Contributor Post Created with Sketch. Ask Amelia: It’s a Shame

 

AskAmelia3It’s Friday afternoon, so it’s time for Amelia Hamilton to answer all your questions about motivation, mothers of brides, and shaming the shamers.

I lack motivation. Please motivate me. — @Shoshido

Dear Susan,

As an expert in procrastination, I must coach myself in this from time to time. They key to motivation is to find a way to want to get through said task, both for short and long-term gain, even if that motivation is simply to get it out of the way so you can move on to something else. Try the carrot (reward) and the stick (punishment) to get the job done. Life is full of things that must be done. It is, in fact, one of the worst parts of adulting.

If you need an additional push, you could try the Mary Poppins method:

Alternatively, you could try wine.

 

Dear Amelia,

I’ve heard of so-called “slut shaming,” “fat shaming,” and shaming for virtually every other condition you can imagine, but I’ve not heard of shame shaming, where someone shames the shamer for shaming the shameful. Why is that?

Kender MacGowan

Dear Kender,

If you haven’t seen shame shaming, I’m afraid you haven’t been paying attention. Indeed, shamers are regularly shamed for being terribly staid and old fashioned, for being bigoted or simply a rube. One can’t shame the shameful without being shamed in turn. Lack of shame is the new black. I’m surprised you didn’t know that.

 

Dear Amelia,

I need your advice this weekend: Tell me how to be the perfect mother-of-the-bride!

Carol

Dear Carol,

Keep the bride (and, I suppose, the groom) in the spotlight, and do whatever you can to make the day run smoothly. Stress-free and happy are the order of the day, so that your daughter can always look back on her wedding day with the best memories possible. Perfection is impossible, so there’s bound to be a minor glitch here and there. A sense of humor and perspective on what really matters (the marriage, not the wedding) will make the day a success. Best wishes to the happy couple!

 

Agree? Disagree? Have something to add? Leave a comment!

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There are 17 comments.

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  1. The (apathetic) King Prawn Inactive

    adult

    • #1
    • July 10, 2015, at 3:48 PM PDT
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  2. Leigh Member

    My problem is that I always run out of energy right when I get to the point that I’ve committed to a major reorganization of something or other. The fatigue sets in, full-blast, just when everything is an absolute mess.

    That’s why I’m on Ricochet.

    • #2
    • July 10, 2015, at 4:10 PM PDT
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  3. J. D. Fitzpatrick Member
    J. D. Fitzpatrick Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    I was thinking of a writing a member feed query on motivation.

    Thinking about it still.

    • #3
    • July 10, 2015, at 10:38 PM PDT
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  4. profdlp Inactive

    There’s always tomorrow to get stuff done. I’m up to 56 years worth of them now.

    • #4
    • July 10, 2015, at 11:08 PM PDT
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  5. Lash LaRoche Inactive

    Ain’t that a shame?

    • #5
    • July 11, 2015, at 12:33 AM PDT
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  6. Larry3435 Member

    On the subject of procrastination, it is helpful to keep in mind that the most common reason for procrastination is fear of failure. By waiting until the last minute, you manufacture for yourself a built-in excuse for doing a poor job – i.e., lack of time. Psychologically, you find it easier to fault yourself for being a procrastinator than for being bad at whatever task you were doing.

    To overcome this tendency, it is helpful to do what you might call a “first draft” of the task. You need to adopt the mind set that what you are doing is just a lark, with no intention of getting it “perfect.” Just a practice run. You may find that a lot of your “first draft” turns out to be useful, and it builds your confidence.

    Another trick is to divide your task into small sub-parts, and challenge yourself to do just one of them. If your sub-task is small enough, you may find that the idea of procrastinating such a small thing is easier to overcome. And once you get into it, you may build momentum. “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,” and all that.

    On the other hand, you may just be lazy.

    Hope that helps.

    • #6
    • July 11, 2015, at 8:15 AM PDT
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  7. Misthiocracy got drunk and Member
    Misthiocracy got drunk and Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    I always hated that scene from Mary Poppins. The kids don’t actually do any work.

    • #7
    • July 11, 2015, at 9:37 AM PDT
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  8. Misthiocracy got drunk and Member
    Misthiocracy got drunk and Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Dear Amelia, I need your advice this weekend: Tell me how to be the perfect mother-of-the-bride! Carol

    Encourage the couple to elope.

    • #8
    • July 11, 2015, at 9:38 AM PDT
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  9. BastiatJunior Member

    I plan to comment on this post.

    • #9
    • July 11, 2015, at 4:34 PM PDT
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  10. Man With the Axe Member

    Larry3435: On the subject of procrastination, it is helpful to keep in mind that the most common reason for procrastination is fear of failure.

    Lot of truth in that. Also, some people can’t get anything done unless they are under time pressure. If you give a student a whole semester to do a term paper 95% will wait until the last minute. A couple will do it early and then be able to relax the rest of the semester.

    Did you ever meet any of the latter type? I haven’t.

    On a related issue, I find that people who live in a place will never visit the local tourist attractions because they can always get around to it “later.” They only visit when someone from out of town needs to be shown around, and if that doesn’t happen, they will never get around to it.

    • #10
    • July 11, 2015, at 5:39 PM PDT
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  11. EThompson Inactive

    On the subject of procrastination, it is helpful to keep in mind that the most common reason for procrastination is fear of failure.

    Must respectfully disagree. Procrastination is normally induced by a distaste for a job i.e. cleaning the bathroom.

    Failure (in my neighborhood) is the world’s best incentive to get off your ass.

    • #11
    • July 12, 2015, at 3:24 PM PDT
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  12. Misthiocracy got drunk and Member
    Misthiocracy got drunk and Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    EThompson:

    On the subject of procrastination, it is helpful to keep in mind that the most common reason for procrastination is fear of failure.

    Must respectfully disagree. Procrastination is normally induced by a distaste for a job i.e. cleaning the bathroom.

    I must disagree with both of you. My procrastination comes mostly from fear of boredom and/or fear of misprioritization, and I find most of the research into procrastination agrees with me. Truly chronic procrastinators put off things they enjoy and are good at just as much (if not more) than things they find challenging or unpleasant.

    I procrastinate even about things I enjoy, because a) they usually require and amount of non-enjoyable prep work and/or b) I fear that I should be doing something more productive.

    Example 1: Heading up to the local resort for some snowboarding. Firstly, it requires finding all my gear, making sure my gear is in good condition, loading up the car, driving up to the hill, etc, etc, etc. What a hassle. Secondly, I worry that the time spent snowboarding could have been used more productively.

    Example 2: When it comes to work items, even when I know a project will be enjoyable and that I’m proficient at it, I’ll procrastinate about starting. Once I get started I’m totally into it. I’m afraid that once I submit the final product my boss will say, “have you finished this other thing?” rather than praising the work.

    • #12
    • July 13, 2015, at 9:58 AM PDT
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  13. Misthiocracy got drunk and Member
    Misthiocracy got drunk and Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Cont…/

    I know that once I get started cleaning the bathroom that I enjoy the process of cleaning the bathroom. I avoid getting started because I’m afraid of what I’m confronted with once I’m finished cleaning the bathroom, which is that I now have to clean the kitchen.

    The reward of procrastination is stress, but the reward of work is even more work.

    It’s not fear of failure, or fear of unpleasantness. It’s fear of futility.

    • #13
    • July 13, 2015, at 10:05 AM PDT
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  14. EThompson Inactive

    @Misthiocracy:

    This must be most the provocative and in-depth analysis of procrastination I have yet to read! :)

    • #14
    • July 13, 2015, at 10:16 AM PDT
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  15. Misthiocracy got drunk and Member
    Misthiocracy got drunk and Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    EThompson:@Misthiocracy:

    This must be most the provocative and in-depth analysis of procrastination I have yet to read! :)

    Adult ADD is one of my “things”. I’ve spend an inordinate amount of time reading about and thinking about procrastination instead of getting work done.
    ;-)

    Also, chronic procrastinators tend to be people who love to learn. They put off the tasks they are already good at because they know they ain’t gonna learn anything from them. They’d rather start a task that isn’t immediately necessary but is more intellectually challenging, like participating in an online discussion of procrastination for example.

    • #15
    • July 13, 2015, at 10:20 AM PDT
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  16. EThompson Inactive

    I sense a book in the making here but oh, wait… it might never get written, right? :)

    • #16
    • July 13, 2015, at 10:24 AM PDT
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  17. Man With the Axe Member

    All of the above is probably true, for some people. That is, people are different, and have distinct reasons for procrastinating.

    But if I have to generalize (and I do) I’d say that most of the usual reasons given are excuses for a simple failure of will.

    If one knows that he should do x now, and not wait until it is so late that x can’t possibly be completed on time, or will cause huge problems and chaos leading to unnecessary anxiety, but he doesn’t rouse himself to do it now, it really doesn’t matter so much what he likes or doesn’t like about the task, or what his psychological issues are. He simply doesn’t have the strength of will to get up off his ass and do it now.

    We are all guilty of this failure of will from time to time, some more than others.

    • #17
    • July 13, 2015, at 11:03 AM PDT
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