I’ve had it up to here with you people out there making harassing calls to my technical staff to rush our new smartphone apps to the market. My number one technology guy, R.N.D. Funding, is threatening to quit. If he does, I’m coming after each of you fat [expletives]. Like many Americans, I have access to the NSA tapes and transcripts of your abusive calls to R.N.D. If you think Gen. Flynn got a raw deal, just wait until I get a hold of you.

However, my public relations consultant and part-time rodeo clown, Robin “Hood” Wink, has urged me to placate you knuckleheads. I told her, as I’m always ‘splaining to my Nobel Prize winning shrink, Sarah Bellum, I try to like people, but they are all so [expletive] stupid.

In the spirit of trying to get along like Rodney King suggested, I had our sales people put together a preliminary draft of our catalogue of new apps:

1. Dial-An-Anarchist: Angry about the ravages of capitalism? Fed up with idiots who disagree with your being allowed to speak freely? Try our new Dial-An-Anarchist app to hook up with former Hungarian George Sore Loser-funded anarchists and former President B.O.’s community organizers in your area to burn and pillage banks who loan you money and businesses that provide non-organic goods and services.
2. Roaming Drone: In a life or death road rage confrontation? About to get tased for resisting arrest? Use our new Roaming Drone app to call in a surgical strike on your tormentor. Developed in cooperation with former President B.O. as an alternative to the cruelty of waterboarding, the app is available in maim or obliterate format.  
3. Genealogy Genie: Ineligible for minority set-asides? Feeling guilty about your white privilege? Download our new Genealogy Genie and create a new ethnicity for yourself. Achieve the success you deserve by establishing instant Cherokee status and own part of a Native-American casino. Climb the Harvard tenure ladder like Elizabeth “Dances With Wolf Blitzer” Warren with our Fauxcahontas add on. If you identify as African-American but are saddled with doughy white skin, use the Genie to create a family tree to include ancestors who came to America in the hold of a slave ship.
4. Jew Detector: (Please note: available only in France, Mideast caliphates, and on the campuses of UCLA, Northwestern, and other elite US universities supporting the Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions movement.) Fed up with having a Jew walk past you on the Champs-Elysee and not notice until it’s too late to spit on him or her? Tired of being screwed by Jew doctors, lawyers, and businessmen with Anglicized names? You need our new smartphone app Jew Detector. Using pheromone-sniffing technology with a range up to 100 feet, your phone will buzz in plenty of time for you to give that Jew what for.
5. Insta Emetic: No matter what kind of political argument you encounter, or what kind of jam you find yourself in, there’s no better way to change the subject than throwing up. Tap the Insta Emetic icon on your phone to send a message wirelessly to a tiny chip implanted under your arm that connects with neurotransmitters in your parasympathetic nervous system. One tap for regular retching. Two taps for spectacular, multi-colored projectile vomiting if you upgrade to the Call Ralph model.
6. Ride With Goober: On the way to the in-laws to borrow money? Bargaining with your new landscaping contractor? You don’t want to show up for the meet in one of those nice rides from Uber or Lyft? Use the Ride With Goober app to call for a rusted-out pick-up truck, a 35-year-old Ford LTD II, or an old Pontiac driven by a guy who looks like Junior Sample from “Hee Haw.”
7. What Would Brian Say?: Late for work again? Someone questioning that Ph.D. on your résumé? Get our new What Would Brian Say? phone app to instantly fabricate a rock-solid lie. Based on former NBC anchor and self-described Special Forces veteran Brian Williams’ ability to play fast and loose with facts. Use the app’s photobomb function to insert yourself in White House state dinners, or to simulate sniper fire when your helicopter lands in Bosnia. 
8. I Gotta Go: Ever been in one of those embarrassing moments where if you don’t go soon, something really bad was going to happen? I Gotta Go scans for clean public restrooms within a one-mile radius.

We’ll be posting on our website a more detailed description of these great new apps along with pricing in a few weeks. Until then, I hope this announcement will satisfy those of you who’ve been hounding R.N.D. and staff. Kindly direct any inquiries to Robin “Hood” Wink, whose contact information is in the Contact Us section of our site.

That’s all I have to say. Now, if you no-good, whining [expletives] will excuse me, I Gotta Go.