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It all started when my publicist and part-time rodeo clown, world-renowned public relations consultant, Robin “Hood” Wink, reached over and pulled out one of Chuck Chuck “Bo Buck” Todd’s newly planted hair plug sprouts during our appearance on his NBC (Nasty But Corrupt, Inc.) Sunday morning news show, Beat the Press.
“I got that seedling from Schumer!” Chuck Chuck screamed, then took a swing at Hood, which was a mistake. She blocked his punch, then reached across the desk, throttled him with his blue NBC tie, and twirled him around her head like a lasso before tossing him into the studio’s huge black-and-white Huntley-Brinkley diorama, smashing it to smithereens.
This wasn’t our first set-to with the media, apparently still unhinged because of the inauguration of Donald J. Trump. I have risen to prominence in Mensa International, and I’ve been on a number of television news programs since the presidential election. The nastiness Hood and I have encountered is astounding.
On Morning Jobe, the MSNBC (Mighty Sleazy Nasty But Corrupt, Inc.) flagship morning show, Shameeka Brzezinskimobile accused me of removing the bust of the late Anna Nicole Smith from my office and replacing it with a statue of William Rodham Clinton’s former Secretary of Labor, Robert “Third” Reich, which was, by the way, life-sized but still much smaller than Anna’s bust.
On Erase the Nation, the long-running CBS (Constantly Broadcasting Scams, Inc.) Sunday morning classic, genial nonagenarian Bob Sheeper was upbraiding me for being in favor of arresting non-Mensa homeless people who defecate on public sidewalks, when a woman bolted from the studio audience and came at me. I recognized Sally Boynton Brown, front-running candidate for the DNC chair position, as she dove into me screaming “my job is to shut white people down.” Hood pushed Sally off of me but, unfortunately, onto Sheeper, whom she proceeded to beat about the head and shoulders with his own cane.
“But, I voted for you,” Bob Sheeper yelled. “I got you on Sixty Minutes.”
“You’re still an old white man,” Sally screamed. “I’m just fulfilling a campaign promise,” she added and continued to pummel him.
Hood and I fled the scene, hopping onto her custom Harley and speeding to our next interview at ABC (Always Belittle Conservatives, Inc.). Its Sunday morning program, This Week with George Rodham Steppingonthepopulous, was back on the air after George’s recovery from a thrown-ashtray-induced concussion he suffered when he asked HRC for his $50,000 back from the Clinton Grovel Initiative.
George adjusted the bandage wrapped around his head and asked me why the crowd at my Mensa International investiture function had fewer attendees than my predecessor’s.
“Here’s a photo of the crowd when former Mensa leader, Hopalong Cassidy’s sidekick Gabby Hayes was sworn in,” George said, holding a faded, sepia-toned Polaroid. “And here’s yours.”
Hood was on him like white on rice. She grabbed George’s bandage and pulled, spinning him around until he was as dizzy and disoriented as Debbie Wassamatter Schultz’s hairdresser.
“I cannot understand why the media is so vicious to us,” I said to Hood later over a cup of coffee at the CBS museum, whose featured display was a re-creation of the NYC home and the Montana home of the families of the late Charles “Lover Boy” Kuralt, the bigamist and ultra-liberal Nikon of CBS television news. Kuralt was famous for his promotion of “two-family values” in his wildly successful and poignant “On the Road to Avoid Both Wives” segment.
“I think the media is still upset,” Hood explained, “because they reported that soon-to-be confirmed Secretary of State “T-Rex” Tillerson had okayed an oil lease to Esso on the Mall right in front of the Smithsonian. The administration outed them in this lie, proving that the lease only allowed Esso to drill in the Reflecting Pool, and only with a very narrow, shallow-water, semi-submersible rig.”
“I don’t think that’s it,” I said. “But we don’t have time to figure it out. We’ll be late for my speech at the National Fake News Museum for the dedication the newly opened Dan Blather wing, which has the original fake documents Blather relied on in his made-up story about George W. Bush’s National Guard service.”
“Wow,” Hood said. “I hope I get to meet Mr. Blather.”
“I can arrange that,” I said. “What question will you ask him?”
“Something I’ve always wanted to know.”
“What would that be?”
“Kenneth, what is the frequency?” she said.