Promoted from the Ricochet Member Feed by Editors Created with Sketch. Run For The White House: A Guide To The Lesser Candidates

 

Screen Shot 2015-08-05 at 4.31.22 PMFor every Hillary Clinton, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker and Bernie Sanders, there’s a Robby Wells, Doug Shreffler, John Blythe, and Morrison Bonpasse. Below is a guide to some of the lesser-known candidates angling for the Most Unwanted Job In America.

Brad Winslow is IN!The only Democrat of Orange County, California, Brad Winslow’s platform is a call to arms on behalf of a 28th amendment to the Constitution that would give “Congress and the President a uniform set of goals that they must work on together” and “establishes a set of basic behavior guidelines for the relationship between these two branches.”

Get excited, America!

Robbie Wells: The best of the best.Robby Wells of North Carolina coins his political philosophy Eaglenomics, which “takes the absolute best from the Left Wing and the Right Wing.”

No flies – or labels – on Mr. Wells’ politics.

John Blythe

John Blythe’s website makes his feelings toward voters excruciatingly clear: “I love you and I want you.” An ambitious would-be president, topmost on Blythe’s agenda is not to faithfully execute the laws of the United States or even to preside over legitimately opposed factions but to “unite all Americans.”

Not because it is hard but because it is easy.

Screen Shot 2015-08-05 at 3.14.52 PMMaine kook Morrison Bonpasse is certain that there’s too many people on earth. He would have the US adopt the metric system. (Everyone’s doing it!) He advocates a global currency, a global carbon tax, and reducing illegal immigration “by supporting efforts to improve the economies and population stabilization programs of our Latin American neighbors.”

Nice work if you can get it…

Authentically authentic. Unjustifiably-confident Doug Shreffler describes himself as “the next president of the United States.” Shreffler wants you to know that he coded his own website and hopes that “the personal appearance of it helps sEx-everything.how the personal kind of attention” he will give the more than 300 million Americans. He continues: “I have purposely refrained from doing the standard business professional look. I want the people of the country to see I am one of you and for you!”

Blue-blooded American aristocrat Lincoln Davenport Chaffee is an ex-senator, ex-son-of senator, ex-governor, ex-Republican, ex-independent and present-day Democrat. Chaffee describes himself as a strong advocate for the American middle class, about whom he has read extensively.

Chaffee has admitted to using cocaine while in college, though it isn’t clear that he inhaled.

There are 16 comments.

  1. blank generation member Inactive

    Excellent post. Personally I am awaiting the return of John Hagelin of the Natural Law Party. TM and quantum physics, how can you go wrong?

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Hagelin

    • #1
    • August 5, 2015, at 4:36 PM PST
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  2. John Walker Contributor

    Vermin SupremeBut what about Vermin Supreme? He’s running again in 2016, I hear.

    It’s time to reboot America!

    Update: I see you’ve added a picture of the candidate who’s grown a foot since the last election!

    • #2
    • August 5, 2015, at 4:38 PM PST
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  3. The (apathetic) King Prawn Inactive

    I heard Deez Nutz threw his hat in the ring as well.

    • #3
    • August 5, 2015, at 4:42 PM PST
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  4. Son of Spengler Contributor

    I am prepared to vote for any candidate with a beard. It’s been too long since our last bearded POTUS.

    • #4
    • August 5, 2015, at 4:55 PM PST
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  5. 1967mustangman Inactive

    We have a guy here in Oregon named Pavel Goberman. Pavel has been a member of every party imaginable and used to advertise under leadership experience that he was a tank commander in the Red Army. Now he is one of those 80 year old fitness fanatics who will run your state and sell you a shake.

    • #5
    • August 5, 2015, at 5:02 PM PST
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  6. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble Post author

    Thanks, John Walker. I needed a thumb nail….

    • #6
    • August 5, 2015, at 5:06 PM PST
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  7. Percival Thatcher

    David Deeble: John Blythe’s website makes his feelings toward voters excruciatingly clear: “I love you and I want you”.

    Wasn’t that the Bill Clinton campaign slogan in ’96?

    No, not the presidential campaign….

    • #7
    • August 5, 2015, at 6:04 PM PST
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  8. DocJay Inactive

    Foot guy must live near Three Mile Island.

    • #8
    • August 6, 2015, at 1:19 AM PST
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  9. Western Chauvinist Member

    David Deeble: Blue-blooded American aristocrat Lincoln Davenport Chaffee is an ex-senator, ex-son-of senator, ex-governor, ex-Republican, ex-independent and present-day Democrat. Chaffee describes himself as a strong advocate for the American middle class, about whom he has read extensively.

    Well-played.

    Percival:

    David Deeble: John Blythe’s website makes his feelings toward voters excruciatingly clear: “I love you and I want you”.

    Wasn’t that the Bill Clinton campaign slogan in ’96?

    No, his campaign slogan was, “You’re my everything, stupid.”

    No, wait… “You’re my economy, stupid….”

    No, that’s not right… “You’re stupid. Vote for me.”

    No, wait, that’s Hillary’s slogan… In Russian it’s spelled, “Yer stoopid.” In Austrian it translates, “Laws are for stupid people.”

    • #9
    • August 6, 2015, at 4:45 AM PST
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  10. Son of Spengler Contributor

    Actually, I suspect WJC’s personal motto was, “You love me and you want me.”

    • #10
    • August 6, 2015, at 4:53 AM PST
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  11. Hammer, The Member

    Son of Spengler:

    Actually, I suspect WJC’s personal motto was, “You love me and you want me.”

    Which one of these guys is Son of Spengler?

    • #11
    • August 6, 2015, at 7:46 AM PST
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  12. Drusus Coolidge

    …reducing illegal immigration “by supporting efforts to improve the economies and population stabilization programs of our Latin American neighbors.”

    Is this really such a crazy idea?

    • #12
    • August 6, 2015, at 7:51 AM PST
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  13. Son of Spengler Contributor

    Ryan M:

    Son of Spengler:

    Actually, I suspect WJC’s personal motto was, “You love me and you want me.”

    Which one of these guys is Son of Spengler?

    None — these are the 2007 International champions. If you’d like, you can pretend I’m Sean Devine, the good-looking one.

    • #13
    • August 6, 2015, at 8:21 AM PST
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  14. David Deeble Member
    David Deeble Post author

    Drusus – You have greater confidence in government’s ability than I: if we could improve the economies of other sovereign countries we’d be employing the same efforts on our own, which we are not. As for “population stabilization”, who the hell are we to tell other countries what their population trends should look like? The era of colonization is over and colonization-in-absentia not yet begun.

    • #14
    • August 6, 2015, at 9:04 AM PST
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  15. Salvatore Padula Inactive

    Chaffee is also running on a metrification platform.

    I personally prefer Sterling Archer’s view on the matter:

    • #15
    • August 6, 2015, at 9:11 AM PST
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  16. Ball Diamond Ball Inactive

    Son of Spengler:I am prepared to vote for any candidate with a beard. It’s been too long since our last bearded POTUS.

    That would be Deez Nuts.

    • #16
    • September 3, 2015, at 3:10 AM PST
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