Please Tell Me I’m Awesome

 

shutterstock_240441667We live in an age of grade inflation. We coddle our children. Everyone gets a trophy. The culture of praise and happy talk is making us weak.

I mean, right? Maybe not.

According to this paper from the Harvard Business School, before you set about a hard task — or before you assign some underling (or, I guess, child) something challenging to do — let them know how great they are:

In two lab experiments and a field experiment in a global consulting firm, we tested the hypotheses by offering people reflections on times they were at their best. Results confirmed that best-self activation inspired improvements in people’s emotions, resistance to disease, resilience to stress and burnout, creative problem solving, performance under pressure, and relationships with their employer. Results also revealed that best-self activations are more effective in creating improvements when they feature information from one’s social network rather than personal reflections.

In other words, reminding people that they’re awesome and have done awesome things before makes them more likely to be awesome in the future. And that sort of irritates me — or at least flies in the face of my naturally conservative instincts — because before I set out on something challenging or daunting, I like to hedge my bets a little by reminding myself that Well, you’ve messed up before, so nobody expects much from this, either.

But maybe the squishy social scientists have been right all along: maybe we all need a little boost in the self-esteem department right before we dig into a task. Of course, it’s all predicated on having something in our history that we managed to accomplish, some summit we reached, something to be proud of, so in a grade-inflated over-praised world, it’s hard to know what, exactly, counts as an accomplishment, which means it’s hard to help your “social network” in its “self-activation” if every little thing has been a triumph.

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  1. Pleated Pants Forever Inactive
    Pleated Pants Forever
    @PleatedPantsForever

    “I don’t have opinions anymore. All I know is no one is better than anyone else and everyone is the best at everything.”

    Seymour Skinnerp

    • #1
  2. Annefy Member
    Annefy
    @Annefy

    The question is whether or not you are really awesome, or have you done something awesome in the past that you can be reminded of.

    There’s nothing wrong with praise; it just has to be relevant and deserved.

    I could have told one of my kids all day long that she was fantastic at physics; wouldn’t have changed her achievement one bit. But reminding her of another tough subject that she gutted out and mastered would probably get a good result – or at least an improvement.

    Healthy self esteem is a very good thing. Knowing what you’re good at, knowing where your strengths are, remembering achievements. But also knowing that because you are a good at one thing doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be good at something else.

     

     

    • #2
  3. Leigh Inactive
    Leigh
    @Leigh

    Human nature’s a complicated thing.

    Both things can be true. Praise can boost your confidence at a key moment. And though you might like to lower your expectations personally — I do that too — it’s not necessarily what we want to hear from others.

    But too much praise can distort your understanding and set you up for devastating failure.

    Honesty is the best policy. There’s almost always room for honest praise and encouragement. There’s always a need for honest criticism, though one should only cautiously take upon oneself the role of delivering it.

    • #3
  4. Matt Balzer Member
    Matt Balzer
    @MattBalzer

    Pleated Pants Forever:“I don’t have opinions anymore. All I know is no one is better than anyone else and everyone is the best at everything.”

    Seymour Skinnerp

    Good, but I’d go with:

    “Well, I’m better than dirt! Most kinds of dirt. Not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff’s loaded with nutrients. I can’t compete with that.”

    • #4
  5. Damocles Inactive
    Damocles
    @Damocles

    This sums up my opinion on the topic!

    • #5
  6. John Penfold Member
    John Penfold
    @IWalton

    I think normal humans know the difference between overprotection, false praise, phony awards and applause, and so do the kids.  And they know that praise and encouragement are vital.   But it seem moderns have to have a bunch of conflicting studies over many years to sort of figure it out.  Of course that’s how normal humans acquired the insight as well and would have continued with it had it not been for other studies, and assurances from our betters that what we received at home and in our culture and religions was clearly wrong.

    • #6
  7. Severely Ltd. Inactive
    Severely Ltd.
    @SeverelyLtd

    Well, Ivy League social scientists have never steered us wrong before…

    • #7
  8. Misthiocracy Member
    Misthiocracy
    @Misthiocracy

    Telling an employee that their past performance tells you that they are fully capable of performing a specific task that you are about to assign them is a FAR CRY from telling children they are awesome-sauce all the time regardless of the evidence.

    • #8
  9. OkieSailor Member
    OkieSailor
    @OkieSailor

    Unearned praise, grade inflation, passed automatically from grade to grade….. And we wonder why the cashiers can’t make change, people get our orders wrong, college students are concerned about “micro aggressions”, ad infinitum. We praise the unworthy and denigrate accomplishment. We have sown the wind and are reaping the whirlwind.

    • #9
  10. Kate Braestrup Member
    Kate Braestrup
    @GrannyDude

    Maybe it’s the use of hyperbolic superlatives? Why is everything “amazing” and “awesome” and “super-great” now? Even if over-the-top best-self activation does produce better performance, is it worth the wholesale devaluing of our adjectival currency? How are we supposed to describe, say, the discovery of water on Mars when the barista at Starbucks expects at least an “awesome!” for drawing a heart in my latte foam?

    Anyway, pastorally-speaking, I recommend having a diversified ego-portfolio. This does, indeed, demand a certain amount of accomplishment, but once you’ve got a few bases covered, your ego will be pretty well protected from any serious crushing.

    For example, next month I’m supposed to give a TED talk. Admittedly, it is on my best subject (death) but nonetheless, it is entirely possible that I’ll screw it up.  If I do…well, my husband and children will still love me (Base #1) and I’ll still get to be chaplain of the Warden Service (base #2) and unless Ricochet has a policy of expelling  bad TED-talkers from the ranks, I’ll still get to argue with Ball Diamond Ball.  (Base #3)

    On the other hand, to be on the safe side, maybe I’ll get my husband to give me a nice, best-self-activation before I go on. (“You’re incredible! Awesome! Super-great!”)

    • #10
  11. Misthiocracy Member
    Misthiocracy
    @Misthiocracy

    Damocles:This sums up my opinion on the topuc!

    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zi8ShAosqzI

    Great video, and it illustrates the difference between constantly telling children they are awesome just to keep their “self-esteem” up vs. complimenting someone for performing a specific good act.

    Say you’re training a dog. Do you praise the dog constantly to keep it happy, or do you praise it in response to specific accomplishments in order to reinforce behaviour?

    This isn’t rocket surgery here, people.

    • #11
  12. Dustoff Inactive
    Dustoff
    @Dustoff

    I recently ordered lunch at a local sandwich shop. I ordered “The Cuban”. The enthusiastic young server shared with me that I had made a ” totally awesome choice!”. Yes, I live in California, where even the act of ordering lunch regularly facilitates esteem building, sensation and a search for deeper meaning and bonding.

    I considered explaining that it wasn’t an awesome choice. That in fact it was a sandwich selection. That at best, it might be a delicious sandwich, but that neither the sandwich nor the selection of it could possibly be awesome, because that would require someone to be awed.

    I did not say those things. This was a nice enough kid, working his part time job and trying to be pleasant and positive. But, like so much here and in the country, even pleasant and positive takes on a kind of requisite mania and hyperbolic enthusiasm. Why? Because otherwise we might notice that all of this super awesomeness is not really so totally awesome. Then what would we do?

    The sandwich by the way, not bad.

    • #12
  13. Tony Martyr Member
    Tony Martyr
    @TonyMartyr

    Well, is it:

    “Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM! ”

    Or:

    “Guys, it’s no big problem if it all goes south – we’ll just head on home.  No big deal, right?”

    • #13
  14. jonsouth Inactive
    jonsouth
    @jonsouth

    I sometimes wonder if it’s adults who need esteem-boosting praise and awards for everyone, more than children. Kids can usually see through the fakery, adults have had a lot more time to develop their insecurity.

    • #14
  15. lesserson Member
    lesserson
    @LesserSonofBarsham

    Kate Braestrup:Maybe it’s the use of hyperbolic superlatives? Why is everything “amazing” and “awesome” and “super-great” now? Even if over-the-top best-self activation does produce better performance, is it worth the wholesale devaluing of our adjectival currency? How are we supposed to describe, say, the discovery of water on Mars when the barista at Starbucks expects at least an “awesome!” for drawing a heart in my latte foam?

    Anyway, pastorally-speaking, I recommend having a diversified ego-portfolio. This does, indeed, demand a certain amount of accomplishment, but once you’ve got a few bases covered, your ego will be pretty well protected from any serious crushing.

    For example, next month I’m supposed to give a TED talk. Admittedly, it is on my best subject (death) but nonetheless, it is entirely possible that I’ll screw it up. If I do…well, my husband and children will still love me (Base #1) and I’ll still get to be chaplain of the Warden Service (base #2) and unless Ricochet has a policy of expelling bad TED-talkers from the ranks, I’ll still get to argue with Ball Diamond Ball. (Base #3)

    On the other hand, to be on the safe side, maybe I’ll get my husband to give me a nice, best-self-activation before I go on. (“You’re incredible! Awesome! Super-great!”)

    So…um….about #3…

    :)

    • #15
  16. Man With the Axe Inactive
    Man With the Axe
    @ManWiththeAxe

    Damocles:This sums up my opinion on the topuc!

    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zi8ShAosqzI

    That is such a wonderful video. You deserve much praise for having posted it.

    • #16
  17. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill
    @EJHill

    There’s nothing wrong with confidence. Hell, my Marine has enough for all four of my kids plus the dog. But it’s tempered by the idea that outright cockiness is fatal.

    Nothing but praise removes the fear of failure. And that can be the greatest motivation of all.

    • #17
  18. Eustace C. Scrubb Member
    Eustace C. Scrubb
    @EustaceCScrubb

    Okay, if you insist, “YOU’RE AWESOME, ROB!” Now get back to work.

    • #18
  19. Manfred Arcane Inactive
    Manfred Arcane
    @ManfredArcane

    Eustace C. Scrubb:Okay, if you insist, “YOU’RE AWESOME, ROB!” Now get back to work.

    Well sometimes he’s awesome.  But if he wrote More books he would be More Awesome!  And if he wrote A Lot More books, why he’d be A Lot More Awesome!

    • #19
  20. Man With the Axe Inactive
    Man With the Axe
    @ManWiththeAxe

    Manfred Arcane:

    Eustace C. Scrubb:Okay, if you insist, “YOU’RE AWESOME, ROB!” Now get back to work.

    Well sometimes he’s awesome. But if he wrote More books he would be More Awesome! And if he wrote A Lot More books, why he’d be A Lot More Awesome!

    Ever consider that maybe he’s already “too awesome?”

    • #20
  21. Leigh Inactive
    Leigh
    @Leigh

    The word “awesome” now means simply “cool.” It’s no longer even intended to carry its original meaning.

    • #21
  22. Chris Campion Coolidge
    Chris Campion
    @ChrisCampion

    Dustoff:I recently ordered lunch at a local sandwich shop.I ordered “The Cuban”.The enthusiastic youngserver shared with me that I had made a ” totally awesome choice!”.Yes, I live in California, where even the act of ordering lunch regularly facilitates esteem building, sensation anda search for deeper meaning and bonding.

    Iconsidered explaining that it wasn’t an awesome choice.That in fact it was a sandwich selection.That at best, it might be a delicious sandwich,but that neither the sandwich nor the selection of it could possibly be awesome, because that would require someone to be awed.

    I did not say those things.This was a nice enough kid, working his part time job and trying to be pleasant and positive.But, like so much here and in the country,even pleasant and positive takes on a kind of requisite mania and hyperbolic enthusiasm.Why?Because otherwise we might notice that all of this super awesomeness is not really so totally awesome.Then what would we do?

    The sandwich by the way, not bad.

    But not awesome?

    • #22
  23. Chris Campion Coolidge
    Chris Campion
    @ChrisCampion

    EJHill:There’s nothing wrong with confidence. Hell, my Marine has enough for all four of my kids plus the dog. But it’s tempered by the idea that outright cockiness is fatal.

    Nothing but praise removes the fear of failure. And that can be the greatest motivation of all.

    Fear of failure is reason enough not to fail.  Essentially, if I fail at my job, sooner or later they’ll decide to stop paying me to fail.

    So fail I must not.  I must do, not try.

    • #23
  24. Chris Campion Coolidge
    Chris Campion
    @ChrisCampion

    I think the “awesome” thing is being mis-interpreted a little bit.  From the article, I see this more as a statement of “Hey, you’ve got this”, which is not a statement of how awesome you are, but that someone else acknowledged the fact that they know you can do it.

    I tell myself this before long runs, half-marathon races, etc.  It also helps to have done the training and have the experience of running prior races, etc., but I think the picture it really paints is one of what the future state will look like (crossing the finish line), and that yes, you know you will get there.

    Even if you look like you’re completely unhappy about that fact in the moment.

    Lake Placid 2014

    • #24
  25. Aimee Jones Inactive
    Aimee Jones
    @AimeeJones

    I’m wondering if effusive praise isn’t more of a “reaction formation,” in psychological terms (calling PsychLynne here). In other words, going overboard on telling someone how awesome they are almost begs the question – why are they telling me so much? Are they trying to convince me, because I’m really not?

    I was friends with a pair of siblings long ago, and the older sibling used to complain that the younger sibling (a girl) was always being praised by their parents, supported and lifted up. When she wanted a car, they bought it for her, etc. Compared to the older sibling who was left largely to fend for himself, if you want a car, son, you better earn it, and on and on.

    Eventually, the older one came to the realization that his parents weren’t being unfairly harsh toward him, but rather it was an unspoken compliment that they knew he could handle any challenge before him. His sister, on the other hand, they tended to doubt her abilities and thought she needed to have her hand held in every situation while constantly telling her how smart and talented she was – no matter the outcome. She eventually realized this herself, I suspect, and as a young adult pushed back pretty hard from them and made some destructive decisions to show she is her own woman. There were years of separation between them.

    As a coda, today she is a strong, independent woman who has indeed found success.

    • #25
  26. Man With the Axe Inactive
    Man With the Axe
    @ManWiththeAxe

    I also made it a point never to praise my children because I wanted them to grow up to be strong, independent adults.

    Now that they are grown, I hope they appreciate what I did for them. I’m not certain because they won’t take my calls.

    • #26
  27. Fake John Galt Coolidge
    Fake John Galt
    @FakeJohnJaneGalt

    This sounds like one of those HR things where they tell you how awesome you are right before expecting you to work the next 3 months of weekends and overtime with no compensation. This stuff does not tend to work with me since I know exactly how awesome I am and when people start buttering me up I expect that they are about to bend me over and show how they can awesomely …. me.

    • #27
  28. Manfred Arcane Inactive
    Manfred Arcane
    @ManfredArcane

    Man With the Axe:I also made it a point never to praise my children because I wanted them to grow up to be strong, independent adults.

    Now that they are grown, I hope they appreciate what I did for them. I’m not certain because they won’t take my calls.

    MWtA, not that I am insinuating that you are not Totally Awesome or anything, but does the general tenor of your avatar in any way convey how your kids might have been raised to think of you?  Might explain the unanswered call thingee, ah issue.  Inquiring minds are just doing a little inquiring here.  :)

    • #28
  29. Man With the Axe Inactive
    Man With the Axe
    @ManWiththeAxe

    Manfred Arcane: MWtA, not that I am insinuating that you are not Totally Awesome or anything, but does the general tenor of your avatar in any way convey how your kids might have been raised to think of you?  Might explain the unanswered call thingee, ah issue.  Inquiring minds are just doing a little inquiring here.  :)

    You should see their mother.

    Screen shot 2015-10-10 at 11.45.18 AM

    • #29
  30. Manfred Arcane Inactive
    Manfred Arcane
    @ManfredArcane

    Man With the Axe:

    Manfred Arcane: MWtA, not that I am insinuating that you are not Totally Awesome or anything, but does the general tenor of your avatar in any way convey how your kids might have been raised to think of you? Might explain the unanswered call thingee, ah issue. Inquiring minds are just doing a little inquiring here. :)

    You should see their mother.

    Screen shot 2015-10-10 at 11.45.18 AM

    Yes, you two make a lovely couple.  Excuse me, a totally Awesome, lovely couple.

    • #30
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