Contributor Post Created with Sketch. Ask Uncle Max: Schmuck, Putz, or Schlong?

 

Dear Uncle Max,

An old friend from New York was talking about a time I was cheated, and he said I got “schlonged.” Can you explain what that means? Also, why does Yiddish have so many different words for the same thing — schmuck, putz, schlong? How can I tell which one to use?

–Midwestern Methodist


Dear Midwestern Methodist,

He said you got what? “Schlonged”? What kind of farkakte word is that? Whoever said it doesn’t speak Jewish and doesn’t know from what he’s talking about. It reminds me of that putz Macmillan who lived downstairs from us in Flatbush. He was always trying to show he knew Jewish words, and always getting them wrong. Once he told me his shiksas were in a knot because he was farblunget. Actually, you know what? Maybe he wasn’t so wrong.

Anyway, let’s start at the start. It’s not like English, where these words talk about a mean person. In Jewish, a schmuck and a putz are both about stupid people. The difference is that a schmuck is out for number one, and a putz doesn’t know his kop from his tuches. The guy who cuts you off in traffic to get home 10 seconds earlier is a schmuck. The guy who races ahead to the stop light is a putz. That guy Spitzer, who was always thinking with his schlong — he’s a schmuck. That guy Weiner who was sending pictures of his schmekel over the texting — he’s a putz. Capisce?

So about this New York friend. He sounds like he says things he doesn’t understand. Maybe he pretends to be smarter than he is? You should be careful with your friends. A putz is harmless, but a schmuck can give you tsuris.

Now leave me alone.

–Uncle Max


Do you have a question for Uncle Max? PM me, and he’ll answer it if he feels like it.

There are 60 comments.

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  1. Arahant Member

    I’m rolling on the floor here. Thanks for this.

    • #1
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:04 AM PST
    • Like
  2. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSulJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    You need to put out a lexicon of Yiddish profanity too. Multi-lingual swearing is fun.

    • #2
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:05 AM PST
    • 2 likes
  3. Done Contributor

    Uncle Max, what are your feelings on schlong being used as a verb?

    • #3
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:14 AM PST
    • Like
  4. The (apathetic) King Prawn Member

    Isn’t the Yiddish version spelled with an “a” vice and “o”?

    • #4
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:16 AM PST
    • 1 like
  5. Man With the Axe Member

    Did you hear (the short version) about the fellow who, having had a vehicle break-down in the Negev Desert, came riding into Jerusalem on a camel. Later, in describing what happened to his wife, he had a hard time remembering many of the details of his experience, perhaps because of shock and dehydration. He couldn’t remember where he obtained the camel. Or whether it had one hump or two. But the one detail he was certain of was that the camel was male.

    “Why are you so sure about that?” she asked him.

    “Because as I rode into town I heard any number of people say, “Look at the schmuck on the camel.”

    • #5
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:16 AM PST
    • 1 like
  6. Son of Spengler Contributor
    Son of Spengler

    Frank Soto:Uncle Max, what are your feelings on schlong being used as a verb?

    I thought Uncle Max answered that in the opening of his answer:

    Son of Spengler: He said you got what? “Schlonged”? What kind of farkakte word is that? Whoever said it doesn’t speak Jewish and doesn’t know from what he’s talking about.

    • #6
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:20 AM PST
    • Like
  7. Mike Rapkoch Moderator

    This will be the funniest post of the year.

    • #7
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:21 AM PST
    • 1 like
  8. Done Contributor

    Son of Spengler:

    Frank Soto:Uncle Max, what are your feelings on schlong being used as a verb?

    I thought Uncle Max answered that in the opening of his answer:

    Son of Spengler: He said you got what? “Schlonged”? What kind of farkakte word is that? Whoever said it doesn’t speak Jewish and doesn’t know from what he’s talking about.

    Ah. Not sure how I could have misunderstood him there…

    • #8
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:22 AM PST
    • 1 like
  9. Fricosis Guy Listener

    This post was a schlong time coming.

    • #9
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:24 AM PST
    • Like
  10. MLH Inactive

    Reminds me of this. The rules to which can be found here.

    • #10
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:32 AM PST
    • Like
  11. iWe Coolidge
    iWeJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Brilliantly done!

    The brevity of this post demonstrates that size, in the end, is not important.

    • #11
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:34 AM PST
    • 1 like
  12. Arahant Member

    iWe:Brilliantly done!

    The brevity of this post demonstrates that size, in the end, is not important.

    Yep, size doesn’t matter, because in the end, you’re going to need some lube anyway.

    • #12
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:37 AM PST
    • 2 likes
  13. Vance Richards Member
    Vance RichardsJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Son of Spengler: That guy Spitzer, who was always thinking with his schlong — he’s a schmuck. That guy Weiner who was sending pictures of his schlong over the texting — he’s a putz. Capisce?

    Growing up near NYC I picked up a lot of Italian and Yiddish expressions without ever realizing that they were not normal English expressions. So I knew the word “schlong” long before I ever knew what Yiddish was.

    On the news they bleeped out “schlong” because it was directed toward their Hillary. That surprised me because those were always the types of phrases we would use to avoid using words that would get bleeped (or get you slapped).

    • #13
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:40 AM PST
    • 1 like
  14. Son of Spengler Contributor
    Son of Spengler

    Vance Richards: On the news they bleeped out “schlong” because it was directed toward their Hillary. That surprised me because those were always the types of phrases we would use to avoid using words that would get bleeped (or get you slapped).

    (Or redacted for CoC violations….)

    • #14
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:42 AM PST
    • 1 like
  15. Podkayne of Israel Member

    “Farblunget”, not “farblungent”, I think.

    • #15
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:51 AM PST
    • Like
  16. Herbert defender of the Realm,… Inactive

    Arahant: Yep, size doesn’t matter, because in the end, you’re going to need some lube anyway.

    Is Santorum still around? What a waste…

    • #16
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:52 AM PST
    • 1 like
  17. Son of Spengler Contributor
    Son of Spengler

    Podkayne of Israel:“Farblunget”, not “farblungent”, I think.

    Ack! Typo. Fixing right away.

    • #17
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:53 AM PST
    • Like
  18. Profile Photo Member

    Son of Spengler: Also, why does Yiddish have so many different words for the same thing — schmuck, putz, schlong? How can I tell which one to use?

    –Midwestern Methodist

    You may refer to a putz as a schlong, but you must never refer to your schlong as a putz.

    • #18
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:54 AM PST
    • 1 like
  19. Arahant Member

    They promoted Uncle Max to the Main Feed?

    • #19
    • December 23, 2015, at 10:58 AM PST
    • Like
  20. Man With the Axe Member

    Then there was the (apocryphal?) Johnny Carson line. One of the great golfers (Palmer or Nicklaus) was being discussed, and the guest said that he had heard that before each tournament the golfer’s wife kissed his balls for luck. Said Johnny, “That would keep his putts straight.”

    • #20
    • December 23, 2015, at 11:03 AM PST
    • Like
  21. Locke On Member

    Is Miracle Max a relation of yours?

    • #21
    • December 23, 2015, at 11:08 AM PST
    • 1 like
  22. Herbert defender of the Realm,… Inactive

    Man With the Axe: Then there was the (apocryphal?) Johnny Carson line.

    • #22
    • December 23, 2015, at 11:10 AM PST
    • Like
  23. Son of Spengler Contributor
    Son of Spengler

    skipsul:You need to put out a lexicon of Yiddish profanity too. Multi-lingual swearing is fun.

    For better or worse, neither Hebrew nor Yiddish has good profanity. Yiddish has some classic curses (e.g., “I hope all your teeth fall out except one, so you can get a toothache”) but few good interjections. In modern Hebrew, the common swear words are borrowed from Arabic.

    • #23
    • December 23, 2015, at 11:18 AM PST
    • Like
  24. SkipSul Coolidge
    SkipSulJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Son of Spengler: I hope all your teeth fall out except one, so you can get a toothache”

    I like that one. Will have to remember it.

    • #24
    • December 23, 2015, at 11:21 AM PST
    • Like
  25. Doctor Bass Monkey Inactive

    Oy vey

    • #25
    • December 23, 2015, at 11:26 AM PST
    • 1 like
  26. Son of Spengler Contributor
    Son of Spengler

    Whiskey Sam:Oy vey

    Well played, sir.

    • #26
    • December 23, 2015, at 11:27 AM PST
    • Like
  27. iWe Coolidge
    iWeJoined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    You mean like:

    May you be like a chandelier: Hang upside down all day, and burn all night.

    • #27
    • December 23, 2015, at 11:28 AM PST
    • Like
  28. Casey Inactive

    Overheard outside Squirrel Hill diner:

    “Jeet yet?”

    “Nah, jew?”

    • #28
    • December 23, 2015, at 11:38 AM PST
    • Like
  29. Susan Quinn Contributor

    How about, you should grow like an onion with your head in the ground!! (Heaven only knows what part of my brain released that beauty!)

    • #29
    • December 23, 2015, at 11:56 AM PST
    • 1 like
  30. Ray Kujawa Coolidge

    Man With the Axe:Then there was the (apocryphal?) Johnny Carson line. One of the great golfers (Palmer or Nicklaus) was being discussed, and the guest said that he had heard that before each tournament the golfer’s wife kissed his balls for luck. Said Johnny, “That would keep his putts straight.”

    “Ever see a nine-iron?”

    • #30
    • December 23, 2015, at 12:02 PM PST
    • Like

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