There are 41 comments.

1. Member
   Midget Faded Rattlesnake

   @Midge

   12:07 PM EDT ⋅ Oct 7, 2014

   Annefy:The people in my life who have been dealt a particularly bad hand yet are neither bitter nor depressed nor unhappy and have eventually achieved actual happiness, have great support by loved ones and friends and co-workers.

   Because they aren’t a total drag to be around.

   It’s a snowball effect;

   It’s also a two-way street. Some people who have the bad luck of living with horrible misfortunes also have the good luck of being born into a naturally affectionate, even-tempered family. A family that teaches them by example from their first years how to be genuinely pleasant to others. Even without such a family, it’s possible to learn how to be a pleasant person, but it’s harder (or you might learn the lesson later in life, after having spent time apart from your family).

   you fight the bitterness, focus on what you have to be grateful for.

   Gratitude is good.

   For some people, trying to fight bitterness tends to engender more bitterness, though.  (It is in fact possible to become embittered about not yet having fully conquered your bitterness, and so on, in infinite regress.) Sometimes acknowledging, “OK, so I’m bitter about this,” – just accepting the bitterness for the time being and moving on to other things – is a better strategy for overcoming it in the long run than trying to fight it is. As I said, whatever works.

2. Inactive
   CuriousKevmo

   @CuriousKevmo

   12:40 PM EDT ⋅ Oct 7, 2014

   You and I share this bit Merina:

   I know some people who seem to actually enjoy having a lot of drama in their lives. That would not be me. I work very hard to maintain good health, stable finances and good relationships because worrying about those things makes me unhappy. Sometimes, though, troubles make you appreciate small moments of happiness more than you would when life is humming along smoothly.

   As usual Midge is spot on, I think some tend to have a happier disposition and alas I am not among them.  That said, I have made significant strides and on some level the happiness I have achieved lately (and it is considerable) is earned, getting sober, focusing on people and activities that bring me joy, but much of it is unearned..most notably my lovely wife.  She has such an even disposition and is so grateful for even the smallest of things. I can take no credit for any of it, but she has brought significant happiness into my life.

3. Member
   Annefy

   @Annefy

   12:51 PM EDT ⋅ Oct 7, 2014

   Amy Schley:

   Annefy: The question is, do we have a moral obligation to those around us to be happy.

   If we have a moral obligation to be happy, it therefore follows that to be unhappy is a moral failing. This is what I can’t accept. Again, deliberately wallowing in unhappiness like a pig in mud may be a failing, but to have hope in people entails disappointment, to love people means to grieve them when they’re gone, to trust them means to hurt when they can’t live up to that trust. To pretend those feelings don’t exist is to deny humanity. This is what Gene Roddenberry thought humanity was going to evolve into, which is why Star Trek Next Generation sucked until he died and the producers could allow the characters to be human.

   Annefy:

   Well, then, I guess I’m saying we do have a moral obligation to be happy. It’s not a denial of grief, we all have or will experience it. But as a friend advised me, you’ll always have a hole in your heart, but you have to learn to walk around it.

   It’s not a denial of feelings of disappointment in people or circumstances. These are part of the human condition that hopefully won’t effect our ultimate happiness; we grieve some, we learn some, hopefully we grow some.

   I have several friends who have tragically lost children. They were morally obligated to be able to eventually model happiness to their remaining children and certainly obligated to still be a good spouse.

   Viktor Frankl wrote (I think in Man’s Search for Meaning) something to the effect that while one can’t control the things that happen to you, you can control how you choose to deal with it.

4. Member
   Tom Meyer

   @tommeyer

   12:59 PM EDT ⋅ Oct 7, 2014

   Amy Schley: Again, deliberately wallowing in unhappiness like a pig in mud may be a failing, but to have hope in people entails disappointment, to love people means to grieve them when they’re gone, to trust them means to hurt when they can’t live up to that trust.  To pretend those feelings don’t exist is to deny humanity.

   I don’t think Prager would disagree with you. I’m not sure he’s said this consistently, but I think he’s best phrased it as “a moral obligation to be as happy as possible.”  Personally, I prefer Midge’s formulation to that.

   He’s also pretty emphatic that this does not mean being a Polyanna.

5. Inactive
   CuriousKevmo

   @CuriousKevmo

   1:35 PM EDT ⋅ Oct 7, 2014

   I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this thread….and I’m at work so that is decidedly ungood.

   Given my good fortune at having The Angelic One as such a prominent part of my life I’m struck by how difficult it would be to achieve a consistent level of happiness if one doesn’t choose their partner wisely.

   One of my great struggles lately has been staying out of my step-children’s love lives because I know that if they end up in a bad relationship any shot at happiness will prove elusive.  Yet I know I need to stay out unless and until I’m invited in.

6. Inactive
   user_517406

   @MerinaSmith

   Post author

   2:06 PM EDT ⋅ Oct 7, 2014

   CuriousKevmo:

   You and I share this bit Merina:

   As usual Midge is spot on, I think some tend to have a happier disposition and alas I am not among them. That said, I have made significant strides and on some level the happiness I have achieved lately (and it is considerable) is earned, getting sober, focusing on people and activities that bring me joy, but much of it is unearned..most notably my lovely wife. She has such an even disposition and is so grateful for even the smallest of things. I can take no credit for any of it, but she has brought significant happiness into my life.

   Kevin–I’m happy for you.  And I mean that.

7. Inactive
   user_517406

   @MerinaSmith

   Post author

   2:27 PM EDT ⋅ Oct 7, 2014

   Amy–I think the fake it thing is good for those who can do that.  It’s not my way though.  When I’m unhappy I first of all try to do something (to the extent I can) about what is making me unhappy.  Then I turn to what makes me happy–my family and friends, music, creating beautiful things, and all the while I remind myself of my blessings.  Gratitude is a big part of happiness for me.

   I’ve been thinking about what you said about unhappiness being a moral failing.  I don’t think I’d put it that way.    We have to make allowances for the realities of life.  After all, bitter experiences help us understand and appreciate the good and sweet and even to know what is good and sweet.  We have to give ourselves time to grieve, repair, learn, understand and all the rest that comes as  a result of our bad experiences.  In spite of them, though, we can’t let unhappiness defeat and overwhelm us and we have to strive for a deeper and richer happiness.

   Here’s something I’ve noticed about you.  You’ve had a hard time financially, I gather,  what with student loans and a terrible job market and all of that awful stuff.  But through it all, you’ve worked hard and built a life together with  your husband.  Your very poverty has brought you some of your joys because you’ve had to do things like find inexpensive furniture that you’ve made beautiful by your own labor.  I’ll bet (because I’ve been there) that every time you look at your dining set or bedroom set that you feel joy.  And you should.  You also provide service for your community.  You’ve made beautiful hand work for the church that will inspire many people and help them to worship.  You haven’t had a lot of money, but you are resourceful and creative and that’s a source of happiness, which has kind of been forced on you by your hardships.

8. Coolidge
   user_352043

   @AmySchley

   3:34 PM EDT ⋅ Oct 7, 2014

   Merina Smith: I’ve been thinking about what you said about unhappiness being a moral failing.  I don’t think I’d put it that way.

   To me, it’s a distinction between should and must.  I should eat healthy food, but I’m not a bad person if I don’t.  I must honor my parents, and I am a bad person if I allow them to starve to death.

   We should be happy, but it’s not a moral obligation that we must do.  Now, we do have an obligation to be polite and courteous.  We are not obliged to never be angry, but we are to not slam doors and scream vulgarities. We are not obliged to never be sad, but we are to never forget our other responsibilities.  We are not obliged to never be depressed, but we are to never allow that depression be an excuse for forgetting our manners.  We are obligated to perform the correct behaviors, but we are not required to swallow our emotions and put on a happy face.

   When I see my friends with their children and swelling bellies, I’m not a bad person for being sad.  I would be if I used their blessings as an excuse to cut them out of my life.  That’s the difference.

9. Inactive
   user_517406

   @MerinaSmith

   Post author

   4:11 PM EDT ⋅ Oct 7, 2014

   Amy Schley:

   Merina Smith: I’ve been thinking about what you said about unhappiness being a moral failing. I don’t think I’d put it that way.

   To me, it’s a distinction between should and must. I should eat healthy food, but I’m not a bad person if I don’t. I must honor my parents, and I am a bad person if I allow them to starve to death.

   We should be happy, but it’s not a moral obligation that we must do. Now, we do have an obligation to be polite and courteous. We are not obliged to never be angry, but we are to not slam doors and scream vulgarities. We are not obliged to never be sad, but we are to never forget our other responsibilities. We are not obliged to never be depressed, but we are to never allow that depression be an excuse for forgetting our manners. We are obligated to perform the correct behaviors, but we are not required to swallow our emotions and put on a happy face.

   When I see my friends with their children and swelling bellies, I’m not a bad person for being sad. I would be if I used their blessings as an excuse to cut them out of my life. That’s the difference.

   I like what you say and will have to think more on it.  I feel like with my many blessings, it would be morally wrong for me not to be happy and especially grateful. And of course, my level of happiness goes up and down.  But I don’t really want to make that call for anyone else.  In part I think I want to be happy because I so admire people who are in spite of adversity and I think bitterness is morally wrong, and I think that it is right as a Christian to be happy.  And I regret the times in the past when I allowed myself to be unhappy and inflict others with my sorrows.

10. Lincoln
    user_645127

    @jam

    8:41 PM EDT ⋅ Oct 7, 2014

    I just wanted to thank you for this post, Merina. It’s a good reminder.

11. Member
    Annefy

    @Annefy

    11:18 AM EDT ⋅ Oct 9, 2014

    Amy, I’ve been thinking a lot about this the past couple of days, especially your comment on sadness; specifically seeing some of your friends being blessed with a baby.

    I don’t think “sad” is the opposite of happy; though if it’s permanent, that qualifies as depressed and one certainly can’t be depressed and happy.

    Sadness (I think) is a temporary condition and is experienced by all, and is certainly experienced by someone who’s basically happy.

    I guess the point is, does your sadness prevent you from feeling joy and genuine happiness for your friends? For someone reason, that’s something I never had a problem with when I was young, but as I get older I have moments of resentment/jealousy when I see the good fortune and success of some of my peers and their children.

    But I ignore it and don’t feed it and, having watched people for years, mimic the behavior of people exhibiting happiness for another.

    It works; the struggle is becoming easier.