No Contributor Has Been Treated More Unfairly

 

Being named a Ricochet contributor is an honor and a privilege, therefore I want to get out in front of the story being reported that I used my sizeable influence with the President of the United States to fire James Comey and stop the investigation into whether or not my 12-year old son was paid by the Russians to do a lousy job mowing the lawn.

Yes, the neighbors are saying that if I had an ounce of integrity and real management ability my lawn would look better than it does. I promised to make a deal on the lawn and I have. Yes, I have a relative in charge of the lawn but counsel assures me that we have not broken either nepotism or child labor laws. That fence along the southern property line is awaiting funding. And it will be a beautiful fence. By the way, James Clapper assured me last summer that there are no “moles” in the lawn. I know they say that my lawn is the laughingstock of the neighborhood. But hey, I was elected president of this house, not president of the neighborhood. And the fact that I didn’t hire an immigrant to mow the grass is not a sure fire indication that it was me that turned in the family on the next block to ICE.

Anyway, the 12-year-old merely serves as a very low level advisor in this house. All issues of home security are run through the Marines. Furthermore, any allegation that my Wire Fox Terrier was seen cavorting with the Borzoi (aka, Russian Wolfhound) three doors down are fake news. The failing Animal Planet newscast is just sad! 

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  1. Nanda Panjandrum Member
    Nanda Panjandrum
    @

    RATRIMMAL, EJ! [Rolling Around the Room in My Mobility Aid, Laughing] Rah & S/F!

    • #1
  2. Kay of MT Inactive
    Kay of MT
    @KayofMT

    You made my day.

    • #2
  3. MarciN Member
    MarciN
    @MarciN

    Love this. :)

    • #3
  4. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill
    @EJHill

    And there’s a puddle by the hose. LEAKS! Everywhere leaks!

    • #4
  5. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    EJHill: By the way, James Clapper assured me last summer that there are no “moles” in the lawn.

    If you check your transcripts, I believe you’ll find that James Clapper said he knew of no evidence of moles in your lawn.

    It is important to be precise in these matters.

    • #5
  6. Casey Inactive
    Casey
    @Casey

    How big of a contribution did you have to make to get this status?

    • #6
  7. Bryan G. Stephens Thatcher
    Bryan G. Stephens
    @BryanGStephens

    If you are not with EJHill, you are for the commies taking over!

    • #7
  8. Trink Coolidge
    Trink
    @Trink

    Oh how this made my cup of coffee doubly enjoyable.   It’s good to laugh and spew.  (My laptop didn’t enjoy it as much :)

    • #8
  9. Casey Inactive
    Casey
    @Casey

    Bryan G. Stephens (View Comment):
    If you are not with EJHill, you are for the commies taking over!

    It is a well known fact that EJ consorts with the Reds!

    • #9
  10. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill
    @EJHill

    Casey: How big of a contribution did you have to make to get this status?

    There were 16 other members under consideration. I won bigly, with more votes than any other member had ever gotten. It came down to me and some crooked woman I had never heard of. I remember the final rally, turning to my wife, Svetlayna, and saying, “This doesn’t feel like second place.”

    • #10
  11. Valiuth Member
    Valiuth
    @Valiuth

    Ha! It’s a good start to the day to read this.

     

    • #11
  12. Max Ledoux Coolidge
    Max Ledoux
    @Max

    I don’t know how you got elected president of your house when I don’t know anyone who voted for you.

    • #12
  13. Nanda Panjandrum Member
    Nanda Panjandrum
    @

    Casey (View Comment):

    Bryan G. Stephens (View Comment):
    If you are not with EJHill, you are for the commies taking over!

    It is a well known fact that EJ consorts with the Reds!

    Cincinnati ones, right, Casey? :-D

     

    • #13
  14. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill
    @EJHill

    Max LedouxI don’t know how you got elected president of your house when I don’t know anyone who voted for you.

    The wife never campaigned in the basement. She ran a lousy campaign. Very sad.

    • #14
  15. Doug Kimball Thatcher
    Doug Kimball
    @DougKimball

    Why do you allow that petroleum powered mower?  In fact, why do you have grass at all?  What kind of President are you, condoning the despoiling of our planet and wasting our precious water resources?  Everyone knows that “grass” is a social construct meant to reinforce the patriarchal destruction of our planet, a sign of status among those who relish the free market rape of mother earth.  Shame.  Shame on you.  You should be removed from office as President of your household.

    • #15
  16. skipsul Inactive
    skipsul
    @skipsul

    Casey (View Comment):
    How big of a contribution did you have to make to get this status?

    He’s now chained to his computer and bound to do only favorable photoshops of Peter from now on.

    • #16
  17. Casey Inactive
    Casey
    @Casey

    Nanda Panjandrum (View Comment):

    Casey (View Comment):

    Bryan G. Stephens (View Comment):
    If you are not with EJHill, you are for the commies taking over!

    It is a well known fact that EJ consorts with the Reds!

    Cincinnati ones, right, Casey? ?

    The worst kind!

    • #17
  18. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill
    @EJHill

    skipsulHe’s now chained to his computer and bound to do only favorable photoshops of Peter from now on.

    Actually, it’s Rob. He looks young but there’s a picture on my hard drive that seems to age every day.

    • #18
  19. Randy Weivoda Moderator
    Randy Weivoda
    @RandyWeivoda

    I’m not convinced by these claims of innocence, EJ.  I demand an investigation to see if there is any Russian vodka in your house.

    • #19
  20. Richard Easton Coolidge
    Richard Easton
    @RichardEaston

    Percival (View Comment):

    EJHill: By the way, James Clapper assured me last summer that there are no “moles” in the lawn.

    If you check your transcripts, I believe you’ll find that James Clapper said he knew of no evidence of moles in your lawn.

    It is important to be precise in these matters.

    As they said on Yes Minister, it’s important to understand the significance of significant.

    • #20
  21. Casey Inactive
    Casey
    @Casey

    Randy Weivoda (View Comment):
    I’m not convinced by these claims of innocence, EJ. I demand an investigation to see if there is any Russian vodka in your house.

    If he’s doing it right there will be no evidence of Russian vodka in the house.

    And he won’t answer any questions about these accusations until at least noon.

    • #21
  22. Aaron Miller Inactive
    Aaron Miller
    @AaronMiller

    EJHill (View Comment):
    And there’s a puddle by the hose. LEAKS! Everywhere leaks!

    Fair warning: Your complaint about the yard lacking an “edge” has been posted on several forums and various ornaments are already en route. These aren’t your mother’s flamingos.

    • #22
  23. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill
    @EJHill

    Aaron Miller Your complaint about the yard lacking an “edge” has been posted on several forums and various ornaments are already en route.

    Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like Gnomes.

    • #23
  24. cdor Member
    cdor
    @cdor

    Keep it coming, EJ. We sure can use the humor

    • #24
  25. cdor Member
    cdor
    @cdor

    Randy Weivoda (View Comment):
    I’m not convinced by these claims of innocence, EJ. I demand an investigation to see if there is any Russian vodka in your house.

    A “Special” bartender is definitely needed.

    • #25
  26. Aaron Miller Inactive
    Aaron Miller
    @AaronMiller

    EJHill (View Comment):

    Aaron Miller : Your complaint about the yard lacking an “edge” has been posted on several forums and various ornaments are already en route.

    Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like Gnomes.

    I never knew gnomes could bend like that.

    • #26
  27. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill
    @EJHill

    cdorKeep it coming, EJ. We sure can use the humor

    I’ve always been a uniter, not a divider. (Math is hard.)

    • #27
  28. Eeyore Member
    Eeyore
    @Eeyore

    EJHill: …any allegation that my Wire Fox Terrier was seen cavorting with the Borzoi (aka, Russian Wolfhound) three doors down are fake news. The failing Animal Planet newscast is just sad! 

    How do you respond to the rumors that the owner of the Borzoi wants a DNA test on the puppies, but you assert that all the Terrier’s information is classified and kept at the Kapiolani Hospital in Honolulu?

    And BTW, your 12-year-old needs a better concealment garment that doesn’t print so badly when he concealed-carries.

    • #28
  29. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill
    @EJHill

    EeyoreHow do you respond to the rumors that the owner of the Borzoi wants a DNA test on the puppies, but you assert that all the Terrier’s information is classified and kept at the Kapiolani Hospital in Honolulu?

    My Wire Fox has an iron clad alibi. Just ask her.

    • #29
  30. JcTPatriot Member
    JcTPatriot
    @

    Anonymous Sources have informed us that aides inside your house listened to a recording where your son said you were “cheap” and that you “got what you paid for” and we are going to run that story until you agree to step down.

    • #30
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