Ask Amelia: Surprise, Surprise, Surprise

 

AskAmelia3It’s Friday afternoon, and once again time for Amelia Hamilton to answer all your questions about Mamas, Mrs., and Mayonnaise.

What advice do you have for someone whose friend hates mayonnaise, and you suspect is anti-American and a likely communist sympathizer? — Joseph McCarthy

Dear Joe,
Anyone who hates mayonnaise is a good person and is to be prized above rubies. You also appear to have the political affiliations mixed up, but that is my reason for being — to set the readers straight. The earliest references to mayonnaise come from Alexandre Viard who is, as as you may have guessed, French. Who’s the anti-American communist now? (It’s you.)

 

Dear Amelia,

My husband is planning a “romantic weekend” for our anniversary. As I do not like surprises, and the last surprise he gave me was a vacuum cleaner, how should I approach this anxiety-provoking event?

— Anxious Wife

Dear Wifey,

Well, you know it’s a getaway rather than a vacuum, so you’re already ahead of your last surprise. See if you can get a few hints on dress code so you’ll know what to pack, then take a deep breath and let go. Trust your husband to make it a great weekend. Unless he tries to throw you a surprise part,y because literally no one wants one of those.

 

Dear Amelia,

Do you have any advice for parents who want to prevent their third-borns from becoming bitter because they get all the hand-me-downs?

— Mama of 3

Dear Mama,

The most important piece of advice I can give you is to have a fourth child. People can’t just go around having odd numbers of children willy-nilly.

However, you don’t need to feel bad about hand-me-downs, especially when the youngest is still a baby and doesn’t know any better. Do the same things for #3 that you did for #1: fill out the baby book, take lots of pictures, sign up for a “mommy and me” class, and spend time with each individually. Make it happen, even if the kid is wearing clothes previously stained by the other two.

It also wouldn’t hurt to make the siblings’ clothes off limits for a while so #3 feels like it’s a privilege to wear them.

And, seriously, have a fourth.

Agree? Disagree? Have something to add? Leave a comment!
To submit a question, tweet using #amham or email askamelia@mail.com.

There are 15 comments.

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  1. Basil Fawlty Member
    Basil Fawlty
    @BasilFawlty

    Dear Amelia, My husband is planning a “romantic weekend” for our anniversary. As I do not like surprises, and the last surprise he gave me was a vacuum cleaner, how should I approach this anxiety-provoking event? — Anxious Wife

    You should buy him a vacuum cleaner.

    • #1
  2. iWc Coolidge
    iWc
    @iWe

    More kids is usually the right answer.

    • #2
  3. Pseudodionysius Member
    Pseudodionysius
    @Pseudodionysius

    Dear Amelia,

    My husband is planning a “romantic weekend” for our anniversary. As I do not like surprises, and the last surprise he gave me was a vacuum cleaner, how should I approach this anxiety-provoking event?

    — Anxious Wife

    Dear Ivana,

    Donald will never change. Ask for equity.

    Sincerely,

    Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, married to that kid from hope

    • #3
  4. awksedperl Member
    awksedperl
    @ArchieCampbell

    I can barely tolerate the notion that some people out there hate mayo, but if you do, you’d damn well better hate Miracle Whip 100 times as much.

    (This may be the most exercised I’ve ever been after reading a Ricochet post.)

    • #4
  5. Amelia Hamilton Contributor
    Amelia Hamilton
    @AmeliaHamilton

    I also hate Miracle Whip, yes.

    • #5
  6. Pseudodionysius Member
    Pseudodionysius
    @Pseudodionysius

    Amelia Hamilton:I also hate Miracle Whip, yes.

    Did someone say whip?

    – William Jefferson Clinton, future First Dude

    • #6
  7. RPD Member
    RPD
    @RPD

    I remain dumbfounded that mayonnaise has ever been considered a substance that should be allowed in the same room as actual food. I especially despise restaurants that ruin perfectly good hamburgers with that vile stuff with no warning.

    • #7
  8. The Reticulator Member
    The Reticulator
    @TheReticulator

    RPD:I remain dumbfounded that mayonnaise has ever been considered a substance that should be allowed in the same room as actual food. I especially despise restaurants that ruin perfectly good hamburgers with that vile stuff with no warning.

    Restaurants do that?  Eeewgh.

    What ever happened to the big push for food security?

    • #8
  9. Larry3435 Member
    Larry3435
    @Larry3435

    Dear Amelia,

    Thank you for mentioning that no one wants a surprise party.  The urge to throw a surprise party for someone should be included in the DSM as a sign of mental illness.

    • #9
  10. Ricochet Member
    Ricochet
    @BusterChops

    Amelia Hamilton:I also hate Miracle Whip, yes.

    “Also”? So this isn’t just trolling? You DO hate mayo?

    Let me guess…Aioli?

    FFS, you are everything that’s wrong with America and probably have a Sriracha keychain.

    • #10
  11. Pseudodionysius Member
    Pseudodionysius
    @Pseudodionysius

    RPD:I remain dumbfounded that mayonnaise has ever been considered a substance that should be allowed in the same room as actual food. I especially despise restaurants that ruin perfectly good hamburgers with that vile stuff with no warning.

    There’s a 60 minutes episode where the first McDonald’s rolls out in Paris and they have 2 French chefs proceed to eat a Big Mac on camera. They proceed to start dry heaving at the the sauces on the meat like substance in the burger and then start pulling the food out of their mouth and throwing it on the ground.

    Great theater.

    • #11
  12. user_385039 Member
    user_385039
    @donaldtodd

    Basil Fawlty:

    Actually my sentiment was to buy him a pressure washer and have his to-do list include cleaning the outside of the house, the sidewalks, and the driveway.  Let him get a real appreciation for the time and effort required to care for a building and its attachments.

    Of course the downside is that he’ll have less time to consider his wife and her needs, if that is a problem.

    • #12
  13. Amelia Hamilton Contributor
    Amelia Hamilton
    @AmeliaHamilton

    RPD:I remain dumbfounded that mayonnaise has ever been considered a substance that should be allowed in the same room as actual food. I especially despise restaurants that ruin perfectly good hamburgers with that vile stuff with no warning.

    THANK YOU.

    • #13
  14. Amelia Hamilton Contributor
    Amelia Hamilton
    @AmeliaHamilton

    Buster Chops:

    Amelia Hamilton:I also hate Miracle Whip, yes.

    “Also”? So this isn’t just trolling? You DO hate mayo?

    Let me guess…Aioli?

    FFS, you are everything that’s wrong with America and probably have a Sriracha keychain.

    Aioli is mayo, so it is also bad.

    • #14
  15. lesserson Member
    lesserson
    @LesserSonofBarsham

    gomer-pyle-1

    Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

    • #15

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