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Winning – 40 Years of Marriage
Comedian Larry Miller closes each show with the following “If you walked out of bed today and had a job to go to and a home to come back to and someone there who cares about you, folks, the game is over and you’ve won.”
It is the truest statement I have ever heard. I’ve won. The winning started 40 years ago Sunday. On that day, May 7, 1977, I committed myself to Quilter, and she committed herself to me in marriage. We have been together ever since.
I do not know if there is such a thing as a match made in heaven, or even if such a thing exists it is necessarily desirable. After 40 years we are both sure God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh. Our marriage has certainly provided the Almighty years of sitcom entertainment.
I first met Quilter while we were both in high school. She was the kid sister of a good high school friend. At the time I was into aircraft, ships, and wargames. My buddy was, too. His sister started tagging along to our wargaming sessions, which typically involved six to a dozen high school guys. It was to his obvious consternation. One or two of the other guys loudly protested “A girl! A girl in our club?” I was president of the school’s wargaming club. I overruled them figuring there were few enough wargamers that we could not afford to drive any away.
It did not take too long before I decided she was all right. And not just as a wargamer. She was smart, mature, independent, had a good sense of humor, built things, and was someone who had your back when you needed someone to have your back.
I began to think this is the type of person you want to go through life with. I then firmly put that thought away. We were in high school. She was 14 and I was 17. That was wa-a-ay too young to think about that. Yet however many times I slammed the bung on that barrel, that thought kept creeping back in. I never acted on it; it was just one of those things which kept popping into my head at odd times.
I finally went off to college to learn to be an engineer. My college was in my hometown, and mainly what happened was the wargaming group moved from my high school to the university. (Several of us chose to attend that same university.) Quilter, still in high school, continued coming, even though her brother by this point was going to a different college, in a town near enough that he could commute. (He showed up at these sessions, too.)
Quilter graduated from high school early and also attended the my college: a pre-med student. She wanted to become a doctor. About then I decided to stop ignoring that voice in my head and we started dating. After a year of that, I decided this was the real thing and asked her to marry me.
She said no, at first. She had other plans. Marriage would get in the way. Not that she did not like me, it is just she had to follow that plan. (She was always a great one for planning, deciding, and sticking to that decision.) But reality intruded on her plans – in terms of health, money and a lack of family support. Eventually she decided that give a choice of pursuing a plan which was falling apart and going without me or putting together a new plan where she could be with me, she would rather be with me. We agreed to marry at the end of my senior year in college.
We got married in my church, a Greek Orthodox Church, instead of her Methodist church. Not that either of us were then real churchgoers, but I am a stubborn cuss who even back then decided if there was a church I was going to it would be Orthodox. After all it was first. I am not sure what she thought about that logic, but her church was already tip-toeing into moral equivalence (it was in a university town, after all), and she decided maybe there was something to what I was saying.
Remember My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Yes, it was a lot like that. My grandparents had emigrated from Greece, and my parents were the first generation born in the US. And Quilter and I were the first members of our generation to get married. It was a big deal.
I am glad to say our wedding day was not the happiest day of either of our lives. (Think how sad it would be if it were. The next 40 years would have been anticlimax – at best.) But the happiest days sprang from that day: the birth of our children, watching them grow up, watching them graduate from college and start careers. Watching them get married and have their own kids … hey wait. They have not done that yet. Get on the stick, boys, Mom and Dad kind of want grandkids. (Oh well, that just means there is something more to look forward to. Right?)
It has not been effortless bliss or perpetual good times. Quilter and I have had fights, sometimes, no frequently, vigorous ones. (Never physical, but both of us can rip hide off with our words. Over the years we have learned the law of diminishing returns applies. Today our battles less resemble the scorched earth of the Thirty Years War than they do the condottieri campaigns of 15th century Italy.) There have been tough times, periods when health or employment issues created strains.
Yet when times were toughest, we came together. Remember what I said about Quilter always covering my back? Throughout my marriage, whenever I needed her there, she was there. And I was there for her when she needed her back watched. I suspect had we never married – or if we had married other people we would both be dead by now.
There have been a couple of times – for both of us – when we got dragged to the doctor by the other, despite protests that, really, honest, it is nothing serious. Inevitably it was serious – serious enough on one occasion a day’s delay could have proved fatal. Want to talk about scorched earth? Listen to one of us arranging a doctor’s visit for the other when we know it is vital and the receptionist feels we can wait. (I can repeat “That is not an acceptable answer” a lot longer than a receptionist can put me off. Quilter has her own version of that performance.)
Two individuals may be made for each other. About five years after we married, Quilter told me this story. I had not yet met her brother. We were in different schools then. But I was in Civil Air Patrol, a cadet. I was my squadron’s Public Information Officer. (Yup. It involved writing. You knew it would.) My squadron managed to get the local paper to do an article about the unit as part of a recruiting drive. I was interviewed for the article and quoted extensively.
On the other side of town, the woman became my mother-in-law a decade later saw the article, and then read it aloud to her son. With her daughter, Quilter, present. Since her brother was as airplane crazy as I was her mom encouraged him to join CAP. He never did. But when her mom read my name aloud (it is a distinctive name) Quilter thought, “I am going to marry him someday.” Her next thought was how ridiculous the first thought was. She did not even know me, had never met me, and probably would never meet me. Why would she think she would marry me?
It was not love at first sight for either of us. Rather, what came immediately was the recognition that the other one was a piece that just fit. Love came later and kept growing for four decades.
What do I want for a 40th anniversary? A 50th.
A solid marriage? That is winning.
You’re a little ahead of us. This year will be 38.
We started earlier – that’s all.
Seawriter
Seawriter is pretty distinctive.
I love that every time I hear it!
Congrats on 40! The wife and I are just about to 30, which I find kind of amazing.
As long as we’re comparing numbers, I’m almost on -1, haha!
Good story and congratulations on your victory, @seawriter.
It is not where you start. It is where you end. You and Kid Coder have lots of time ahead of you. Enjoy the trip.
Seawriter
Congratulations Seawriter and Quilter.
On their fortieth anniversary a friend’s mother shared this bon mot: “Forty years. If I’d have killed him when I wanted to, I would have been out of prison by now.”
Congratulations on what has to be the biggest win for any of us. In two weeks my wife and I will celebrate 51 years together and our winning combination was definitely made in Heaven. And you are right, grandchildren is another big win, seven for us. Prayers for you and yours.
Most all we deal with here is earthbound, cannot compare with what is made in Heaven.
Strange,
When my siblings and I held a surprise 25th anniversary celebration, we included a renewal of vows and everything for my parents. When the priest finished and asked my folks if there was anything they would like to say to the assembled. My dad, ever the dry wit, made that same observation.
So my question is, when did your mother’s friend talk to my dad?
Bless you both. Been there, done that. Happy Anniversary to a winning couple :)
I doubt it was original to either of them.
^^^^^ This^^^^^
Your commitment and love are the reasons marriages last. Thank you for the charming and loving reminder.
Seawriter,
Linda & I will be coming up to our 37th anniversary this fall. I feel I could have written about 3/4 of your story as ours, (but no where near as well, writing is not a strong suit). This year we will be celebrating it 3 days before witnessing the marriage of @VicrylContessa and @67Mustangman, which I think is wonderful way to recall our own vows. Perhaps to be an example that it is possible to achieve that “till death do us part” responsibility.
We also met in high school, at the end of our junior year. She was the yearbook editor, and I was signed up to be the school photographer. We had to work closely together for long periods to capture what she wanted for our class theme of the American bicentennial. I hope are both alive to celebrate the Sestercentennial together.
Congratulations on finding each other.
When I moved into this house I was standing in the driveway, and the first neighbor I met walked across a couple of lawns to introduce himself. He asked who lived here with me, and I said it was just me and my daughter. He said, “Divorced?” and I said yes. He said, “My wife and I have been married for 32 years!” I said that was a great accomplishment. He said, “Twelve would have been enough.”
Happy anniversary to you both. May the path to your fiftieth be a winning one.
Congrats, Seawriter! My mom and dad are celebrating their 44th next month.
That was a terrific story and I love your wish for your anniversary. Our 44th is next week– May 17. Maybe the month of May is a good month for marriage.
It is an adventure–you have to be open to changes, and willing to be patient. None of these things are even considered though when you’re young and in love.
May the Lord bless the Seawriter/Quilter union. Your story gives such great joy.
Papa Toad and I celebrate 21 years later this month. Yesterday we were at a Mass at my parents’ church to honor them and other significant anniversary couples; this year my parents will be married 60 years. One couple was married 65 years. There were two golden anniversary couples that I’ve known all my life.
I understand the feeling that one’s spouse was custom made and that no coincidences conspired to bring us together but rather providence. Thank you for expressing it so well.
Congratulations! We’re at 36 years and counting and have been blessed with our first grandchild this year.
One more thing: I often tell my husband that, as his best friend, I am so happy for him that he found such a wonderful wife! I think this is very funny, which is one reason why I keep saying it, and very true, which is the other reason why I keep saying it.
LOL, that is so funny. I know where that’s at, because that’s in my marriage too.
Great story. Marriage really does complete us. Many more years, even beyond the 50th. God bless you and your family.
I should mention also that in June my wife and I will be wed 26 years.
A-a-and, I got an unexpected anniversary present last night. My oldest son texted he had proposed marriage to his girlfriend that evening and she accepted.
Seawriter
My wife and I celebrate our marriage twice a year — in December for the JotP service that fixed a problem with a diplomatic visa, and in August for the Church wedding. It irked my parents that the church wedding followed the JP service, but it has worked out: it has been 28 / 27 years. (-:
Congratulations, you both appear to be truly blessed by having each other. Also, your marriage serves as a model for your children and those in your circle of friends and family to emulate.
By ourselves, we cannot change the world. We can (and must) be examples for those within our spheres of influence. Hopefully, that influence will radiate outwards and become an expanding bulwark against the heathen hordes of relativism.
God bless you.
Congratulations Seawriter! This reminded me of another similar “truest statement” … from Jimmy V …
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuoVM9nm42E
What a lovely anniversary gift for Quilter!
We got married young, too, and people sometimes ask, what’s it like being with the same person for so long?
I always say: I can’t say we’re the same people, but fortunately all the people the two of us have morphed into over the years have managed to get along.
Congratulations, Seawriter. We’ll celebrate 43 this year! I am blessed.
Just a beautiful story! Loved it! We have our 30th this month and I can relate to much of what you said. Thank you for sharing it.