Thanks, Hillary: Chipotle Sales Plummet

 

chipotle-e1422995779556-1940x1089Less than a week after Hillary Clinton stiffed the servers at a Chipotle, the company admitted they didn’t hit their first quarter numbers. Forbes magazine is concerned that the lackluster performance might indicate a slowdown for the vibrant burrito sector of the American economy.

Way to go, Democrats:

Burrito behemoth Chipotle has built its success on fresh ingredients and a reputation for being a healthier alternative to other fast (or fast-casual) food. But as health-conscious consumers have learned that Chipotle is not always all that healthy – a day’s worth of sodium, anyone? — revenue growth and same-store sales at the restaurant chain has slowed, indicating that the burrito market is no longer “hotter than hot sauce.”

Chipotle Mexican Grill reported Tuesday afternoon that it recorded $1.09 billion in first quarter revenue, a figure that marks a healthy 20.4% increase over sales reported this time last year but that is short of the $1.11 billion Wall Street expected to see from the company. The 20.4% sales growth, too, looks less impressive upon further inspection: it’s down from 27% growth last quarter and down from the 24% pop reported for the year-ago quarter.

Same-store sales increased 10.4%, but slowed on a quarter-by-quarter basis: the first quarter’s result is down from the 16.1% growth reported in the fourth quarter of 2014 and from 19.8% in 2014′s third quarter. The company said that comparable sales growth was driven by an increase in check size (due to a menu price increase that took full effect during the second quarter of 2014) as well as increased foot traffic.

As of today, company shares are down 5%. Living in the Great American Southwest, I’m happy to see Chipotle’s numbers lagging. Despite what those in the upper Midwest and East Coast might think, the company makes a horrible burrito and I’ll tell you why.

Behold the Five Pillars of Burrito-making:

  1. No rice is allowed in a burrito. The tortilla wrapping provides 100% of your starchy, carby goodness. Tossing in two cups of flavorless white rice is unnecessary as it is unhealthy. It throws off the optimal protein/fat/carb balance while subtracting flavor. Might as well fill it with packing peanuts and dryer lint.
  2. Incorrect ratio of tortilla to filling. The weight of the filling should be no more than twice the weight of the tortilla. Yes, I just made up that ratio, but Chipotle violates it by a factor of three. Again, this throws off the balance of ingredients and tastes awful.
  3. Tortillas should have flavor. The best part of a good burrito at my Phoenix-area hole-in-the-wall is the fresh-made tortilla still warm from the oven. Chipotle’s tortillas taste like their rice which tastes like nothing whatsoever. The last time they saw an oven was two weeks back when they left the factory in Omaha.
  4. Keep it simple. I’ll allow three ingredients in a burrito; four if I’ve had a couple Negra Modelos. But this barbacoa/corn/rice/sour cream/pico de gallo/guacamole/cheese/beans nonsense is an abomination. You know what my local burritería puts in their Carne Asada Burrito? Carne asada. Don’t mess with perfection, gringos.
  5. Keep it semi-healthy. Despite being advertised as “healthy,” a Chipotle burrito clocks in at about 1,000 calories — 1,600 if you get all the fixings. That latter number is all the calories you need in a day, and you wasted it on a horrible fast-food burrito. I have no idea how many calories my aforementioned Carne Asada Burrito offers since the owners are probably not on the best terms with federal agencies. (I can’t wear a tie and shades into the place without someone shouting “la migra!” and clearing out the kitchen.) But I’d guess the meal is under 700 calories with a plurality of that being protein. I can eat three of those a day and tomorrow I just might.

As you can see, burrito science proves that Chipotle makes terrible food. While I’m ranting about Mexican food (my favorite cuisine, I might add), I must note that every border state has their own spin. New Mexico focuses on the chiles, Arizona on the meat, and so on. Here are my rankings on which region offers the best Mexican cuisine:

  1. New Mexico
  2. Arizona
  3. The country of Mexico
  4. California and Texas (tie)

If you disagree with any of the information provided above, be sure to chastise me in the comments. I’m off to get some carne asada.

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  1. MLH Inactive
    MLH
    @MLH

    What are these “shells” you speak of, Amy? Stick with BBQ (but why do you guys tear the meat all up and off the bones?).

    • #31
  2. user_352043 Coolidge
    user_352043
    @AmySchley

    MLH:What are these “shells” you speak of, Amy? Stick with BBQ (but why do you guys tear the meat all up and off the bones?).

    I’m only vaguely familiar with them myself — see, if I’m going to eat tortilla, I like it fried with lime salt.  There are these amazing things called forks that allow one to eat rice, beans, meat, and cheese without needing to wrap them in pastry.

    • #32
  3. MLH Inactive
    MLH
    @MLH

    Amy Schley:

    MLH:What are these “shells” you speak of, Amy? Stick with BBQ (but why do you guys tear the meat all up and off the bones?).

    I’m only vaguely familiar with them myself — see, if I’m going to eat tortilla, I like it fried with lime salt. There are these amazing things called forks that allow one to eat rice, beans, meat, and cheese without needing to wrap them in pastry.

    Uh, Yeah. So.  why do y’all use a bun for BBQ?

    But enough ribbing: ever had Ethiopian food?

    • #33
  4. user_352043 Coolidge
    user_352043
    @AmySchley

    MLH:

    Amy Schley:

    MLH:WStick with BBQ (but why do you guys tear the meat all up and off the bones?).

    Uh, Yeah. So. why do y’all use a bun for BBQ?

    But enough ribbing: ever had Ethiopian food?

    I’m not actually that big a fan of BBQ.

    *ducks*

    No, not tried Ethiopian, though there are few restaurants in town now.

    • #34
  5. MLH Inactive
    MLH
    @MLH

    Amy Schley:

    MLH:

    Amy Schley:

    MLH:WStick with BBQ (but why do you guys tear the meat all up and off the bones?).

    Uh, Yeah. So. why do y’all use a bun for BBQ?

    But enough ribbing: ever had Ethiopian food?

    I’m not actually that big a fan of BBQ.

    *ducks*

    No, not tried Ethiopian, though there are few restaurants in town now.

    They don’t use utensils (or the left hand, I think).

    • #35
  6. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill
    @EJHill

    I was in Arizona for a Bowl Game this past season. Thirty-four effin’ degrees. And the F did not necessarily mean Fahrenheit. Vastly overrated.

    • #36
  7. Eeyore Member
    Eeyore
    @Eeyore

    This may be enhanced by faded memories, but when I lived in Tucson, there was a little corner shack which folded out awnings on the intersecting streets. The menu was sort of written all over the building. They had a roasted cabrito burrito surrounded with a tortilla cooked over a mesquite fire… <<…sigh…>>

    • #37
  8. The King Prawn Inactive
    The King Prawn
    @TheKingPrawn

    Can I take issue with your title? I think the word “decelerate” is more accurate than “plummet.”

    • #38
  9. awksedperl Member
    awksedperl
    @ArchieCampbell

    Somewhat related to this topic: if you’re ever in Scottsdale check out Los Olivos. It has the distinction of having been saved from demolition by the personal intervention of Barry Goldwater, who was a loyal patron. It also has the best cheese crisps that I’ve found in the Valley.

    As to the notion of rejecting chimichangas because they are unhealthy, the Mexican food in Arizona is much healthier now. When I was a kid everything was still cooked in lard instead of the vegetable oil most restaurants use now.

    Sonoran Mexican food: bad for the body, good for the soul.

    • #39
  10. EstoniaKat Inactive
    EstoniaKat
    @ScottAbel

    I wish I had stock in the company that saw its sales increase a disappointing 20.4% year-on-year.

    • #40
  11. Ricochet Inactive
    Ricochet
    @LunaticRex

    I agree with your burrito assessment, but am not an expert on Mexican food. Still, rice? Can I get fries with that? Yeah, no.

    Point of order: I’d have used ‘Old Mexico’ instead of “the country of Mexico.” I know it’s an editorial comment, but you know I’m right. It’s more cowboy.

    • #41
  12. MLH Inactive
    MLH
    @MLH

    Archie Campbell:Somewhat related to this topic: if you’re ever in Scottsdale check out Los Olivos.It has the distinction of having been saved from demolition by the personal intervention of Barry Goldwater, who was a loyal patron.It also has the best cheese crisps that I’ve found in the Valley.

    As to the notion of rejecting chimichangas because they are unhealthy, the Mexican food in Arizona is much healthier now. When I was a kid everything was still cooked in lard instead of the vegetable oil most restaurants use now.

    Sonoran Mexican food: bad for the body, good for the soul.

    Archie, I guess you missed the news that saturated animal fats aren’t bad for you.

    • #42
  13. user_157053 Member
    user_157053
    @DavidKnights

    I find myself in complete agreement with Mr. Gabriel.  Clearly, my life has gone horribly wrong somewhere.  I must go and contemplate the universe…maybe while eating a burrito.

    • #43
  14. Songwriter Inactive
    Songwriter
    @user_19450

    The King Prawn:

    Mike Hubbard:I agree that rice has no place in a burrito, but disagree that Arizona is great. That’s the state that gave us the chimichanga, a deep fried monstrosity that makes your arteries clog just thinking about it.

    And? You say that like it’s a bad thing.

    Homer Simpson:“Mmmm. Chimichanga….” (drools)

    • #44
  15. CuriousKevmo Inactive
    CuriousKevmo
    @CuriousKevmo

    MLH:

    But enough ribbing: ever had Ethiopian food?

    Didn’t know they had any.

    • #45
  16. MLH Inactive
    MLH
    @MLH

    CuriousKevmo:

    MLH:

    But enough ribbing: ever had Ethiopian food?

    Didn’t know they had any.

    It’s not all desert

    ethipo

    no forks, though.

    eat eth

    • #46
  17. user_928470 Member
    user_928470
    @malwords

    So I’m sitting with my son at Chipotle a couple weeks ago. He’s an 11 year old vegetarian and he loves their sofrita salad. I really dig the steak tacos on crispy shells with the delicious green chili salsa.

    Anyway, as I drink my Diet Coke (to mitigate the caloric damage), I start reading the side of the cup: some sad, hipster author talking about the break up with Luis and how their feelings could never properly align (obvious metaphors and choppy prose. Overall, it was weak sauce—the writing, that is. Now, the spicy green salsa was fabulous. Did I mention that already?)

    Anyway, as a former English major and a (very) amateur author myself, my eyes drifted to the top of the cup—looking for the name of the author whose prose I would not be reading in the Fiction section of The New Yorker any time soon.

    Turns out it was a young man.

    So, without diving into the deep end of the pool on the social, political, and anthropological consequences of homosexuality, I just have to ask the busybodies and actavistas at Chipotle: can’t you just let me eat my steak tacos on a crispy shell with this tasty green chili salsa—here I go again (thanks Whitesnake)—without some corporate do-gooder shoving his tolerance down my throat—with the wonderful green salsa?

    Is that the real price at Chipotle?

    • #47
  18. Mr. Dart Inactive
    Mr. Dart
    @MrDart

    I love Mexican food way too much to eat at Chipotle a second time.

    • #48
  19. user_138562 Moderator
    user_138562
    @RandyWeivoda

    I’ve never eaten at a Chipotle because there has never been one near me anyway, but now I’m a little less inclined to after reading this story.  It annoys me to see this anti-GMO thing gaining more traction.  If people want to spend more money, that’s their business and I shouldn’t care.  It just annoys me that man has been altering crop species for millennia and now we’re supposed to be afraid because it’s being done by people in lab coats.

    • #49
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