Tonight the various contenders wishing to become president of the United States will get their first real test in the Iowa caucuses. The caucus (meaning “a gathering of Caucasians”) process involves Iowans grouping together to publicly debate which candidates have spent the most money in the state.
Following these impassioned discussions (frequently peppered with expletives like “gosh durn it!” and “hold on thar!”) the Republicans cast traditional secret ballots for their candidates, while the Democrats wave their hands in the air, shout, steal supporters from other groups, and eventually come to agreement via arm wrestling.
Still, the results in Iowa are very, very important because … uh … they’re first. Not because the state is a good predictor of national results (it isn’t), and not because the state has demographics that “look like America” (it doesn’t). But still, Iowa is first for a very good reason: because they called “dibs.”