Contributor Post Created with Sketch. Beat The Press

 

It all started when my publicist and part-time rodeo clown, world-renowned public relations consultant, Robin “Hood” Wink, reached over and pulled out one of Chuck Chuck “Bo Buck” Todd’s newly planted hair plug sprouts during our appearance on his NBC (Nasty But Corrupt, Inc.) Sunday morning news show, Beat the Press.

“I got that seedling from Schumer!” Chuck Chuck screamed, then took a swing at Hood, which was a mistake. She blocked his punch, then reached across the desk, throttled him with his blue NBC tie, and twirled him around her head like a lasso before tossing him into the studio’s huge black-and-white Huntley-Brinkley diorama, smashing it to smithereens.

This wasn’t our first set-to with the media, apparently still unhinged because of the inauguration of Donald J. Trump. I have risen to prominence in Mensa International, and I’ve been on a number of television news programs since the presidential election. The nastiness Hood and I have encountered is astounding.

On Morning Jobe, the MSNBC (Mighty Sleazy Nasty But Corrupt, Inc.) flagship morning show, Shameeka Brzezinskimobile accused me of removing the bust of the late Anna Nicole Smith from my office and replacing it with a statue of William Rodham Clinton’s former Secretary of Labor, Robert “Third” Reich, which was, by the way, life-sized but still much smaller than Anna’s bust.

On Erase the Nation, the long-running CBS (Constantly Broadcasting Scams, Inc.) Sunday morning classic, genial nonagenarian Bob Sheeper was upbraiding me for being in favor of arresting non-Mensa homeless people who defecate on public sidewalks, when a woman bolted from the studio audience and came at me. I recognized Sally Boynton Brown, front-running candidate for the DNC chair position, as she dove into me screaming “my job is to shut white people down.” Hood pushed Sally off of me but, unfortunately, onto Sheeper, whom she proceeded to beat about the head and shoulders with his own cane.

“But, I voted for you,” Bob Sheeper yelled. “I got you on Sixty Minutes.”

“You’re still an old white man,” Sally screamed. “I’m just fulfilling a campaign promise,” she added and continued to pummel him.

Hood and I fled the scene, hopping onto her custom Harley and speeding to our next interview at ABC (Always Belittle Conservatives, Inc.). Its Sunday morning program, This Week with George Rodham Steppingonthepopulous, was back on the air after George’s recovery from a thrown-ashtray-induced concussion he suffered when he asked HRC for his $50,000 back from the Clinton Grovel Initiative.

George adjusted the bandage wrapped around his head and asked me why the crowd at my Mensa International investiture function had fewer attendees than my predecessor’s.

“Here’s a photo of the crowd when former Mensa leader, Hopalong Cassidy’s sidekick Gabby Hayes was sworn in,” George said, holding a faded, sepia-toned Polaroid. “And here’s yours.”

Hood was on him like white on rice. She grabbed George’s bandage and pulled, spinning him around until he was as dizzy and disoriented as Debbie Wassamatter Schultz’s hairdresser.

“I cannot understand why the media is so vicious to us,” I said to Hood later over a cup of coffee at the CBS museum, whose featured display was a re-creation of the NYC home and the Montana home of the families of the late Charles “Lover Boy” Kuralt, the bigamist and ultra-liberal Nikon of CBS television news. Kuralt was famous for his promotion of “two-family values” in his wildly successful and poignant “On the Road to Avoid Both Wives” segment.

“I think the media is still upset,” Hood explained, “because they reported that soon-to-be confirmed Secretary of State “T-Rex” Tillerson had okayed an oil lease to Esso on the Mall right in front of the Smithsonian. The administration outed them in this lie, proving that the lease only allowed Esso to drill in the Reflecting Pool, and only with a very narrow, shallow-water, semi-submersible rig.”

“I don’t think that’s it,” I said. “But we don’t have time to figure it out. We’ll be late for my speech at the National Fake News Museum for the dedication the newly opened Dan Blather wing, which has the original fake documents Blather relied on in his made-up story about George W. Bush’s National Guard service.”

“Wow,” Hood said. “I hope I get to meet Mr. Blather.”

“I can arrange that,” I said. “What question will you ask him?”

“Something I’ve always wanted to know.”

“What would that be?”

“Kenneth, what is the frequency?” she said.

There are 8 comments.

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  1. Columbo Member

    Frequency?! Frequency?! You can’t handle the Frequency Kenneth!!!

    • #1
    • January 26, 2017, at 8:12 AM PST
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  2. Eb Snider Inactive

    “Beat the Press”, I like the title and the silliness. I’d just say one correction though.. the rig on the mall wouldn’t be a semi-submersible for the Washington Mall, it’d be a jack-up rig or a barge rig for shallow waters. Semi-submersibles are used away from the shelf in deeper water. Kinda ridiculous to nit-pick on this point on this piece though, ha.

    • #2
    • January 26, 2017, at 8:21 AM PST
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  3. Profile Photo Member

    rotflmao

    I would add a witty comment, but I am speechless. “two-family values” and

    MichaelHenry: Brzezinskimobile accused me of removing the bust of the late Anna Nicole Smith from my office and replacing it with a statue of William Rodham Clinton’s former Secretary of Labor, Robert “Third” Reich, which was, by the way, life-sized but still much smaller than Anna’s bust.

    So you had Anna’s bust in your office? I guess she doesn’t need it anymore, but ewwww.

    • #3
    • January 26, 2017, at 9:05 AM PST
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  4. Scott Wilmot Member

    MichaelHenry: “I got that seedling from Schumer!”

    I can just hear Chuck Chuck screaming that – hilarious.

    MichaelHenry: smashing it to smithereens

    I love that phrase – reminds me of watching Saturday morning cartoons long ago when I was a kid.

    Very funny piece – good job.

    • #4
    • January 26, 2017, at 9:32 AM PST
    • Like
  5. Blondie Thatcher

    Great stuff!

    • #5
    • January 26, 2017, at 9:36 AM PST
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  6. Pilli Inactive

    This is real news not fake news like you get on the mainstream media.

    • #6
    • January 26, 2017, at 10:07 AM PST
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  7. Larry Koler Inactive

    Eb Snider (View Comment):
    “Beat the Press”, I like the title and the silliness. I’d just say one correction though.. the rig on the mall wouldn’t be a semi-submersible for the Washington Mall, it’d be a jack-up rig or a barge rig for shallow waters. Semi-submersibles are used away from the shelf in deeper water. Kinda ridiculous to nit-pick on this point on this piece though, ha.

    Not a bit of it. This guy has to have accuracy in these behind the scenes activities. We need to know this stuff and we need to know it’s right.

    • #7
    • January 26, 2017, at 10:38 AM PST
    • Like
  8. tigerlily Member

    Robin “Hood” Wink sounds like one tough broad!

    • #8
    • January 26, 2017, at 10:52 AM PST
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