Well, I confess I haven’t seen them. I’ve been inside catching up on work.  I checked the local news, though, and it seems I should have looked out the window: 

Paris police say they have spotted at least five drones flying over the French capital overnight, and an investigation is underway into who was flying them and why.

BFM TV reported they were seen flying over the Eiffel tower, the Louvre museum and the US embassy, among other locations.

A Paris police official confirmed the presence of the drones in city airspace but would not provide other details. The national gendarme service said an investigation had been launched.

In recent months France has seen dozens of mystery drones flying over nuclear plants and military installations. One flew over the presidential palace.

French authorities said the drones currently present no threat but the government has asked scientists to help devise ways to counteract the devices.

Scientists? Counteract? Well, yes, it would be irresponsible to jump to the firm conclusion that they’re benign, but just assuming—without considering any other possibility—that this requires “counteraction” from “scientists?” Folks—think this through. Where would you go if you were teeny aliens visiting the earth for the first time? That’s exactly where you’d go, right?

Okay, be prudent if you’re a French authority. That’s your job. You handle yours, I’ll handle mine. My job is to get the first interview.

(Skip the rest, it’s for the ETs. I can’t think of a better way to make contact with them than just to post this and hope they Google themselves. I’ll let you know if I get the interview.)

***

Aliens! Hi! So sorry about that unfortunate and unwelcoming comment from the French authorities. It was a cultural misunderstanding. I hope that didn’t give you a bad first impression of our planet. We’re not usually like that. I’m guessing you’re teeny-tiny little guys and worried someone might accidentally step on you if you got out of your spacecraft, right? That would be an awful way to begin your trip to Earth. So you need to let a journalist like me know how big you are and what you look like. That way, everyone will know to be careful. As soon as people know that you’re teeny-tiny aliens who just wanted to see the Louvre, they’ll be extra-careful not to step on you. Locals wouldn’t just casually walk over aliens, although they aren’t used to them, so you need to let us know what you look like so that we don’t do it by accident. That’s why you should call me and give me the first interview. I can also explain the taboo about flying over nuclear plants and military installations. I know you didn’t mean to be rude. You just don’t understand our culture. I’m sure you don’t have things like that on your planet. It’s natural that you’d be curious.

The signage outside the Louvre really is confusing, though. That’s not you, either. It’s them. But don’t give up. You didn’t hear about the Louvre in your galaxy by mistake, I promise. I particularly recommend the Rubens 24-picture cycle in the Médicis gallery. I figure it will be even more mind-blowing given how tiny you are. You can’t see the whole museum in one day, so don’t even try, although you might try asking if you can just do it in the spacecraft. I’d be delighted to take emissaries from your galaxy to the Louvre and see what I can do to help you with the paperwork on the spacecraft.

Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, though. Do you have eyes? Or speech organs? Or feelers, maybe, that you could use for sign language? The headsets they give you at the entrance might not fit, depending on whether you have heads. I guess it doesn’t matter, but you’ll definitely need cash or a credit card to get into the museums. But don’t worry about that: If you give me the first interview, I’ll be able to treat you.

My best advice on the Eiffel Tower, frankly, is skip it. If you’ve seen the postcard, you’ve seen all there is to see. You’ve already got a great view of the city from your spacecraft. On the Embassy? You don’t have to hover. American diplomats aren’t as formal as diplomats on your planet. They’ll be thrilled that your first instinct was to visit and present your credentials. (Take that, Putin: think you’ve still got it? Ask yourself who the aliens really want to meet, first.)

So don’t be put off by those unfortunate remarks from the French officials. No one is prejudiced against ETs here, they just don’t know you yet. I’ll help you sort this out. You just need a journalist, that’s all. An old-fashioned, sensationalist American journalist who totally understands how to handle UFO sightings and has a proven record on intergalactic communication.

(By the way: When looking for a photo of these drones, I couldn’t find one. That doesn’t make sense to me–Paris is not lacking in iPhones. How did people forget to take photos of them?)

Anyway, aliens: I’m from the American media, and I’m here to help.