like smoked meats. “Grass clippings” is also a scent, but probably not too different from other “green scents” already marketed toward women.

    The Demeter fragrance library perfume collection was probably the first company to market scented products evocative of “everyday scents” (like tomato, gasoline, dirt, rubber, and mildew) on a large scale. So selling these sorts of fragrances aren’t new. Demeter markets its products as unisex, though, not as the manliest man-musk that ever manned.

    Remember, even Old Spice thinks melon scents are manly. What makes a candle a mandle isn’t just a distinctive odor.

    • #16
    • June 16, 2017, at 9:17 AM PST
    • 3 likes
  17. ChefSly - Super Kit Member

    As long as the mantyhose is supportive.

    • #17
    • June 16, 2017, at 9:53 AM PST
    • 5 likes
  18. JimGoneWild Coolidge

    Midget Faded Rattlesnake: The Man Hanger: This is a clothes-hanger… but for men. It’s “Bent by hand from industrial-grade rebar,”

    “No Wire Hangers! No Wire Hangers!”

    • #18
    • June 16, 2017, at 9:56 AM PST
    • 1 like
  19. Judge Mental Member

    MrAmy (View Comment):
    As long as the mantyhose is supportive.

    Can control-top mantyhose be far behind?

    • #19
    • June 16, 2017, at 9:57 AM PST
    • 2 likes
  20. SkipSul Moderator

    MrAmy (View Comment):
    As long as the mantyhose is supportive.

    JimGoneWild (View Comment):

    “No Wire Hangers! No Wire Hangers!”

    I love the juxtaposition of these quotes.

    • #20
    • June 16, 2017, at 10:01 AM PST
    • 3 likes
  21. Midget Faded Rattlesnake Contributor

    Midget Faded Rattlesnake (View Comment):

    Judge Mental (View Comment):

    MrAmy (View Comment):
    As long as the mantyhose is supportive.

    Can control-top mantyhose be far behind?

    Yes, there’s control-top mantyhose. There’s also control-bottom mantyhose, which serves a real purpose: support stockings for varicose veins.

    The pic I found of control-top mantyhose is so not safe for work though. I think it’s supposed to demonstrate that it controls the top but not the… Men might worry about turning into castrati without a guarantee of that, I guess.

    Yes, even men who wear mantyhose apparently still worry about that.

    • #21
    • June 16, 2017, at 10:20 AM PST
    • Like
  22. Profile Photo Member

    Midget Faded Rattlesnake (View Comment):
    @skipsul helpfully pointed out the following mantyhose pattern to me:

    You’re welcome!

    I know what my brothers are getting for Christmas.

    • #22
    • June 16, 2017, at 1:02 PM PST
    • 3 likes
  23. Acook Member

    I guess I need to get out more. I didn’t know any of this stuff existed until I read this.

    • #23
    • June 16, 2017, at 6:16 PM PST
    • 2 likes
  24. Randy Webster Member

    Midget Faded Rattlesnake: Bent by hand from industrial-grade rebar,

    I’m thinking rebar is industrial-grade almost by definition.

    • #24
    • June 16, 2017, at 7:28 PM PST
    • 2 likes
  25. Nanda "Chaps" Panjan… Inactive

    Thanks, @midge, if Dad Panjandrum were still on the planet, I’d get put over his knee for giving him any of this froufrou shtuff: Yikes!

    • #25
    • June 16, 2017, at 10:32 PM PST
    • 1 like
  26. Umbra Fractus Lincoln

    Nanda Panjandrum (View Comment):
    Thanks, @midge, if Dad Panjandrum were still on the planet, I’d get put over his knee for giving him any of this froufrou shtuff: Yikes!

    Pater Fractus has said that he doesn’t like us spending money on him. Yesterday I had to invoke Fathers’ Day (which he had forgotten about) in order for him to let me pay for breakfast.

    • #26
    • June 17, 2017, at 6:09 AM PST
    • 3 likes
  27. JcTPatriot Inactive

    If your man couldn’t punch his way out of a wet paper bag, and couldn’t get a tight shot grouping if his 1911 was mounted on a table, let him know how you feel about that by getting him some Mantyhose.

    Someone post that Seinfeld video of Kramer trying to convince Ben Stiller’s dad to invest in the “Bro” by trying it on. Goes perfectly with the Mantyhose.

    • #27
    • June 17, 2017, at 3:22 PM PST
    • 2 likes
  28. Grosseteste Member

    JcTPatriot (View Comment):
    Kramer trying to convince Ben Stiller’s dad to invest in the “Bro” by trying it on. Goes perfectly with the Mantyhose.

    Manssiere!

    • #28
    • June 19, 2017, at 6:53 AM PST
    • 3 likes
  29. Chris O. Member

    Repetitive comment was here. Sorry.

    • #29
    • June 19, 2017, at 6:11 PM PST
    • Like