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Hey, GOP, what’s happening? I assume you’re wondering what we’re doing at your place. I understand you’ve been fearful that this Trump fellow will end up running a third-party campaign. But let’s talk turkey: Given that you’ve lost the popular vote in five of the last six national elections, it’s safe to say that Trump’s running a third-party campaign right now. So let me just cut to the chase: we’re worried about you and are staging an intervention.
Let’s face facts: you have been favoring your holy trinity of DC elites, Wall Street and the Chamber of Commerce at the expense of your principled-conservative base for too long. Somebody has to go and if it’s not going to be politically-connected elites then it’s going to be someone who can’t do without: working-class families. In other words, us.
The choice is yours. To be competitive you must resist the temptation to look back toward your old cronies who are only holding you down. You’re better than them anyway. They’ll always have the Democrats to turn to anyway — better supply line, etc.
It’s clear that you’ve been in denial. That’s okay. Understandable, even. You’ve been doing admirably well at winning nickel-and-dime governorships. Ensuring that the party wasn’t poisoned by the Affordable Care Act by denying it even a single Republican vote in Congress was a nice move. Something for people to talk about and so forth. But if you’re going to survive as a party you need to make changes — big changes.
So, what are the nuts and bolts of it? Well, the Import-Export Bank for example? Gone, as in John-Edwards gone. Waiting to repeal Obamacare’s medical device tax on behalf of your cronies before repealing the mandate on your real friends — individuals? History.
And another thing: it’s time you stopped trying to shift the blame onto Democrats for government shutdowns and started taking credit for them, at least until such a time that the government is sufficiently small that we can actually take pride in it. It’s a heavy lift, I know. To get through this you’ll need to look forward. Forward to a time when visiting our nation’s capital fills Americans with civic pride rather than symbolic dread of Leviathan. And we’re here to help you every step of the way.
Otherwise, we’re going to start hanging out with Switzerland.