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Since the number of people looking forward to another Bush-Clinton presidential race is only slightly higher than the number looking forward to root canals of all their teeth sans anesthetic, I have a proposal, only slightly whimsical, for the former Florida governor. It’s very simple — all he has to do is change his name.
In these days of gender equality, polyamory, polly-(with a parrot, get it?)-amory, and whatnot, why should we be shackled to old-school heteronormative conventions like a wife taking her husband’s name? Just imagine if Jeb were to defy tradition, and take his wife’s name?
The newly rechristened Jeb Gallo could be rolled out as the first Hispanic El Presidente. Imagine his stump speeches en Español, with an adoring Columba beaming at his side.
Mis conciudadanos– [My fellow citizens]
Sé que muchos se han quejado que no tengo ese olor a “auto nuevo.” Pero a veces todo lo que es necesario hacer un coche nuevo para darle un nuevo nombre. [Many have said that I don’t have that “new car” smell. Well, sometimes one can get what seems like a new car with a new name.]
El Presidente Gallo comprenderá que su ley rompiendo y marchando con banderas mexicanas no es un acto de desprecio a nuestra nación, sino de amor. [A President Gallo will understand that you violate our laws, and protest and march with Mexican flags not out of contempt for our country, but out of love.]
El Presidente Gallo se asegurará de que todo el mundo se lleva a cabo con los mismos estándares educativos, sin importar qué idioma se enseñan en. [A President Gallo will ensure that everyone learns the same thing, no matter what language it is taught in.]
A diferencia de Hillary un Presidente, un Presidente Gallo no ser continuamente ayudando recuerda que un maníaco sexual canalla que teníamos en la Oficina Oval. [Unlike a President Hillary, a President Gallo won’t continually remind everyone of what a sex-crazed scumbag we once had in the Oval Office.]
Hablar de olor a auto nuevo. Un camión de abono 1928 Packard huele mejor que ella. [Talk about new-car smell. She smells like a 1928 Packard manure truck.]
He’d not only wrap up the Hispanic vote, but provide a name on the ballot that is neither Clinton or Bush, giving all the other voters some place to go. Plus, he might even get the Italians to think he’s one of them, and pick up San Francisco and New Jersey. It’s win win win.