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Driving my three-wheeled very Smart car to the international Mensa weightlifting and beauty contest in the exclusive Kalorama enclave in Northwest DC this week, I passed the newly-constructed 80-foot brick wall around soon-to-be-ex-President “B.O.” Obama’s nine-bedroom faux-Tudor Revival rental.
Exactly 1,100 feet beyond B.O.’s impenetrable new residence, I stopped to admire the lovely minaret atop the expansive Islamic Center of Washington DC. On the curb outside the mosque, I noticed broadcast techs scurrying around a 1967 Ford Bronco and a 1970 Jeep Wagoneer with UHF-TV 12-inch dishes bolted to their roofs.
“What’s on TV?” I asked, pointing to the dainty UHF dishes.
“We’re broadcasting the Shadow Cabinet Confirmation Hearings,” a technician said. “Beaming the signal out three miles if good weather holds. Check it out.”
I walked into the mosque past the bronze sculpture of Yessir Arafat wearing a black-checkered keffiyeh with “Death to Israel” embroidered on it, and was surprised to see a makeshift hearing room. An array of famous Democrats sat on risers behind long desks passing a Karaoke microphone and asking questions. I knelt on a prayer rug as John Podesta was being grilled by former DNC Chairperson Debbie Wassamatter Schultz, who was clad in black Kevlar body armor and helmet.
“And you think you could carry out the duties of Cybersecurity Chief of Operations if so confirmed by this body?” Wassamatter asked before ducking a .45 caliber copper-jacketed bullet fired by a peaceful Muslim in the audience.
“I am certain I can,” Podesta said. “I am a techno-whiz with my new Compaq computer. I’ll maintain all government secrets on a floppy [expletive] that I control.”
“I think the term is ‘disk,’ Mr. Podesta,” Wassamatter said. “With an ‘s’.” She paused. “Do you have a strong password for your Compaq?”
“I do,” Podesta said, looking around for eavesdroppers. “My user name is johnpodesta, with a lower case “J” and “P” for security, and my password is 01081949.” He grinned confidently. “Hackers will never figure out that it’s my birthday in numbers.”
Rosie O’Donnell grabbed the Karaoke mike, knocking Wassamatter off the back of the riser. She pointed to smart Aleck Baldwin in the audience behind Podesta.
“They say you’re smart, Aleck,” Rosie yelled. “As Secretary of Defense, how would you enforce Martian law to prevent Big D from taking over the government?”
“Well, first of all, I played CIA spook Jack Ryan in The Hunt for Red October. My character rode in a helicopter and a submarine.”
“I object to the use of the racist term ‘spook,’” said Maxine “Muddy” Waters, of Los Angeles. “And this tubby cracker is too stupid, even for a Democrat, to be head of Defense. He turned down the next Jack Ryan role in Patriot Games to do the Brando role in a dinky off-Broadway version of Streetcar Named Desire.”
“Negotiations broke down, that’s all,” Aleck said to Waters. “And while we’re at it, Muddy, how did your husband’s OneUnited Bank just happen to get a government bailout in the 2008 financial crisis?”
“Objection as to relevance,” man-bashing attorney Gloria All-Left said from the front row of the dais in her bright red business suit and matching lipstick. “I want to ask Aleck if he’s willing to use all of his considerable spy skills to take out members of the vast right wing All-Right Movement.”
“No problem,” Aleck said. “I’ll yell ’em to death.”
Civil Rights Nikon John Lewis grabbed the karaoke mike from Gloria All-Left, and jabbed a finger in Aleck’s direction. “Are you now, or have you ever been,” Lewis asked, “a member of the white race?”
“Yes,” Aleck said bravely, drawing nervous titters and rumbling from the dais and the crowd. “But, ever since my brother Stephen played the role of Buffalo Bill in 1994 in The Young Riders, I have identified as a light-skinned Native American.”
“Stephen Baldwin,” Lewis yelled, “supported Trump. I’d like to corner him on some bridge in Alabama and bash him upside the head twice with a billy club, spray him with a water cannon, and run over him. You say he’s your brother?”
“My parents say he is, but I think he’s illegitimate,” Aleck said.
“Just like Trump and that white devil George W. Bush,” the distinguished Civil Rights Nikon and devout graduate of the American Baptist Theological Seminary said. “Now, let’s all bow our heads and pray for this pale-faced redskin.”
Michael Henry Copyright © 2017Published in