Hillary Clinton Tries to Be Cool, Part CDXLVII


Hip, with-it grandma Hillary Clinton is jes’ “keepin’ it real” with the homeboys and flygirls out there on this thang we call the information cyberhighway. She knows these switched-on millennials aren’t down with dusty old books, charts, and the English language. Kids today talk in emojis when they’re on their iPad phones, Googly Androids, and what not. So why not ask the li’l shavers to dish on the bad trip they’re getting from those mean ol’ student loans. If they reply in emojis, it’ll be fun — not to mention viral, sticky and buzzworthy — at least that’s what Clinton’s Assistant Vice Chancellor of Youth Outreach and Popular Culture told her in that fax last month.

Hillary learned exactly the wrong lesson from her defeat in 2008: She wants to run a campaign identical to the one Barack Obama beat her with seven years ago. Obama had a one-letter, red and blue logo; so she needs a one-letter, red and blue logo:


Obama created a creepy secular icon; she needs a creepy secular icon:


Obama surrounded himself with Kardashians; she’ll surround herself with Kardashians:


And since Obama 2008 used social media to appeal to young voters, Hillary will follow his playbook there as well.

How hip! How innovative! How counterproductive:

Clinton on Monday announced plans dubbed “the new college compact” to commit $350 billion over the next 10 years to make college more affordable, if elected president. Then, she took to Twitter to ask people to use emoji to describe their feelings about student loan debt…

[H]er tweet seems to have backfired among most people on Twitter. Some noted that using sad faces, cats with heart eyes and skulls may not be the most ideal way to communicate about a serious and complicated issue.

The few who responded in emoji often turned to NSFW arrangements referencing bodily waste and sexual acts impossible without the use of double-joints and a safety harness. The millennials responding in English were even less supportive.

It never crosses Hillary’s mind that she isn’t Barack Obama. That presidential candidate, especially when compared to John McCain and Clinton herself, was cool. A young, urbane, relaxed guy who millennials aspired to be. Hillary is the opposite of cool: secretive, brittle, and out-of-touch. Not only does no one aspire to be Ms. Clinton, they don’t even want to be around her.

A smart campaign plays to its candidate’s strengths. Obama couldn’t focus on his experience or ineffective policies, so he went with cool. Reagan stressed his optimism and conservatism. Nixon, his tough law-and-order history. To sell Hillary as cool is as foolish as selling Santorum as a libertarian or Rubio as a grizzled policy hand.

There is nothing less cool than desperately trying to act cool. So stop it, Hillary, and play to your strengths. Whatever those might be.

There are 42 comments.

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  1. Nick Stuart Inactive
    Nick Stuart

    O’ Hillary, we thee implore, to go away and sin no more.
    But if that effort be too great, to go away at any rate.

    Initially thought of it with respect to the most current scandal (e-mail server, and classified e-mails) but it applies generally.

    • #1
  2. Valiuth Inactive

    Yes, she can’t be cool, but its not like they can just go with her actual personality, the Wicked Witch of the West is still under copyright.

    • #2
  3. Chris Campion Coolidge
    Chris Campion

    Caught this on Twitter and started laughing.  Gee, only $350 billion?  Are they going to start making classrooms out of pure gold?  That should up the test scores of our emoji-totin’ youth.

    What an incoherent wasteland we’re becoming.  I’m not even sure a Lundgren could save us.

    • #3
  4. Jimmy Carter Member
    Jimmy Carter

    It’s hard to be cool when Yer cold.

    • #4
  5. PHCheese Inactive

    I am sure the Chinese will lend us the third of a trillion dollars especially since a large amount of the students are Chinese.

    • #5
  6. DocJay Inactive

    That’s funny. Is there an Emo symbol for ugly old crook.

    • #6
  7. The King Prawn Inactive
    The King Prawn

    No way her campaign makes it past May. I don’t think the Democrat party can strong arm their voters into accepting her. Soon as they feel the Bern in NH it’s basically over for her.

    • #7
  8. Western Chauvinist Member
    Western Chauvinist



    Gooooooo Buckeyes!

    • #8
  9. Freesmith Inactive

    I looked at Hillary’s logo.

    Was she behind the destruction of the Twin Towers?

    • #9
  10. Western Chauvinist Member
    Western Chauvinist

    victoria berenstain @victoriaramirez

    .@HillaryClinton fewer*

    1:05 PM – 12 Aug 2015

    Son of Spengler??

    • #10
  11. Freesmith Inactive

    I just put up my HRC bumper sticker.

    It says:


    From blue pantsuit to orange jumpsuit.

    The First Family of Felons.

    • #11
  12. The Forgotten Man Inactive
    The Forgotten Man

    Western Chauvinist:Obama_Hillary_Logo


    Gooooooo Buckeyes!

    That is funny and I live in Ohio.

    • #12
  13. Metalheaddoc Member

    Nick Stuart:O’ Hillary, we thee implore, to go away and sin no more. But if that effort be too great, to go away at any rate.

    Initially thought of it with respect to the most current scandal (e-mail server, and classified e-mails) but it applies generally.

    I believe Motley Crue phrased it as: “Girl, don’t go away mad. Girl, just go away”

    • #13
  14. Percival Thatcher

    It was by no means Obama’s first lie, but it has proven to be one of his most enduring:

    You’re likable enough, Hillary.

    • #14
  15. Son of Spengler Contributor
    Son of Spengler

    Western Chauvinist:victoria berenstain @victoriaramirez

    .@HillaryClinton fewer*

    Son of Spengler??

    Clearly Hillary is manifestly unqualified.

    • #15
  16. Leigh Inactive

    I saw my first Hillary sticker the other day.  At least, I think that’s what it was.  It said “I love H.”

    • #16
  17. Roberto Member

    Amateur, the Big Dog shows her how it’s done.


    • #17
  18. Jules PA Member
    Jules PA

    Freesmith:I looked at Hillary’s logo.

    Was she behind the destruction of the Twin Towers?

    Or got fired from Fed Ex?

    • #18
  19. Jules PA Member
    Jules PA

    Of course, does anyone believe that HRC actually came up with that twit campaign?

    Imagine having other people making choices, and having that to choose from?

    Or trusting people in her campaign, after that tweet bombed?

    • #19
  20. Ryan M Member
    Ryan M

    “Fewer” was the first thing that came to my mind, too.

    • #20
  21. Ryan M Member
    Ryan M

    Although I’m in favor of Hillary trying to act cool. It’s fun!

    • #21
  22. JimGoneWild Coolidge

    Ryan M
    Although I’m in favor of Hillary trying to act cool. It’s fun!

    You’re right .. and it is fun

    • #22
  23. Ryan M Member
    Ryan M

    Oh, but full disclosure… My student loans cost me $1500/mo and I’ll have my mortgage paid off before they stop. If Hillary vows to forgive them, I’m ditching this conservative popsicle stand! ;) (one emoji)

    • #23
  24. JimGoneWild Coolidge

    Now check me if I’m wrong but the slammer will make Hillary cool, right?

    • #24
  25. Matty Van Inactive
    Matty Van

    Hey, if you all try to insist on fewer for less, you’re gonna out-Hillary Hillary. Less is fine.

    • #25
  26. Dustoff Inactive

    Yes JIMGONEWILD, the slammer will officially give Hil da serious cool creds.

    • #26
  27. Dustoff Inactive

    Perhaps Hillary could tell us in 3 emojis or less, how her pending inditment makes her feel.

    • #27
  28. Z in MT Member
    Z in MT

    My God, Ryan. Makes me glad I went into the hard sciences instead of law.

    • #28
  29. Kozak Member

    I got a hip icon for her….


    • #29
  30. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental

    Is that Hillary poster for real?  It’s so creepy they ought to go ahead and put a lightening bolt in her hair.

    • #30

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