Don’t Do Dew

 

Friends don’t let friends drink Mountain Dew.  Put aside your worries over pot, or cocaine, or crystal meth, there is a far more dangerous street drug out there, and it is legal for sale to even minors.  It is dangerous, addictive, and should be banned for a wide variety of reasons.  I speak from experience as a recovering Dewer.  Yes, I too used to ride the Green Dragon.  I know too well the horrors that stem from chugging even a single can of the Lizard.  I too have woken up with a caffeine withdrawal headache in a strange cabin wondering what the hell I did the night before, with my stomach reminding me that whatever it was, I was regretting it now, and the only quick cure being another hit of Jade Mischief.  There is nothing quite so horrible suffering through the shamrock shakes when you’re forced to go cold turkey, as you crave for one more, just one more please, of the Kermit Nectar.  For the love of any children in your life, keep them away from chartreuse chanteuse.

When I was a child, it used to be pushed as “Dew it country cool!” and “Do the Dew” (eww), and it was always shown on TV as being the catalyst for wild rural fun.  And my friends whispered of its magical powers to keep you awake all night long, but it has a sinister side.  It has been more recently pushed to my own children under the slogan “Kickstart the night”, and this is perhaps a bit more honest of the sorts of mayhem this green mayhem can cause.  Thankfully, modern science has finally untangled the secrets of this verdant horror, and I here present them to you.

  1. It is iridescent green – that can’t be good for you. It looks like fizzy antifreeze.
  2. It clearly does not come from mountains, at least none I’ve visited (and I’ve been to quite a few).
  3. It might come from mountain people, in which case you really should not drink it.
  4. Its more concentrated form (Kick) is no longer street legal and was known to lead to hallucinations and delusions of grandeur.
  5. Worst of all, it is a proven gateway drug to dangerous and addictive junk food, like Cool Ranch Doritos.

These are 5 well-sourced and consistent reasons (though I suspect @franksoto will still quibble). If only my parents had known, I might have been spared the horrors of my agonizing journey from casual use, through darkest emerald addiction, and back again into warm yellow (and not at all green) light of the sun of recovery.

It all started at a family reunion picnic, when a cousin proffered me a kelly bottle of a fragrant soda and enticed me to drink it.  Normally my mother did not allow me to consume much in the way of soda, and even then I was safely kept to the known goodness of Coke as she deemed that products of Pepsico were rightly suspect.  But she was not looking, and I had no idea that the demon chemists at Pepsi were behind this potion, and so I chugged.  Before long I was hallooing my way through the park woods, my shirt abandoned with my dignity and my teddy bear.  When I came down off that high, I had to be dragged inert to the family station wagon, deep in the embrace of Morpheus.

I wanted more!  From then on, I would sneak bottles, and later cans of the stuff whenever I could locate it.  When I reached high school I could feed my growing lusts for the stuff right from the cafeteria soda dispenser, and soon I was eschewing even Chili Day in favor of my myrtle nectar.  It was never enough.  My first year of college, though, was where I finally lost even any pretense of control.  The need to stay up late and study, or game, or try vainly for dates, served as the excuse I clung to as I justified pouring gallons of the toxic citron fizz down my gullet.

I finally knew I had a problem when I was home that December on Christmas break, after a surreal night involving a pickup truck, a blizzard, several firearms and swords, a cabin deep in the woods, a deck of cards, and a misplaced sense of priorities when it came to purchasing provisions.  My friend (the same one who conspired with me on the fireworks) had a grandfather who owned a cabin in the Mohican hills area (@trink and @westernchauvinist know the area), and he would let us use it whenever we wanted.  Its location deep in a wooded valley also gave us a natural shooting range as it is hard to beat a 100ft hill as a backstop.  Our plan was to go there right after Christmas with a couple of rifles, stopping along the way at the IGA where my sister worked, both to harass her a bit and to lay in a bunch of food and drink to tide us over.  As I had gotten an antique cavalry sabre for Christmas, we brought that too along with a similar sword he borrowed from his father.

We didn’t check the weather before we left, so the windy flurries we encountered by the time we reached the IGA did not bother us.  Not being the wisest 18 year olds, and not having the inclination to do any cooking, we settled on ready-made essentials: a six-pack of Kick, a six-pack of Mountain Dew, a platter of shrimp, an extra jar of cocktail sauce, some other sundries, and some new decks of cards as the old ones at the cabin were a bit thin and we didn’t want to be playing canasta without full decks.  We duly annoyed my sister by making her ring us out, and she could only respond with a skeptical eye roll and a call to the manager to throw us out.

The roads got worse as we drove north, and I had to get out and lock the hubs on the 4×4 Chevy we had borrowed from my parents.  We kept on moving, and the towns we passed got smaller and smaller, then we turned onto gravel roads and the towns ceased altogether.  We nearly missed the driveway for the cabin, due to the snow, and we had to floor it to make it up the steep hill.  We gave up and left the truck some 30 yards away from the steps, and trundled on foot the rest of the slope, carrying our meagre provisions (minus the 4 cans of Kick consumed along the trip).

The cabin was bitterly cold inside, but we had power at least to get the lights on and run the water pump.  We also had light enough to find the woodpile and load up the old iron stove in the center of the one big room.  As we thawed, we dealt out the cards.  As we played the cards, we cracked open the shrimp ring.  When the game had reached that nearly interminable end stage, and when we had cracked open those first cans of harlequin rotgut, our minds turned inexorably to the issue of the food.

“Balance!” I shouted, “We lack balance in our comestibles!  See here, our shrimp ring doth diminish in diameter.”

“Indeed, my friend, indeed.  We have consumed the outer orbit, and if we do not curtail our munchings we shall be left with a surfeit of this cocktail spread.”  

We mused on this.

“Aha!” said I, “See over there, that packet of yon Keebler Soft Batch Chocolate Chip cookies?”

“The one in the livid red foil?”

“The very same.  I do propose we immerse said cookies in this most excellent dipping sauce, that we might again have balance.”

We did so, and my friend exclaimed, “Ech!  This is most awful a combination!  At once sweet, yet at once sour.  Yet it is strangely compelling.”  We had several more in this same manner, then he observed, “and yet our feast will soon wobble again, for there are still many confections in this packet, and yet our shrimp ring is much reduced to its innermost circumference.”

We pondered awhile again.

“I have it!” I shouted, and thereupon I seized upon a shrimp, swished it in the sauce, and slapped it on a cookie.  As my friend stared aghast, I placed another chip wafer on top of the shrimp, and then I did eat of it.

“My friend, your face does pucker and wince.”

“No, really, it’s great!  Here, you try it!”

Thus was born a midnight snack of legendary badness, the infamy of which has haunted us lo these 20+ years.  The rest of the evening passed in a haze, while the storm pounded on.  At some point we passed out, yet we awoke again some hours later to a strange glow, though it was still night outside.  The stove was glowing a dark orange from the heat, and a thermometer on the wall read 115F.  We adjusted the dampers and cracked open a window before going back to sleep.

 

With morning came the bright sun, sparkling over the valley below us, and after the last of the antifreeze-green Dew for breakfast we set up our shooting range and whiled away the morning, exploding frozen jugs of water that we’d left on the porch the night before for just this purpose (ice + hollowpoints = great times!).  For the last two jugs we tried out the swords, but by then the buzz was wearing off, and all that remained in the cabin was instant coffee of indeterminate age.  It was time to leave.  We loaded our gear back into the truck, eased her out of the valley, and headed for Millwood, a small town where we knew they had a diner, one that served burgers… and soda.

After that weekend we swore off the Dew.  The DDDT’s (De-Dew-De-Tox) were rough, but we knew it would be worth it, especially when we turned 21 and could find out how much we hated Heineken.

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  1. Titus Techera Contributor
    Titus Techera
    @TitusTechera

    skipsul: Yes, I too used to ride the Green Dragon. I know too well the horrors that stem from chugging even a single can of the Lizard. I too have woken up with a caffeine withdrawal headache in a strange cabin wondering what the hell I did the night before, with my stomach reminding me that whatever it was, I was regretting it now, and the only quick cure being another hit of Jade Mischief. There is nothing quite so horrible suffering through the shamrock shakes when you’re forced to go cold turkey, as you crave for one more, just one more please, of the Kermit Nectar. For the love of any children in your life, keep them away from chartreuse chanteuse.

    I think this breaks the CoC limits for clever monikers. I’m gonna hafta go ahead & write you a citation…

    • #1
  2. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Avoid Mountain Dew…

    Image result for elvgren pepsi

     

    • #2
  3. Titus Techera Contributor
    Titus Techera
    @TitusTechera

    ‘Strangely compelling’ is a good word for this story. Like certain smells poor pilgrim souls cannot help but attempt to trace to a source…

    • #3
  4. TheRightNurse Member
    TheRightNurse
    @TheRightNurse

    But you forgot the best of the Dew….CODE RED.

    • #4
  5. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Mix Mountain Dew and Wild Turkey half and half, and put it in your freezer.  The Mountain Dew will freeze, the Wild Turkey will not.

    Wild Turkey with Mountain Dew ice.

    • #5
  6. Titus Techera Contributor
    Titus Techera
    @TitusTechera

    Judge Mental:Mix Mountain Dew and Wild Turkey half and half, and put it in your freezer. The Mountain Dew will freeze, the Wild Turkey will not.

    Wild Turkey with Mountain Dew ice.

    This reminds me about the time when I was making time with this girl & we pulled out frozen vodka out of a fridge. I think maybe people do things different where you come from…

    • #6
  7. Titus Techera Contributor
    Titus Techera
    @TitusTechera

    So this story is enough to encourage a Warren Zevon binge

    • #7
  8. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Titus Techera:

    Judge Mental:Mix Mountain Dew and Wild Turkey half and half, and put it in your freezer. The Mountain Dew will freeze, the Wild Turkey will not.

    Wild Turkey with Mountain Dew ice.

    This reminds me about the time when I was making time with this girl & we pulled out frozen vodka out of a fridge. I think maybe people do things different where you come from…

    I was just pointing out that there is more than one way to get a hangover with Mountain Dew.

    • #8
  9. Matt Balzer Member
    Matt Balzer
    @MattBalzer

    Judge Mental:

    Titus Techera:

    Judge Mental:Mix Mountain Dew and Wild Turkey half and half, and put it in your freezer. The Mountain Dew will freeze, the Wild Turkey will not.

    Wild Turkey with Mountain Dew ice.

    This reminds me about the time when I was making time with this girl & we pulled out frozen vodka out of a fridge. I think maybe people do things different where you come from…

    I was just pointing out that there is more than one way to get a hangover with Mountain Dew.

    When I was originally in Kuwait, some of our equipment was sent back via ship, which meant we had to provide people to watch it. A friend of mine pulled that detail, which happened over the New Year. He later claimed they drank Mountain Dew and Listerine since that was the only thing they could get in-country.

    • #9
  10. Titus Techera Contributor
    Titus Techera
    @TitusTechera

    Matt Balzer:

    Judge Mental:

    Titus Techera:

    Judge Mental:Mix Mountain Dew and Wild Turkey half and half, and put it in your freezer. The Mountain Dew will freeze, the Wild Turkey will not.

    Wild Turkey with Mountain Dew ice.

    This reminds me about the time when I was making time with this girl & we pulled out frozen vodka out of a fridge. I think maybe people do things different where you come from…

    I was just pointing out that there is more than one way to get a hangover with Mountain Dew.

    When I was originally in Kuwait, some of our equipment was sent back via ship, which meant we had to provide people to watch it. A friend of mine pulled that detail, which happened over the New Year. He later claimed they drank Mountain Dew and Listerine since that was the only thing they could get in-country.

    Plausible.

    • #10
  11. Matt Balzer Member
    Matt Balzer
    @MattBalzer

    Titus Techera:

    Matt Balzer:

    Judge Mental:

    Titus Techera:

    Judge Mental:Mix Mountain Dew and Wild Turkey half and half, and put it in your freezer. The Mountain Dew will freeze, the Wild Turkey will not.

    Wild Turkey with Mountain Dew ice.

    This reminds me about the time when I was making time with this girl & we pulled out frozen vodka out of a fridge. I think maybe people do things different where you come from…

    I was just pointing out that there is more than one way to get a hangover with Mountain Dew.

    When I was originally in Kuwait, some of our equipment was sent back via ship, which meant we had to provide people to watch it. A friend of mine pulled that detail, which happened over the New Year. He later claimed they drank Mountain Dew and Listerine since that was the only thing they could get in-country.

    Plausible.

    I believe him, I’m just saying since I wasn’t there I don’t have any way to verify said rumors.

    • #11
  12. Matt Balzer Member
    Matt Balzer
    @MattBalzer

    Titus Techera:

    skipsul: Yes, I too used to ride the Green Dragon. I know too well the horrors that stem from chugging even a single can of the Lizard. I too have woken up with a caffeine withdrawal headache in a strange cabin wondering what the hell I did the night before, with my stomach reminding me that whatever it was, I was regretting it now, and the only quick cure being another hit of Jade Mischief. There is nothing quite so horrible suffering through the shamrock shakes when you’re forced to go cold turkey, as you crave for one more, just one more please, of the Kermit Nectar. For the love of any children in your life, keep them away from chartreuse chanteuse.

    I think this breaks the CoC limits for clever monikers. I’m gonna hafta go ahead & write you a citation…

    I’d make comments about each of them, but some I don’t want to think too much about.

    • #12
  13. Matt Balzer Member
    Matt Balzer
    @MattBalzer

    Judge Mental:Mix Mountain Dew and Wild Turkey half and half, and put it in your freezer. The Mountain Dew will freeze, the Wild Turkey will not.

    Wild Turkey with Mountain Dew ice.

    So wouldya call that a Cold Turkey?

    • #13
  14. (((Cat III))) Member
    (((Cat III)))
    @CatIII

    • #14
  15. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Matt Balzer:

    Judge Mental:Mix Mountain Dew and Wild Turkey half and half, and put it in your freezer. The Mountain Dew will freeze, the Wild Turkey will not.

    Wild Turkey with Mountain Dew ice.

    So wouldya call that a Cold Turkey?

    Most people call it Wild Turkey and Mountain Dew.

    • #15
  16. Matt Balzer Member
    Matt Balzer
    @MattBalzer

    skipsul: After that weekend we swore off the Dew. The DDDT’s (De-Dew-De-Tox) were rough, but we knew it would be worth it, especially when we turned 21 and could find out how much we hated Heineken.

    Didn’t have to wait until I was 21 for that. I may or may not have had one since then, but I did get one in an airport bar in Amsterdam.

    • #16
  17. Matt Balzer Member
    Matt Balzer
    @MattBalzer

    Matt Balzer:

    skipsul: After that weekend we swore off the Dew. The DDDT’s (De-Dew-De-Tox) were rough, but we knew it would be worth it, especially when we turned 21 and could find out how much we hated Heineken.

    Didn’t have to wait until I was 21 for that. I may or may not have had one since then, but I did get one in an airport bar in Amsterdam.

    Obligatory, also content warning.

    • #17
  18. TheRightNurse Member
    TheRightNurse
    @TheRightNurse

    Apparently, I’m the only one who is thinking this:

    • #18
  19. (((Cat III))) Member
    (((Cat III)))
    @CatIII

    You keep referring to Mountain Dew as green, but only the bottle is green. The liquid is yellow like urine.

    As a kid, we didn’t have Mountain Dew in the house, being good Mormons* and all. When I had it, I liked it. Years ago at work, the vending machine was out of Coke, so I decided to return to our old friend MD after a years-long estrangement. Blech! It’s awful. Yet another example of something not holding up in adulthood.

    *In one of the Mormon indie movies, Singles Ward I think, there’s a scene of someone spiking punch with Mountain Dew.

    • #19
  20. Brian Clendinen Inactive
    Brian Clendinen
    @BrianClendinen

    • #20
  21. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Well, I must say that reading that was an interesting adventure.

    Given my strange biochemistry, I never had those sorts of issues with Mountain Dew.

    Still, I would have loved to have had video of your little weekend at the cabin.

    • #21
  22. Joe P Member
    Joe P
    @JoeP

    Judge Mental:Mix Mountain Dew and Wild Turkey half and half, and put it in your freezer. The Mountain Dew will freeze, the Wild Turkey will not.

    Wild Turkey with Mountain Dew ice.

    That’s disgusting.

    Now I have to try that.

    • #22
  23. Henry Castaigne Member
    Henry Castaigne
    @HenryCastaigne

    According to J.D. Vance in Hillbilly Elegy, young children with neglectful parents drink Mountain Dew all of the time and develop Mountain Dew Mouth.

    • #23
  24. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    I was a Mountain Dew junkie.  All the same problems.  I had to manage when I was on a caffeine high so that I could stay awake in staff meetings.

    I finally quit using all caffeine. Cold turkey in March of 1989.

    I pretty much became a mellow guy.  I wonder if this affected my success in life.

    • #24
  25. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    TheRightNurse:But you forgot the best of the Dew….CODE RED.

    Used to drink that often enough. Never understood the dangerous/magical elixir properties associated with it. All it did for me was to make me sleepy, but that was before I fully understood my biochemistry.

    • #25
  26. Publius Inactive
    Publius
    @Publius

    skipsul: It might come from mountain people, in which case you really should not drink it.

    Aw, crap. Soylent Green really is people then?

    • #26
  27. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Henry Castaigne:According to J.D. Vance in Hillbilly Elegy, young children with neglectful parents drink Mountain Dew all of the time and develop Mountain Dew Mouth.

    Used to happen out in the French sugar islands, too. As in the case of Rose Tascher de la Pagerie.

    • #27
  28. Austin Murrey Inactive
    Austin Murrey
    @AustinMurrey

    I really worry about @skipsul sometimes.

    Mostly when I realize how long he spent thinking up sinister sounding names for Mountain Dew to make it sound like opium.

    If I ever open a pot store though I’m hiring him as a branding consultant.

    “Oh, you want a little kick? Try our Kermit Dragon – a blend out of California’s Placer County.”

    • #28
  29. Penfold Member
    Penfold
    @Penfold

    I stopped reading at “chartreuse chanteuse”.  I wanted to go on, but knew it was not going to get better.  By the way, Fresca is the drink of choice for any proper conservative.

    • #29
  30. mezzrow Member
    mezzrow
    @mezzrow

    • #30
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