Contributor Post Created with Sketch. Your Candidate Sucks, 2016 Edition

 

suckIn honor of National Review’s well-deserved takedown of Donald J. Trump, I bring you my own version.

However, rather than do the typical editorial thing where I advocate for this or that candidate, I think we need to do the opposite: determine which candidate at this point sucks the least. Merely for the sake of ripping off the band-aid, I’ll start with the Democrats.

Hillary Clinton (Secretary of State, Grandma)

Hillary Clinton sucks as a presidential candidate. The numbers don’t lie. You would certainly think that given her legendary prowess as a political operative, Hillary could sew the Democrat nomination up against a dyspeptic, geriatric socialist more quickly than she has, but there remains some small doubt.

So, the question is not “Does she suck?” as much as it is, “Just how much does she suck?” Consider how many bites at the apple she’s had: From getting booted off the Watergate investigation to HillaryCare, to “Vast Right Wing Conspiracy,” to being Fred Cole’s Senator, to losing to some random guy and then on to Benghazi and 1,000,000 miles worth of jet fuel incinerated … the woman has simultaneously managed to accomplish virtually nothing and bungled every single thing she’s ever touched — thus confirming Rush’s truism that failure is a qualification in Democrat circles. I guess she’s finally failed enough for them to nominate her.

Chance of winning the nomination: 9/10 — I mean, Sanders’ support could be deeper than it appears in the South, but given the Clintons’ track record he might develop some sort of rash or a sudden urge to spend more time with his family if things get uncomfortably close. There’s also the looming specter of possible indictment, but following the law is for mere mortals.

Bernie Sanders (Independent, weirdsville)

If Hillary Clinton sucks, Bernie Sanders has 6-peak horsepower worth of suck by comparison. Come to think of it, the available variety of shop-vacs is likely the main reason why so many children are starving in Africa … Either that or overwhelming deodorant choice has negated Bernie’s need for a new shirt. I’ve made no bones about my love for the Senator from Vermont, and I wish him well. That is most assuredly an endorsement that he does not want, and a guarantee of his ineffable suckitude. However, don’t take it from me: when you’ve lost Vox, your chances are likely nil.

Chance of winning the nomination: 0.9999/10 — Hillary could get hit by a bus in one of her (frequent) moments of confusion. However, there are too many hangers-on and other seekers after power trapped in orbit around her to allow her to wander unattended into traffic.

Martin O’Malley (Governor, Heartthrob)

Who?

Yeah, that pretty much says it all. This guy is way too white, young and male to get the Democrat nom at this point. If you squint, Sanders could at least pass for an elderly lady from Queens who hoovers down Virginia Slims, but there’s no denying O’Malley’s maleness … when not adulterated with progressive, beta-male self-hatred.

Chance of winning the nomination: Ha. O’Malley sucks so much he even loses to people who aren’t running. What are the chances that a meteor shower or other natural disaster will take out every other viable candidate, including Joe Biden? Prediction markets are open now! You could take a flyer and (maybe) strike it rich being as you didn’t win the PowerBall!

Now, for the Republicans. Boy, do we suck.

Donald Trump (Caucasian enthusiast)

I hate to even give the man more unearned media, but we have to discuss him. Donald Trump sucks in ways that are hard to describe without sounding dirty. It says a lot of not-nice things about us as a party and a nation that he is currently the leader in the polls for any major political party, let alone ours.

To explain the whirlpool-like efficiency with which Trump sucks, I can only say one thing: It seems that the most fervent supporters of the Donald are actually… disaffected Democrats? To wit:

He is strongest among Republicans who are less affluent, less educated and less likely to turn out to vote. His very best voters are self-identified Republicans who nonetheless are registered as Democrats.

Let me get this straight: Donald’s best supporters are poor, ill-educated slackers who … aren’t even Republicans? Sacré bleu!

Don’t let the fact that our ersatz leader is a guy who is favored by a bunch of Democrats dishearten you; there are still plenty of other people on our side who like the idea of handing a monkey a gun. It’s so exciting! You never know when, or in what direction the gun will go off! Some men just want to watch the world burn, but the trouble is, when you live with a Chimp and need to continuously feed it Xanax smoothies to keep it from gnawing on your face, inevitably the thing gets off its leash and bites the hand that feeds it. Off. Bites it off. Oof.

There’s nothing he can say that would ever penetrate his followers’ shields: He even pitched a movie at Liberty University, Corinthians 2: Return to Corinth and it hardly made a dent.

Chance of winning the nomination: 4/10 Yuuuge.

Four-foot long combovers are in. They’re the new mullet — except they’re party all around … and around and around and around. They’re so sexy that even Childless Spinster Ann Coulter’s wild heart has finally been tamed. Either that or she’s been driven mad with unrequited lust. Sarah Palin has no excuse for this, however.

Ted Cruz – (Senator, Texastan)

Ted Cruz is a singularity of suckiness — A black hole, if you will.

Stephen Hawking has shown mathematically that black holes eventually dissipate over time due to a phenomenon called “Hawking Radiation.” It seems that as particles approach the event horizon there is a sort of virtual particle exchange that occurs whereby some number of particles escape from the black hole resulting in the net loss of energy, and consequently mass. Thus, even black holes glow.

But not Ted Cruz’s heart.

No object in the known universe is as flinty and non-reflective as the horcrux in which Cruz has concealed a hacked-off bit of his immortal soul to protect him from harm, but this power has come at a terrible price.

Other people in the know understand and fear the eldritch magicks that Cruz has invoked in order to gain influence, and as a result, he’s the most popular man in the US Senate. It also seems that there is no principle great or small that cannot be sacrificed on the altar of the Senator’s unholy quest for political immortality.

Chance of winning the nomination: (+/-)π/2/10 (depending on legislative weather conditions)

Given how precise, affable, and down-to-earth Senator Cruz is, he’s sure to have a raft of people great and small lining up around the block to push him over the finish line. He’s my kind of guy.

Sen. Marco Rubio (Senator, hydrologist)

It’s appropriate that Sen. Rubio hails from Florida, home of many sinkholes. I mean, suckholes.

Full disclosure: The real reason Rubio sucks is because I like him. This is most assuredly the death knell for any presidential hopeful. After my principled candidate (Scott Walker) flamed out, I’ve decided that sheer, unadulterated cynicism will serve me better in my support of a candidate. Rubio is a young, good-looking white hispanic who has a cheerleader for a wife, a beautiful family, and a compelling backstory. He also possesses the Spear of Destiny. All of these factors conspire in such a fashion as to allow him to seduce voters from both sides of the aisle into voting for him. He’d be just as historic as … some other guy. So, what’s not to like?

In many regards he’s comparable to being a Barack Obama for us. A freshman Senator snookered by the Prince of Darkness surely has no place being president, right? All of the reasons that I gave above are the exact reasons why we shouldn’t be supporting a candidate, but this is bizzaro-world and the htraE might as well be a cube this year, so whatever. Go Marco!

Chance of winning the nomination: 3″ heels/10

Even if it’s low-hanging fruit (see what I did there?) the smallest faux pas could spell disaster for a candidate in this age of Kardashianized politics. Reality TV stars unite!

Other candidates?

¡Jeb! Bush. Loser. Low energy. Greater authorities than me have better condemned his evacuated husk of a campaign.

Ben Carson. We’ve talked about him already. Pyramids are hollow … But you know what they say: “No pain, no grain.” Right, Ben?

Chris Christie. I just can’t. The jokes write themselves with that much material.

John Kasich. The mail service sucks. Stop reminding people about it.

Does anybody else want to talk about candidates who suck?

There are 26 comments.

  1. TG Thatcher
    TG

    You have my vote as: Funny!

    • #1
    • January 22, 2016, at 10:31 AM PST
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  2. Vance Richards Member

    All of which means smooth sailing for the Gilmore campaign.

    “Gilmore: Because people can’t attack you when they don’t know who you are.”

    • #2
    • January 22, 2016, at 10:35 AM PST
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  3. livingtheLoneStarlife Inactive

    Vance Richards:All of which means smooth sailing for the Gilmore campaign.

    “Gilmore: Because people can’t attack you when they don’t know who you are.”

    Gilmore/Majestyk 2016!

    Now where do I get a bumper sticker?

    • #3
    • January 22, 2016, at 10:41 AM PST
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  4. Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Contributor
    Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Post author

    Vance Richards:All of which means smooth sailing for the Gilmore campaign.

    “Gilmore: Because people can’t attack you when they don’t know who you are.”

    Who?

    I think I could get more support than that guy if I ran.

    • #4
    • January 22, 2016, at 10:46 AM PST
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  5. James Madison Member

    Take this show on the road. You will be an instant hit and hang’n with Kardashian ladies.

    ¡Well done!

    • #5
    • January 22, 2016, at 10:48 AM PST
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  6. Gary McVey Contributor

    A pretty accurate and funny look at the situation. We were supposed to have the strongest team since the 1927 Yankees; we’re ending up with the 1962 Mets.

    • #6
    • January 22, 2016, at 11:29 AM PST
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  7. Misthiocracy grudgingly Member

    Vance Richards:All of which means smooth sailing for the Gilmore campaign.

    “Gilmore: Because people can’t attack you when they don’t know who you are.”

    Sound like the university I attended. Every other school in Ontariostan was mocked by somebody for one reason or another. Mine was never mocked (or mentioned).

    • #7
    • January 22, 2016, at 12:17 PM PST
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  8. Duane Oyen Member

    Gary McVey:A pretty accurate and funny look at the situation. We were supposed to have the strongest team since the 1927 Yankees; we’re ending up with the 1962 Mets.

    The real reason, though, that Cruz, The Donald, and JebMike Murphbushy continue to fight, in some cases despite infinitesimal support, is because Hillary is such a bad candidate and following Obama Fatigue. If we fielded a real candidate, we would win, and these guys all look in the mirror and convince themselves that they are the “real candidate.” Only in this kind of year could Cruz pretend to believe that all he needs to win is to be a “real conservative” and get those 12 million “conservative” voters who stayed home last time (and will probably stay home this time as well staring at their Trump yard signs).

    Now, we need Majestyk to do a post tracing the etymology of the verb “to suck”.

    • #8
    • January 22, 2016, at 12:33 PM PST
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  9. Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Contributor
    Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Post author

    Duane Oyen:Now, we need Majestyk to do a post tracing the etymology of the verb “to suck”.

    NOOOOO!!!!

    I was already skirting the edge with this one; that one might get me the banhammer.

    • #9
    • January 22, 2016, at 12:36 PM PST
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  10. Claire Berlinski, Ed. Editor

    Majestyk: I was already skirting the edge with this one; that one might get me the banhammer.

    We have no idea what you could possibly mean, and we do not wish to know.

    • #10
    • January 22, 2016, at 12:58 PM PST
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  11. GrannyDude Member

    Majestyk: Go Marco!

    I just read Rubio’s American Dream; I think you’re right, Majestyk (and super-funny, too): I think he could get Democrats to vote for him. One, anyway.

    • #11
    • January 22, 2016, at 12:59 PM PST
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  12. Anuschka Inactive

    Wait… isn’t Reverend Huckabee still running?

    “He shall suck the poison of asps: the viper’s tongue shall slay him.” Job 20:16

    • #12
    • January 22, 2016, at 1:00 PM PST
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  13. Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Contributor
    Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Post author

    Claire Berlinski, Ed.:

    Majestyk: I was already skirting the edge with this one; that one might get me the banhammer.

    We have no idea what you could possibly mean, and we do not wish to know.

    I refuse to put the word “Suck” into the Google search bar. There are some doors through which you do not pass.

    • #13
    • January 22, 2016, at 1:01 PM PST
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  14. Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Contributor
    Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Post author

    Anuschka:Wait… isn’t Reverend Huckabee still running?

    “He shall suck the poison of asps: the viper’s tongue shall slay him.” Job 20:16

    How could I have missed Rev. Huck? Especially with that sweet, sucky Bible verse!?

    • #14
    • January 22, 2016, at 1:02 PM PST
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  15. Hoyacon Member

    Rubio: Too honest about his position on immigration. Too stupid to know he might be better off demagoguing ideas that would never happen, like the frontrunner. However, a stupid but honest politician sucks much less than a crooked smart one.

    • #15
    • January 22, 2016, at 1:04 PM PST
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  16. Doctor Robert Member

    Funny, perhaps, but in a very sad way. We had some very very attractive candidates this year. Best squad in a century: Walker, Jindal, Perry, all three effective governors with utterly conservative bona fides. And yet the republican party has more room for a neurosurgeon (who would be a shoo-in for an open senate seat), businessmen and women and other dilettantes than for these capable men.

    Now that the bread is buttered, we need to either accept the truth, that these are our candidates from which to choose, let’s stop making them look bad; or to get to work to promote a brokered convention. That might be the better option. Trump has the capacity to ruin the American conservative movement even more than W did. A convention nomination of one of my three governors, or of a suitable senator, might allow the American people a real option for conservative governance.

    I hope and pray that my three governors, Tim Scott, Mike Lee, Tom Harkin and Jeff Sessions are talking and workig on this, but i have my doubts…

    • #16
    • January 22, 2016, at 1:45 PM PST
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  17. Valiuth Member

    to suck: is a verb coming into the English language from the Roman word suculus which meant to blow. It became truncated to “suc” during the middle ages when English speakers generally became lazier about saying long words. It gained its current usage some time in the Victorian era when Dickens used it to describe the social conditions of orphaned waifs, and attained its modern American spelling thanks to its popularization in the 20th century by Hemingway who felt the word needed a “k” at the end to be less gay.

    • #17
    • January 22, 2016, at 2:52 PM PST
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  18. Dustoff Inactive

    Does Fiorina escape due to extreme-total-suckiness, or an unusual degree of lack-o-suckiness?

    • #18
    • January 22, 2016, at 3:26 PM PST
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  19. Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Contributor
    Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Post author

    Being in the kids table debate is evidence enough of sucking.

    I don’t need to spike the ball.

    • #19
    • January 22, 2016, at 3:38 PM PST
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  20. Dustoff Inactive

    Understood.

    • #20
    • January 22, 2016, at 4:05 PM PST
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  21. GrannyDude Member

    Valiuth:to suck: is a verb coming into the English language from the Roman word suculus which meant to blow. It became truncated to “suc” during the middle ages when English speakers generally became lazier about saying long words. It gained its current usage some time in the Victorian era when Dickens used it to describe the social conditions of orphaned waifs, and attained its modern American spelling thanks to its popularization in the 20th century by Hemingway who felt the word needed a “k” at the end to be less gay.

    Hah! (I definitely should not have laughed at that last sentence…but I did.)

    It’s too bad it’s such a good, evocative, appropriately repulsive word. Good “plosives” and just enough ambiguity to not be an actual obscenity…almost a “spice up the sermon” word. Almost.

    Maybe I could use “sucketh?”

    • #21
    • January 22, 2016, at 4:48 PM PST
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  22. Z in MT Inactive

    I like to blame the suckiness of the Presidential election field on the Bush/Trump/Clinton collision.

    If Clinton had given up allowed other Dem candidates a chance the big donor base wouldn’t have been focusing on the Republican side for the primary season.

    If Bush had been decent and realized that three presidents from the same family in less than 30 years wasn’t going to happen and hadn’t wrapped up a $100 million war chest so early he would have left room for a different moderate candidate and not have made the base paranoid about having Jeb! shoved down their throats and wouldn’t have caused the great anti-establishment mood.

    If Trump hadn’t sucked all the media energy out of the room then some of the other candidates like Perry, Walker, or Jindal maybe could have risen.

    Perry and Walker also screwed up by building too large of a campaign team too early. They should have

    • #22
    • January 22, 2016, at 5:13 PM PST
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  23. Dr. Strangelove Thatcher

    there are still plenty of other people on our side who like the idea of handing a monkey a gun.

    Supporting Trump is the political equivalent of handing a chimp an assault rifle set to full auto, loaded with a full magazine , with the safety off, and with a round already under the hammer? What an apt and well-fitting metaphor.

    Consider this meme already stolen. By me.

    • #23
    • January 23, 2016, at 3:09 AM PST
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  24. Macsen Inactive

    Majestyk: No object in the known universe is as flinty and non-reflective as the horcrux in which Cruz has concealed a hacked-off bit of his immortal soul to protect him from harm, but this power has come at a terrible price.

    Aha- one for the gaming fans. Ted Cruz is Soulblighter.

    • #24
    • January 23, 2016, at 7:49 AM PST
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  25. Manny Member

    Excellent post. The one that sucks the least for me is now Rubio. But heaven help this country. The Jeb attacks on Rubio have actually had the opposite effect on me. Jeb has lost that classy image he had and now seems like a spiteful politician.

    • #25
    • January 23, 2016, at 8:22 AM PST
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  26. Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Contributor
    Shawn Buell (Majestyk) Post author

    Macsen:

    Majestyk: No object in the known universe is as flinty and non-reflective as the horcrux in which Cruz has concealed a hacked-off bit of his immortal soul to protect him from harm, but this power has come at a terrible price.

    Aha- one for the gaming fans. Ted Cruz is Soulblighter.

    Or it makes him Voldemort! :D

    • #26
    • January 24, 2016, at 5:02 PM PST
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