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Adulthood Is Awesome. Embrace It.
Okay, maybe it’s just the existential crankiness that comes from turning 31 today, but I have to get this off my chest: Why do people complain about being called “mister,” “miss,” “sir,” or “ma’am”?
I grew up in Charleston, South Carolina. If one was past puberty, one was a mister or a miss. My babysitter was Ms. Stacy; my sister’s best friend’s mom was Ms. Sheri; the gentlemen who owned the pool across the street was Mr. Hazelwood — that was even how I referred to him when I told my parents of his recent death. It was the same dynamic at school and a church. As kids, we were stuck with just first names, but the adults had titles! Mr. and Mrs. for most, Brother and Sister for the really old school folks in the congregation.
Then we moved to the Kansas City area. My first Sunday, I was introduced to the Sunday School teacher who laughed when I tried to call him Mr. Robin. This has been a recurring experience ever since — I attempt to show some respect to an adult, and the responses are variations on “Mr./Ms.So-and So is my father/mother” or “Are you trying to make me feel old?” (I especially find the latter type strange when the speaker is clearly over 60).
People seem to believe it’s better to be addressed as a kid without a title, rather than an adult with one. To which I say, “Do you remember being a kid?” To be a child is to lack agency. Someone else tells you what to eat, what to wear, when to sleep. You go to a school where every minute of your day is controlled by someone else; you can’t even empty your bowels without permission. You are forced to associate with other kids with whom you may have nothing in common, save geographical and birthdate proximity.
Contrast that with being an adult. You choose your God, your spouse, your friends, your career, your menu, your clothes. Sure, the choices can be overwhelming, but you have choices! You have agency over your own life. Being an adult is so much more awesome than being a kid; I can’t imagine why anyone would romanticize a life of helplessness over a life of agency. And further, I don’t understand why one would get offended at being considered an awesome adult instead of powerless kid.
Now, sure, I prefer being on a first-name basis with my peers. But just as the proper response to someone holding the door for you is “Thank you,” the proper response to “Nice to meet you, sir,” is “You’re welcome, ma’am, and you can call me _____.” Not, “Are you trying to make me feel old?”*
* Sergeants are allowed to reply, “Don’t call me sir; I work for a living!”
Image Credit: Flickr user Svein Halvor Halvorsen.
Published in General
I grew up in Tennessee and had the exact same problem when I moved to the Seattle area. They also were weirded out by the fact that I said yes ma’am and yes sir to anyone much older than myself including my parents. What I felt (and still feel) was a sign of respect to age and station was too “formal” for them. I’ll admit that it now makes me feel a little old to get it from those younger than me but I still prefer it.
I enjoy being called “Miss Midge” by my southern friends. The way they use “Miss” with my first name and persist in calling me “Miss” even after I’m married is genuinely charming.
I’ve often remained on a title-and-last-name basis with someone who invited me to call him by his first name in order to distance myself mentally from a potential foolish crush. Except for Dr Love. Because calling him Dr Love would be even worse than calling him by his first name.
My mother in law was surprised when I greeted her as Ma’am. In the North of England, “Mam” is a traditional affectionate term for one’s mother, and since her daughter was barely admitting to dating me, that seemed obnoxiously premature of me. There are probably other circumstances when it is proper to reproach politeness, but I agree that they are few and far between.
I suppose it might be better to reserve “Sir” for those who actually have been awarded the title over there too. I’d never thought of that, and now I can’t remember if I used it when I visited there. Would that be an offense or a compliment if you use it on someone who isn’t Knighted? Or does it count since it’s at the end of the sentence instead of before a name?
No. It’s wrong to say “Sir Lesserson” unless it’s accurate, but fine to say “Sir”. When Oliver Twist said “Please, Sir, May I have some more?” he wasn’t assuming that all teachers were members of knightly orders. In general, it’s safe to assume that traditional American manners are traditional British manners, and that differences between the two are to be accounted for on the basis of the British forgetting theirs.
Heh, I had just thought about that and was editing my comment. I don’t have a thick Southern accent but everyone there was accommodating to my use of y’all so everything went pretty smoothly. Glad to know I didn’t make one more mistake around my British friends.
I don’t have a problem with being called Sir or Mr. But in general I’m not offended when I’m not. I wouldn’t mind if we returned to becoming slightly more formal as a society.
I do remember being annoyed, however, as I was boarding an Alaska Airlines flight and the ticket agent called me by my first name without any previous conversation. This was a person I didn’t know, a stranger, and as a customer she should have called me Mr. Sparks if she was insistent in using my name (which she gleaned off my ticket). She wasn’t the only ticket agent who did that, so it looks like Alaska Airlines was instructing their agents to address their customers that way. It felt presumptuous.
On the other hand, if I’m at a coffee shop, and they ask me for a name to call out for the order, I usually do give them my first name.
I blame the lack of people wearing morning dress.
I have noticed this too at the DMV when getting a license renewal.
When you say “y’all”, everyone assumes your a hick. So if you can work that into your introduction, expectations are lowered and there’s no problem with anything else!
We, being native Georgians, also fall the Miss/Mr rule with our kids. I am less consistent in enforcing the ma’am/sir. However, when we moved from GA to Northern VA, my kids (who were 4 and 10 at the time), suddenly were treated as if they were the most mannerly children on the planet.
One woman I met (West Coast resident) said “You Southerners make everyone else’s children look like cretins!
I was taught the rule is about respect and that’s what I teach my kids. I also have trouble calling people older by their first name, even when they tell me to.
Call me old-fashioned, but I love it when I hear “Yes Sir, Mr. B.” from children and teens. It elevates both both them and their parents a notch. To a certain extent it is a cultural/regional thing and I don’t live in a region where it is common, but I like it.
What about other old Southern customs? like taking your hat off at the dinner table (or whenever indoors), holding doors (not just for ladies), giving up your seat to women and elderly, etc.
Is it a fair bet that somewhere women object to being called Maam they also object to being waited on at the door?
When I first moved to Baltimore, I noticed that people referred to familiar adults with a title and first name, instead of a title and last name, which I had always done. For example, if a friend’s mother was named Mary Smith, I would call her Mrs. Smith, but Baltimoreans would call her Miss Mary. What I also found strange was that Baltimoreans added the title to nicknames. For instance, my mother-in-law’s nickname was “Cookie,” and all of my wife’s friends would call her “Miss Cookie.”
I suppose I look at things a little differently. My hair turned completely white by the time I was 35. One time when I was in my early 40s, I was driving up to Boston on business, and I stopped off at a Jersey turnpike plaza for some coffee. The young girl went to ring me up, and she took an extra glance at my white hair before she hit the senior discount button.
I saw it. Wasn’t offended. Took the discount.
By the way, happy birthday, Amy.
I’ve had that happen a couple of times, though not in the South. Same thing with opening doors for them and/or letting ladies go first. For a while I felt bad when some got upset about those things (in Seattle) but then I kinda stopped caring about what they thought and just did it anyway.
When a man holds the door for me, I always make it a point to say, “Thank you, sir,” just to provide positive reinforcement for the men who are willing to take a chance on being polite.
This wasn’t a family practice growing up, but then I went to a very conservative Christian college. It’s been a lot of “sirs” and “ma’ams” since then. It hasn’t hurt me since moving to Texas and working on some military bases.
I do agree that if you are over the age of forty and complaining that the title makes you feel old, you really need to become more secure in your adulthood.
Happy birthday, Mrs Schley!
A friend of ours who grew up in southernmost Georgia modeled the Mr./Miss-first-name before we had our son, and we taught him the same way–in Chicago. The practice always allows for the correction, “That’s Miss Betsy to you!” when he gets too familiar.
What I really despise is the over-familiarity of first names at a doctor’s office. I had to have some physical therapy and switched to another practice because of unprofessional aspects of the first place. The unprofessionalism would begin in the waiting room where elderly patients would sit and when it was their turn, someone would yell out the first name…the poor old ladies were often looking around to figure out for whom they were looking–and which presaged the lack of professionalism away from the waiting room.
I’m a southern boy and I use sir and ma’am all the time. I don’t use Ms. (first name here). Never have. I do use Mrs, Ms, Miss and Mr with the last name. The neighbor kid, good kid by the way, who is 9 calls my wife by her first name and when I hear it I cringe on the inside. I think it’s the way things are today and but I like more formal and less familiarity between people the age of parents vs children.
I have found that some folks don’t realize the custom of using those titles is simply a polite form of address. Remember ignorant senator boxer berating the admiral (I think) for addressing her as Ma’am.
I recently had an (official) interaction with an Assistant Chief of Police in my town. He greeted me in his office and introduced himself without a title — just first name (nickname, actually) and last name. I was a little surprised by the informality, but it must have been infectious. When we were finished and I thanked him, I reflexively used only his nickname. I’m wishing I had been more self-aware and addressed him as Lieutenant [last name].
My wife and I have tried to teach our kids to address adults using titles. The adults balk. Even in their school, it’s sometimes an uphill battle. At the same time, our society (and law) treats 26-year-olds as children, and increasingly assumes that full-grown adults can’t handle such adult responsibilities as taking out a mortgage or shopping for private health insurance. Movies, TV shows, and even TV commercials show grownup men enjoying themselves by acting like children. Is it really such a surprise that, in our youth-obsessed culture, adults don’t like to be reminded that they are grownups, with all the attendant responsibilities?
When I was teaching (at a community college), I always addressed my students as Mr. Smith or Ms. Jones. Many of them were in their late teens, and were surprised at being so addressed. I asked them to address me as Mr. Seawriter, not by my first name.
When asked by some why I did this, I stated I had a couple of reasons.
The first was that this was a learning situation, and by demanding (and delivering) a minimum level of formality I was emphasizing that learning was important. While we could have fun, we were not there to play. Addressing them as Mr. or Ms underscored they were not on a pickup basketball game, but rather engaged in an adult pursuit.
The second – and more important reason I stressed this – was to give those in their teens an opportunity to practice being adults. To stress the transition from childhood to adult responsibilities. If they were not adults (some were 17) they would be soon, and the quicker they became comfortable with that, the better.
I always finished with “Being an adult beats being a teen by a wide margin.”
Happy birthday Ms Schley. (You youngster.)
Seawriter
A blessed and glorious happy birthday! And, yes, three cheers for adulthood and preserving the boundaries between childhood/juvenile status and adulthood.
I have a minority view here (what else is new?). I am always more comfortable with a person if we are on a first name basis. In the case of earned titles, like Doctor, Lieutenant, or (Police) Chief, I ask the person how they prefer to be addressed. In the case of unearned titles, such as “Mr.,” I generally use them only with people who I think are pompous and self-important – like government bureaucrats.
In the case of inherited titles, like Viscount, I try not to talk to them at all.
I don’t teach my kids to use “sir” or “ma’am”. Where I grew up nobody did this, and only one family I know here in Minnesota teaches their kids those terms. (They are from the South.) So for me, I think it would be an affectation, and the revival of what is in my own subcultures an anachronism. If it’s not an anachronism where you come from, by all means keep it alive.
I do teach them to refer to adults with titles. And yes, it’s a bit of a struggle, because lots of people undermine that effort. But I’m happy to say that in our social circles the “title-users” seem to be winning. More and more parents are teaching their kids to use “Mr” and “Mrs.”
The amusing “debate” among our friends concerns the use of academic titles. I don’t mind being called “Dr Lu” in some settings, but I generally think it’s silly to do this socially, and it definitely seems silly to ask the kids to worry about which of their parents’ friends have what degrees. But one or two families we know have taught their kids to address all the professors as “Dr” and I wonder sometimes if they’re miffed that we don’t reciprocate? Oh well.
I think it’s much more charming for our kids to grow up assuming that it’s normal for each family to have a “Mr” and a “Mrs”.
I was surprised by how many comments we got to before someone wished you a Happy Birthday, Mrs Schley. Many happy returns.
III
(Disclaimer: Precious little data will be provided to support the following axiom, so take it for what it’s worth…)
Adulthood in the 21st Century is the first opportunity for many (not most, necessarily, but many) folk to act (and enjoy themselves) as a child.
When they are legal minors, they are pushed and prodded to “achieve”, and “grow up”, and “act your age”, and “behave”, and “fit in”, etc. This pressure comes from parents who want them to “get into a good school” and also from the zeitgeist which wants to sexualize them from an early age.
Once they are out from under their parents’ roofs and have enough disposable income to explore their own pursuits, that’s when they are able to focus on the joys of childhood (play, expression, experimentation, funtimes).
Hence, the average age of videogame players, comic book buyers, action figure collectors, boardgame enthusiasts, etc, being somewhere in the late 20s to early 30s, nowadays.
(I remember being mocked at age 12 (circa 1987) because I still thought Transformers were fun to play with. I chose to rebel against the zeitgeist and keep playing with my toys, albeit graduating to Dungeons & Dragons and paintball.)
Whoa, Dude! Mister Turtle is my father.
-E
It really depends on the kind of relationship you hope to establish and on the particular circumstances. I might address an older friend by his first name in a casual setting. But if we are working together in a suit-and-tie meeting with strangers, it would seem inappropriate to call him by his first name while our business partners address him by his last name. Likewise, I use the term “dad” around family but “father” in less casual settings. But, again, it depends not just on the setting but on the individuals involved and expectations. There are nuances.
I have a peculiar pet peeve about professional titles. I dislike using them except in circumstances where they are relevant. So I won’t use “Doctor” unless I am seeking that person’s professional opinion. If we are just talking at a social gathering, for example, that person is a “Mister”. Otherwise, he is injecting a division of social class where it’s not wanted. (Also, I’ve known too many idiots and fools with doctorates.)
I’m more wary of titles in general since Mark Steyn pointed out that we Americans, who theoretically dislike royalty, have an unhealthy tradition of granting lifelong titles for “public service” positions. Once a Senator, always a Senator, apparently. Well, not in my book!
What about military ranks? Should a retired soldier be forever addressed by his last rank? I generally refer to “Allen West”, but I will say “Lt Col Allen West” when referencing something he has said on military matters.