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Truth in Titles
I positively adore my new family, which is to say, my fiancé’s side of the family. As my side of the family has gotten to know Shelley, their joy has been unconfined. She’s the star of the show — unless her mom is along, in which case the spotlight moves to a diminutive little firecracker of a lady with a contagious smile and a nimble mind. My soon-to-be mom in-law is a card-carrying wonder, and if she ever sits still for longer than 15 minutes it will be because someone glued the seat of her britches to the chair.
She’s part of the Eastern Star organization, where she’s been attending meetings at least a couple of times a week since the dawn of the Christian Era, and she’s tried on numerous occasions to help me understand how the institution is set up, but it’s no use. The titles are too large and elaborate, and I can’t climb over the things to see the rest of Eastern Star’s firmament.
I’m not sure, but I think Shelley’s mom was once an Exalted and Venerable Most Worthy and Esteemed Grand Humdinger Matronly Matron Divine Par Excellence of the First Order Twice Removed (3rd Class). Or something like that. I may have mutilated one or two parts of the office, but you get the idea. It was a dandy of a designation, and it required a new dress.
Now, prior to meeting Her Most Worthy Humdingerness, I had not encountered such a collection of accolades all strung together like that, nor had I met anyone, before or since, who deserves them as much as this remarkable lady. I wonder, though, if everyone over whose head such a tidal wave of compliments comes crashing is worthy of the deluge? You can, after all, put a consummate ass in Congress, dress him up and refer to him as “Honorable,” and you will have only soiled your own character in the bargain, since the character of the ass remains unchanged even when gussied up in bombastic finery.
I wonder, though, why we shouldn’t construct similar titles for public figures and institutions — titles that combine the proper trappings with 100 percent flat-footed honesty? Why can’t we henceforward refer to the Democratic Party as The Ancient and Esteemed Order of the Mandatory Everlasting and Ever-Growing Feeding Trough (eligibility subject to grievance group, see tax code)? For that matter, given their unwillingness to fight the usurpations of the Feeding Trough upon the productive sector, why not call Republicans what they have become — The August and Antiquated Guardians of the Trough? Mitch McConnell and John Boehner will get to trade in their lofty monikers for the more understandable and simplified, Keeper of the Rubber Stamp [upper or lower body as appropriate].
Let Planned Parenthood, whose founder wrote in 1939 that, “We do not want word to go out that we want to exterminate the Negro population, and that the minister is the man who can straighten out that idea if it ever occurs to any of their more rebellious members,” come out of the closet as it were, and be known as the International House of Genocidal Solutions.
Some other contenders for honorific rehabilitation:
Bill Clinton: His Royal Insatiableness, Defender of the Libido, First in Perjury, First in Obstruction of Justice, and First in the Shorts of His Subordinates
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton: The Lewis and Clark of Invincible Ignorance.
White House Press Corps: Ministry of Federal Apologetics and Collectivist Propaganda
John Kerry: Minister of Premature Capitulation
Hillary Clinton: Professor of National and Information Security Obtuseness
Internal Revenue Service: Department of Political Favors
Education Department: Fraternal Order of National Nescience
Barack Obama: Avenging Angel of National Comeuppance, Patron Saint of Terminal Dependency, He of the Gold Plate Behind His Head
Environmental Protection Agency: Department of Property Confiscation
Joe Biden: His Royal Orthodontics, Wandering Minister of Disorderly Pomposity
Department of Justice: Federal Bureau of Ethnic Animosity
Nancy Pelosi: Our Lady of Utter Incoherence
Harry Reid: The Most Revered and Inexhaustible Parliamentary Pettifog Machine, A Man of His Most Recent Word
Homeland Security: Homeland Vulnerability
TSA: Bureau for the Molestation of the Citizenry
New York Mayor Bill de Blasio: Comrade Toothache
Michelle Obama: Our Lady of Culinary Severity
Jeb Bush: Ambassador of Common Core, Patron Saint of Trespassers
Department of Defense: Bureau for the Implementation of the Warriors to Social Laboratory Rats Program
American Citizens: Suckers
There. That’s as good a start as I can manage without coffee, though I suppose I could get a few suggestions for Eastern Star. What about you, dear reader. Any additions?
Dave Carter: Sayer of Like It Is; Commander of Eighteen Wheels and Speaker of the Truth
I’m feeling too dull at the moment to think of one for Eric Holder, but would love to hear your witty take for him.
I like “Democratic Party; A Criminal Organization Masquerading As A Political Party.” ~ David Kahane.
Welcome to the land of Freemasonry. Yes many actually most of the people in the organizations are very good people helping other people very quietly. The organizations are hundreds of years old and many of the titles come from a combination of old English and a little bit of make up for fun.
BTW-contrary to popular belief the masons are not trying to take over the world. Mostly they organize fundraising events to help people and causes. In most cases these people and causes are local and what they do is seldom noted in the press, nor do the masons want it to be.
You short changed Hillary, Security Obtuseness is only her most recent title, if you went back to a Watergate and came forward her ‘accomplishments’ would run about four pages single spaced.
Masons and Catholics?
Grand Master of he Cattle Futures, Guardian of the Billing Records, Keeper of the Privy Harem, Destroyer of Bimbos, Carpetbagger of Chappaqua, Eternal Flummoxer of Republicans, Tamer of the Press Corps etc
You’ll never guess what I thought the title read at first.
These are the twin gems in your cornucopia of marvelous titles.
Your title for John Kerry (Minister of Premature Capitulation) is equally good.
But I’d like to add a comment: he makes even surrender look hard. All you have to do is stack your arms and offer your sword (see, e.g., Robert E. Lee). If they demand your sword, give that to them too. Then pray for mercy.
But he can’t even do that right. We have to go through the whole charade of him pretending (1) to be tough and (2) to have a clue. He’s a walking toothache (with all due respect to Mr. De Blasio: Mayor Toothache).
Some rough suggestions for a few Republicans:
Ted Cruz: Lord Instigator of Spittle-Flecked Cries of Outrage from the Leftist Cult of McCarthy Lives Again
Scott Walker: Maharajah of Much Cheese; Ravager of Public Employee Rent Seekers
Donald Trump: Grand Vizier and Lord Protector of the Sideburn from Hell
It’s probably a good thing the constitution does not forbid titles of ignobility…
Given his role in a gun running operation that led to the death of a US Border Patrol agent and his subsequent obstruction of congressional investigations on the matter, his refusal to go after IRS abuses, his fomenting of racial tensions, etc., he can have any title he wants as long as it starts with “Prisoner number….”
Very nice!!
I’m thinking of one of SNL’s Celebrity Jeopardy skits.
John Roberts: Heir to the Throne of Quisling and Warden of Obamacare
Elizabeth Warren – Her Highness of Cheekbones, Pretender of Diversity, Pompositor of Bureaucratic Achievement, Deliverer of Disadvantage and Arbiter of Earnings
Yea, but what are they really up to?
For Trump, how about: Grand Vizier and Lord Protector of the Grand Vizier and Lord Protector (And His Most Esteemed and Unsightly Rug)
Eww — I like “Arbiter of Earnings”