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Secretaire D’Etat
I don’t know how to sugarcoat this, so I’m just going to come out and tell you: it is becoming more apparent every day that former Massachusetts senator, Vietnam Swift Boat hero, Mensa co-founder, and ardent Francophile John Kerry will not be named Secretary of State in the incoming Trump administration.
In my now daily sessions with my long-time psychiatrist, fellow Mensa member, and Nobel Prize winner Dr. Sara E. Bellum, I have become extremely emotional in describing my sense of loss.
I’m also very disappointed in the missed opportunities by the Trump transition team, as evidenced by some of the other recently announced picks.
Governor Chris Christie was passed over for Secretary of Transportation, in spite of his unmatched expertise in controlling traffic flow on ramps leading to bridges across this great nation.
Former Egyptian President Mohamed Morsi, Muslim Brotherhood leader, and current resident of an undisclosed Cairo hoosegow, apparently will not be heading up NASA. Sadly, the valuable outreach by NASA to Muslim nations “to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science…and math and engineering,” in the words of President Obama, will no longer be pursued by NASA. What a damned shame for our space agency.
There are other swings and misses by the Trump transition team.
Bernie Madoff would have been ideal to head up the SEC, given his extensive familiarity with SEC rules and regulations.
Rolling Stone reporter Sabrina Erdely, fresh from her insightful coverage of the UVA fraternity rape story, should have been named head of the US Information Agency (USIA), now known as the Broadcasting Board of Governors. And I had assumed former Durham, NC District Attorney Mike Nifong, who prosecuted those vile Duke rapists, would have been a lock for Attorney General.
It goes without saying, but I’m saying it anyway, that Homeland Security could do much worse than being led by the guy who walked off with a bucket containing $1.6 million of gold flakes from the back of an armored truck on West 48th Street in New York City on the last day of November. As soon as the FBI learns his name, it is my hope that he will be nominated. And the armed guard who inadvertently enabled the theft by running to get his cell phone at the front of the armored truck—he would be the obvious choice to lead TSA into the 21st Century.
But these misses by the Trump transition team, as obvious as they are, pale in comparison with the failure to re-appoint Secretary of State Jean Kerry.
Jean is now officially the most-traveled Secretary of State in history, eclipsing the formidable mileage amassed by his predecessor, who reportedly slept through most of the trips. He’s also surpassed the travels of Secretary of State Thomas Jefferson, who served from 1790-1793, and racked up scores of nautical miles on friggin’ frigates in the service of the State Department.
Fleeting images of Jean in action bring tears to my eyes:
Jean in Antarctica in 2016, resplendent in his red parka, halting his entourage to allow a flock of penguins to pass, the Secretary single-handedly carrying the fight against global warming to the coldest place on earth;
Jean at NASA in 2004 in the midst of his race for President, clad in a full-body baby blue bunny suit condom, emerging from a hatch on the space shuttle Discovery, brutally upstaging former candidate Mike Dukakis and his historic 1988 tank ride;
Jean toe-tapping his size 22 brogans in time with James Taylor’s “You’ve Got a Friend” at an exclusive concert for French President François Hollande in January 2015 after the Charlie Hebdo massacre in Paris.
Et enfin, Jean windsurfing back and forth off the coast of Nantucket in 2004.
I guess I should be grateful for the time we had with Monsieur Le Secretaire D’Etat. I owe him for so many things. For instance, until he appeared at the US Capitol in the Fulbright Hearings on Viet Nam in 1971, I had been pronouncing “Genghis” in Genghis Khan with a hard G. Thanks to his leadership, I now use a soft G, as in “Jen-Jis Khan.” Jean showed me the way.
I could go on, but I’m late for my session with Dr. Bellum. I can hardly wait to tell her about my nightmare that Angela Merkel had been nominated by the Trump transition team to head up Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
Michael Henry Copyright © 2016
Published in Humor
Oh yeah. Forgot about him.
Well that says it all, doesn’t it?
I’m very disappointed by this news, which means a lack of continuity in our foreign policy. Also, it means fewer James Taylor serenades for foreign leaders – imagine how damaging that will be to our prestige.
I’ve never been more shocked.
Is Cheers still in Boston? Maybe Kerry can meet up with James Taylor and have a beer while he sings You’ve Got a Friend……..
Well, there is something to be said for Germans and enforcement, but her personal philosophy might be a bit lacking for verve on the subject.
And perhaps one of his grandchildren for border control. Their deep appreciation for people of color and mastery of line management is inspiration for us all. I hear ICE already receives its orders in crayon.
This is wonderful – thank you!
Time to syndicate.
I just wish you would give us a warning. I imagined that you had insider information and your first words engendered that panicky feeling that arises whenever I think that Trump might nominate Mitt.
And you speak and read and write French, too? The proverbial triple threat!
How are any of us normal people going to compete? Skippy (@skipsul) and the Dime (@10cents) don’t really stand a chance.
It’s not fair.
This is my favorite part. it is hard to watch a record broken.
Also, you forgot to mention that Monsieur Kerry’s initials are JFK. He was robbed of the presidency — he should have had it by acclamation.
Having lived in Boston for about 20 years, your mention of JFK reminds me that even other Democratic politicians did not like Kerry and his egotistical ways. They joked that JFK stood for Just For Kerry.
You forgot this.
https://www.google.com/search?q=image+john+kerry+on+bike&espv=2&biw=1142&bih=717&tbm=isch&imgil=_UvRdDjjPtUrCM%253A%253BADxnDtzvmpwgQM%253Bhttp%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.bostonherald.com%25252Fnews_opinion%25252Fcolumnists%25252Fhowie_carr%25252F2014%25252F08%25252Fcarr_john_kerry_pedals_new_nantucket_photo_op&source=iu&pf=m&fir=_UvRdDjjPtUrCM%253A%252CADxnDtzvmpwgQM%252C_&usg=__vTAKyUXaFtQrksRjocdIdi0-1u0%3D&ved=0ahUKEwjv3uiF6urQAhUjwlQKHWqQAEcQyjcIJQ&ei=UpZMWO_tFaOE0wLqoIK4BA#imgrc=_UvRdDjjPtUrCM%3A
What a clown is this man. How the voters of my state could look past his early treason and elect him to the Senate is beyond me.
Oh my goshness dude, America’s got talent. Too funny.
Michael Henry Copyright © 2016
I really think you’d appreciate a nice fountain pen.
Not so fast on that appointment. Germans have a tendency to get a little squirrelly when it comes to national borders.
There’s still hope for the Trump administration. I’m betting Lena Dunham would jump at the chance to head the National Endowment for the Arts…what class! What possibilities!
MichaelHenry:
Funny story about this. A good Friend of mine, was good friends with the NASA photographer that followed Mr. Kerry around during this visit. When my friend asked what the photographer’s take on Kerry was, his response was ” He is not the sharpest fence-post”.
Regarding Genghis Khan, I used to work with a trio of older Bucharian immigrants who used to pronounce it “Chings-khan”, with the uvular “kh” as in “chutzpa”, and they come from a part of the world that ought to know.
In Bucharian, “Chings-khan” is how they say “Whatzisname”.
Exactly. It’s manifest destiny!
More like Teutonic happy feet.
Ta-may-to, ta-mah-to.
Doctor Roberts,
Thanks for the bicycle pictures. I enjoyed the stories about Jean’s accident in Europe somewhere, where he broke his femur but luckily was being followed by an entourage of medics, doctors, and minstrels.
People just hate bicycle outfits, and Jean certainly made this prejudice worse. People aren’t too fond of bicyclists, either, and again Jean made the situation worse. I’m going biking later today, but I’m not a politician, and I won’t be in some outfit. I’ll be in the woods, trying not to effect some pose or political statement.
@kcmulville @Mark @SaintAugustine @frontseatcat @arahant @iwalton @iwe @aaronmiller @sandy @larrykoler @doctorrobert @simontemplar @trumpusmaximusmeridiusdecimusabacus @Percival @mollys-mom @brianclendinen @podkayneofisrael @retaillawyer
Hey, folks, thanks for supporting Secretaire D’Etat and for your comments. Because of Mother Russia’s indispensable help in getting The D elected, and in light of the vicious fake news coming out about 100% of Russia’s athletes doping in the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics, I feel I must share with you the highlights of my post-election stay with Putin at his sumptuous dacha on the Black Sea. I’ve finally gotten over my week-long hangover sufficiently to set the record straight. At the risk of being a Posting Pig, I am posting HANGIN’ WITH PUTIN on the member feed right now. I hope you enjoy reading about my sojourn with Poot as much as I enjoyed experiencing it. Michael Henry
You’d want to spend as much time away from home considering who he’s married to.
@trumpusmaximusmeridiusdecimusabacus
Actually its @pseudodionysius, its the short form of trumpus where all the letters are silent.
Don’t forget the spicy Russian Mustard. Rumor has it the Ruskies eat it with Trump Steak and Idaho potatoes, stuffed with tasty election ballots.
We’re lazy people, @michaelhenry You have to give us a link:
http://ricochet.com/395908/hangin-with-putin/
@arahant Please accept my most humble apology. Thoughtless on my part. Even though you posted a link, here it is again: http://ricochet.com/395908/hangin-with-putin/ Now, @arahant, get some rest. Michael P.S. And, here’s a link to a shirtless Putin astride a horse, exactly as I remember him in Sochi on R&R, except horse was black.https://www.google.com/search?q=putin+shirtless&biw=988&bih=586&tbm=isch&imgil=VaISFZmZxmEZTM%253A%253BpHWgdEHUTiUK8M%253Bhttp%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.businessinsider.com%25252F39-photos-of-vladimir-putin-2013-3&source=iu&pf=m&fir=VaISFZmZxmEZTM%253A%252CpHWgdEHUTiUK8M%252C_&usg=__YJayb-IPg4Vf6yVbdSoHZOFGDps%3D&ved=0ahUKEwi84-Dy8ezQAhUFwiYKHYDFDkoQyjcIJQ&ei=_apNWPzwFIWEmwGAi7vQBA#imgrc=VaISFZmZxmEZTM%3A
Seems like a lot of letters and numbers, but what do I know. @arahant : if you know how to copy and paste one of these pics to HANGIN’ WITH PUTIN, I would appreciate it. Muchas gracias.
Let’s see if the editors promote it and what they do as far as pictures.