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“You’ve got to make the President-Elect aware of what’s going on out there,” I stressed to Prince Ribald, incoming Chief of Staff. “There are nekkid people everywhere in America.”
“I didn’t see any on the way to work today,” Prince said.
“That’s because nekkid people don’t go to work. But, they’re out on the streets, showing everything they got. Buck nekkid.”
I say “buck nekkid” because I have done extensive research on whether the correct term is “buck nekkid” or “butt nekkid.” Etymologists agree that “buck nekkid” is found in literature going back hundreds of years and the “buck” originally referred to male deer, most of whom are nekkid, and later to young Native-American males. “Butt nekkid,” though erroneous, is widely accepted these days because no one really cares.
But back to the outbreak of nakedness. Last year, a man wearing nothing but a cowboy hat was arrested walking in the snowy travel lanes of I-75 in January in Michigan. In the recent past, a troop of 9 and 10-year-old Boy Scouts were hiking along a San Diego beach when they accidentally marched through a nude beach.
“These sound like isolated cases,” Prince said.
“Not so,” I insisted, my temples pounding. “Local governments are in on it. San Francisco issues a permit for its Nude Women’s Day Parade in April of each year; and every June, Portland has a gigantic Naked Bike Ride.”
“Ouch,” Prince said, squirming. “That sounds very uncomfortable.”
“Wake up, man,” I screamed. “It’s not just in North America. In the past year, naked flash mobs in London, Amsterdam, Vancouver, Melbourne, and other cities around the world gathered in public places and got nekkid as jaybirds. Public nudity is legal in Munich at times, and in Cap D’Agde, France, nudity is legal at all times and everywhere—not just beaches and public squares, but grocery stores, and coffee and doughnut shops. In the summer, all 40,000 people in Cape D’Agde are nekkid all the time.”
“The French have doughnut shops?” Prince asked, beginning to appreciate the seriousness of the situation.
“So,” I demanded, “what is the President-Elect going to do about it?”
“Let’s go ask Stevie Wonder O’Bannon,” Prince said, “he’s PEOTUS’s Chief Strategist and head of our All-Right division.”
We walked down the hall in Trump’s transition headquarters just blocks from the White House. As I passed an open door, I caught a glimpse of an attractive, slender blonde woman, entirely nude, talking on the phone.
“Was that Kellyanne…?”
“This way,” Prince said, hustling me into a huge corner office. Seated behind the desk was bare-chested Chief Strategist O’Bannon, wearing nothing but a bright red baseball cap with MAKE AMERICA ALL-RIGHT AGAIN.
“Stevie,” Prince said, “this is…
“Don’t get up,” I gushed, extending my hand across his desk. “Please.”
I took a seat and studied the deeply tanned former businessman and media analyst while Prince laid bare the situation. Stevie nodded, pushed back from his desk, and stood up to stare out of the window behind him. He was buck nekkid, tanned from head to toe, resembling a golden brown manatee.
“It’s time you both knew the truth,” Stevie said. “Kellyanne and I ran a marketing campaign for former House Majority Leader John Boehner’s “Tan All Year” phone app he patented his last year in office. The app emits a powerful bright light that bakes your entire body in minutes. Millions of people have downloaded the app. Boehner and George Hamilton are opening a chain of varicose vein clinics. With the growing use of the phone app, people will be stripping butt naked to show their tans, and they’ll want to lose their ugly veins. Big D, Kellyanne, and I invested early. When it IPOs, we’ll make millions.”
“It’s buck nekkid,” I said to Stevie, understanding for the first time why PEOTUS, Big D, always sports such a nice tan.
“Big D and the entire White House staff will use the app throughout the first term, and be tanned and naked at all times,” Stevie said, scratching his bare derriere. “We’ll be the most transparent administration in history.”
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