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So I was out last night, and had cause to remark on the beauty of the California hills and canyons, unbelievably green this season, and the Romantic allure of the cities by night, when you have to guess at what you see and light precedes shape. Then, coming in, I caught a scene of “Madame Secretary” on TV.
I know what you’re thinking: Is that show even running anymore? Well, surprise! The episode was a doozy: The Sec was hard at work to “shift the paradigm” concerning rhino poaching in Namibia. Piecemeal approaches don’t work, you see…
- American shows on foreign affairs have a terrible habit of alternating between this tripe and the endless paranoia of “Homeland,” with nothing in-between. Don’t the vaguely liberal audiences want anything better? How about fantasies where big problems are solvable and people get to see a government that has sensible ideas about what’s going on in the world and what to do about it?
- On the other hand, if you were offered your own fantasy, wouldn’t you much rather have America’s liberals-in-government worry about this sort of ecological nonsense instead of trying to deal with China, which they can’t do, or manage alliance diplomacy, which they can’t bother to do? After all, most of the world is, in a way, America’s playground. Why couldn’t every kid in America sponsor an African rhino who would write him letters every month or so and send an annual picture?
- How long until the liberal press discovers the rhino populations thus empowered turn to radical Muslim terrorism and “it’s all our fault for arming them in the first place?” Blame the CIA! This is a greater concern than might first appear, I mean, do we really want a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles scenario on our hands when we do not yet have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, because of PETA and the bleeding-heart liberals?
- If you know anything about liberal shows, you know the burning question we have to address: What happens when State decides to teach the rhinos about feminism and abortion rights? How are the various UN-based organizations that deal with the third world, wildlife, feminism, and refugee programs — trust me, there’ll be refugees — going to agree on anything when this becomes a flashpoint?
- What if rhino democracy becomes a thing and America starts nation-building looking forward to the first quadruped president of a country to be seated at the UN? You can’t not support democracy — but on the other hand, isn’t this even more colonialism, but underhanded?
- How about the impending conflict with China over rhino-poaching for crazy superstitious uses? If Chinese money wants all the rhinos dead so they can bolster the national, um, enhancement, is America really going to start erection wars in Africa? How would that look in the papers?
- What are we going to do when it turns out the Cold War policies of the American government allowed, nay, required, the CIA to do experiments with biological warfare that led to these mutations in the first place? And that’s the true story behind the Symbionese Liberation Army!
Now I wish I had watched the damned episode instead of getting into the weeds here. It’s a complicated world we live in, folks, and I want to know what the administration is planning to do about the mutant rhino threat before World War III (or is it?) starts. We can’t just drone all the rhinos back to the stone age!