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Which Monster Gets Your Vote?
Recently Jonah Goldberg said that choosing between the leading presidential candidates was like choosing between Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers. I promise, though, this is not another “who to vote for in the real world” post. Since it’s October, the question is “which monster would you vote for?”
Not all monsters are created equal, so I’ve created a Monster Primary System for different kinds of monsters. Over the few days I’ll be presenting different categories, including Psychotic Killers and Giant Monsters, but for today:
Primary 1 – Golden Age Universal Monsters
- Frankenstein’s Monster (first appeared in 1931) — He’s like Calvin Coolidge, a man of few words. A man of many parts, he does have an “abnormal” way of thinking. Many are drawn to his electric personality.
- Count Dracula (1931) — In a year when people are supposedly opposed to the “Establishment,” will they want a member of the aristocracy? He is undeniably charming and a snazzy dresser. Will his accent scare people off? Also not helpful: his reputation as a “blood sucker” in his tax policy.
- The Phantom of the Opera (1925) — He’s a lover of the arts and someone who might respect women even more than the current Republican candidate, though his use of a mask has led him to be called “two-faced.” Quite reasonably.
- Dr. Jack Griffin, aka The Invisible Man (1933) — Like the Rands, Griffin has a medical degree. Also like the Rands, he’s certifiable.
- Lawrence Talbot, aka The Wolfman (1941) – Here’s an All American kind of guy, but every once in a while he’s — well — not just a dog, but a wolf. And we’ve learned that you can’t keep that kind of thing quiet any more.
- The Creature from the Black Lagoon — Okay, so he’s not at all human. Are you some kind of species-ist?
- Dr. Henry Jekyll/Mr. Hyde (1920) — So he’s not actually a Universal Monster. He did time at Paramount and MGM. And he does have a split personality. Like the Clintons originally promised, you get two for the price of one. Perhaps the good Doctor could handle domestic policy and Hyde foreign policy?
- Quasimodo, aka The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923) — He’s overcome physical disablities to get where he is today. He can certainly relate to the working man. He’s not much of a listener though.
- Imhopep aka The Mummy (1932) – Maybe it’s time for someone who really understands the Middle Eastern Mind. He also knows something about heath care costs, as he is always pricing band-aids.
- The Bride of Frankenstein (1935) – It’s time for a female monster. That’s all you need to know.
Frankenstein’s Monster seems like he’d be a better fit for Congress. I’d go with the Invisible Man, who would be a welcome antidote to our current Narcissist.
I don’t see Godzilla which means the system is rigged.
@pseudodionysius Well, the system is rigged, of course, but Godzilla will be in the Giant Monster primary in the next couple of days.
Count Dracula. We’ve already voted for many blood suckers, might as well vote for a professional.
The pantsuit wearing Bride of Rapenstein.
Frankenstein’s Monster, because he understood the two concepts necessary to govern: FIRE and FRIEND.
Well, maybe the Invisible Man, who would be most likely to live up to his promise to have “the most transparent administration ever”
(sorry)
The Phantom. Yes, he is as ugly as sin and utterly amoral, but he is among the smartest of the bunch, and unlike Griffin and Jekyll, he has knowledge beyond the sciences. He understands people and knows how to manipulate them. A sense of the theatrical never hurts.
Count Dracula is cursed by G-d and I think we really need him on our side. Frankenstein has too many daddy issues. The Mummy doesn’t respect democracy and he can’t get the Jewish vote in Florida. The Bride of Frankenstein just has the woman card and I’m sick of the woman card. I feel like Quasimodo and the Creature from the Black Lagoon lack the language skills to rally Congress. I’m worried that the invisible man will take my Liberty while I’m not looking (or even while I’m looking.)
So that leaves me with the Phantom and the the Wolfman.
While I prefer Dracula because of various ethnic solidarities, I think the only one we can trust is Dr. Jekyll. At least he will be good most of the time.
You sure know how to make the choice difficult. I’m going to go with Larry Talbot. He can write, has a good knowledge of American and British society, so he can contact his UK relatives in the House of Lords and help negotiate our response to the Brexit. And when the moon is right, we just drop him off outside the homes of prominent Democrats.
I think that he’ll be in the next round. I just hope he’s the Classic Gojira and not Shin Gojira. Shin Gojira scares me.
I’d vote for the fearsome dictator of Planet Pluke. (His name is PJ, if I remember correctly, even though there is no J in Russian.)
Yeah, but on character alone, Quasimodo has a serious advantage over the rest. And resourceful?
I vote for the Phantom of the Opera. I believe that his three point plan to:
will bring needed change to Washington.
The hunchback of Notre Dame. Quasimodo is an abandoned child left at Notre Dame and adopted by Archdeacon Claude Frollo. Hideously deformed, he has a giant humpback, a protrusion coming out of his chest, and a giant wart that covers one of his eyes. He is also deaf. His heart is pure, and this purity is linked to the cathedral itself. Indeed, his love for Notre Dame’s bells and for the beautiful sound of their ringing represents his only form of communication. The whole of Paris ironically enjoys Quasimodo’s singing while at the same time detesting him for his ugliness. His name literally means “half-made”.
Frankenstein’s Monster – least unstoppable of all the monster.
And I feel like the Invisible Man is always hiding something.
Miss me yet? My inter-religious dialogue consists of putting my feet up on my nice new Ottoman, eating bacon wrapped shrimp and reading about the Battle at the Gates of Vienna.
No Kaiju? Tottoto dete ike!
Lawrence Talbot at least the timing of his mayhem is predictable.
@pseudodionysius I see what you did there. Ottoman.
Sir, are you the Phantom?
Alas, I never had that much luck with the ladies. I’d be more of a Gillman.