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Split-Religion Marriages and Conversions
When I was a young teenager, my dad got pulled into the Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults when a neighbor asked my dad to sponsor him through the process of conversion. The man’s wife was Catholic, so he was considering the Church’s beliefs with charitable patience. My father has participated in RCIA ever since, in varying capacities.
These days, one of his favorite TV programs is The Journey Home in which host Marcus Grodi interviews converts to Catholicism about their conversion experiences. Baptists, Lutherans, Mormons, Jews, housewives, lawyers, scientists, preachers — The show is fascinating because of the endless variety of origin stories, which provide insights and nuances which cradle Catholics like myself often have never considered.
A common theme in conversion stories is marriage or courtship to someone of a different faith. My siblings all married individuals of different theological backgrounds. Thus far, these have not resulted in any conversions, one way or the other. Best I can estimate, that general scenario of an ongoing theological difference seems as common among marriages as are conversions of one spouse to the other’s faith… or abandonment of faith altogether (surrender).
There are certainly degrees of separation and pressure to convert in marriage. Lutherans and Catholics, for example, are not as far apart as Baptists and Catholics. But even spouses who generally agree might run into significant hurdles in regard to the raising of their children; such as in regard to the timing of baptism (infant or adult), the importance of worship with a community, the roles of priests and preachers, or the centrality of the Eucharist.
The Ricochet community includes many mixed-religion marriages and conversion-through-marriage stories. I would love to hear them. What factored into your decisions? On what were you willing or not willing to bend? How did the relationship with your spouse change your views? How did your religious beliefs shape your relationship?
I would also be interested to hear stories from individuals whose faith was strengthened, rather than altered, by marriage and similar relationships.
Published in General, Religion & Philosophy
Just a quick note: in the old days, it used to be enforced more rigorously, but many people converted to Catholicism because they were marrying a Catholic spouse, and the church refused to witness the marriage unless the non-Catholic agreed to raise the children Catholic. Naturally, a lot of spouses found themselves having to go to church and teach Catholicism to the kids anyway, so it wasn’t an earth-shattering change to just up and convert. After all, if you had to sit through a Catholic homily, you might as well get credit out of purgatory for it.
Oh dear.
Married a Baptist preacher’s son who agreed to work with the Newman Center priest. But his anger at religion because of his father’s cruelty caused us both to drift away.
The horizon approaches. I hope to find my way home.
But what if the non-Catholic spouse comes from a religious tradition that’s important to them? I suppose if one spouse doesn’t have strong theological beliefs, conversion is easy because “Who cares? Might as well.” But if the spouse is grounded in a different faith?
I knew a Catholic lady who converted to Judaism to marry a doctor. He was a jerk and also my boss for a year. She wasn’t allowed to speak to him until he had his morning coffee. They divorced after a couple kids and one of his girls was quite promiscuous.
Our good friends are a Catholic man and his agnostic wife. The kids are raised Catholic but she won’t convert from her agnosticism ;-) Their marriage is great.
Another friend has a wife who converted to Catholicism and their marriage is great.
Well, remember, this only comes up if the couple is asking the Catholic Church to witness and support the marriage. It wouldn’t make much sense to go out of your way to ask the church to sanction and approve your marriage as a Catholic sacrament, but “oh by the way we aren’t going to teach it to our children.”
Gotcha.
As a Catholic, I consider baptism an important connection between spouses. However, I am uncertain what to make of a person who was never baptized by water but exhibits a passionate yearning for Christ. Is that faith necessarily evidence of baptism by other means? We do believe that God sometimes baptizes a person without ceremony, but it seems unwise to assume such a transformation has already taken place.
The Eucharist is also pivotal for Catholics. But since young children do not receive the sacraments of Reconciliation and Eucharist anyway, perhaps it is permissible to merely delay those sacraments longer than usual for the children to decide for themselves as teenagers. In the meantime, they could attend Mass and share in its other (lesser) aspects. On the other hand, “unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you do not have life within you.”
What do you think, my fellow Catholics? What compromise might you be willing to make in regard to your children and the Mass? Even if the children did not receive the Eucharist until a later age, they could at least be taught how the gift is perceived… in preparation for their own choices.
Hmm. But if that person was baptized in another church before the marriage, that would be ok?
Yes, the Church recognizes baptisms from various Protestant communities as fully valid. But I don’t know what all the exceptions might be. I don’t think that the Church considers Mormons truly Christian, for example.
In any case, “validity of doubtful baptism is presumed especially in the case of marriage.” Christ’s mercy is abundant beyond full comprehension, so we bend as much as possible to find unity. Here is a summary at EWTN.
Vicryl Contessa: #8 “Hmm. But if that person was baptized in another church before the marriage, that would be ok?”
A ‘valid’ baptism involves water and the use of the Trinitarian formula. Any ‘Christian’ religion which does not hold the Trinitarian view does not have a valid baptism in the eyes of the Catholic Church, which recognizes the sacramental value of the baptism properly confected. So, Unitarians (if they baptize), Oneness churches (which do baptize but use Jesus’ Name exclusively), and Mormons who are not Trinitarian, have baptisms not recognized by the Church.
Does the person performing the baptism have to recognize it as a sacrament? Nope. Just has to do it correctly. A correctly performed baptism is recognized by the Church no matter who did it.
If there is a question about the validity, a priest or deacon will perform a conditional baptism. Why? Baptism is one of the sacraments which are not repeated. We are not into ritual bathing. Once works perfectly.
Aaron Miller: # “What do you think, my fellow Catholics? What compromise might you be willing to make in regard to your children and the Mass? Even if the children did not receive the Eucharist until a later age, they could at least be taught how the gift is perceived… in preparation for their own choices.”
As a convert I was certain about what would happen. My bride to be was the daughter of Presbyterian lay missionaries who held me in utter contempt with regard to my religion. To their credit, they did try to save me in the way that Presbyterians (not Baptists) try to save people. Too bad.
It was determined before we got engaged that our children would be raised as Catholics, and that she would have to help me do so. I did not (and could not) require her to become a Catholic. If she were to become Catholic, it would have to be under her own initiative. (Of note, she did become Catholic by her own choice. It did have a bad effect on her parents but they were not given any choice in the matter.)
So, no compromise on my part.
I have met people whose children are confused regarding religion. They are smart enough to know that, for instance, Catholicism and Methodism were incompatible. Unfortunately their parents, being noble with one another, did not understand this and put their kids through the stress of conforming to both parents while the parents did not conform to one another. What do Bishop Sheen and John Wesley have in common? Not much.
Aaron, I would make zero compromises and would not marry somebody who is not Catholic. I’d rather stay single for the rest of my life than marry somebody outside the faith. I am almost certainly beyond childbearing age, but nonetheless: I wouldn’t even consider a non-Catholic for marriage.
Not to speak for Aaron, but I think that may be the point of this post. I guess the next question is- if two people are on the same page theologically, but they come from different faith backgrounds, what reason is there to go through a formal conversion. From my perspective, if I were being asked to convert at my age, there is something a little unpalatable about that. Not only do I have to give the name that has been my identity for 30+ years, but now I also have to give up my faith and its attendant culture? But what compromises has the guy had to make? I think it’s potentially harmful if one turns oneself into a pretzel so much that one doesn’t recognize oneself at the end of the day, but the other person has remained essentially unaltered- it breeds resentment.
Only if the pretzel… I mean, only if the person does not actually believe the religion he or she converted to is closer to objective truth. If the person converts because he or she has found the truth, then that conversion is a gift to the converted… not a sacrifice made for one’s spouse.
For the person who converts, the gift that person gives is an open heart. It is being willing to consider a different theology, for want of unity, to then consider whether or not that new theology has the better arguments. Truth is a treasure, not a consolation prize.
Entertaining the possibility of one’s own conversion in pursuit of truth and actually being converted are two different things. The only good reason to convert is genuine agreement with a faith’s beliefs and/or community. To merely pretend one has been converted for one’s spouse would not be respectful of anyone and would indeed lead to resentment.
There are many ways by which a spouse can humbly sacrifice for his or her mate: trying to appreciate in-laws, trying to appreciate the other’s friends, pursuing an unwanted but practical career, relocating, partaking in the other’s pleasures (music, movies, outings, sports, vacation spots, etc), having more or fewer kids than one wanted, performing unwanted chores or adopting tedious routines, etc. These are not all equivalent to considering a new religion, of course. But such sacrifices add up and are not insignificant. There are many opportunities for mutual giving.
*Slow, pensive head nod*… Ok.
I would never surrender my faith (my self-honesty) for anyone. I would not surrender the Mass or the Eucharist. And I would be clear with my spouse how important the Eucharist and the Church are to me. But could I share my life with a fellow Christian who did not understand those as I do? I am certainly willing to entertain the possibility. It would indeed be a unfulfilled desire, but perhaps not permanently so.
And is an unfulfilled desire to share the Eucharist and the Church the same as a loss? Is it worse than sharing nothing at all? Perhaps not.
It seems more important to me what the children learn and experience than whether or not one’s spouse is fully committed to Church teaching. They would have to be baptized. They would have to learn about the sacraments and the Church. But would it be so terrible if the children self-elected to receive the Eucharist at age 15 or so, rather than being directed to receive Him at age 7 or 10? It is a loss, but perhaps not an insurmountable one.
By the way, I’d love to hear from non-Catholics and even non-Christians on the general topic of inter-religious marriages.
Then again, the sacrament of marriage is surely nurtured through the sacrament of the Eucharist. So… important certainly, but perhaps not insurmountable (again, in the case of a marriage between two Christians).
When Mr.Amy and I married (btw, welcome him to Ricochet on his first post!), I was Community of Christ and he was agnostic. He chose to be baptized and confirmed into the Community of Christ, in part for me and in part because he believes that children should not get different religious doctrine from their parents. When I became increasingly disillusioned with the Community of Christ and become Lutheran, he has continued to attend church with me, though he has yet to be confirmed Lutheran.
While I would certainly like him to become Lutheran, I feel confident enough in the destination of his immortal soul to feel that nagging is not necessary.
Bonne chance.
My family is Jewish. My sister married a non-Jew, and he converted. Their two kids were raised Jewish. Unfortunately, their real religion is Liberalism. My niece is homosexual. My nephew married a Persian woman, and they had a standard reform Jewish wedding, and a Persian wedding that included an imam using the Koran as a part of the ceremony. Draw your own conclusions.
Did you marry someone who is also Jewish? If not, how has it been, and how did you agree to raise children regarding religion?
Actually, Lutherans only appear to be more like Catholics than baptists. Baptists and Lutherans both hold to beliefs condemned by the council of Trent.
This topic could go in a dozen different directions. A couple of observations:
I was raised in the Dutch Calvinist tradition. By the time I was born, we no longer thought of the RCC as the Antichrist or the Whore of Babylon. There was still a residual, um, distrust of Catholicism, and a disdain for their dogmas and doctrines. I’m inclined, by nature and nurture, towards Calvinism, though I suspect if I were raised Catholic I’d probably be in a monastery by this point. Today, I respect my Catholic brethren, and see them as allies rather than competitors. I could never be a Catholic though; I can’t accept the claims of authority that it makes, and some teachings are unacceptable. Were I to get married, I would expect my wife’s views to (mostly) match up with my own, and any children likewise.
And a couple of decades ago, my brother married a Catholic. It’s kind of ticklish, because I’ve never suspected him of being very religious; I’d always wanted him to take his faith more seriously. After a few years, a daughter came their way, then a son, then another daughter. Along the way, he joined the RCC, and frankly I applaud him. He’s taking his faith seriously, as well as his family’s religious life. He’s active in the church, and raising his kids to respect their faith. I’ve said before, I’d rather he were a good Catholic than a lapsed evangelical.
So here I am, a stiff-necked Calvinist, godfather to the two girls. I’ll do my best to see them grow in Christ; the form of their religion is up to them. The world will do it’s best to draw them away, Lord knows, but I can be an anchor, if nothing else.
I think the two Corinthians books have some verses concerning this. 1 Cor 7:39 says that, upon death of her husband, a wife may remarry, so long as he “belongs to the Lord.” 2 Cor 6:14 says that yoking a believer and nonbeliever is akin to yoking “light with darkness;” they are incompatible.
I assume the wisdom behind this is that a nonreligious spouse could be a corrupting influence. I had a girlfriend who was Catholic, and we talked once about religion. Didn’t go well at all. As high school girls usually are, she assumed that we would get married. I, being a Methodist, tried to explain my beliefs to her but she ended up blowing up and giving me the cold shoulder.
Best to avoid that situation and find a partner who shares your beliefs.
I’m Catholic, and my faith is very important to me. Papa Toad is Jewish.
I would never recommend marrying someone of a different faith, but I did not make a mistake. My husband is such a special and strong person. He attends Mass most Sundays. He occasionally attends even things like Stations of the Cross, especially if our son is an altar boy or our children and I are singing in the choir. He keeps Lent with the family. He leads Grace before meals every night. He teaches natural family planning with me. An architect, he designed a home for one of our priests from Ghana which is being built right now back home, and recommended a color scheme that is inspired by colors associated with Our Lady, blue, gold, and white.
I have had word from the Lord to pray without anxiety for my husband. Any conversion would be up to them anyway, not me.
Our marriage was blessed by a Catholic priest, who welcomed a rabbi to bless us as well. We received dispensations proper beforehand. It is not a sacramental marriage because both spouses are not baptized, but I know that God made my husband for me and me for him.
Vicryl Contessa: #13 “if two people are on the same page theologically, but they come from different faith backgrounds, what reason is there to go through a formal conversion.”
“If two people are on the same page theologically” they won’t have different faith backgrounds. Even inside of such religions as the Baptists, the theological positions are quite varied and in places contradict each other.
I started to write that if two Presbyterians got married, but there are significant differences within Presbyterianism to the point where some groups consider other groups to be heretical. For instance a minister ordained by some Presbyterian churches are not accepted by other Presbyterian churches. There is a huge variance of belief within Presbyterianism.
When I was an evangelical Pentecostal our common defense was against the Baptists. The apostle wrote that the (charismatic) gifts would come to an end so the common Baptist position was that the gifts ended with the death of the last apostle. Our experience was that we were exercising the gifts so how could the Baptists make that assumption legitimately?
The upshot of this is that we did not credit the Baptists with being correct (true) but we did give them the benefit of the doubt about being saved in spite of their error.
But we did not measure everyone quite the same. We were actually closer to the Oneness Pentecostals who are in error about the Godhead than we were to a lot of Trinitarian churches which are correct about the triune nature of God. We were measuring things by our unaided human reason, which is why the Yellow Pages under Church have such a wide variety of denominations.
When my wife became a Catholic, she was then able to receive the sacraments of the Catholic Church. Prior to that she was not able to receive those sacraments licitly. Our children saw their mother. Their mother prayed Catholic prayers and participated in the sacraments and rites of the Catholic Church.
Her baptism as a baby was valid. She was received into the Church without being re-baptized. My wife and I are on the same page theologically, and the entire Catholic Church can see that.
Belt: #23 “So here I am, a stiff-necked Calvinist, godfather to the two girls. I’ll do my best to see them grow in Christ; the form of their religion is up to them.”
When you agreed to be your nieces’ godfather, did you not agree to raise them as Catholics if necessary?
Well, I guess it depends on how one defines being “on the same page.” If my spouse and I agree on what we understand the character of God to be, what kind of relationship God wants with us, and generally what God requires of us, but we disagree about women’s ordination- are we still on the same page? I think so. For the most part, you’re never going to agree 100% with your spouse on things, as each person brings a different perspective and understanding to the table. I always say, we’re all reading the same book and coming to very different conclusions. As you said, even within the denomination I was raise in there were varying beliefs. Do I need to marry someone with exactly the same views as me in order to be in accord, or if we agree on fundamental, big picture issues does that suffice in being on the same page?
I’ve been thinking about Aaron’s question, even though I married a Catholic, and therefore have no experience in the struggles between faiths in a marriage.
However, it occurred to me that much of this “struggle” translates into the difference between religion as a belief-system and religion as an institution. Chances are, you’re not going to want to build a marriage and family with someone who believes something entirely different anyway. You’re more than likely going to share a substantial degree of the belief-system; for example, that there’s a God, love one’s neighbor, don’t commit adultery, etc. And when your religious institution doesn’t have much structure anyway, it’s easy to fudge any differences.
But when the religion is a highly structured institution, that makes a difference. When the church is a highly dogmatic and authoritarian institution, that makes a difference.
Of course, a huge chunk of the Catholic canon law is marriage law, for precisely this reason. It’s not like Catholics haven’t been dealing with this for two thousand years.
I’m Catholic and and my wife is Jewish. We had both a rabbi and a priest officiate our wedding, which was not in a church of course, and unfortunately doesn’t count as a sacramental wedding. At the time I was not a devout Catholic and my wife was not a devout Jew, though both of us had adherence to our respective faiths and we both respected each other’s faith. That was over 23 years ago, and since about 10 years ago I have continuously grown stronger in my faith, while my wife I would say is still about a non observing Jew other than high holidays. She’s managed to accomodate me, and frankly I love going to whatever religious observances she goes to for her side of our family. I have always claimed to be Jewish on my wife’s side. Our son is being raised Catholic. We have made our marriage work. It can be done.
By the way, I love The Journey Home myself. I watch it almost weekly. Great show.