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Family Feud: Debate Edition (Excerpts)
ANNOUNCER: It’s the Family Feud! With the Clinton family — Hillary, Bill, Chelsea, Huma, and Cheryl! And the Trump family — Donald, Melania, Ivanka, Don Jr., and Eric! On your marks: let’s start… The Family Feud! Here’s the star of Family Feud, Richard Dawson!
RICHARD DAWSON: Thank you, thank you. It’s my pleasure to be moderating this presidential debate. Let’s meet our favorite, the Clintons. Hillary, you look lovely this evening. Tell us about yourself.
HILLARY CLINTON: Hi, Richard. You know, I’ve done many things in my life. I’ve been a First Lady, a Senator, a Secretary of State, and a woman. But nothing is more important to me than being a the first woman presidential candidate of a major party, and a role model to girls and women everywhere.
RD: Well, women are the most important thing, aren’t they? Good luck to you, dear. And who is this gentleman standing next to you?
HRC: Oh, that’s my partn– husband, Bill.
RD: Bill, nice to meet you. And what do you do?
BILL CLINTON: Richard, I travel the world for the Clinton Global Initiative. We bring together good ideas to help make the world a better place. I give speeches. And when I travel, I love to see the sights, if you know what I mean, Richard.
RD: I sure do, Bill, I sure do. And who is this lovely lady to your left?
WJC: This is my daughter, Chelsea.
RD: Welcome, Chelsea. Tell us about yourself.
CHELSEA CLINTON: I’m a mother. That makes my Mom a relatable grandma, right? Oh, and she made me CEO of the Clinton Foundation. I could never really get into the whole working for money thing.
RD: Money, money, money…. If only we could get paid just for looking pretty! Speaking of which… who is this pretty lady next to you?
CC: That’s my mom’s girlfr– er, fixer– er, assistant, Huma.
RD: Huma, Huma, what a beautiful name. Don’t you look lovely today. Are you married?
HUMA ABEDIN: I’m sort of married to my job.
RD: In that case, you must love what you do! Well, someday maybe you’ll find a lucky man. All you’d need to do is post a picture, I’m sure! Now, this lady on your left is…?
HA: Cheryl, Hil’s chief of staff.
RD: Cheryl, what a pleasure. Tell us about yourself.
CHERYL MILLS: I’m Hillary’s best friend. And her lawyer. But certainly not her co-conspirator. FBI Director Comey made that clear. We have plausible deniability.
RD: Very nice, very nice. Now, let’s meet the Trump family….
* * *
RD: Heads of families, come on up! We posed a question to 100 Americans. The six most popular answers are up on the board. Your job is to identify the most popular answers. Are you ready? OK, here’s the question: What is the biggest problem facing America today– Hillary?
HRC: When I travel around the country, and meet regular, everyday people, they always tell me how glad they are that they have a woman as a role model. But they also tell me how very concerned they are about racism — inherent racism, systemic racism, intentional and unintentional racism, even racism from the Republican nominee.
RD: Show me… racism?
[Answer #6: RACISM. Audience applauds.]
RD: Donald?
DONALD TRUMP: I think Americans are afraid of ISIS. And I don’t blame them. ISIS is cleaning our clock, believe me. It’s bad. Really, really bad. This president has been terrible, and Hillary is one of the founders of ISIS. Believe me. I alone can fix it.
RD: Show me… ISIS?
[Answer #4: TERRORISM/ISIS/NATSEC. Audience applauds.]
RD: Donald, you get the choice. Play or pass?
DJT: I never pass, Richard. I’m a fighter.
RD: OK, then! Melania dear, did I tell you how lovely you look today?
MELANIA TRUMP: Yes, you did, Mr. Richard.
RD: Well you can never say it too much! I’m just taken with the size of those… diamonds. Melania, what is the top problem facing America?
MT: Those awful, horrible people in the media. They are horrible people.
[Trumps applaud and call “Good answer!” DJT nods approvingly.]
RD: Show me… the media!
[X!]
RD: Oh, so sorry. So sorry. Ivanka– you are absolutely stunning today. You say you’re married? My heart breaks. Anyway, 100 Americans. What do they say is America’s top problem?
IVANKA TRUMP: Thank you Richard, I’m so flattered. With regard to the question, I’d have to say, from the working moms I talk to, that the biggest problem today is the lack of quality, affordable childcare.
[Trumps applaud; “Yes!” DJT nods approvingly.]
RD: Show me… childcare!
[X X!]
CHELSEA CLINTON: Aw, that was a good one…!
RD: One more chance, Trump family. If you miss any more, the Clinton family gets the chance to steal. Junior, what do you say? The biggest problem facing America.
DONALD TRUMP JR.: The Jews.
[Cold look from Ivanka. Silence. Eventually Eric begins clapping. Other Trumps join in halfheartedly.]
RD: I guess everyone’s afraid of something…. Is it… the Jews?
[X X X!]
RD: Clintons, this is your chance to steal. The biggest problem facing America.
[Clinton family calls out answers: “Income inequality!” “Islamophobia!” “Climate change!” “Jobs!”]
RD: Hillary, I need your answer.
HRC: I’m going with racism, Richard.
RD: Hillary dear, that’s already on the board. Pick another, dear.
HRC: Of course, Richard. What I meant to say, of course, but I was misunderstood, is I’m going with guns.
[Other Clintons applaud. “Good answer! Good answer!”]
RD: They go bang, but are they scary? Show me… guns!
[X !]
[Trumps hug and celebrate]
RD: Now, let’s see the other answers…. Top answer was–
[Answer #1: ECONOMY/JOBS. Crowd “ohhs”. Dawson nods toward Bill, and Hillary scowls at him, as Bill grins smugly.]
RD: Number two?
[Answer #2: BROKEN GOVERNMENT.]
RD: What about that. Next?
[Answer #3: CAMPAIGN FINANCE. Clintons frown and nod knowingly to each other.]
RD: And finally….
[Answer #5: ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION. Trump family looks at each other, smiles and shrugs. Audience “ohhs”, then applauds.]
RD: After the break, point values are doubled, and the Clinton family will try to even it up! Don’t go away — we’ll be right back!
I was thinking more of Jerry Springer …….
Totally unrealistic. The Jews don’t make the top 6?!?
It’s possible they rigged the survey.
“Show me Deportable!”
“No, I said DEPLORABLE!”
XXX
Off topic, I apologize–but when The God Delusion came out to much hubbub, I misread the author’s name and thought it was Dawson instead of Dawkins. Which made me wonder why the title wasn’t:
Show Me God!
XXX
Hey! Being completely off-topic is MY schtick.
Or was that “utterly missing the point?”
One of those. Plus non sequiturs.
Likely so, for they are tricksy and false.
Or maybe that was hobbitses.
https://www.commentarymagazine.com/articles/the-secret-jews-of-the-hobbit/
I’m pretty sure I heard either or both candidates answer the question Why Should You Be President with
“We wants it…We needs it!”
We’re waiting!
Very funny, Speng.
That’s just what J.R.R. wants you to think!
BRAVO!!!!
The hobbits == the Jews, therefore The Lord of the Rings is an allegory for FDR’s abandonment of the gold standard!
Wait ’til I tell the guys over at InfoWars.
Does this mean the Riders of Rohan really are the Germans, like in Bored of the Ring?
No, it was the Dwarves are the Jews. Didn’t you read the article?
I believe their language was based on Anglo-Saxon.
Don’t be a word-that-rhymes-with-Bilbo.
Show me CoC and Humor!
XXX
My husband, who is reading over my shoulder, just said this.
I’m sorry I get carried away sometimes. Sorry to @percival but more importantly, my deepest apologies to CoC. I love CoC. The more I can get, the better it is.
Didn’t you read “that’s just what J.R.R. wants you to think?”
Show me… Email!
XXX
*Hillary, Huma and Cheryl smirk*
I can’t get the image of Richard Dawson kissing everyone on the lips out of my head.
RD: Okay folks, we’re back and on to round 2 where the points are doubled and the shame is halved. Ivanka, Bill? Please step up to the podium. Round 2’s question is this: What is the least honorable profession that is still legal? Ivanka, your team won the first round, you can answer first.
IVANKA: The [redacted] [redacted] Paparazzi! They never get my good side!
RD: Survey says! Wow, #8, with 2% of the respondents, bet those 2 were people you already know. Bill, your answer?
BILL: You know (chuckles, winks at Ivanka and points) I did not sleep with this woman either (winks at camera while Ivanka scowls). The American people have had a tough time finding jobs lately at all.
RD: So, do you have an answer?
BILL: Ivanka, when your father loses next month I could get you a job at the Clinton Foundation, I’m going to need a new personal assistant.” (Ivanka scowls)
RD: OK, personal assistant – survey says!
BILL: excuse me…
X
RD: And it’s over to the Trumps!
SOS, this is brilliant–keep it up!!!
Now, UC, that was very not nice–you’ve put the image in my head! Bleeaaahh! *shudder*
See @sonofspengler. I had some good suggestions.
@SOS – this is too, too good!
“My precious……..”
So SNL did this, too. I won’t plague you with it, because it was terrible. You’re still tops, Spengler.