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As Ricochet’s Editor-in-Chief, it’s my job to write stories, recruit authors, and ruthlessly enforce both the Chicago Manual of Style and our vaunted Code of Conduct. But if you only know me from my scintillating insights, withering quips, and penchant for hipster coffee, you’re only seeing a small portion of my vibrant, fulfilling life.

When Rob Long and Peter Robinson hired me for the big chair, they promised more fame and wealth than any lower-middle-class schlub like me had any right to expect. Even considering my manifest talent and chiseled glutes, I never thought I’d be able to purchase a home for my growing family. Sure, it’s a modest abode, but thanks to the steady work, we now a roof, four walls, and a little space for our dog to explore.

DSC_6364

It’s a fixer-upper, but as our real estate agent told us, “lokacija, lokacija, lokacija.” (He’s Slovenian.) I took the photo from the train tracks, but that’s about the only noise we hear at this spacious lot just 62 miles west of Phoenix. Well, that and the hungry coyotes.

Having worked freelance for the past several years, it was a challenge to keep food on the table, but with biweekly checks comes lots of grub from the local wholesaler.

Boxes_of_Nissin_Cup_Noodles_on_pallets_at_Costco,_SSF_ECR

Yep, now my kids are eating the fancy ramen and they couldn’t be happier. Plus, the styrofoam containers are handy for filling leaks in the thatched roof and protecting us from the howling winds that ravage the Sonoran Desert in winter.

Oh look, there’s one of my daughters wanting seconds!

oliver

We had to sell her long blonde tresses so we could afford a needle and thread to patch up our overalls, but I’m simple folk. We consider ourselves blessed because all our essentials are taken care of. I’m not one to complain or beg for help; It’s a tough economy out there and we’re all are doing our best to save where we can.

imagehandler

Patches enjoys listening to his favorite singer, Sarah McLachlan.

But … there is the matter of our dog. You see, the old mongrel is pretty happy out here on our little slice of suburban bliss, but Col. Patches has issues. Mange, fleas, ringworm, cherry eye, hip dysplasia, conjunctivitis, serial incontinence, and vertigo are common to any Chihuahua/Doberman mix, but he’s bravely dealt with each challenge with a snapping grin.

Recently, he was diagnosed with rawhide intolerance, a cruel malady we discovered when a kindly BNSF train conductor began tossing treats to Col. Patches on the fortnightly run to Yuma. Undeterred, the brave mutt still gnaws on those knotted bones, subjecting our family to nights of violent gastric disturbance.

Thankfully, there is a remedy available. Whole Foods sells a hypoallergenic, gluten-free “fauxhide” made from hemp threads, chia seeds, and quinoa. This will give the old dog his special treat without chasing the family from our shaky lean-to. Each treat costs $37.98, but if only you could see the joy on Col. Patches’ face, you too would consider it a worthy investment.

If you love animals and love comforting the cute little moppets who take our old dog on his daily walk to the old cast-iron water pump, there’s a way you can help. If we get to 10,000 Ricochet members, Rob and Peter said they’d buy Col. Patches a pallet of fauxhide — enough to last him until he finally shuffles off this canine coil (he’s 23 years old).

Not only will Ricochet membership give you the ability to join the conversation with the smartest, kindest and most civil conservatives on the Internet, you’ll also get access to a Superfeed of all our podcasts, and the ability to post all the stories you want.

So, please, consider purchasing one of our very inexpensive memberships. We’ll even give you a free month! Yes, you’ll be supporting our mission here at Ricochet, but don’t just do it for us. Do it for Col. Patches.

Col-Patches

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There are 32 comments.

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  1. mildlyo Member
    mildlyo
    @mildlyo

    Modest abode or modest adobe…

    • #1
  2. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Jon Gabriel, Ed.: a hypoallergenic, gluten-free “fauxhide” made from hemp threads, chia seeds, and quinoa

    Hahahahahahahahaha.

    • #2
  3. Hoyacon Member
    Hoyacon
    @Hoyacon

    This is sadder than an ASPCA commercial with emaciated dewy-eyed dogs and cats in cages.  People do need to pony up.

    • #3
  4. TG Thatcher
    TG
    @TG

    Keep shoveling; there’s got to be a pony in this somewhere!

    • #4
  5. James Gawron Inactive
    James Gawron
    @JamesGawron

    Jon,

    Damn it Jon, I’ll join!!! Wait a minute I’m already a member. Well hell Jon with a pitch like that I’ll join a second time.

    Wait.. look..a squirrel.

    I’m learning American English. Where else but Ricochet.

    Regards,

    Jim

    • #5
  6. Ric Fischer Inactive
    Ric Fischer
    @DesertDwarf

    Jon Gabriel, Ed.: chiseled glutes

    A pause was required so I could get some imagery out of my head.

    Jon Gabriel, Ed.: modest abode […] just 62 miles west of Phoenix

    Depending on what is 62 miles east of that modest abode (downtown or the edge of town?), I’m roughly the same distance east of you as you are west of Phoenix. However, I’m confounded. Where the heck are my mountains? What have you done with them, you scoundrel!? Not to mention desert vegetation.

    I thank you for an enjoyable post. It was a pleasure to read.

    -Ric Fischer
    -DesertDwarf

    • #6
  7. Randy Weivoda Moderator
    Randy Weivoda
    @RandyWeivoda

    Part of my comment #20 over on this thread:

    Rob Long can afford to eat at restaurants where customers tip? I was under the impression that Ricochet was losing so much money for it’s founders that they were getting by on generic macaroni and cheese. I upgraded to the Thatcher level just so Rob & Peter could afford some Kraft Mac & Cheese from time to time. Maybe even a can of Hormel Chili for special occasions.

    Now we know how Rob can afford to dine out, he’s making Jon work practically for free.  They probably charge Fred to let him write The Daily Shot.

    • #7
  8. Hoyacon Member
    Hoyacon
    @Hoyacon

    James Gawron:

    Wait.. look..a squirrel.

    Any chance we could just call it a ro-dent?

    • #8
  9. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Did you mention the random drawing?  That’s right!  One lucky new member will be selected in a random drawing to go on a Caribbean cruise with Ricochet’s own femme fatale – Claire Berlinski!  You’ll enjoy first class accommodations on the corporate yacht the Rob Long One:

    Rico Cruiser

    • #9
  10. Kevin Creighton Contributor
    Kevin Creighton
    @KevinCreighton

    As someone who’s currently in Barracks C, Room 8, Bunk 12A of the Ricochet Counter-Revolutionary AP Style Re-education Camp , I can vouch for the “ruthless” part.
    Please send Red Cross packages. And A4 paper.
    P.S. No, really join the site. They’ve solved the troll/incivility problem, so it’s worth your money.

    • #10
  11. Frozen Chosen Inactive
    Frozen Chosen
    @FrozenChosen

    Wow, I can’t believe Troy gave all that up!

    • #11
  12. GLDIII Reagan
    GLDIII
    @GLDIII

    Jon Gabriel, Ed.:
    But … there is the matter of our dog. You see, the old mongrel is pretty happy out here on our little slice of suburban bliss, but Col. Patches has issues. Mange, fleas, ringworm, cherry eye, hip dysplasia, conjunctivitis, serial incontinence, and vertigo are common to any Chihuahua/Doberman mix, but he’s bravely dealt with each challenge with a snapping grin.

    But recently, he was diagnosed with rawhide intolerance, a cruel malady we discovered when a kindly BNSF train conductor began tossing out treats to Col. Patches on the fortnightly run to Yuma. Undeterred, the brave mutt still gnaws on those knotted bones, subjecting our family to nights of his violent gastric disturbance.

    Col-Patches

    And here I thought Jon was going to tell us that the dog answers to the name “Lucky”

    • #12
  13. Eudaimonia Rick Member
    Eudaimonia Rick
    @RickPoach

    I have a few questions:

    1. If you are trying to make your case, don’t you think Ramen a bit of an extravagant expense? Rice in bulk is so much cheaper. Better yet, I see an abundance of sand surrounding your palatial estate.
    2. About that sand, where are you getting the water for all of those seven course Ramen dinners?
    3. There’s a lot of acreage around your estate. Is your land use BLM approved?
    4. Grumpy Cat made her owners millions. Have you thought about making Col. Patches the marketing face for Ricochet?

    I’m here to help.

    • #13
  14. Paul Dougherty Member
    Paul Dougherty
    @PaulDougherty

    Great, another hipster posting about their micro-home and how much it frees them up to do the important things in life (like storage space renting). La-ti-dah!

    • #14
  15. JavaMan Inactive
    JavaMan
    @JavaMan

    “Chihuahua/Doberman mix”

    Here’s hoping that by some miracle of athleticism and sheer canine will that the Chihuahua is the sire.

    • #15
  16. BuckeyeSam Inactive
    BuckeyeSam
    @BuckeyeSam

    James Gawron:Jon,

    Damn it Jon, I’ll join!!! Wait a minute I’m already a member. Well hell Jon with a pitch like that I’ll join a second time.

    Wait.. look..a squirrel.

    I’m learning American English. Where else but Ricochet.

    Regards,

    Jim

    Funny, at :26, I’m not sure they’re going to find a squirrel there.

    • #16
  17. livingthehighlife Inactive
    livingthehighlife
    @livingthehighlife

    The Ricochet Editor-in-Chief gets to live in a mansion?  It’s no wonder this place is broke.

    • #17
  18. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Jon Gabriel, Ed.: But recently, he was diagnosed with rawhide intolerance, a cruel malady we discovered when a kindly BNSF train conductor began tossing out treats to Col. Patches on the fortnightly run to Yuma. Undeterred, the brave mutt still gnaws on those knotted bones, subjecting our family to nights of his violent gastric disturbance.

    I’m intolerance joke intolerant.

    • #18
  19. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill
    @EJHill

    This is probably not a good time to thank Yeti for the coupons for 50¢ off a quarterpounder…

    • #19
  20. Richard Fulmer Inactive
    Richard Fulmer
    @RichardFulmer

    Eudaimonia Rick:I have a few questions:

    1. If you are trying to make your case, don’t you think Ramen a bit of an extravagant expense? Rice in bulk is so much cheaper. Better yet, I see an abundance of sand surrounding your palatial estate.
    2. About that sand, where are you getting the water for all of those seven course Ramen dinners?
    3. There’s a lot of acreage around your estate. Is your land use BLM approved?
    4. Grumpy Cat made her owners millions. Have you thought about making Col. Patches the marketing face for Ricochet?

    I’m here to help.

    5. The EPA is getting ready to regulate your homestead.  They have the power as overseers of the country’s navigable waters.

    • #20
  21. EThompson Member
    EThompson
    @

    Here’s an idea; take care of and respect the members who have been with you since the beginning.

    • #21
  22. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Stad:Did you mention the random drawing? That’s right! One lucky new member will be selected in a random drawing to go on a Caribbean cruise with Ricochet’s own femme fatale – Claire Berlinski! You’ll enjoy first class accommodations on the corporate yacht the Rob Long One:

    Rico Cruiser

    Will that include a tour of Ricochet Headquarters?

    beachfront

    • #22
  23. Ricochet Inactive
    Ricochet
    @LarryHarris
    • #23
  24. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Larry Harris:

    Jon has left you speechless?

    • #24
  25. RiverRock Inactive
    RiverRock
    @RiverRock

    Stad:Did you mention the random drawing? That’s right! One lucky new member will be selected in a random drawing to go on a Caribbean cruise with Ricochet’s own femme fatale – Claire Berlinski! You’ll enjoy first class accommodations on the corporate yacht the Rob Long One:

    Rico Cruiser

    Its only a three hour tour.

    • #25
  26. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    RiverRock:

    Stad:Did you mention the random drawing? That’s right! One lucky new member will be selected in a random drawing to go on a Caribbean cruise with Ricochet’s own femme fatale – Claire Berlinski! You’ll enjoy first class accommodations on the corporate yacht the Rob Long One:

    Rico Cruiser

    Its only a three hour tour.

    Word to the wise… avoid the poop deck.

    • #26
  27. Hartmann von Aue Member
    Hartmann von Aue
    @HartmannvonAue

    This was the funniest thing I’ve read all week. I will consider upgrading to a Thatcher membership.

    • #27
  28. Ball Diamond Ball Member
    Ball Diamond Ball
    @BallDiamondBall

    Jon Gabriel, Ed.: and a little space for our dog to explore.

    Your dog is Laika?

    • #28
  29. Arizona Patriot Member
    Arizona Patriot
    @ArizonaPatriot

    The train tracks can’t be the only attraction of your new palace.  If it’s 62 miles west of Phoenix, it has to be somewhere near the nuclear power plant.

    I don’t like the fancy Ramen.  Too hard to eat as a biscuit.

    • #29
  30. Petty Boozswha Inactive
    Petty Boozswha
    @PettyBoozswha

    Ar least your house doesn’t have wheels under it like Senik’s.

    • #30
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