Introducing the Oppression Index!

 

We’ve all argued with liberals, especially online. The issue could be health care, tax rates or city zoning rules, but they’ll quickly turn their policy disagreement into personal attacks.

Conservative: “I think hiking the minimum wage will reduce jobs.”
Progressive: “You would say that, RICH RETHUGLICAN!”
Conservative: “Actually, I’m lower middle class, so…”
Progressive: “Are you denying your WHITE privilege?”
Conservative: “Well, I’m Asian, and…”
Progressive: “I’m glad the PATRIARCHY protects your precious job!”
Conservative: “Wrong again. I’m a woman.”
Progressive: “Probably sitting at home baking cookies for your husband!”
Conservative: “I’m a lesbian. By the way, who are you?”
Progressive: “Stop voting against your own self-interest by electing old white men like me!”

The argument gets trickier when progressives argue with each other. Since they aren’t used to debating the substance of issues, they revert to form. The goal is always to find who is more of a victim:

Prog 1: “We need to raise the minimum wage to $15!”
Prog 2: “No way, oppressor! $25 an hour!”
Prog 1: “Oh, you think a black man like me should just keep my mouth shut?!”
Prog 2: “Shut up, homophobe! My lesbian sisters need ‘$25 to Stay Alive!’ Want a bumper sticker?”
Prog 1: “As a Bisexual of Color, I only use mass transit, planet raper!”
Prog 2: “Oh yeah, well my last name is Gomez and I was raised by a single mom!”
Prog 1: “My mom died of breast cancer when I was 12!”
Prog 2: “How dare you speak that way to a proud working-class Latina lesbian with transient fibromyalgia!”

The key isn’t to discover the best solution, but to prove one’s superior moral authority. A progressive can only be the winner if he proves he’s the biggest loser.

I’ve decided to help my liberal friends save time with an easy quiz. By printing and filling out the form below, they can quickly determine who is more victimized and therefore the victor in any given argument:

OppressionIndex

There are 49 comments.

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  1. Jimmy Carter Member

    Hysterical.

    Jon Gabriel, Ed.: A progressive can only be the winner if he proves he’s the biggest loser.

    Nailed it.

    • #1
    • October 16, 2014, at 4:18 PM PDT
    • Like
  2. kylez Member

    I was afraid my disability was going to keep me from green, fortunately my straight, white, maleness kept me at 11.

    • #2
    • October 16, 2014, at 4:38 PM PDT
    • Like
  3. Melissa Praemonitus Member

    I hope you’re pitching this as a reality show; contestants fill out the questionnaire prior to being placed in a house full of nincompoop progressives for a week, where they are given obstacles to overcome: bathroom protocol, meat or vegan meals, etc. Halfway through the season, we find out who “really” won, based on the most pathetic, and therefore the most morally authoritative profile. Then for the second half of the season, that one person is made Dictator and rules over the rest.

    • #3
    • October 16, 2014, at 4:48 PM PDT
    • Like
  4. Old Bathos Member

    Drew a mentally & vertically challenged ginger card on last round. When combined with the free sex change card I just edged out the uni-legged Navajo lesbian who blew a chance to mix race in the option round. It actually pays to go full-retard in the bonus round but not before.

    • #4
    • October 16, 2014, at 4:51 PM PDT
    • Like
  5. Misthiocracy grudgingly Member

    Like!

    However, I think there should be sections measuring carbon footprint, drug use, obesity, and union membership.

    Also, one’s answer for #8 should change how #5 is scored. Progressive one-percenters are more aggrieved than conservative middle-classers.

    (I’m an 8, unless being half-Liverpudlian counts as “mixed-race”.)

    • #5
    • October 16, 2014, at 5:05 PM PDT
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  6. Bryan G. Stephens Thatcher

    Crap a 5 because I am not a 1%!

    Anyone want to help be get there with a small donation?

    • #6
    • October 16, 2014, at 5:12 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  7. The Lopez Thatcher

    Noting that I’m a Mixed Race Hispanic (voting more than once being my right in some leftist circles, I checked both boxes) with a chronic condition and having survived numerous life threatening illnesses over the course of my life, I only rated a 41. I think it’s a conspiracy to keep the Brown man down.

    In the words of Monty Python: Help! Help! I’m being repressed!

    • #7
    • October 16, 2014, at 5:14 PM PDT
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  8. Jimmy Carter Member

    Old Bathos:Drew a mentally & vertically challenged ginger card on last round. When combined with the free sex change card I just edged out the uni-legged Navajo lesbian who blew a chance to mix race in the option round.It actually pays to go full-retard in the bonus round but not before.

    You sank My oppression!

    • #8
    • October 16, 2014, at 5:28 PM PDT
    • Like
  9. Jon Gabriel, Ed. Chief
    Jon Gabriel, Ed. Post author

    The Lopez: In the words of Monty Python: Help! Help! I’m being repressed!

    http://youtu.be/fxGqcCeV3qk

    • #9
    • October 16, 2014, at 5:34 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  10. Cato Rand Reagan

    17. Ooops.

    • #10
    • October 16, 2014, at 5:48 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  11. Lucy Pevensie Inactive

    This is lovely.

    Interestingly, there has recently been a news story about an episode of political incorrectness at my college. There are several online fora where alumnae can interact, including (apparently) a Facebook page, and this episode came up for discussion. I gather that some of my most liberal Facebook alumnae friends have been shouted down by people whose multiple-minority status gives them higher victim points. And my friends are shocked–shocked!–to find out that there are people who actually seem to “like being victims.”

    The problem with the Left is that it’s hard to satirize them. No matter how extreme the satire, real life liberalism outdoes it.

    • #11
    • October 16, 2014, at 5:55 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  12. Jimmy Carter Member

    6foot2inhighheels:I hope you’re pitching this as a reality show; contestants fill out the questionnaire prior to being placed in a house full of nincompoop progressives for a week, where they are given obstacles to overcome: bathroom protocol, meat or vegan meals, etc. Halfway through the season, we find out who “really” won, based on the most pathetic, and therefore the most morally authoritative profile. Then for the second half of the season, that one person is made Dictator and rules over the rest.

    Have You not been watching….. AMERICA!

    • #12
    • October 16, 2014, at 6:11 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  13. AIG Inactive
    AIG

    How can I tell which gender I am?

    And, why only 3 options?

    • #13
    • October 16, 2014, at 6:25 PM PDT
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  14. Misthiocracy grudgingly Member

    AIG:How can I tell which gender I am?

    And, why only 3 options?

    Would all the different options that are already covered by “other” have different point values? How would they be ranked?

    • #14
    • October 16, 2014, at 6:34 PM PDT
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  15. AIG Inactive
    AIG

    Misthiocracy: Would all the different options that are already covered by “other” have different point values? How would they be ranked?

    Surely anything associated with an asterisk or other punctuation marks ought to count for more points. After all, they are so oppressed, society hasn’t even come up with a name for them yet, but forces them to rely on symbols.

    PS: BTW, there’s already a site for this: http://www.checkmyprivilege.com/

    • #15
    • October 16, 2014, at 6:43 PM PDT
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  16. Aaron Miller Member

    It’s like vicious gang warfare on a Nerf playing field.

    • #16
    • October 16, 2014, at 6:58 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  17. Jimmy Carter Member

    Aaron Miller:It’s like vicious gang warfare on a Nerf playing field.

    Man, did that ever crack Me up. It’s not often that happens, so Thank You.

    • #17
    • October 16, 2014, at 7:08 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  18. Hartmann von Aue Member

    15 for class and health. Hey! Where’s the vertically challenged category! Oppressors! And visually impaired/ spectrally differently abled?

    • #18
    • October 16, 2014, at 7:10 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  19. Joseph Eagar Member

    We clearly need a national conversation on the very substantive issues of #1, #2, #3, #4, #6, and #7 (but not #5, proles are disgusting). Oh, and no Asians or Jews in the sessions on #2, #3, and #4. Keep those blacks out of #4, too, and make sure the Islamists are kept far away from the talks on #1 and #6.

    • #19
    • October 16, 2014, at 8:06 PM PDT
    • 1 like
  20. Joseph Eagar Member

    I curiously googled “oppression index”, to see if the post had gone viral. I found this instead:

    The HDHS network has assembled a Global Dignity & Humiliation Assessment Team to create a global humiliation assessment. The goal is to use this information to influence public policy and reduce the tragedies of humiliation that are so common and destructive throughout the world. The dignity index described here and elsewhere measures progress in eliminating humiliation and expanding human expression around the world. [emphasis theirs]

    • #20
    • October 16, 2014, at 8:15 PM PDT
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  21. CuriousKevmo Member

    “Christian, I guess”. Perfect.

    Proud to be solidly in the oppressor camp!

    • #21
    • October 16, 2014, at 8:46 PM PDT
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  22. Ron1954 Inactive

    Misthiocracy:Like!

    However, I think there should be sections measuring carbon footprint, drug use, obesity, and union membership.

    Also, one’s answer for #8 should change how #5 is scored. Progressive one-percenters are more aggrieved than conservative middle-classers.

    (I’m an 8, unless being half-Liverpudlian counts as “mixed-race”.)

    It does.

    • #22
    • October 17, 2014, at 1:06 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  23. Stephen Hall Inactive

    Thanks. This thread alone has justified my annual Coolidge subscription.

    • #23
    • October 17, 2014, at 2:04 AM PDT
    • Like
  24. Eustace C. Scrubb Member

    Fortunately, I salvaged a few points from “income level”. You obviously can’t buy that kind of credibility.

    • #24
    • October 17, 2014, at 2:42 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  25. Randy Webster Member

    Bryan G. Stephens:Crap a 5 because I am not a 1%!

    Anyone want to help be get there with a small donation?

    I had the same failure.

    • #25
    • October 17, 2014, at 2:59 AM PDT
    • Like
  26. Larry3435 Member

    6foot2inhighheels:I hope you’re pitching this as a reality show; contestants fill out the questionnaire prior to being placed in a house full of nincompoop progressives for a week, where they are given obstacles to overcome: bathroom protocol, meat or vegan meals, etc. Halfway through the season, we find out who “really” won, based on the most pathetic, and therefore the most morally authoritative profile. Then for the second half of the season, that one person is made Dictator and rules over the rest.

    They could call it “Queen For A Day,” except that would be insensitive to gay men.

    • #26
    • October 17, 2014, at 4:23 AM PDT
    • 1 like
  27. Basil Fawlty Member

    There should be a question about being from Barcelona.

    • #27
    • October 17, 2014, at 4:34 AM PDT
    • Like
  28. MBF Member
    MBF

    What about the public school teacher multiplier? They’re seriously oppressed, just ask them.

    • #28
    • October 17, 2014, at 5:44 AM PDT
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  29. jmelvin Member

    Well count me as a proud oppressor, as I will not beg forgiveness. I was uncertain whether to grant myself 5 points for being middle class in the USA or consider myself part of the global 1% (as I’d imagine nearly anyone in the USA would be).

    *Rethinking this, I’m certain I received a zero. No self respecting progressive would consider himself / herself / itself as anything other than a citizen of the world.

    • #29
    • October 17, 2014, at 6:44 AM PDT
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  30. Marion Evans Inactive

    Solidly dark green. Where do I send my apology letter?

    • #30
    • October 17, 2014, at 6:53 AM PDT
    • 1 like
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