It’s Not Me, It’s You


I’m sorry, but really this breakup is final.  You’ve been unfaithful to me for months, dallying with others while making only token teasing efforts in a vain attempt to convince me that you’re even still paying attention.  You’ve been running hot and cold now for 3 months, only showing up when another is making her frankly more pleasant expressions of affection known.  Life is too short for me to keep dealing with your teasing ways, so I’m moving on.  As far as I’m concerned, our relationship ended at the holidays.  You did not even show up for my birthday, instead cavorting with others hundreds of miles away.  I know, I saw the pictures you were tagged in on Facebook, and the happy faces of the others whose lives you graced.  I even saw them building a snowman with you when you had sworn we’d at least have a few exclusive days together in February.  As far as I’m concerned, you walked out first, and I’m not taking you back.

Now again you tease and promise to fly in tonight, but we both know the only time you’ll spare is a few token hours of flirting and teasing before you melt away and leave me to clean up the mess.  There will be no passion to it, just a perfunctory dance of half-remembered maneuvers.  And your rival is daily flirting with me, bringing me flowers, songs, and energetic storm-tossed nights, while you rage and bellow in far off places.  She caresses my hair and embraces me fondly while you slap my hands and burn my ears with your wild and now meaningless scoldings.  She brightens my days with the sunshine of her presence, while your erratic arrivals cast a pall and leave behind salty trails of tears on my paths.

Winter, you inconstant and faithless dancer, we are through.  Not once this year have you blanketed me deeply in your icy embrace.  Not once have you let me slide across your rolling hills.  You have instead bestowed your gifts on others undeserving while I kept a candle burning, awaiting your arrival.  And while you might still threaten, I know you are nothing but bluster at this point.  I have moved on to Spring.

Published in Humor
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There are 34 comments.

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  1. skipsul Inactive

    Hypatia (View Comment):
    Great post! This really is the way I feel, not sure if you were just joking. I love winter, and I didn’t get nearly enough cross-country skiing in this year.

    I live in the mountains. I grew up here and was lucky enough to return.

    And here’s what steams my clams: people who come to live here, and then act like a snowstorm is the equivalent of an inland tsunami.

    Schools, and even businesses, now close at the first snowflake–especially since local newscasters, all of whom musta grown up in California or Florida, talk like snow is just the scariest, baddest thing ever. (And we live in a ski-resort area! )

    Shut UP!

    Last winter was kind of a dud, like this one–but before that, we had two glorious winters where there were about 4 feet of snow down for months, and we didn’t really see the ground till June.

    Now, THA’S what I’m TALKIN’ about!

    Dear Winter I will miss you!

    I’m hurt and angry at Winter after the last 2 years.  I love a deep snowfall, I love the quiet it brings to things, I love how my kids can go sledding on the hill out back, I love the bite to the air.  I also love how winter kills the stink bugs and removes the allergens from the air that otherwise give me migraines – winter and summer are the times of year when I have the fewest episodes.  That’s why I consider this year (and last year, really) to have betrayals here.

    • #31
  2. jmelvin Member

    Winter here in my part of central Virginia has been a real let down.  We have had one decent snow fall the whole winter, with about 6″ dropped and that’s it.  Admittedly we don’t usually keep snow on the ground all that long, but we can generally expect several snowfalls of a few inches and maybe a couple per season with 8″ to 12″.  Beyond that it really hasn’t been particularly cold for any significant duration, which is a disappointment all its own.

    I don’t wish for a whole bunch of nastiness, but at least some seasonal weather would be nice.  I guess I should be thankful for what I get though.

    • #32
  3. profdlp Inactive

    jmelvin (View Comment):
    …I don’t wish for a whole bunch of nastiness, but at least some seasonal weather would be nice…

    Of the first eight winters I spent up here there was snow on the ground for every single day of winter during five of them.  (Dec 20 or so until Mar 20 or so.)  Sometimes the last bit of snow you could see was just in places where the plows had piled it up and there was bare brown grass elsewhere, but you could see snow somewhere when you looked out of the window.  My absolute favorite winter was one where we literally did not see grass anywhere from early January until the end of March. It snowed at least weekly and there was one period in early March that year where it literally snowed an inch or two every single night for a two week period.  Kept the top looking nice and white and not dingy gray.

    …I guess I should be thankful for what I get though.

    Good advice under any circumstances.  :-)

    • #33
  4. Trink Coolidge

    skipsul (View Comment):
    My kids have asked me to point out that this little missive was a riff on us all joking on the drive into school this morning. They have specifically asked that credit be given them, along with a share of any royalties.

    It’s so good – that I copied and pasted it into an email so that Western Chauvinist could read it.

    She’s given up Ricochet for Lent and I just couldn’t let her miss this.  Tell the kids they did great!

    • #34
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