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A Shameful Confession…
I admit to writing this essay with a great deal of trepidation. As a Conservative, and as an American, and moreover as a Male, a Husband, and a Father, I feel that I have failed in fulfilling my moral, familial, and community obligations. I have gone back over this confession many times, have rehearsed the words in my mind and aloud in the confines of my garage many times, yet still my fingers tremble as I type this. I apologize to you all and beg for your forgiveness.
For I have been harboring a shameful and dark secret now for many years, and while I would, for your sakes and for your peace of mind, gladly continue to live this lie, I am driven to confess for the sake of my own sanity. I cannot even look my own wife or our own dear, sweet daughters in the eyes any more, concealing this festering wound as I do. I must unburden myself and throw my fate upon your mercy.
You see, I really don’t like bacon all that much. Now please don’t throw stones at me for this, please don’t cast me out or shun me, this is how I was born and I must humbly ask for your tolerance… nay, I shall not use that word… I ask for your acceptance. This is how I was made. The Good Lord, in his infinite mercy and wisdom, did not grace me with the ability or the natural inclinations to desire cured and salted pork-belly products, instead granting me a preference for sausage products.
Perhaps in another time (say, the 1980s) my kind would have been more tolerated, but today’s society has grown far too discriminatory against my people. Today we are daily forced to endure censure and reprisal for refusing to hang bacon-scented air fresheners in our cars, and we must bite our tongues rather than admit that bacon-jalepeño chocolate causes our stomachs to churn. When I refuse a proffered bacon-soda at a party, the whole room turns to stare at me like I’m some kind of freak. Why can’t others be more understanding?
I know some who still try to pretend, to maintain the facade by ordering turkey-bacon, or tofu-bacon, but this still draws dirty looks and snarky remarks about “watching our waistlines.” You should know that we try these disguises to please you, not ourselves, and we long for the day when we can again enjoy our breakfasts in peace.
Nay, instead our society has now turned bacon from merely one choice among many on the breakfast menu into a fetish, a totem, an idol to whom we must sacrifice our taste buds and aesthetic taste! Bacon served at lunch. Bacon wrapped unnaturally around other meats at dinner! Bacon-flavored candy for dessert even! I cannot even buy a bottle of wine for quiet enjoyment at home without confronting unwanted porcine provocation, and am daily treated to the scornful prejudices of those who wear bacon-imprinted shirts as if they were proudly donning the uniforms of some fascist cult.
What is perhaps most demeaning of all is the prurient curiosity for my brethren who still like the occasional slice of bacon, or who still indulge in a BLT, or who dare openly flaunt their breakfast proclivities by ordering bacon and sausage at breakfast. I myself even “cross over” at times, but honestly, it’s none of your business. We do not censure your food choices, let us enjoy ours.
Let us all work together towards a world where the bacon-lovers can live in peace with the other food lovers.
Thank you for your support.
Wasn’t that one of the myths behind the Sepoy rebellion – the Hindus believed that the patches were lubed with tallow while the Muslims believed they were lubed with lard?
Thanks for clearing that up. Any insights on my burning and guilt ridden question?
Not trying to derail your thread or anything, but wasn’t that the thing that birthed the SSM craze?
Which? Bacon? Lard-lubed musket patches? Sepoys?
Specifically the Hindu though beef tallow was being used. The cartridges were lubricated with rendered sheep fat (or sheep tallow) as I recall, plus you could rip them open without biting them. But, there is nothing quite so powerful as an illusion whose time has come.
Seawriter
Your on your own with that one. I have enough burning and guilt-ridden questions of my own to deal with.
Seawriter
Possibly the worst thing about being a Muslim, worse even than being suspected of being a terrorist, is no bacon.
You do know that as a manly man of conservative leaning you do not need to eat the bacon but you do need to bring it on home?
How the h311 should I know – go ask the Spartans.
It takes a brave soul to confess he doesn’t like the most wonderful aroma in the world, the very smell that defines “breakfast”.
I have a confession too. Sometimes, I add Egg Beaters to my real eggs when I make an omelet . . . The shame! The shame!
This is very sad. No wonder you keep it to yourself.
That’s what Mr Rattler thought, until he tried my pumpkin pie.
A double victory for me, since he had previously believed he hated all pie as well.
My goodness, I thought, he’s coming out of the closet…
“Read More”
“You see, I really don’t like bacon all that much. ”
Horrors!
Skip, I applaud your sentiments – and your bravery…Sausage is breakfast food; bacon is for sandwiches, salads and garnishes.
I can’t say I’m with you there Skipper but I don’t understand this weird fetishization of bacon. I like it just as much as anybody but, you know, it’s just bacon. Soon enough the baconists won’t be able to taste it, with all the varieties of bacon offerings. Their tastebuds are going to be bacon’d out. Then what are they gonna do?
I knew it.
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Preferring sausage over bacon is forgivable. You need not fear punishment.
Now. How do you pronounce sausage?
saw-sij or saaah-sij?
Be very careful how you answer.
It’s a trick. Get an axe.
Microwave ovens were invented to cook bacon. What are you, some kind of Luddite?
Gasp! Bacon should be cooked on the stove top! Then you can use the bacon grease to cook your hash browns.
This whole thread is “makin’ bacon,” if you know what I mean. (Squeaaaaaaaaal)
Skip,
Next you will be telling us that you hide in the closet on weekend mornings snarfing down Scrapple or yeash Haggis!
Enough faffing around. Burn the witch!
Midge, your constant innuendos have ruined Ricochet for me.
On the beach!
Only people with filthy minds would see pumpkin pie as a euphemism for anything.
Jason and Midge: Is this debate about products from a *p-i-g* a stand-in for the dreaded P-I-T? Just wondering… <ahem>
Skipper might just be an anti-porcinist. I fear he may spell sausage, soysage.
Or scrambled eggs.
When I was kid my mom would save the precious grease and use it to make grilled cheese sandwiches. That’s right. She spread the bacon grease on each slice of bread. Hmmman that’s good stuff.
clearly you were raised by an angel who knew what was good! i just saved bacon grease to the freezer the other day…who cares about politics, arguments and sadness? 1 grilled cheese with a 2 sides of bacon juice coming up!