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Your Conservative Fall Brawl Bracket
Though the primaries for the 2016 presidential election are still a ways off, news organizations can already be seen spending an inordinate amount of time talking about them in an attempt to fill a 24-hour news cycle that contains less than one hour of actual news. It is a signal to us that it is time for the greater coalition of the right to begin the process of pummeling each other into submission, in order to ensure our ideal candidate wins the Republican nomination.
Here on Ricochet, social conservatives and libertarians battle for supremacy on a daily basis. Recently, VirtuCons have appeared, to the consternation of some FiCons. The NeoCons continue to plug along to the dissatisfaction of many factions. In order to better facilitate these death matches, and ensure no faction of conservatives is left out, I have created a Fall Brawl bracketed tournament for different types of “Cons” to battle it out.
As you can see, the Con bench is deep, especially when factoring the phonetically similar Khans, Kahns and Caans. Below I have broken down all of the match-ups for your convenience. Let the carnage commence! There can be only one!
Group A
Chaka Khan (7) vs LibertyCon (10)
The constitutional stylings of Rand Paul vs the musical stylings of the queen of funk. Expect a slobberknocker. Take the points.
Pick: (LibertyCon +2.5)
Def Con (3) vs PanoptiCon (14)
The defensive readiness of the nation against the prison layout with the lowest possible guard to inmate ratio. Nukes tip the balance here.
Pick: (DefCon -6.5)
SoCon (6) vs Shere Khan (11)
Christians are accustomed to battling lions, but tigers are a different matter. I smell an upset.
Pick: (Shere Khan +4.5)
Genghis Khan (2) vs Captain FalCon (15)
Punch notwithstanding, the Mongolian conqueror has a distinct advantage in this matchup, as reflected in the line. Still, an upset is not out of the question.
Pick: (Genghis Khan -6)
Wrath of Khan (4) vs Comic Con (13)
Comic Con enters the tournament with momentum, and as everyone’s favorite dark-horse pick. Unfortunate that it drew such a strong opponent. The dream ends here.
Pick: (Wrath of Khan -3.5)
Madeline Kahn (5) vs MetroCon (12)
Lilly Von Shtupp is unimpressed by city slickers.
Pick: (Madeline Kahn -4.5)
FiCon (8) vs DeaCon (9)
We know what to expect from the fiscal conservatives, but just which type of deacon will be competing against them? This is the reason there is no line for this matchup. Catholic deacon: Edge to the math club nerds. Demon deacon: Whole other ballgame.
Pick: (Stay Away)
BaCon (1) vs EmotiCon (16)
In a first round mismatch, EmotiCon gets paired the heavily favored BaCon. A virtual bye for the meat of the gods. Don’t take the points.
Pick: (BaCon -21)
Group B
PaleoCon (7) vs Archon (10)
Either way, Buchanan ends up facing immigrants, a fact sure to anger the man. But rather than facing an elderly Athenian magistrate, I have it on good authority that he will be facing a Protoss Archon. This one is going to get ugly. Vegas will catch on eventually, so jump on the points.
Pick: (Archon +1)
Shao Kahn (3) vs SterioptiCon (14)
Shao Kahn eats souls. He can handle entertainment that predates motion pictures.
Pick: (Shao Kahn -13.5)
ExCon (6) vs VirtuCon (11)
The fledgling VirtuCon movement is thrown into the fire before a leader has even emerged. Too many moving parts for a pick as ExCons run the gamut from tough as nails to Bill Ayers.
Pick: (Stay Away)
NecronomiCon (2) vs LexiCon (15)
The laws of the dead trump the laws of language.
Pick: (NecronomiCon -13.5)
Leprechaun (4) vs SiliCon (13)
Estimated value of a pot of gold: $427,000. Intel yearly revenue: $52.7 billion.
Pick: (SiliCon +4.5)
James Caan (5) vs Crunchy Con (12)
You need enough killer instinct to at least be able to eat meat without worrying whether it is free range if you plan to take on Sonny Corleone. Expect some buzzes to be harshed.
Pick: (James Caan -7)
NeoCon (8) vs SatyriCon (9)
The ultimate cautionary tale for of civilizational decline, paired against a group hell bent on preventing the decline of Western power. No one is leaving without scars.
Pick: (SatyriCon Even)
DeceptiCon (1) vs Washington Free BeaCon (16)
One hopes the lovable pranksters at the Free Beacon are enjoying the ride. The individual matchups do not bode well for them.
Megatron vs. Matthew Continetti Edge: Megatron
Star Scream vs. Andrew Stiles Edge: Andrew Stiles
Soundwave vs. Sonny Bunch Edge: Soundwave
Pick: (DeceptiCon -14)
Published in General
Best. Bracket. Ever.
Way to much time on your hand Mr Soto? Wake me up when we get to the finals
Well done, Mr. Soto. Well done.
Wow, what a post! But I’d take Continetti over Megatron.
Please. Megatron would melt Continetti’s face.
DefCon is my choice for the final winner.
Such post. Very amaze. Wow.
Jimmy Caan by only seven? You’re forgetting the patented Trash Can Lid Maneuver.
And LibertyCon’s got no ground game. Chaka is gonna leave cleat marks up his front and down his back.
I’m siding with the ExCons due to their affinity with my Twitter handle.
At last, finally the true conservatives will be determined! Let the games begin.
My money is on BaCon, still Wrath of Khan might yet perform an upset before we reach the finals.
Continetti is Italian, Megatron is not. Case closed.
Thus Spake Garathustra.
So nice I’m using it twice:
Yeah Doug, we all know how EmotiCon has done all this past season, starting out all smiles but then just getting rude as the season went on. I’m surprised they even made it this far, especially after it was discovered that PacMan was ineligible to play, having played professionally some years before in the arcade leagues.
Then there the allegations of blowing raspberries at the refs during game play, leering and unsportsman like conduct towards the cheerleaders,
and the just plain sour reputation they’ve earned this year.
Still, it’s anyone’s game, and some of baCon’s star players are starting to look a little out of shape.
Frank, you have outdone everyone.
You have to watch out for Chaka Khan. Her cameo in the Blues Bros could signal she’s secretly packing SoCon ability undercover on a mission from God.
Shere Khan is sure to use his charm to corrupt some SoCons without some Divine intervention.
My money’s on Madeline Kahn. I’d get behind her any day of the week.
Ack! I’m completely torn between virtue and bacon.
Another reason conservatism is vastly superior to progressivism or liberalism–try to do this with words that end in prog or lib.
Oh come on, baCon wins walking away, especially on this side of the political spectrum. Anyone who says they prefer anything to baCon is either a liar, a hippie, or an inorganic life form. Period.
Mr. Soto, You’ve made my morning. Thinking of having my own battle with BaCon shortly.
Maybe we need to have an intervention.
Also: How is there not a giraffe joke? #sadness
Or an observant Jew.
Next election we’ll see what happens when the offspring of SoCon and BaCon gets in the fray.
http://defendingcontending.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/bacon.jpg (cause I can’t use images at work…)
Clearly you need a new hybrid category: Virtue Bacon
Any truth to the rumor that the Final Four will be held in EsCondido, California?
Why no spot for Neal Stephenson’s Cryptonomicon? I call for a congressional investigation.
As to my pick: anyone but Pat Buchanan.