The reason I’m whispering is I’m not supposed to have my iPhone in the high security unit. And, please excuse any typos because messaging in this odd-fitting jacket is difficult.

I wanted to let you know my good friend, fellow Mensa, Nobel Prize-winning, and long-time shrink, Dr. Sarah Bellum, sent two large men to invite me to stay for a while in the Thomas Eagleton wing of this fine facility. She thought my reaction to MSNBC (Mostly Sleazy Nasty But Corrupt) analyst Rachel Maddog’s breathless revelation that Big D paid $38 million in federal taxes in 2005 was over the top.

I tried to explain to Dr. Bellum that it wasn’t Maddog’s tax return reveal that sent me scrambling butt nekkid onto the roof of my palatial home, but the doctor didn’t take my explanation seriously. Perhaps she was distracted by my screaming at the top of my lungs while straddling a dormer with my business out there for all to see.

So, if you see her on the outside, please tell Dr. Bellum what set me off was Maddog’s description of her big reveal as Unprecedented.

That’s when I lost it.

I am fed up with every talking head on radio and television describing something as Unprecedented. When I hear it, I want to vomit. And the meat puppets do this to me all the time. Someone in fake media uses a word. The others hear it and like it. In a few hours, it’s on the lips of every news reporter and spokesperson around the world.

They did the same thing with: At The End Of The Day, Hair On Fire, Ubiquitous, Vetting, and many other words and phrases that were minding their own business, toodling along, and all of a sudden they’re everywhere, as exposed and nekkid as I was on my roof.

Unprecedented, however, is the worst.

Are they aware that (I can’t say the word again) means This Thing Has Never Happened Or Never Been Said Before? What are the odds of that? The word is flexible, too. They use it as a criticism or as a compliment.

If you and I were running things, wouldn’t we want to do something that’s been tried before and worked instead of blazing new trails into parts unknown? History has shown us that new initiatives, though “unprecedented,” don’t always work out so well, to-wit:

El Escorial near Madrid, Spain. 1588. SpokesMuchacho Hernando da Silva announced yesterday that King Phillip II, using unprecedented storm predictive technology, has given the thumbs up to his Armada fleet to regroup in the North Atlantic to continue the assault on his Godless sister-in-law Queen Elizabeth’s British fleet….

Waterloo, Belgium. 1815. SpokeSommelier Yves Saint Mauritius revealed earlier today Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte has begun an unprecedented pre-emptive strike against British General Wellington’s forces massed atop Mount-Saint-Jean Escarpment….

Little Big Horn, Montana. 1876. In a riverbank press conference this morning, SpokeSoldier Elbert Longknives reported that General George Custer will use the unprecedented strategy of “circling the wagons” to defeat the Lakota, Cheyenne, and Arapaho warriors in what is expected by Custer to be a turning point in the Great Sioux War. Longknives added that General Custer described Chief Crazy Horse’s stated opposition to the unprecedented plan of attack as “just crazy.”

Berlin. 1944. National Socialist Supreme Leader Adolf Hitler’s SpokesGlockenspielGotterDammerUng, Hans Gruber, commented on press inquiries concerning der Fuehrer’s unprecedented decision to concentrate Nazi defense forces at Calais in anticipation of the Allied invasion across the English Channel….

Reykjavic, Iceland. 2010. SpokesDrunkard Astrikur Mjollnir pooh-poohed private sector predictions that the Eyjafjallajokull Volcano would soon erupt and cause major interruptions in transatlantic flights. “I am announcing today two unprecedented actions by the ruling party. First, government scientists will be totally transparent in revealing the data underlying our unprecedented conclusion that Eyjafjallajokull is currently quiescent and will remain so. Second, your Icelandic governing party will start an unprecedented drive to eliminate excess L’s, J’s, and K’s from our nation’s language….”

The next time you hear some knucklehead on television use the term (I can’t say the word again), please join me in committing some random act of insanity while screaming for relief.

One word of warning: you might want to arm yourself with Cortaid or Neosporin before you ascend to your ramparts. Those asphalt shingles can be very hard on your bum.