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Show Me The Money
Senator Beauregard Sessions had just been sworn in when the man next to me jumped up and started screaming.
Up until that point, the man had seemed like any normal American, awaiting testimony in the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing room in his freshly ironed KKK white gown and hood, which he told me was the late Democrat West Virginia Senator Robert C. Byrd’s signature “Kleagle” model.
My longtime friend, international lawyer, and part-time potted plant, E. Hobart Calhoun, Esq., was sitting next to Senator Sessions, representing him in the hearing. E. sensed I was in imminent danger and leapt over several rows of spectators. He landed on the Klucker, knocking him to the floor, which turned out to be a bad idea.
From the row behind us, a bevy of unattractive and disheveled women in pink outfits swarmed E., beating him viciously about the head and shoulders with their pink foam starburst tiaras. I tried to fight the women off, but they kept screaming “racist” and poking me in the eyes with their tiaras. E. eventually made it back to his seat next to Senator Sessions, dragging me away from the Pink Ladies and seating me in the first row.
“Ahem,” Chairman Chuck Grassley, net worth $3 million, said. “The Chair recognizes Senator Pat Leahy of Vermont.”
Leahy’s aides roused him. Clearing his throat like Foster Brooks, Leahy tried to sit up straight and began a rambling question, slurring his words in an apparent effort to overcome the bad batch of “Vermont Brown” heroin he had gotten ahold to.
“I object, Mr. Chairman,” E. said, jumping to his feet. “My search of the Senate financial disclosure records indicate Senator Leahy has a net worth of only $275,000.”
“Yes,” Chairman Grassley said. “Leahy’s a deadbeat. What’s your point?”
“My client has a net worth of over $3.2 million. My understanding of Senate rules is he doesn’t have to answer questions from a Senator with a lesser net worth.”
While Chairman Grassley huddled with staff attorneys on the issue, Illinois Senator Dick Bourbon grabbed the mike and held out a document to Sessions.
“I have undeniable proof from Buzzfeed,” Bourbon said, belching slightly, “that you hired several hookers from Tuscaloosa to tinkle on the bed in the La Quinta Inn room formerly occupied by Harry Belafonte.”
“Don’t answer that,” E. said, leaning into Sessions. “Objection, Mr. Chairman. Senator Bourbon is only worth $2 million. My client does not have to respond.”
Bourbon began to protest, but E. cut him off. He stood and jabbed his finger at Bourbon. “NO QUESTIONS FOR YOU!!” he said forcefully, borrowing Omar Sharif’s accent from Lawrence of Arabia.
“Hold on a minute, Mr. Chairman,” MN Senator Al Franken Stein yelled.
“The Chair yields to the Senator from Minnesota worth $8 million who lost the original vote count to Senator Norm Coleman by 725 votes but was declared winner by 312 votes after three months of recounts by Democrat Party officials who controlled the courts and the electoral process and counted the votes of 1,099 felons.”
“In my many decades as a comedian,” Franken Stein said, “I had dozens of people of color in my audiences, a few of whom laughed at my work. Senator Sessions, I know people of color. People of color are friends of mine. You are no person of color.”
“Sometimes my face is red, Senator Franken Stein.”
“He’s no red man,” Senator Diane Stein screamed. “He’s an old white man. Beauregard is the archetypal name of a racist plantation owner from Alabama.”
“Say something,” I implored E.
“I can’t object,” E. said. “She and her husband are worth $94 million.”
“Furthermore,” Senator Diane Stein said, “1400 law professors from Los Angeles law schools have signed a petition saying you’re unfit to serve as A.G.”
“Objection, Mr. Chairman,” E. said. “Until the gentlelady from California provides audited financial statements from each of the so-called professors…”
“Sustained,” the Chairman said. “Mr. E. is correct.”
“Moreover,” E. continued, “I have affidavits from numerous law professors at Trump University School of Law establishing that each of them is worth more than $3.2 million and that Senator Sessions is eminently qualified.”
“Let the affidavits be admitted,” Senator Grassley said. “And I yield to Senator Richard “Blue” Menthol of Connecticut.”
“For the record,” Blue said, “my net worth is $79 million.”
“Objection,” E. said. “In spite of the Senator from Connecticut’s battle heroics in Viet Nam, I must point out that it’s his wife Patricia Malkin’s money from her father’s New York City real estate empire. It’s not Senator Blue’s.”
“Overruled,” Chairman Grassley said. “Comes within the parameters of the former Senator Jean Kerry “Ketchup” rule, wherein a Senator’s net worth includes the assets of his heiress wife.”
“Oh,” E. said. “I wasn’t aware….”
E. stopped mid-sentence as former technology mogul, Virginia Democrat Senator Mark Warner, walked into the hearing chamber wearing a baseball cap with “$242” million on the front.
“We’re in trouble,” E. said. “$242 million buys a lot of questions.”
Michael Henry
Copyright © 2017
Published in Humor
Oh, that’s great. Follow the money, I love it.
It certainly does.
Another good one, MichaelHenry! An unnerving observation about protocol laced with humor. Keep it coming, please.
Very good, Mr. Henry.
Fantastic. But I hope we haven’t seen the last of Bumpy O’Cranium who will, one presumes, be testifying during the Mattis hearings about how Mattis’s skull indicates extreme aggression.
And how that’s a good thing. I stand before you with tears in my eyes…
Lovely, as usual.
I’m having trouble telling where truth ends and fiction begins.
Please tell me, does it matter?
I still wanna know if phrenology specialists are over represented in Mensa. I’m just laying down a marker here so that I can refer to it when I don’t get an answer and have to scream later.
What a crack-up!
I hereby make a motion that Rep Darrell Issa (R-CA) (Net Worth $357 million) chair the $enate Judiciary Committee.
In order to nominate someone for that position, don’t you have to have a net worth at least equal to . . . . Hey, wanna be friends?
Sure. And, oh by the way, I won’t ask about your net worth if you don’t ask about mine.
Humour. Humans. Humus. Such a difficult concept.
Hummus, humungous, homunclous — try those on for size.
Another stellar post. TY for making me smile while you tell the truth about government.
But it doesn’t get you a lot of answers.
Thanks for the comments, everyone. I am extremely needy, and I savor each comment like a fine dollop of non-Listeria-laced Blue Bell Ice Cream, the finest ice cream available in this suburb of the spiral galaxy known as the Milky Way. Posting on Ricochet and getting feedback is the most fun I have ever had with my clothes on, and I thank you very much. Oh, my longtime pals E. Hobart Calhoun, Hans “Bumpy” O’Cranium, Phil A. “Buster” Mignon, and the long-suffering Sarah Bellum, thank you as well. My other useful idiots, including my electrician and computer consultant, Kyle O. Watt; my college basketball coach, Al E. Oops; my favorite Registrar of Voters, Cameron “Cam” Payne; my family’s doctor, D.T. Munchausen, M.D.; my primary technology investor, R.N. D. Fundingburk; my public relations consultant, the comely Robin “Hood” Wink; my auto and drone mechanic, Milo Fields; and my primary investor, currency trader George “Sore” Loser. We all thank you, and look forward to seeing all of you at our next Mensa meeting. Yours truly….
So, how many of these columns will it take to make a decent-sized book?
I like it! More Senate hearings, please. Rich ground for plowing, I think.